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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be pissed off that I have pissed off FIL?

118 replies

sleepychunky · 23/08/2012 19:45

DS1 is having a sleepover at his grandparents house tonight. I texted MIL to say that it would be great if they could collect him after 7.15 (once DS1 is in bed) so that DS2 doesn't know he's gone out and gets all upset (they are very close and DS2 doesn't like it when DS1 isn't there).
At 7.10 FIL appeared at the door and I said that we weren't ready yet as DS2 was still up and we were just finishing our bedtime routine, which is the only way we can get DS2 to go upstairs and settle easily (he's 2.8). I asked him if he could just wait in the car for 5 minutes whilst I got DS2 upstairs. If FIL had come in at that point it would have completely excited DS2 and he wouldn't have gone happily to bed for at least another half an hour, maybe more. FIL stropped off and went home again, and then I got a text from MIL a few minutes later. She turned up at about 7.20 to collect DS1.
FIL is now in a big strop (he is renowned for being the world's biggest sulker) but I really don't think I did anything wrong, yet I'm feeling really crap. AIBU for thinking if I said come after 7.15, he should have come after 7.15? They know how difficult it is to get DS2 to bed and that we have a pretty strong routine when interruptions are really not helpful.
Sorry, this is actually really trivial but I really hate it when I have annoyed people but I don't think it is my fault. I know FIL is going to be sulky with me for days (we see them nearly every day and DH is spending the whole day there tomorrow shifting pots in their garden).

OP posts:

mantlepiece · 23/08/2012 22:29

I don't think that you are pissed off because you have upset FIL, you are pissed off because you think they favour DS1.

I think DS1 should have gone to PIL a whole lot earlier but you have told them they can't have him until DS2 is in bed.

I think you are feeling hurt for DS2 and that is why the situation occurred.

A lot of mothers have been in the same boat, and it is difficult emotionally to see this happening but it doesn't help the situation to create dramas.

CommaChameleon · 23/08/2012 22:40

Maybe their clock is fast?

Maybe yours is slow?

It was only five minutes and once he was there it was a bit rude to ask him to go and sit in the car. I think you both over-reacted a little and although I can understand that you were stressed and he was annoyed because they are doing you a favour, sulking for weeks will be something of an extreme reaction and I'd be pissed off too if he actually carries that out.

maddening · 23/08/2012 23:43

I don't think the fact that ds1 is staying over at gps is a reason to call op u - they are having him over for fun I assume as ds2 is still at home - it is not a favour for the op so she is not beholden to him for that - he wants to have one of his gs's over to stay.

next time just say you'll text or call when the coast is clear.

CoolaSchmoola · 24/08/2012 00:05

If you do your bedtime routine downstairs, and DS2 was still downstairs at 7.10 - would you honestly have got him upstairs, into bed, and in a deep enough sleep in five minutes that he wouldn't have heard GD come in and leave with DS1???

Chances are, probably not. So even if your FiL came at 7.15 and 30 seconds (well it's within the parameters!) it's highly likely DS2 would have heard him and woken up - if he'd even made it into bed!

Whilst I do have routines with DD - it's flexible to allow for the odd tweak where required - I wouldn't have refused entry to a family member - that's just rude. DS2 needs to learn that no matter what, where or who's there, bedtime is bedtime. Which is why, be it tent, caravan, ferry, hotel (we travel a LOT) DD goes to bed and goes to sleep when I decide it's time. Not her. And if she creates I carry her up the stairs and put her in bed. Yup, I'm the adult.

shinyblackgrape · 24/08/2012 08:17

I don't think FIL should be sulking but what on earth bedtime routine do you perform down stairs which results in your DS being fast asleep 5 minutes later?! We're you administering a general anaesthetic

diddl · 24/08/2012 08:28

If I was sent to the car for being 5mins early, there´s no way I´d have been coming back tbh-it would have been up to you to get your child to me.

redexpat · 24/08/2012 09:41

I don't think YWBU. ALthough next time, think about what time you want DC to be picked up, add 5 minutes, so when GPs turn up 5 minutes early, they are actually on time.

DixieD · 24/08/2012 09:51

I usually read MN in constant amazement at the things that are considered bad manners. Eating on the street, not getting kids to send written thank you noted, letting kids eat food in supermarket (from bar coded packs you intend to pay for obv), letting kids play with toys in supermarkets, etc...
I usually put it down to the fact that I am Irish and it must be cultural differences! We are obviously pig ignorant over here. But even I, with my uncouth Irish ways would not ask someone who was 5 mins early to wait in the car. That really is extremely rude. Bless them my parents and ILS would do it, but they would raise an internal eyebrow I am sure.
So what if DS2 was 1/2 hour late going to bed? It's not like he has an important meeting in the morning is it?
OTOH FIL does sound like I nightmare. I hate sulkers. But I would have been very upset of you did this to me.

HoratiaWinwood · 24/08/2012 10:13

When DS1 goes for a sleepover with the inlaws, he goes at around 3pm. DS2 gets otherwise rare undivided attention as though it were his treat, not DS1's.

OP has realised that she fucked up by saying "after 7.15" which FIL interpreted as "around 7.15".

YANBU to be annoyed that FIL is pissed off with you, but FIL INBU to be pissed off either.

As an aside, I'd put money on the fact that the following conversation having happened at around 7pm chez inlaws:

FIL: I'll go and fetch DS1 now.
MIL: You'll be too early, just wait a bit. It only takes five minutes to get there.
FIL: No, I'll go now. What difference could it possibly make?
...
MIL: Told you so. Fucksake. Give me the car keys.

ENormaSnob · 24/08/2012 10:29

Yabu

And rude.

And downright ridiculous tbh.

SigmundFraude · 24/08/2012 10:44

YABU. Do you really have to ask?!

MrsFlippingHeck · 24/08/2012 11:07

Yadnbu

I've got a 2yo too.

A 2yo that is a nightmare to get to sleep. My lovely inlaws wouldn't bat an eyelid at this. Your FIL has obviously forgotten what a potential nightmare it is every night with a tired toddler.

I suppose it's all in the way you asked him. If you were apologetic about it then he's being a total arse.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 24/08/2012 13:31

YA BOTH BU.

Apologise profusely, then at least if he continues to sulk you have the moral high ground.

Original poster

sleepychunky · 29/08/2012 22:30

Update for those who are interested - we have been round a couple of times since Thursday and FIL is not speaking to me. He didn't ever acknowlege my apology on Thursday night. So I don't really know what to do now, especially as Friday is approaching, which is DS1's regular sleepover night with them. There is more in another thread in relationships as things have escalated, but thanks to all for your input last week.

OP posts:

Floggingmolly · 30/08/2012 10:34

What does he get out of sleeping in a different bed, Sleepy? Why do you send him at bedtime, when he can't actually spend any time with the grandparents? What's the logic there, then?

TheBigJessie · 30/08/2012 11:00

Sorry to hear that. For the record, we are totally chaotic and unregimented here, but I still don't think you were being unreasonable unless you snarled it!

If the grandparents are acting as if they have a favourite, even if that's down to age of grandchildren than genuine emotional preference, they will have to allow the parents to conceal that. Even if it means waiting for five minutes one time!

mumnotmachine · 30/08/2012 11:10

I would have been annoyed as well if I was your FIL

if your DS is due to go to sleep again arrange a later pick up time, eg 7.30

Pancakeflipper · 30/08/2012 11:19

So DS1 stays over most Friday nights and collection has never been an issue with your younger child before?

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