To be fed up my sister has shown no interest in being an aunty

[1500mmania]

Hi folks I could do with some mumsnet perspective on this one as it is niggling away at me.

My ds is 11 months now. My sister is not interested in kids, doesn't want them & says herself that she is too selfish to have them etc. I know this but I am still pretty upset that she has shown no real interest in DS.

We live in London and no family close by, my sister lives the closest in Surrey and comes into London approx every fortnight for work but she has never made an attempt to see him/ come across to visit ( we live 4 tube stops from her work). She offered to babysit once but cancelled the next day as she had double booked.

The only time she sees him is when GPs are visiting and then she shows no interest really, holds him for a while and then just chats to GPs and ignores him.

She is my only sister and older than me. I know she's not massively child friendly and a bit self involved but I just thought she would be a tad more interested - is that me just being a mum and wanting people to share in my lovely DS. I know she is busy with a hectic job but she finds time for other people. Maybe she will
be better as he grows up? I can't see it though.

It's really eating away at me now and making me not like my sister very much. Has anyone else experienced similar? Should I say something to her? Or am I ridiculous to think that she was going to change for DS and become a lovely aunty (when I was pregnant there were all these promises of what a wonderful aunty she was going to be!)

Sorry for the long rant!

I just can’t understand how you’d not at least be interested in your own sibling’s baby? How utterly bizarre. I’ve got a lot of nieces and nephews and if my sister had behaved like this with my kids, we’d have had a row. Family is everything - you don’t have to adore every baby but your own flesh and blood?!

You know this thread is 7 years old right?

If people don’t like dogs or pets we don’t get upset when no one takes an interest. Or if they don’t like your hobby

Cut her some slack. Not everyone likes children, especially the small ones.

Well as this thread is from 2012 I’m sure she adjusted..

In terms of her not visiting when she comes to London for work, I used to do this regularly. It meant getting an early train there and a late train back. I was exhausted by the end of the day. I would not have wanted to travel 4 stops on the tube to visit anyone, sorry.

Jez this child is reading and writing now. I knew I recognised the title, how sad is that

some people just dont like kids??

i adore my child - but i dont like other peoples kids much (even the well behaved ones)!

we all think our kids are the cutest (and rightly so)! but your sister is entitled to dislike them even if it is her nephew

Zombie 🧟‍♂️ 🧟‍♀️ !!!!!!!

I could pretty much be your sister.

Strangely enough I actually don't mind babies so much, but as soon as they can move I want to get as far away from them as possible. My nephews are now teens and although I don't see them much, I enjoy it when I do as I can have an actual conversation with them.

I also know people who only like their own kids and try to avoid other people's, which I can understand!

My husband and I are child free by choice. We have nieces and nephews and we don’t get involved with them at all. We don’t like children, don’t like being around them, our house is a strictly child free zone.

I’m always exited to play with her dog though! He’s welcome over any time!

I totally understand your disappointment and I would probably feel the same in your shoes. Some people just aren't interested in babies though, and there's not much you can do about it.

She may well become more interested when he's older and she can have a different kind of relationship with him.

This is funny.
I'm hearing the Cranberries.
In your head, in your head
Zombie, zombie, zombie-ie-ie
What's in your head, in your head
Zombie, zombie, zombie-ie-ie

I find this hard to understand but then I like babies more than I do older kids ( a lot of teenagers are annoying). Tbh I loved seeing pictures of my cousins kids and would happily visit if asked but was very wrapped up in my own life to suggest visits myself. I am not an auntie to my siblings kids yet but I can't wait to be! My sisters both ring and speak to my kids most days and my brother rings once a week to see them and check in with us but they all like children and mine are theirs too.

I have two myself and I can't force myself to have any genuine "active" interest in my nephews (who are younger than my children, so I had already were "maternal" before they were born).
I am actually ashamed of this and I do try my best to mask it - but I have to put reminders on my phone such as "call and ask how the first day in the nursery has been" or "ask about how's weaning going" etc.
My SIL, I think, has figured this out, but my brother and parents are still oblivious. Thankfully, they live in a different country so the contact is mainly virtual.
I really feel quite bad about it. I am in a good relationship with my brother and I like my SIL very much.

Zombie!

My brother is like this with my children. It was the start of the end of our relationship and I don't really bother with him anymore. I always made an effort with his girlfriends, and friends. I took an interest in his travels, his job, helped him when he had problems etc but looking back he never showed the same interest in my life. I think him pretty much ignoring my children was a step too far and I came to the conclusion he was just selfish and self absorbed. My children are the most important thing in my life, they take up a lot of my time so anyone who never wants to bother with them doesn't really fit in with my life.

