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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this mum from school is odd and a bit of an ignoramus?

121 replies

MsBrown · 27/08/2012 11:28

I was at a birthday party yesterday for one of my daughter's friends from school. i didn't know any of the other mums so was pleased when one approached me and asked me to come and sit down for some tea with her.

Somehow we got onto the subject of my daughter having ASD. And i was really upset by the conversation.

It started with me saying something like, "i think i'll stay close and keep my eye on her incase she plays up. She's not too good with parties usually."

Woman said, "Oh is that because of the thing she has? What's it called again?"

I said, "Autism."

"What is autism? Will she ever grow out it?"

"Nope, as far as i know she'll have it for life." I explained about there being different spectrums, and dd is on higher functioning end.

Woman says, "Oh did something happen in your pregnancy then for her to have it? Did you drink a lot or smoke?"

I explained that no one knows what causes it, and i had a healthy pregnancy. She then made a face as if i was talking complete bollocks!

Then, for some reason, she started talking about Easties which then led on to special needs schools. She said that she doesn't think it right that SEN children are put into mainstream schools. It's extra work for the teacher plus the SEN kids will get bullied.

I said it's wrong to lump all SEN people together. You have to see them as individuals. If they can cope with mainstream, then let them go there. I reminded her that my daughter is classed as having SEN yet she's doing great in mainstream. She then argued that she knows what she's talking about as her sister works in a special needs school and comes home with bruises everyday from the pupils attacking her.

The woman saw me with my phone out, and said, 'Let's have your number and we'll get a girls night in organised this weekend. Get a babysitter and i'll pop round with a bottle of wine."

I've literally only just met her! I don't like wine and didn't particularly like her. I said i'm busy this weekend, but gave her my number (don't know how i could politely refuse tbh). She then said, "What about next weekend?" I said I'm busy. She wasn't taking the hint. "What about the next weekend?" I said, "Maybe." But she seemed to take that as a yes.

She then started telling me about her situation with her ex and wanted to know mine. She stayed glued to me for the whole party. Whenever i went to to talk to another mum, she made a face.

Since i got home last night, the woman text me five times in the space of an hour about random rubbish e.g. watching tv, bathing dd etc. She didn't even wait on me replying, she just kept texting.

i've avoided her in the playground today and rushed right back home so i don't have to speak to her.

Am i being unreasonable in thinking this woman is odd and ignorant?
Or is she just being friendly and i'm the odd one?

OP posts:

cocolepew · 27/08/2012 18:28

Why is it when somebody is described as being odd, or bolshy or rude or pushy there is a spate of posts saying the must be ASD? Pisses me off.
Nobody can diagnose that from a few words on a page.
My DD is ASD and is none of these things.

Believe it or not some people are just rude, pushy and thick skined.

BadEducation · 27/08/2012 18:35

Coco, I don't think anyone has said the woman must have an ASD, merely that it is a possibility. She could well be rude, pushy and thick skinned but I think it's unfair of the op to make these judgements so soon when there could be other issues there

AmberLeaf · 27/08/2012 18:39

no but people have suggested ASD because she is rude and pushy.

she just sounds like a rude nosey bitch tbh.

BadEducation · 27/08/2012 18:49

We don't know one way or the other though do we, amber? And neither does the op. The woman could have an ASD, or she might be rude, or she might be pushy, or she may have poor social skills learnt from parents with poor social skills. No one knows. I just think its a shame for the op to judge her so harshly.

TheOriginalSteamingNit · 27/08/2012 18:52

I reckon she could be anxious about having offended you, and cack handedly trying to make sure you're not annoyed with her. Sorry if that's been suggested already.

TheBigJessie · 27/08/2012 18:55

Well, the OP, in order to give the context, had to mention her own daughter. That meant people were already reminded of ASDs. Then, we had words like "odd" and "socially awkward" mentioned.

All in all, it's guaranteed that MNers would entertain the ironic idea that the mother of an Aspie was being annoyed by an adult who might have an ASD.

TheBigJessie · 27/08/2012 18:57

*Mother of a daughter with an ASD

AmberLeaf · 27/08/2012 18:59

I don't think the OP has judged her harshly though. I think OP felt really uncomfortable at this womans manner.

