AIBU in thinking the attitude of some MNers towards the grandparents is dreadful?

[janey68]

There's a thread at the moment from a mum who handed her child over to granny to be looked after for the day while she went to a wedding, and then the mum was horrified that granny had given the (faddy) child a weightwatchers petit filous when he wouldn't eat yoghurt.

Another thread is from a woman who wants PIL around on Christmas day to be with the grandkids, but doesn't want to put them up overnight so is planning to stick them in a hotel (even though her DH disagrees and she hasn't even asked the PIL yet!)

And there are regularly threads from parents who are happy to use the grandparents as unpaid childcarers so they themsleves can earn, but then complain that their child watched a bit of telly/ate a couple of sweets/slept for 10 minutes too long.

I feel that some (not all) people have a really selfish attitude. If the gps are still relatively young and active, then surely this is their time, having raised their own family, to have the freedom to travel when they want, see friends, not be restricted by being an unpaid childminder, and yes godammit, even spend christmas in their own home if they want! And if the gps are elderly and frail, then surely it goes without saying you shouldn't be expecting them to run round after toddlers and have all the worry and responsibility? (Though there have also been threads about gps in their 70s who are still being expected to revolve their lives around their adult children....)

I expect many of us on here will become gp's within the next 20 years. I am sure we won't feel any different inside. We will still have our own lives and want to make our own decisions. I'm sure I'll love any future grandchildren to bits, and enjoy spending time with them, offering babysitting now and again etc. But I hope my adult children would respect the fact that DH and me are still people and not there to simply service the needs of others.

(And before anyone jumps in saying well I cant afford to work unless granny minds the kids for nothing, we certainly weren't at all well off when our kids were small, every month was a struggle and all my income went on childcare, but I still wouldn't have expected anyone else to care for them for free. Our children, our responsibility)

I think there is a history to some of these threads that we don't know about. I have a rather unpleasant mother in law. She and FIL stayed with us once (they live overseas). Her behaviour included making vomiting noises and throwing her food away when I cooked something she disliked, smashing cups around when I failed to make a tray of tea with her evening meal (had no idea she took tea then), buying canned fruit and offering it to DH and FIL but not me...DH always supports her not me.

I don't like FIL either. He always stares at my tits (I haven't told DH that and he doesn't seem to notice) which pisses me off. He is also rude and disparaging towards my kids, his own grandchildren. For example my DD was playing them a tune on her instrument (she is Grade 5 so can play quite well). She made a mistake and he burst out laughing - he is a grade A shit IMO. DH thinks he is just a bit senile.

However when DH and I argue about them it is always about some practical thing, such as exact arrangements for visiting - where to go, how long to stay etc.

Lol, if ds became a father the same age I became a mother I could be a grandma at 29.

I just hope he learns from everything I can show him about how hard it has been for me, and that although I have made it work, and work well its definately not something that should be on the agenda before he's 20

Lots of my friends were Grannies at the age of 40.

I think what some people fail to understand is that if you've raised your own family, and then you're given a GC to look after...you can take as much 'instruction' as you like from your kids on how they want the child fed/looked after etc....

But if whatever they've asked you to do is not working, you'll probably revert back to what you used to do as a parent if you know it works.

I don't mean anything serious like not using a car seat or anything like that...but if a child doesn't want the yoghurt it's been given to eat then naturally you'll give it something else.

My Mum used to do this and quite frankly I was just grateful my kids ate anything at all...and that she was bothered enough to get them to try.

thanks Mrsjay

As an aside, my DD has the most amazing set of GPs (my parents) and I recognise this all the more because her paternal GPs won't even acknowledge her existence

Their loss - wankers.

My current partner - dad to the bun-in-oven, has a fabulous family and I am so excited for our baby to have both my parents and his mum/sisters/brothers waiting.

I imagine we won't always see eye-to-eye on parenting, who does?

