To be fed up my sister has shown no interest in being an aunty

[1500mmania]

Hi folks I could do with some mumsnet perspective on this one as it is niggling away at me.

My ds is 11 months now. My sister is not interested in kids, doesn't want them & says herself that she is too selfish to have them etc. I know this but I am still pretty upset that she has shown no real interest in DS.

We live in London and no family close by, my sister lives the closest in Surrey and comes into London approx every fortnight for work but she has never made an attempt to see him/ come across to visit ( we live 4 tube stops from her work). She offered to babysit once but cancelled the next day as she had double booked.

The only time she sees him is when GPs are visiting and then she shows no interest really, holds him for a while and then just chats to GPs and ignores him.

She is my only sister and older than me. I know she's not massively child friendly and a bit self involved but I just thought she would be a tad more interested - is that me just being a mum and wanting people to share in my lovely DS. I know she is busy with a hectic job but she finds time for other people. Maybe she will
be better as he grows up? I can't see it though.

It's really eating away at me now and making me not like my sister very much. Has anyone else experienced similar? Should I say something to her? Or am I ridiculous to think that she was going to change for DS and become a lovely aunty (when I was pregnant there were all these promises of what a wonderful aunty she was going to be!)

Sorry for the long rant!

You never know, she might show more interest when he's older. I confess I can't stand young children. They just make noise and mess. I have very little to do with my neices and nephews. But my eldest nephew is now 10 and can hold a decent conversation and he's starting to grow on me.

Some people are just not interested in children, specially babies. She might get more interested as he gets older and "does" more. Or not. You can't force her to feel something she just doesn't feel.

But you could invite her over more often in a definite sort of way, rather than waiting for her to choose to come over, if you actually want to see her that is?

My sister loves DS, but wouldn't visit him off her own back. She just isn't into kids, it's not a crime

I can see why you're disappointed but some people just aren't interested in babies. I'm sure your DS is delightful but she probably just finds him boring.
Maybe she'll be more involved when he is walking and talking and starts to be a bit more interesting.
I know I struggled to be interested in my nieces and nephews until they were 2/3 ish.
Obviously now I have my own DD I think everything she does is endlessly fascinating but I still find it hard to be interested in other people's babies.

Oh dear.

I know you think your DS is the cutest, most gorgeous creature ever born, that doesn't mean she does.
Some people don't like kids that much. I have 3 and I don't particularly like other people's kids that much.
My sister doesnt have kids and isn't interested in mine particularly. But why should she? I'm a bit disappointed but what can I do?

You may have to accept she just doesn't think your son is 'all that'. Try not to let it ruin your relationship, we are all different.

My sister ,also career orientated with no children, showed little interest in my DC's when they were small but has been a fantastic aunt as they have got older. She has taken them on some fabulous holidays and days out and this summer is going to a series of Shakespeare plays with my eldest. Perhaps your sister will also find her niche as your son gets older and I wouldn't say anything now just wait and see

My cousin "A" miscarried 4 years ago and they have struggled to conceive since. Since then her sister "B" has had 2 kids. "A" only sees the kids at Christmas because "it's too hard being around children when we can't have our own" which is fine, except "A" is a godmother to her friends little boy (born after B had her first) and takes him out all the time. The mind boggles.

From my own experience, I think that if you don't have babies / small children yourself, it's very difficult to see the subtle changes and personality aspects that are so obvious to their parents. Whereas young children can be much easier to engage with.

To put it more bluntly, I find babies terribly dull, but very much like my older nieces and nephews. Shame that the oldest niece has now gone into monosyllabic teenager mode!

Maybe she's picking up on your judgement of her ?

You know she isn't interested in children, you know she's busy and you claim that she's self involved. You chose to have children, she's chosen to remain child free. Each to their own.

Neither my sister, nor DH sister showed any interest in our children. I think they sent a congratulations card when dd was born, but nothing for ds and certainly no birthday cards over the years.

But, to be honest, I don't take it to heart. Their lives didn't involve children at the time and I don't think they appreciated how much a little interest would mean to us. I suspect that they might make better aunts of older children.

I just think back to when I was younger and my friends had children - i wasn't particularly fascinated with their offspring.

If you redid your original post replacing the words 'ds' and 'baby' with 'rhinoceros', would you feel differently about your sister's lack of interest? Your ds is a specialist interest for you. A lot of people really don't like children. Unlike many of them, your sister has been sensible enough not to have her own.

Clearly you both thought that she would adore her nephew from the start, hence her comments during your pregnancy. It wouldn't be unusual for her to think that she would fall madly for the new baby as well. But she didn't. That's absolutely no comment on your fantastic ds - she just doesn't like rhinoceroses and at the moment he is a rhinoceros to her.

I think it would be sensible if you both stopped thinking of her lack of interest in rhinoceroses as 'selfishness'. I was only able to stop being angry with my first husband for not wanting a child when I fully took in that he DIDN'T want a child the way i DID want a child. We both had a right to our opinion and neither of us was wrong or evil.

My sister is 4years older than I and had her children in her early twenties. I was as interested in kids as I was watching paint dry. I babysat a handful of times but never really engaged in my niece and nephew. Fast forward to me being 38 and having my first (and only!) child. I ended up apologising to the hilt for not realising how hard it was and that I should have hepled her out a TON more. Had I realised the value of an afternoons peace I would have been round there like a shot!

