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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU in thinking the attitude of some MNers towards the grandparents is dreadful?

82 replies

janey68 · 27/08/2012 12:15

There's a thread at the moment from a mum who handed her child over to granny to be looked after for the day while she went to a wedding, and then the mum was horrified that granny had given the (faddy) child a weightwatchers petit filous when he wouldn't eat yoghurt.

Another thread is from a woman who wants PIL around on Christmas day to be with the grandkids, but doesn't want to put them up overnight so is planning to stick them in a hotel (even though her DH disagrees and she hasn't even asked the PIL yet!)

And there are regularly threads from parents who are happy to use the grandparents as unpaid childcarers so they themsleves can earn, but then complain that their child watched a bit of telly/ate a couple of sweets/slept for 10 minutes too long.

I feel that some (not all) people have a really selfish attitude. If the gps are still relatively young and active, then surely this is their time, having raised their own family, to have the freedom to travel when they want, see friends, not be restricted by being an unpaid childminder, and yes godammit, even spend christmas in their own home if they want! And if the gps are elderly and frail, then surely it goes without saying you shouldn't be expecting them to run round after toddlers and have all the worry and responsibility? (Though there have also been threads about gps in their 70s who are still being expected to revolve their lives around their adult children....)

I expect many of us on here will become gp's within the next 20 years. I am sure we won't feel any different inside. We will still have our own lives and want to make our own decisions. I'm sure I'll love any future grandchildren to bits, and enjoy spending time with them, offering babysitting now and again etc. But I hope my adult children would respect the fact that DH and me are still people and not there to simply service the needs of others.

(And before anyone jumps in saying well I cant afford to work unless granny minds the kids for nothing, we certainly weren't at all well off when our kids were small, every month was a struggle and all my income went on childcare, but I still wouldn't have expected anyone else to care for them for free. Our children, our responsibility)

OP posts:
BrianCoxIsUpTheDuff · 27/08/2012 12:20

I know a lot of people who use their parents as free childcare and rant and rave about how their mum/MIL has such different and archaic parenting views.

Can't have it both ways. Be grateful for the help.

I am eternally grateful to my parents, they both work full time but are happy to take DD whenever I need a sitter and they are able. They also just took her away for 2 week holiday which would have been beyond my finances at the moment. I did have a mini-rant about mum not using suncream on DD, after me saying that she had to have it on, but in the grand scheme of things, it isn't that huge a deal I suppose.

I share your views, so I believe YANBU

CockyPants · 27/08/2012 12:21

YABU.
For every great grandparent that helps with kids and keeps to the parents rules, there are some lousy ones, who interfere, dicatate, make no effort to keep to parents rules, don't get involved at all etc etc.
It's the lousy ones who always think they are 'entitled'....

Mintyy · 27/08/2012 12:22

Yanbu. Some mumsnetters are unappreciative of their dc grandparents, but I'm sure on the whole most aren't. Its just you tend to hear about it when people are having a moan.

Mrsjay · 27/08/2012 12:23

I agree with you janey some people have hissy fits over nothing usually about IL grandparents its all about control IMO as long as GP are looking after children properly then i don't know what they have to moan about, then you get the other moaners who moan GP dont see the children or don't offer,

LadyBeagleEyes · 27/08/2012 12:24

Fred about a fred.
Both posts are ongoing, why don't you post there.

Original poster
janey68 · 27/08/2012 12:25

Cockypants - I wasn't posting about grandparents who interfere or show no interest in their grandchildren. That's actually an entirely different topic

I am talking about adult children who don't seem to respect the fact that the grandparents' lives don't revolve around them

OP posts:
TheMonster · 27/08/2012 12:25

Yabu. My in laws are crap grand parents and I am so glad they are 200 miles away.

LunaticFringe · 27/08/2012 12:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BrianCoxIsUpTheDuff · 27/08/2012 12:26

In this instance, I disagree with the usual 'fred about a fred'

It's a general observation about the tone of 'some' posters, which is a valid discussion to be had.

I suppose the OP could have left out the specific refs to the other posts though.

cornybootseeker · 27/08/2012 12:26

I agree - some of the moaning on here about grandparents thwarting the mother's wishes are ridiculous. Some mothers think they own the child.

cornybootseeker · 27/08/2012 12:27

Yes it's a general observation - happens all the time.

