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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to let my daughter 'misbehave' in dance class?

346 replies

mrscumberbatch · 01/09/2012 11:53

My DD is an only child. 2.5 yrs old and is the only grandchild on both sides.

As such, everywhere we go, it's all about her as everyone dotes on her.

She isn't at nursery yet as me and DP managed to split childcare/work between us.

She has not long started dance classes (tap,ballet,disco.) And she is loving it, but is prone to getting distracted and running around the class and trying to chat to the other toddlers. She also gets bored during the quiet ballet part and does her own thing.

On one hand, I don't want to intervene, out of fear that I 'squash' her confidence. My thinking is that once she is at nursery with more structured play with other toddlers that she will come into line.

On the other hand, I hate being the only one in the class with a noticeably willful toddler.

WWYD? Leave her to it and cringe inwardly or become more involved and do some hovering?

OP posts:
toomuchmonthatendofthemoney · 01/09/2012 23:38

I now have Wine aah that's better

mrscb, your thread has driven me to drink!!

topknob · 01/09/2012 23:38

Not read whole thread as yet so not sure if I have missed anything but OP your dd is behaving badly and whatever the reason (being too young etc) you need to pull her up on it, only child or not !

Original poster
mrscumberbatch · 01/09/2012 23:40

topknob. You're really going to have to read the thread. I just spluttered wine all over my keyboard Grin

More Wine please!!!!

OP posts:
LackingNameChangeInspiration · 01/09/2012 23:41

"I think it's quite normal toddler behaviour for an only child." Hmm insulting to only children! only children are quite capable of normal behaviour for ANY child actually!

"I think it would be difficult for her to have a great understanding at the age of 2.5 that the world doesn't revolve around her" yeah if they rule the roost! its quite easy to have the beginnings of the idea in a 2.5 year old's head that sometimes its about other people! don't need siblings for that! DS1 has always had times when it wasn't all about him running around being cute! ...in church, in cafes/restaurants, generally just living with mum and dad and being one of 3 people in the house not always no1!

  • DS2 isn't born yet and DS1 has not got a world revolves around him attitude, I never had to excuse his behaviour as him being an only child, (and he is also an only grandchild!)
scottishmummy · 01/09/2012 23:41

hee hee
be sure to drag that name across op
you know,thread about thick goading twats. were you feel so maligned

Original poster
mrscumberbatch · 01/09/2012 23:49

LackingNameChange, that's nice, I am not getting into the nitty gritty of it all again. But I do think it's quite normal toddler behaviour, for only children and for children with siblings.

It's my understanding that developmentally, as small children they do think that the world revolves around them. Or that they CAN believe that that is the case. You're right, it is quite easy to have the beginnings of that in their head at 2.5 yrs. It's putting int into practice and expanding on it!

As I've said previously, I'm not excusing her behaviour by acknowledging that she is an only child but i am trying to understand her motivations, and to some extent not having children around consistently will have an effect.

Scottishmummy. Drag what name across?

And yes I do feel maligned. I always feel maligned by crappy behavior. Tis normal.

OP posts:
LackingNameChangeInspiration · 01/09/2012 23:54

Motivation? well their motivation is that they look to you to let em know if they're getting social boundaries right. They want to learn.

gatheringlilac · 01/09/2012 23:54

I'm watching a Carry On film at the moment. I reckon it makes AIBU read a lot better if you think of it as Carry On Mumsnet: a weird pastiche of a forum where parents support each other.

mrsc, you don't belong here. come back to Style and Beauty and chat about jewellery.

Original poster
mrscumberbatch · 01/09/2012 23:58

I think you might be right gatheringlilac. At least my jewellery never behaves in an unexpected manner Wink

leaves aibu to the benny hill themetune

OP posts:
BlackberryIce · 01/09/2012 23:59

Darcy Bussel herself is going to rock up in a minute and tell us that she was far, far worse at her baby ballet class, but it did no harm!

thetrackisback · 01/09/2012 23:59

Lacking you might want to see how ds 2 turns out before you start trumpeting how wonderful your parenting style is!! I honestly think some of it is personality, some of it is good parenting and some of it is sheer fluke if your child behaves! Give her a bloody break! As for being ego centric this is s developmental phase that ALL children have!!! They all learn at different stages that they are not at the centre of the universe! Like any other developmental stage some kids will do this earlier than others!! If you think I'm talking shit pease get any developmental psychology book and read the work of Piaget!

holyfishnets · 02/09/2012 00:02

She isn't ready for a class yet by the sounds of it. Can you wait another year or 6 months and try again.

Thumbwitch · 02/09/2012 00:03

MrsCB - just another point re. DS - with his early football, before he turned 3, most of the parents ended up sitting with their child, or having to run with them after the ball, because they weren't able to concentrate on the task for long enough, or grasp what was required. This was normal for the class and encouraged by the trainers.
As he went on, after he turned 3, he needed it less, but still sometimes (more for the sitting still bits, far less for the running around bits!)
When he moved up into the next class at 3.5, it was rare that parents needed to sit with their child, but still, if they were disrupting, it was an acceptable thing to do.
Now he's 4.8, I really don't have to get up to him at all unless he's hurt, and the trainers do all the disciplining.

I know I'm back on the football, not the dance (never sat with DS in dance class but he was already past 3 and had 5m of the football experience behind him by then) - but just trying to give a picture of the stages and how much intervention was generally accepted/required. In fact, if the parent didn't step up and sort their child out, the child was sent to sit with the parent if they couldn't behave themselves.

I know you're going to discuss it with the teachers/girls running the class so I won't suggest it again Wink - as I said, this was just more info on how the stages worked for us. I did also say to the dance teacher that she could be as hard on DS as she liked, because he was one of the youngest in the class, and also the one who liked to look around the most, so he needed telling. I think sometimes the teachers are a bit hampered by the worry that the PFB parents are going to get all arsey if their PFB is picked up for their behaviour more than others, but if you're happy for them to tell your DD to behave, then that's another option.

