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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this mum from school is odd and a bit of an ignoramus?

121 replies

MsBrown · 27/08/2012 11:28

I was at a birthday party yesterday for one of my daughter's friends from school. i didn't know any of the other mums so was pleased when one approached me and asked me to come and sit down for some tea with her.

Somehow we got onto the subject of my daughter having ASD. And i was really upset by the conversation.

It started with me saying something like, "i think i'll stay close and keep my eye on her incase she plays up. She's not too good with parties usually."

Woman said, "Oh is that because of the thing she has? What's it called again?"

I said, "Autism."

"What is autism? Will she ever grow out it?"

"Nope, as far as i know she'll have it for life." I explained about there being different spectrums, and dd is on higher functioning end.

Woman says, "Oh did something happen in your pregnancy then for her to have it? Did you drink a lot or smoke?"

I explained that no one knows what causes it, and i had a healthy pregnancy. She then made a face as if i was talking complete bollocks!

Then, for some reason, she started talking about Easties which then led on to special needs schools. She said that she doesn't think it right that SEN children are put into mainstream schools. It's extra work for the teacher plus the SEN kids will get bullied.

I said it's wrong to lump all SEN people together. You have to see them as individuals. If they can cope with mainstream, then let them go there. I reminded her that my daughter is classed as having SEN yet she's doing great in mainstream. She then argued that she knows what she's talking about as her sister works in a special needs school and comes home with bruises everyday from the pupils attacking her.

The woman saw me with my phone out, and said, 'Let's have your number and we'll get a girls night in organised this weekend. Get a babysitter and i'll pop round with a bottle of wine."

I've literally only just met her! I don't like wine and didn't particularly like her. I said i'm busy this weekend, but gave her my number (don't know how i could politely refuse tbh). She then said, "What about next weekend?" I said I'm busy. She wasn't taking the hint. "What about the next weekend?" I said, "Maybe." But she seemed to take that as a yes.

She then started telling me about her situation with her ex and wanted to know mine. She stayed glued to me for the whole party. Whenever i went to to talk to another mum, she made a face.

Since i got home last night, the woman text me five times in the space of an hour about random rubbish e.g. watching tv, bathing dd etc. She didn't even wait on me replying, she just kept texting.

i've avoided her in the playground today and rushed right back home so i don't have to speak to her.

Am i being unreasonable in thinking this woman is odd and ignorant?
Or is she just being friendly and i'm the odd one?

OP posts:

RevDebeezWoodall · 27/08/2012 11:49

Just to clarify I don't think you HAVE to be friends. But first impressions are a bitch when you're socially awkward. Maybe a second chance in a group setting as someone mentioned?

Margerykemp · 27/08/2012 11:51

I imagine lots of people don't know much about autism. Why would they if they're not readers/newswatchers/have a child with it.

Given her lack of social skills it would surprise me if she was on the spectrum herself.

threesocksmorgan · 27/08/2012 11:55

just because someone is rude does not mean they instantly have sn, perhaps they are just rude

NellyJob · 27/08/2012 11:57

Given her lack of social skills it would surprise me if she was on the spectrum herself
certainly sounds like it.....
sounds like someone who puts their 'mouth into gear before brain is in action'.
5 texts in an hour is a bit odd.

dysfunctionalme · 27/08/2012 11:58

She sounds VERY like someone I have come across who has become notorious in our area. Blunt, inappropriate, stalkerish... I truly believe the woman I know and the one you describe has a disorder because she just doesn't get it. I think she wants friends and believes her behaviour is fine and is oblivious to signals - and even words - from others.

I would steer clear because she won't improve and you really don't need her and her problems in your life.

PenisVanLesbian · 27/08/2012 11:58

op didn't call her rude, she called her odd and ignorant. Not the same thing.

manbearpig · 27/08/2012 11:58

Steer clear. She'll latch onto someone else soon enough. If she asks why you don't reply to her texts just tell her you're crap with your phone (my husbands excuse)

Kladdkaka · 27/08/2012 12:02

You must have the patience of a saint. When she asked for the phone number I would have point blank refused and told her I'd rather eat my own leg than meet up with her. But then I'm autistic, being blunt to the point of rudeness is my forte. :o

tabulahrasa · 27/08/2012 12:02

I don't mind when people don't know about autism, especially if they're asking about it as clearly they want to know - that wouldn't be an issue for me.

I wouldn't however particularly want to socialize with someone who thinks that children with SEN should be segregated, especially if they aren't willing to listen to another point of view, any more than I'd be interested in socializing with someone who thought that people should be separated by race or sexuality.

And texting that often without a reply is definitely odd.

Original poster

MsBrown · 27/08/2012 12:04

I agree. I ought to be more understanding of someone with poor social skills.

I've just never met another adult as forward as her before. I couldn't believe her asking for my number and inviting herself round to mine ten mins into our first ever conversation together!