Original poster
janey68 · 27/08/2012 12:27

Ladybeagle - to be fair, I was just using those threads as examples; my thread is really about a fairly common attitude which I think is really selfish and strange.

Mintyy - I guess thats true, we tend to hear from the entitled people who want a moan about the gps rather than the ones who are perfectly content

OP posts:
BeeBee12 · 27/08/2012 12:30

On here its different to rl.In my rl gps are always ringing up asking for the grandkids not the other way round.

I know I will want my grandkids as much as possible.

Mrsjay · 27/08/2012 12:31

I spose mumsnet is a safe place to vent for people,but some of the venting is a bit odd sometimes,

cornybootseeker · 27/08/2012 12:31

I love a good MIL Rant thread...I'm not talking about them. I'm always disappointed when I open a thread ranting about PIL only to find out that the crime is that they've not followed the sleep rules or have dressed baby in a 'I love my granny' suit.

TraineeBabyCatcher · 27/08/2012 12:33

PLEASE PLEASE, do not tell me again that I could become a grandparent in 20 years time, that would only make me 40! Shock lol

CouthyMow · 27/08/2012 12:33

Yes, but if your MIL (thankfully ex MIL now) kept telling your 3yo that he couldn't see Daddy every day because Mummy was evil and wouldn't let him live with Mummy (HE walked out btw), wouldn't YOU want to minimise the time your DC spent with that Grandparent?

And that was one of the LEAST nasty things my DS2 & DS3's grandmother did to them, she has a special skill for emotional blackmail, and doesn't care about the age of the person she uses it on.

I still won't let her see my DC's unsupervised. She even told my DS2, when he was 7yo, who has Autism, and takes things very literally, that she wished I would die. He had nightmares that I would die when her wish came true for 8 months. He had to have counselling to convince him that this wouldn't happen, and now he won't even make a wish when he blows out his birthday cake candles.

YABU, not every Grandparent is worthy of spending time with their grandchildren.

And I include my own, alcoholic mother in that. She only sees my DC's 5 times a year, on their birthdays at my house (one birthday each for 4 DC's), and on Boxing day at her house, all with me present. I would NEVER leave her unsupervised with my DC's.

It's a shame that my DC's don't have one decent grandparent between them, but little can be done about that.

I'm not going to stop protecting my DC's from emotional abuse from their paternal grandmother or let them witness alcoholism from their maternal grandmother just because those people happen to be related to them by blood!

lovintheolives · 27/08/2012 12:34

YANBU.
I totally agree with you. I know damn well that my mum and MIL wouldn't give two fizzles about the rules we expect our children to live by regarding food, discipline, manners etc and so DH and i have made it our business to NEVER rely on either of them for childcare and know that when they do look after them (generally when they've asked too) it will be a lawless, chocolate filled time (which both grandmother and DC will enjoy) and we prepare to deal with the aftermath. That's what Grandparents are there for surely, to enjoy their grandchildren without the responsibility of rules, it's certainly what i remember of spending time with my grandparents ...late nights, treats for breakfast, being indulged (perhaps a little spoilt) etc
like you said..."our children, our responsibility". x

Mrsjay · 27/08/2012 12:34

that would only make me 40!

I made my mum a gran at 40 (just saying Grin )

BlackberryIce · 27/08/2012 12:34

We will all be a dreaded mil one day...are you all looking forward to the hatred?

CouthyMow · 27/08/2012 12:35

And for the record, I could LEGALLY become a grandmother in just 18 months time, when I would be just 32. Which scares the fucking crap out of me!!

Mrsjay · 27/08/2012 12:37

I can become a grandmother my eldest is nearly 20 im 41 , a few of the 'girls' I was at school with have grandchildren and I met a 'boy' I was at school with last week his Grand daughter is 6 Shock

BrianCoxIsUpTheDuff · 27/08/2012 12:37

I read this thread to mean that the MNers who willingly use their parents/ILs as free child care and then moan about the differences and how generally shit they are.

Not, GPs who have no interest or are only interested in their GCs to use as a tool to turn the ex DIL/SIL into a beast.

That's another thread entirely and is down to adults being utter nobheads regardless of their relationship to the child.

BrianCoxIsUpTheDuff · 27/08/2012 12:38

what loveintheolives said - exactly!

Mrsjay · 27/08/2012 12:38

braincox congrats on your upthe duffness Grin