We have nieces and nephews and we don’t get involved with them at all. We don’t like children, don’t like being around them, our house is a strictly child free zone

This seems really sad to me. They aren’t random children, they are your family! You wouldn’t say “I don’t like old people, so I’ve gone NC with my DM since she’s retired”, or “I don’t like men, so I refuse to allow my DBiL in the house”. I’m not sure why banning younger members of the family from your house purely on the grounds of their age is any different.

I can completely understand not wanting kids yourself, or not wanting to babysit, but not wanting anything whatsoever to do with your own nieces and nephews seems really odd to me. If you refuse to have anything to do with them you are also de facto refusing to have anything to do with your siblings, and probably opting out of most family occasions like Christmas, Easter and birthdays too. Seems a really strong reaction to have to the mere presence of a child, who is after all a real person with feelings who will notice this kind of treatment.

🧟‍♀️🧟‍♂️ to funny.

I do get how you feel OP but as someone with no interest in small children I think your DSis isn't doing anything wrong either.

Actually, one small point and I think this rankles me because I'm childless (infertility), was you describing her as self-involved. I don't know whether she is or not in RL but I hear that phrase thrown around to talk about childless couples, (usually by parents of children) and it annoys me!

In my experience there is nothing so self-involved sometimes than parents of young children. When my friends have had babies I've been the one everytime to make the extra effort, adapt plans to fit in and be the one to travel, all the heavy-lifting parts of a friendship and more often than not my mum friends are pretty oblivious about it.

Would you expect your sister to love your dog, cat, gerbil? Why are people expected to coo over babies? When my first baby was born it was the first time I had ever held a baby!
Maybe she wants to respect the privacy of your 'little family'!

You know she doesn’t like kids so what’s the issue. Your child, your interest, you are being massively unreasonable.

I don’t have children, I knew I didn’t want them as a young child & I have never changed my mind even though everyone said I would. I am 40 & have been waiting for that urge to have them to kick in but it never happened. I don’t know if I have a gene missing but I can’t help it, I’m just not maternal & I have no interest in babies and children. I feel awkward around them, I don’t know how to talk to them & I worry I say things I shouldn’t & give the wrong advice. I also don’t like them rooting through my bags pulling out tampax out & whatever else is in there. My Sister might find it cute & funny but I don’t. It would have been selfish of me to bring children into the world because I couldn’t have been the Mum they would have deserved. I have 4 Sisters and they each have 2 children, therefore I am an Aunty to 8 nieces & nephews. It’s up to me what kind of an Aunty I want to be & how often I see them. I send nice presents & cards at Christmas & on their birthdays & if they needed financial help or somewhere temporary to stay they know they can come to me. I wish I was interested in my nieces and nephews lives but I just find it boring. All my sisters and my Mum talk to me about is my nieces & nephews, the clubs they’re in, sports days, a rolly polly they did, that they got a gold star at school, that they enjoy playing in the sand pit at nursery, that they’re making a mess & I’m just not interested. I have nothing in common with my family anymore. Their lives revolve around the kids, as it should do & i think they all do an amazing job bringing them up but mine doesn’t & I can’t force feelings that just aren’t there. I work hard & don’t get home until late & I am busy too. I only have the weekend to catch up with friends, do housework & enjoy my hobbies & life gets busy for us all. I prefer to spend my spare time doing things I enjoy rather than spending hours with interrupted conversations, playing dolls with my nieces & nephews with hours of kids tv on in the background. I miss my Sisters, going for a coffee, a few drinks, hanging out without having to watch my potty mouth & without the kids interrupting every five seconds but I admire what great parents they are & I see how hard but rewarding it is being a parent. I just wish they wouldn’t make me feel so bad & selfish for not visiting & being in their lives more. I love them and their children, but I prefer to love them from a distance. I get stressed out with noise, screaming & fingers of crushed up biscuits coming towards me. If living my life the way I want to makes me a bad selfish person then I’m ok with that. I do not expect their children to visit me in my old age or have anything to do with me, I am already planning my retirement to ensure I don’t suddenly find myself completely alone and isolated. I wish everyone would respect everyone else’s life choices and stop taking everything so personal & stop feeling so entitled.

anyone else apart from me sitting here waiting for the OP to come back and say that now the child is 7 the sister/aunt is brilliant?

Or has she turned into Vodka Aunt?

I think we should be told!