"that's what Grandparents are there for surely, to enjoy their grandchildren without the responsibility of rules, it's certainly what i remember of spending time with my grandparents ...late nights, treats for breakfast, being indulged (perhaps a little spoilt) etc"

Yes, agree,being a grandparent is a different role from being a parent. Ideally it can be a really close, loving special relationship. But why should anyone who has raised their own family be burdened with responsibility?

Surely becoming grandparents should be something lovely which makes your life more full in a good way, not something which restricts your life by having to be at the school gate at 3 oclock, or having to chase after a pre-schooler all day?

My current partner - dad to the bun-in-oven

Is his name Gregg by any chance?

@ Worra - how did you know!

I originally typed "my current partner, dad to current bun-in-the-oven" and then giggled at "current bun" and my lack of ability lately, to string sentences together.

Ive had unpaid GP help with my DCs, as my parents and ILs did and as I expect my DCs to have from me when I'm older.

Id much rather that model of childraising than the uber nuclear 'the children are the possession of the birth parents' model.

I'm trying hard not to mention Spotted Dick here

YANBU, on the whole.

I think the real problem is in how people think about the 'rights and responsibilities' of grandparents. There aren't any, beyond what we have to other human beings in the first place. It may sound harsh, but a grandparent has no automatic moral 'right' to spend time with or make decisions for a grandchild. Likewise, a grandparent has no automatic moral responsibility to provide financial help, childcare, or any other kind of support for a grandchild.

It is lovely - and obviously a social ideal - when extended families take responsibility for and love one another, and when positive relationships exist.

But in so many cases, people seem to feel that there is a right or an obligation.

If things are a one off then I would agree you should just get over it, etc. BUT if grandparents have OFFERED to do childcare and you have taken a job/place at uni/etc on that basis then they should be prepared to have sensible rules in place in agreement with the parents.

When I first had dd1 my parents offered (meaning I did not ask at all) to look after her so I could go to uni, so I took up a place for a 3 year degree. I am grateful that they did the childcare, but I did have a few moans about some of the things they felt were acceptable. The food they fed her was not at all what I would have been feeding her (lots of pasties, pies, chicken nuggets, chocolate, crisps, with very little fruit and veg) and she did not get much in the way of exercise as my dad just didn't think to take her out to the park/soft play, the only exercise she got was when i took her swimming on Wed afternoons and I took her out at weekends obviously. I would have loved to be able to afford to send her to a childminder but if I had then I would have had no money at all to pay for rent, bills, food, etc.

As soon as I got a job that would let me pay for childcare as well as pay the bills I sent her there. Now I have dd2 and they have offered a few times to help out with the childcare but dd2 goes to a cm full time and I only call on my parents in emergencies. They don't really understand this but with my cm I can specify what dd2 eats (I send a packed lunch), they go out and about every day even if it is just for a walk, she has other children to play with, and best of all they don't make a mess in my house (when my parents have her every toy she owns is out on the living room floor when I get home).

I think YABU actually. If GPs offer or agree to mind GC they should abide by the parent's rules. I think GP are well within their rights to decline helping with GC though. When I have GC I plan to help out but not on f/t basis, as I feel I will have done my child raising and want to live my own life.

I wouldn't want to use family for childcare as paid cc seems alot more straight forward.

Mine have just looked after 2 of mine for a week (holiday) and generally I have turned a blind eye as it is a rare occurence. However somethings were totally unacceptable

YANBU. I have very good reason to dislike my inlaws but they are wonderful grandparents. The only thing I strongly disagree with is FIL's language and racism in front of DC (obviously) but as long as that is under control they can spoil her rotten.

My parents are very frustrating. As much as I love them they find my DD hard work. She is a normal 4 year old but my parents think she is precocious and naughty. Very sad that they can't just enjoy her.

I would never ask either sets of GPs to look after my DD full time though. If we couldn't afford childcare we wouldn't have had our child.

My attitude towards my mil is not great.

Why did she lock 4 children under 5 in house & go out to buy fish & chips? This happened during our wedding - there was a paid for babysitter who she sent home before locking children in. What sort of grandmother invites gc to stay for 3 days then has 'granny's special secret' with gc - locking child in house so can go out. GC was 3 at time & unable to keep secrets. Grandmother has set TWO different houses on fire due to negligence.