I dont think she has an ASD and i will admit to getting annoyed at the suggestion of that whenever someone mentions a negative trait in a person.

Theoriginalsteamingnit that's a good point.

BadEducation · 27/08/2012 19:03

I'd say calling her odd and an ignoramus is judging her harshly.

AmberLeaf · 27/08/2012 19:07

I think after reading all the replies suggesting ASD people should gpo back and re read the OP.

She is an ignoramous.

AlexReidsLonelyBraincell · 27/08/2012 19:07

Some people just are that pushy, give an inch they'll take ten miles types.

It is insulting to people who are on the spectrum to immediately attribute negative personality characteristics to autism, aspergers. Some people just are annoying and overfamiliar.

AmberLeaf · 27/08/2012 19:08

I think after reading all the replies people suggesting ASD should go back and re read the OP.

She is an ignoramous.

TheBigJessie · 27/08/2012 19:13

Actually, I wouldn't say that odd or ignoramus are particularly harsh. Which just goes to show how complicated it is to gauge offensiveness. Ironic, really.

MamaBear17 · 27/08/2012 19:15

I have no advice, but my two pennies worth is that she is talking crap with regards to SEN kids not being in mainstream schools. I am a teacher an there is a big difference between pupils who have SEN and pupils whose needs mean they require specialist education. My brothers both have ASD and both of them have managed to carve out a path for themselves (they are highly functioning aspergers) and went to a mainstream school. Ignorance is not an excuse for being a judgemental cowbag.

Lougle · 27/08/2012 19:16

Poor woman. I hate the school gate. Genuinely I do. I hate the trying-to-be-pleasant-but-not-too-needy-but-not-too-aloof-but-not-intense thing. I end up saying nothing at all.

Funnily enough, it's ok at my DD1's school because all the children have SN, so it's a failsafe conversation we can have - how crap is it to have to fight for everything and how lovely yet challenging and unique our children are, blah blah.

Perhaps this woman has ASD. Perhaps she doesn't. Perhaps she is lonely and thought you were interested in her. Perhaps she thought you were lonely and you are her 'mission'. Who knows?

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 27/08/2012 19:30

Yeah but lougle the woman was incredibly rude about children with SN going to ms.
She was being ignorant and annoying.
Like you I don't have to put up with that crap at the school gate and I tend to walk away from it anywhere else.

The op sat and spoke to her and gave her number to the woman. I think she was pretty nice considering. She is having a vent on her.

She is much nicer than me.
Depending on my mood I may well have told her fuck off with her ideas about kids with asd being resource sappers.
She said that to a mother with a child with SN.

She would have to have some very redeeming traits for me to want to bother with her after that little gem.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 27/08/2012 19:32

And I agree with the school gate, dreading DC4 starting in September. He is in MS so no waving him off on the bus. I will have to actually brave the school gates again.

Sigh

Lougle · 27/08/2012 19:37

Well yes, she was very ignorant about ASD. I'll grant you that But somehow, I think that if she had meant to be as rude as she was, then she wouldn't want to spend time with the mother of the child. The fact that she's keen for playdates (what a cringeworthy word) tells me that she wasn't actually thinking that children with ASD should be closeted off.

Tbh, as an aside, I generally feel sorry for my MS girls. DD1 has an absolute ball at her SS with all her friends They do more in a day than most children in MS do in a term.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 27/08/2012 20:38

Cool isn't it? The lead up to Christmas is awesome. They are beating off freebie giving well wishers with a stick

Lougle · 27/08/2012 20:43

It really is fantastic DD1 regularly swims, cooks, goes on trips, etc. DD2 won't swim until year 2.

CanoeSlalom · 27/08/2012 20:46

Sound like she's trying to be friendly but has limited social skills. She seems to have no idea that she's said anything unusual or which could offend. So I'd cut her some slack as she's really not being rude deliberately.

There's no need to blank her as someone suggested above, that would be unkind and OTT. She means no harm but just hasn't learned manners or tact.

Just keep your contact to a brief smile and hello, and make other friends.

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