I'm really worrying about this 'wine night' too. I don't want it to happen. i only like having friends/family round, as i'm more comfortable telling them the 'house rules' e.g. no loud noise due to sound-particular neighbours; no smoking indoors; asking them to leave when it's getting too late etc.

I think i'd be happier in giving her another chance if we took things a bit slower. i.e. had a few weeks of chatting in the playground, her not texting me personal stuff about her ex as if we're best buddies, perhaps meeting at the park with our dd's every now and then. She's text me twice again this morning. 1 - to ask if dd got to school ok because she never saw us; 2 - to ask what i'm upto. And that's with me still not having text back yesterday's messages.

OP posts:

SoleSource · 27/08/2012 12:04

Needy alert! Some people do smoke abd drink lots during pregnancy. To her it eas a.normal thing to ask. She is curios and different to ypu. Just block her number and tell jrr you ate busy at weekends you are babysitting for a relative or something. Smile keep ot short and sweet. Just say sorry I have got to go now.

SoleSource · 27/08/2012 12:07

Mrs Brown..do not do anything you do npt eant.to do in your own time. Even if that means not getting to know others within the group.

This wine night is causing you grief already.

Try meetup.comfor new friends outside of school. From what I hear they always end in tears and paranoia.

TheBigJessie · 27/08/2012 12:10

Hmm- I can't condemn someone for being initially ignorant about ASDs. Try to be totally objective when you assess her reaction to being corrected. I would also say in her favour, that she was at least partially concerned about children with SEN as people, even if she didn't recognise that they are individuals, with different needs.

No-one can diagnose with 100% accuracy on a second-hand account, so I'm not going to say she's on the AS spectrum. However, and this is a key point: I'm not going to diagnose her as NT either!

That might affect how you feel about her. It might not.

Kladdkaka · 27/08/2012 12:10

Asking whether someone's child is autistic because they smoked and drank during pregnancy isn't normal in any way shape or form. It is beyond offensive. I have autism. I very often make social mistakes and say inappropriate things, but even I know that asking that is incredibly wrong.

Mrsjay · 27/08/2012 12:12

pick up your child and run for the hills she sounds a complete loon dont get friendly with her smile sweetly and walk the other way when you see her,

PenisVanLesbian · 27/08/2012 12:14

So its ok for you to make social mistakes and say inappropriate things, but you have no understanding when others do, because they are different things?
everyone's normal is different, as you should know.

perplexedpirate · 27/08/2012 12:15

She sounds very much like someone I know. I am now in a situation where she'll ring and ring and ring and try and get me to go round.
I went to my friend's birthday do recently and this woman had a go at me for not inviting her. She's never even met said friend.

My advice is nip this in the bud now. It only gets more difficult as time does on.

dysfunctionalme · 27/08/2012 12:18

OK say no to the wine night and no to everything else. You don't need an excuse. Heavens, she's not one for kindly-worded remarks, she'll understand just fine.

Trust me you will not be the first to have had a negative experience with her, there's really no need to let this drag on any longer.

TheMonster · 27/08/2012 12:18

'house rules'???!!?? They sound like normal things to me and they don't need to be explained when someone is visiting. You've made yourself sound a bit odd now.

PenisVanLesbian · 27/08/2012 12:19

You don't have to be her friend or even ever talk to her again. My point is more that calling her names and discussing her issues like this is really very nasty. People calling her a "loon" and worse. No need for it.

TheBigJessie · 27/08/2012 12:20

What people see as offensive is incredibly varied. If we add the possibility of undiagnosed ASD, and thus someone who has no awareness that they are over-stepping boundaries, then it is even more complex. Then there are cultural or socio economic variations.

She may be nasty. She may be well-meaning but not very bright as MNers say. Can't tell yet.

Kladdkaka · 27/08/2012 12:22

So its ok for you to make social mistakes and say inappropriate things, but you have no understanding when others do, because they are different things?
everyone's normal is different, as you should know.

Is that to me? If so, you don't really know very much about autism do you.

AmberLeaf · 27/08/2012 12:30

You don't sound suited. For that reason there's not much point continuing a friendship.

She does sound like an ignoramous tbh because of what she said after she asked about autism.

I don't think she has autism not everyone with boundary issues has autism. They just have boundary issues!

Just ignore the texts. You don't have to do anything you don't want to.

chocoluvva · 27/08/2012 12:30

Poor you - how awkward.
"House rules" - to help your DD, btw?
Anyway, perhaps you could reschedule the wine night to another evening in a few weeks, as you're very busy. Also, go out somewhere, preferably with someone else too and specify a time by which you have to be home again (invent an excuse - DH is a little bit under the weather or somesuch).

TiggerWearsATriteSmile · 27/08/2012 12:31

Now that I think of it, she actually sounds like DH's colleagues wife.
We have been to each others homes and met socially, this woman would think nothing of opening drawers and cupboards or going through my handbag for instance.

She would be full on if you met her. She is harmless enough, just doesn't seem to have the same social boundaries. We don't see them often anymore, thankfully!

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