to be pissed off that I have pissed off FIL?

[sleepychunky]

DS1 is having a sleepover at his grandparents house tonight. I texted MIL to say that it would be great if they could collect him after 7.15 (once DS1 is in bed) so that DS2 doesn't know he's gone out and gets all upset (they are very close and DS2 doesn't like it when DS1 isn't there).
At 7.10 FIL appeared at the door and I said that we weren't ready yet as DS2 was still up and we were just finishing our bedtime routine, which is the only way we can get DS2 to go upstairs and settle easily (he's 2.8). I asked him if he could just wait in the car for 5 minutes whilst I got DS2 upstairs. If FIL had come in at that point it would have completely excited DS2 and he wouldn't have gone happily to bed for at least another half an hour, maybe more. FIL stropped off and went home again, and then I got a text from MIL a few minutes later. She turned up at about 7.20 to collect DS1.
FIL is now in a big strop (he is renowned for being the world's biggest sulker) but I really don't think I did anything wrong, yet I'm feeling really crap. AIBU for thinking if I said come after 7.15, he should have come after 7.15? They know how difficult it is to get DS2 to bed and that we have a pretty strong routine when interruptions are really not helpful.
Sorry, this is actually really trivial but I really hate it when I have annoyed people but I don't think it is my fault. I know FIL is going to be sulky with me for days (we see them nearly every day and DH is spending the whole day there tomorrow shifting pots in their garden).

YWBU. I'd be fairly pissed off to turn up and then be sent to sit in the car for the sake of 5 minutes. It's such a short period of time that it could easily be explained away by watches being set slightly differently. On the other hand, I can't be doing with sulkers either.

But it might have helped if you'd given a more sensible window of time in the first place. If you'd have said 7.30 and started your ds2's bedtime routine slightly earlier then there would have been no problem. Especially as 5 minutes seems such a pedantic difference in time.

Wow I am obv BU. Thanks for telling me. We do all the bedtime routine downstairs so there was no way FIL could come in without DS2 seeing him - if we had been upstairs I absolutely would have asked him to come in and just wait.
I did try to get DS2 in bed earlier but the two of them just feed off each other with silliness and fighting and it just takes forever to get them settled down when that happens.

I think YABU

• They were having DS1
• He was only 5 minutes early
• You knew he was coming at 7.15 yet you were running behind

On the other hand I think DS2 needs to learn that DS1 can go out without him and that the whole world doesn't bow down to suit him; ie making Grandad go away instead of saying Hi, DS1 having to pretend to be around until he goes to sleep.

Could you or your dh just not have dropped the older kid off yourself to stop any potential disturbing of the younger one? A 5 minute time slot is cutting it a bit fine, you maybe should have said come at quarter to 8! as for not letting him over the doorstep, totally rude!

If I'd had that situation with my PILs, they'd have parked out of sight round the corner and texted to ask if the coast was clear. But then they're lovely. They would also have thought we were slightly bonkers, waited a few years till we'd got over ourselves, and then had a laugh with us about it.

I think maybe you should apologise to FIL, forget about it, and figure out some better ways of managing ds2's behaviour. Cos that's your real issue here, isn't it?

How old is DS1? Just thinking, 7.30 is quite late to go for a sleepover if he is a littly as no doubt he'd be in bed rather early. Maybe a much earlier pick up would have been more fun for DS1 and MIL&FIL and calmer for DS2 nearer bedtime?

YABU. If someone is doing a kindness for you and putting themself out it seems v ungracious to expect them to stick to your way to the letter. You may not have meant it rudely but there can't be many people who wouldn't have gone back to the car and fumed a bit.

This is by the by but would it not be better to have thoroughly prepared DS2 for DS1's sleepover so GPs could have come a fair bit earlier, had a little bit of time with DS2, then trot off merrily with DS1 and everyone's happy? Is that not doable?

'If I'd had that situation with my PILs, they'd have parked out of sight round the corner and texted to ask if the coast was clear. But then they're lovely. They would also have thought we were slightly bonkers, waited a few years till we'd got over ourselves, and then had a laugh with us about it.'