Thankfully she hasn't held it against me :) So yes, some people just aren't as interested. Not a fault, just different.

Same as shakey. Only I haven't yet apologised.

My sister is not interested in kids, doesn't want them & says herself that she is too selfish to have them etc. I know this but I am still pretty upset that she has shown no real interest in DS.

Well there's two possibles you get from that

Either she really isn't interested in kids.

OR

Maybe there is something you don't know - perhaps she can't have kids and saying she has no interest is a defence. Perhaps she doesn't want to get emotionally involved with your child for this reason.

Either way, your son is your son NOT hers. And its up to her how involved/uninvolved she wants to be. You have separate lives to lead. Just because your son is the centre of your universe doesn't mean your sister has any obligation to be a large part of that. She has her own life to lead too.

I have to say, let it go. Back off. If there is an underlying problem issue here, I suspect if she wanted to talk about it with you she would have. Otherwise even if there isn't the more you force this issue, the more you'll end up driving your sister away ultimately. Let her do things in her own time if she wants - which may well be never.

I've been in the position of your sister, but with my oldest friend from childhood. I don't have anything against children (in fact I'm currently pregnant myself) but I found it difficult to handle how, when she had her son a year ago, everything became about him and how marvellous he was and how brilliant it would be for me to meet him and coo over him with her,, and I felt that the other things that had sustained a long friendship had completely fallen away. I appreciated that her life had completely changed, but I didn't understand why, if she valued our friendship, I was expected to be the one to do all the adapting to the fact that her life had changed. She had no interest in anything apart from her son, and I for one can't sustain a friendship based wholly around someone else's son! Her difficulty in seeing beyond her boy can be highlighted by how, after my miscarriage, I asked if I could have some news that WASN'T about her baby son (who was born a week before my miscarriage) and she flatly refused to even attempt it, saying everything revolved around him!

I'm not saying for a moment that you are as extreme; only that there might be a two-way element to what is going on with you and your sister - perhaps she feels that you are only / mainly seeing her now in terms of how she relates to your baby rather than all her other qualities?

Sorry but I think YABU. Some people just don't engage in babies and find them boring. I don't generally like them that much myself and I have had three of them. She may well become more interested as your DD gets older.

Its a tricky one. I never know what to do with other people's kids, and having my own hasn't really changed that except I'm a little less uncomfy around them.

Yet at least your sister shows some interest. My sister never wanted children but then got told she may never be able to have them. When I got pregnant she acted as if I'd done it to spite her, not that I had its just that I'm older and felt I was running out of time. When DD was born she played the loving aunt in public, whilst all the time having a go at me and complaining how my DD is ruining everything. I pulled contact with her after 3 weeks of it. My sister still complains about how all my parents focus on is their only grandchild, blah blah blah. Its all that she's not the centre of attention any more. Its so sad I think.

JoanOfArchitrave If my sister had a rhinoceros, I'd be round there like a shot! Much more interesting than a baby.

This is how my dad behaves with my DD.
I know he's never been child friendly, he's awkward around kids mostly, I thought he might be a bit different with her opposed to my step sis/bros kids but he is actually worse.
So I feel your pain OP

Thanks for the perspective. I know I can't just expect her to change because I've had a baby. Feel bad that I am letting it affect how I feel about her. How good would a rhino be as a nephew!

My brother was initially quite uninterested in my dd's, although polite, bought them a pressie, smiled if presented with them at family do's but no real attempt to build a relationship. This hasn't changed. So, don't depend on her suddenly loving older children, his situation is complex, but nevertheless, it does hurt that they seem to have less interest than anyone else, incuding adults in the family in your offspring. And it does affect how you feel about them, as your children are part of your family, and by being uninterested in them, they are being uninterested in you.

Secondsop, your friend sounds a bit baby obsessed, but, as you will find out yourself, very small babies suck up your time, attention and identity in a very absorbing and not that pleasant way. Your friend may well stop being all PFB about it, and go back to having a more interesting and varied life (you do rather feel like your topics of conversation contract initially because you can hardly leave the house and don't get much time/have concentration for reading the newspaper etc). But this may change, and you may also find yourself sucked in to some extent, though I think you are right that it is good to keep some semblance of self-identity from previously, and I've certainly kept all my friends from pre-children and have things to talk about (mainly their love lives!)

YABU. You know she doesn't like kids. Your special little snowflake is no different I'm afraid.

As someone with no kids... they can be pretty boring until they are able to interact and communicate. I have two goddaughters who are sisters and I sometimes feel guilty that I 'prefer' the elder as I get so much more out of the relationship (the youngest is 8 months). And as someone who will never have children I have learnt to value my freedom and have filled my life with friends and activities. I might not be a parent but that doesn't make my life any less busy than my friends who do have children. Squeezing in time with friends and family gets harder as we all get busier!!!

Muxi - for those struggling to conceive a sibling's child which has a genetic link to them can be far more painful to be around than a child with no genetic link. There is also potentially some sibling rivallry between cousin A and her sister.

I love my niece to bits but I wasn't remotely interested in her when she was a baby. When she could walk and talk I felt differently.

My sister has never liked other people's children.