As a complete aside:
Someone mentioned nappies upthread - wtaf that has to do with anything, I don't know - DS didn't come out of nappies until he was 3.9, he'd been doing football for a year and dance for half a year before that. Nappies are irrelevant. Completely different set of developmental skills, IMO.

LackingNameChangeInspiration · 02/09/2012 00:05

thetrack DS2 wont be an only child will it?
DS1 is the only only child I'll ever have so how does that work eh? the OP thinks her child being an only child at 2.5 is relevant to its behaviour, why can I not comment on that now? I have an only child.. for now. My DS2's behaviour probably wouldn't be of interest to the OP even if it was here already would it? Confused

Original poster
mrscumberbatch · 02/09/2012 00:08

sneaks back in

Thumbwitch, it's early days as class only started a few weeks ago, but at the moment the only children who have assistance are the really clingy ones who scream if they're parted from their parents. I didn't want to further confuse things by trying to chase DD about in her tap shoes Wink

What you have said does make sense though, and I would absolutely say the same thing to the teacher re: being told off.

I didn't even spot the nappies thing. I'm almost blinkered to nonsense. Almost. Sort of. I try.

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 02/09/2012 00:11

Grin - more Wine?

ThePigOnTheWall · 02/09/2012 00:16

Hey op you're starting to hack me off a bit. You know that second and subsequent children are also loved. And adored. And doted on. You're getting all PFB on our ass now. You need to get over the only child is sooooo loved shit because it's making you sound totally U

thetrackisback · 02/09/2012 00:29

Lacking I was merely saying that all children are individuals. Some struggle with this phase some don't. Just because ds1 wasn't like that doesn't mean ds2 won't struggle with this! I think too much emphasis can be put on the parenting style and blaming the parents when sometimes it is the personality and developmental stage of the child that is the main factor.

thetrackisback · 02/09/2012 00:31

Anyway think this thread is puddling my brain now!!! I feel all argumentative and grrrr when I am normally balanced and helpful!

Original poster
mrscumberbatch · 02/09/2012 00:38

Pig, can't afford another one Sad, if we had another one it'd be exactly the same. As you quite rightly said!

I'll be an Auntie next year though so I'm looking forward to it! (Takes the pressure off a bit- the grannies are choking for another baby!)

Thumbwitch. No more wine! I am tidying the kitchen and then going to bed. DD's going to a party tomorrow to maraud play with the other children Wink

OP posts:
lljkk · 02/09/2012 09:12

Yabu to ask about this in AIBU, put it in WWYD next time. Would have saved you much grief. She sounds pretty normal to me, btw. Not sure how "only child" is supposed to come into this Confused, I would have thought onlies would tend to be much more conformist than one-of-manies. Or maybe I'm just reflecting on my wild brood. Agree with those who say ask the teacher what she thinks is best, we aren't there to see what she's like & how she affects anyone else.

TandB · 02/09/2012 09:28

I think you do need to hover for a while until she gets the idea.

DS1 has been going to gym classes since he turned 2. Up to 2 1/4 it is a play-type class. When they turn 2 1/4 they go into a class where they are expected to listen to instructions and do what the teacher is telling them, although their parent stays with them. The idea of this class is that it is direct preparation for the 3 1/4 onwards class when the parents stay outside and the children are expected to do exactly what they are told as they are starting to learn "proper" gymnastics.

When DS1 first started he used to be all over the place, as were several of the other children. We all spent half our time pursuing fleeing toddlers and trying to keep their attention vaguely on the teacher. The improvement over the course of the first few weeks was huge and by the end of the year, almost all the children were able to sit and listen to instructions, wait to use the equipment and do what they were asked by the teacher.

Most. Not all. There is a dad who has never remotely bothered trying to stop his little boy wandering off and climbing on things while the others are sitting listening to the teacher. Unfortunately that disrupts the other children which is a bit irritating. There is also a mum who doesn't make her DD do things properly unless the teacher intervenes, so she pushes in front of the other children who are waiting for the next activity, or tries to climb on equipment that other children are already using. Again, irritating.

If those parents were making any visible effort to get their children to follow the class structure, people would be sympathetic with any difficulties they were having, but they just wander around pulling slightly wet "what can you do?" faces and shrugging.

Having said all that, DS1 is starting the next level class when he is right on 3 1/4 so likely to be the youngest and I have visions of being the only parent having to belt into class and haul their child down off the wallbars while everyone else is sitting nicely!

Bunnyjo · 02/09/2012 12:04

Jeepers, what a thread! OP, I think you're right to speak with the teacher and find out whether they'd like you to intervene when you DD is showing signs of boredom and/or distracting other children.

I know you have said (and reiterated) that the class is age appropriate, but if her behaviour in class is different from the other children (and I'm not saying her behaviour is anything other than typical for her age) it may be that she's just not ready yet. I don't think my DD would have been ready at that age.

FWIW, DD did ballet from 3 until 4, but it became apparent, after the first year, that she wasn't particularly enthused by it - her behaviour and attention during class was excellent, she just didn't seem excited iyswim? She now does gymnastics and loves it!

Finally, whilst I think some of the posts were harsh, I can see what they were trying to say - because you mentioned she's an only child and that she is doted on by everyone, it could be perceived as you excusing her behaviour. My DD was an only child (and only grandchild) until she was 3.9, but I wouldn't have mentioned that when discussing her behaviour. It's not relevant.

recall · 02/09/2012 12:25

My daughter's ballet class had a few in it like MrsCB , and eventually the teacher insisted that parents sat outside the class, behaviour improved dramatically after that.