Those are the Very Finest Kind of parents and friends to have, Bertha!
Everyone with small children needs a handful of people like that in their lives!

I don't see that op's ds2's behaviour needs 'managing'. He's a TODDLER. I don't know what flavour toddlers you all had, but mine us Excitable Flavour. We have no set routine and he is generally very flexible with bed time etc (he is currently running round our neighbour's garden because DH has gone for a drink) but if any visitor, let alone a beloved grandparent, appeared in our lounge five minutes before bedtime, I'm telling you now that there us no fucking way the kid is going to trot off to bed.

That isn't 'unmanageable behaviour' here on Planet Normal, it's entirely to be expected.

So why not ask FIL to turn up at 7.30 or later. xMumof3x ?
he cut it close because he probably didn't want to leave the OP waiting and watching the clock. I tend to be early for most things. Except parties.

I have texted FIL to tell him that I really didn't mean to be rude and that I just wanted to get DS2 up in bed. Annoying/upsetting people is the last thing in my life I want to do.
mogandme DS1 is the massive favourite with the ILs (first grandchild) and it's not about the world revolving around DS2, more trying to not let him see that DS1 is getting special treats.

If he had arrived 5 mins later would your DS2 have been settled in bed, and not heard the door and wondered what was going on? If yes then YANBU.
Personally I don't think 5 mins makes that much of a difference if he is so difficult at bed time. Is DS2 not going to be upset in the morning when his brother aint gonna be there?

That's a little presumption xMum. Some of us did/do have strict bedtime routines but that doesn't mean you send members of the family out to sit in the car because you've failed to allow adequate time for these strict bedtimes to be concluded. It's not the fault of the OP's FIL that she'd spent the day bickering with the children either.

YANBU to have a routine, to understand your child and how an unexpected visit would excite him and upset the routine, and to plan accordingly around that by asking FIL to come later.

He did exactly what my FIL would have done and totally ignored the fact you do this sort of stupid stuff for a very good reason (to get him to bed, to have an evening to yourself - finally) and turned up early. Annoying. Sadly though, for the sake of familial harmony and to show appreciation for the fact they're doing something nice for their grandchild - you have to pull this face then mutter that he's a selfish tosser once he's gone.

I know you've already said you accepted you'd BU but I don't think you deserved some of the comments you've gotten, and wanted to let you know I can empathise.

You still should have let him in though

Seems late tohave a sleepover
If you'd got them to pick up ds1 earlier you wouldn't have had to put up with bickering all day &' you could have had a lovely afternoon just with ds2 baking cakes, park etc

I couldn't drop DS1 off myself as DH is at work with the car. I should have said after 7.30 rather than after 7.15 with hindsight, but the key word as far as I'm concerned is "after". If someone asked me to come round after 7.15 I would not arrive until at least 7.25, but that's just me

YANBU Would it really have been that big of a deal for him to wait till 7.15? And why is he storming off with his knickers in a twist?

Anyway, the main point is why should you have to pussyfoot around a grown man in case he gets upset and sulks for day. I HATE SULKERS! If you're pissed off say 'I'm pissed off', don't mope around in a passive aggressive self indulgent bubble.

Thanks to those who said IANBU - I suppose it's a routine vs. non-routine thing, and my DS2 needs his routine for the sanity and health of all of us

Ridiculous to ask him to wait in the car! I would have pretended I thought you were joking and I think if you'd pursued it I would have gone home too. Very rude.

Ooo I would not have sent him to the car.

If someone did that i would think they were being a bit bonkers.

Does no on else think the fact he's going to be sulky with her for days is a bigger rudeness than her telling him to wait in the car?

Jesus. Couldn't he have waited in the kitchen with a cuppa? I don't understand the problem with him coming in.

I suppose it's a routine vs. non-routine thing

I disagree. I am very routine-focussed. However, I would never refuse entry to a family member based on my DDs bedtime. Regardless. She is a child, and bedtime is bedtime, irrespective.

I may ask said GP if they want to do the bedtime story though.

Ywnbu. Clearly they live close by so it wouldn't have been difficult for them to arrive at the right time.