Why should I not be on my guard with this woman? She does not have dementia or Alzheimer's, has issues with hoarding etc.

'Ive had unpaid GP help with my DCs, as my parents and ILs did and as I expect my DCs to have from me when I'm older.

Id much rather that model of childraising than the uber nuclear 'the children are the possession of the birth parents' model.'

• I don't think anyone has suggested the children are the possessions of the parents. What a strange way to look at it

What I said was that it is the parents decision to have children, when, how many etc, and with that comes the responsibility. My children have a great relationship with gps, aunts, uncles, godparents, friends etc which is how things should be (none of us live in isolation) but that's very different from expecting anyone else to work for free. And looking after children on a regular basis is hard work.

I only have a FIL as everyone else is dead. He is ok with my ds, not so much with dd.

MIL was awful. I did not like her, dh did not like her, even as a child

PIL never looked after the dcs at all. Have never been alone with them.

Well, the attitude of some MNers towards all kinds of things is dreadful. Same as all other communities, surely?

YANBU. I have to listen to my neice complaining about her MIL (who actually is a real sweetheart) not doing things 'her' way. Both sets of parents bbsit all week between them - this really is free childcare as my neice has a low wage job and could never afford to work otherwise. The terrible MIL does some terrible things like....carrying the boy around, sleeping in same room as the boy. Rehensible!!!

Obviously, GP have no obligations to their GC at all. But I do get annoyed with this generation of entitled pensioners. They are healthier than ever, bleeding the country dry with their full on pensions (of course, not ALL, but this is true for many IME, none of whom ever earned very much during their working lives), and now say they want to swan around spending the inheritance instead of feeling 'obliged' to bbsit once in a while. My parents were definately like this to my sister and the memory still annoys me.

Grandparents get out what they put in.

My parents are AMAZING, have been so supportive of DH and I through tough times. We see them at least once or twice a week, speak most days. They adore my kids, my kids adore them. They aren't perfect, they do things with the kids that perhaps I wouldn't, they spoil them a leetle more than I'd like; but I'd never dream if complaining or even getting bothered about it because I put it in the context of how fantastic they are and it's irrelevant.

My inlaws are the polar opposite, have caused massive amounts if hurt, and get right on my tits. They see us very infrequently but I get far more riled about any 'infractions' from them because, frankly, they haven't earned any lenience.

YABU and that is from someone who is going to be a hands on step nan in Febuary.

But why should anyone who has raised their own family be burdened with responsibility

Some of us see children as a joy and want to take any stress or strain off our family members, who we love (yes, really some of us love our families).

I wish that i was armed with the self confidence and knowledge that i have now, that is what i can pass on to both mum/dad and baby.

I don't think that it is unreasonable to carry out child care as the parents want it done, unless ridiculous rules are set, but i don't understand the problem that some people have with children being fed proper nutritional food, tbh.

I have been itching to get buying, but i am asking both parents their favourite colours and whether they want 'gender' colours etc.

You can give and do so much for your GC, that you cannot for your own, because it is a time ofinsecurity (for some), financial worries andf a fug of exhaustion.

What is the problem some have when families work as they should do and everyone pitches in?

LeBFG - I wouldn't call the state pension anything to write home about!
And frankly, anyone on more than that will have paid into it during their working life... that's how pensions work. Also, with the recession, many of those on private pensions will have seen the value plummet. I also think that even those who have done really well out of the housing market have got the worry or feeling they may have to sell their only asset to pay for care homes later on

I am not disputing that there are some wealthy people out there, but an awful lot aren't,and probably struggle.

As for swanning around spending the inheritance.... err, it's their money

Just to add i would sharply pull anyone up who describes me as free childcare, i will be getting well paid back, just not in money.

I agree with you, OP.

I've seen my PILs goodwill be totally abused by other family members demanding free childcare, week-in, week-out. PILs are exhausted and completely unable to enjoy their "retirement". Also completely unable to enjoy time with the GCs in question as grandparents.