To be fed up my sister has shown no interest in being an aunty

[1500mmania]

Hi folks I could do with some mumsnet perspective on this one as it is niggling away at me.

My ds is 11 months now. My sister is not interested in kids, doesn't want them & says herself that she is too selfish to have them etc. I know this but I am still pretty upset that she has shown no real interest in DS.

We live in London and no family close by, my sister lives the closest in Surrey and comes into London approx every fortnight for work but she has never made an attempt to see him/ come across to visit ( we live 4 tube stops from her work). She offered to babysit once but cancelled the next day as she had double booked.

The only time she sees him is when GPs are visiting and then she shows no interest really, holds him for a while and then just chats to GPs and ignores him.

She is my only sister and older than me. I know she's not massively child friendly and a bit self involved but I just thought she would be a tad more interested - is that me just being a mum and wanting people to share in my lovely DS. I know she is busy with a hectic job but she finds time for other people. Maybe she will
be better as he grows up? I can't see it though.

It's really eating away at me now and making me not like my sister very much. Has anyone else experienced similar? Should I say something to her? Or am I ridiculous to think that she was going to change for DS and become a lovely aunty (when I was pregnant there were all these promises of what a wonderful aunty she was going to be!)

Sorry for the long rant!

YABU, because she has already expressed how kids don't interest her. I am sure your ds is adorable and lovable.

Your DS may be lovely to you. He isn't to everyone else though, especially not people who don't really like children in the first place.

Some people just don't lie babies. Let's face it they don't do much. You can't buy them toys to play with, there are limmited baby clothes, they don't talk, they smell (I know lots of people love baby smell, not everyone does).

Trust me she will get more interested as your dc gets more interesting to her.

My brother, who I am not estranged from and with whom there is no family feud has not seen DS2 ever (15mths) not even new baby visit. Saw DS1 on his first BD (purported new baby visit) and never again since (DS1 not far off 3). Basically he is bloody selfish. Extended family is so important, sure don't be interested in babies, but don't disappear off your immediate family member's radar entirely.

One of my mates truly dislikes kids. I emphasis because I really don't want to say 'she hates kids.' She avoids them at all costs and they make her extremely uncomfortable. Her parents begged her to go to her nephew's first birthday (very close with sister, sister always understood she doesn't like kids) she ended up going because sister applied serious guilt tactics (if dead sibling was alive, he'd want to be at his nephews first birthday...) Friend was very uncomfortable as it was a children's party. She politely said no when her sister asked her to hold the baby and her sister WENT OFF. As in, 'fuck you, you selfish cunt you're just jealous of my life and you're such a fucking bitch I never want to see you again you just hate babies because they remind you of all the guys you fuck you slut.' I cleaned that up too!!
It went on, the sister accused friend of being cruel by not holding the child and said she really hopes she's infertile (not that it matters, she's not having kids but the sentiment is bloody harsh) The father ushered friend out pretty quickly, sister has since apologised but now they have a stiff 'for our parents' relationship. It's sad because they were so close.

I wonder if the sister had stewed and stewed for awhile whilst pretending everything was okay? I CERTAINLY don't think you would EVER treat your sister like this but I mean, it's likely a matter of to what extent she dislikes children. My friend is pretty extreme, she simply will never, ever like children. Where does your sister fall?

My DC are teenagers now and my brother has just has his little children! He too wasn't that bothered with children, but did send cards and presses etc! Fast forward to now and after me babysitting several times recently for him , he and GF have said if they had realised how much hard work children were they would have offered,helped out more! But his lack of contact never othered me, I loved looking after my own children but didn't expect anyone else to go Gaga over my babies!

Maybe once he grows up and gets a bit more interesting (sorry!) she will be more involved. Some people just don't really like babies, I don't really have any interest in them (obviously excluding my own).

My dd has a lot of aunties and uncles, some of them have been in love with her from day one and some of them just held her at arms length with a "WTF and I suppost to do with this" look on their faces Now she is 2 and can play/talk they enjoy coming to see her and spending time with her.

I don't think it is something you can force. It is your sister who gets to decide on the relationship that she has with her nephew, not you. I would try not so push it because you will just annoy her.

You chose to be a mum. Your sister had no choice in becoming an aunt.

It's like someone self-building a house. It takes up their entire life for a while, it's all they talk about. It's exhausting. But not everyone wants to know about every stage of its development. They want to go and have a look, tell the owners how lovely it is, and then get on with their lives.

I have an Aunt (by marriage) who simply doesn't do children. She has no concept of what to do with or say to a young child.

It's not a flaw or a fault or a problem, it's her personality. I have a good relationship with her now, and have done since i was about 12 and old enough to start holding conversations at an adult level. She's looking forward to meeting my first child in December, but more from a "Ah, cute, baby" point of view - messy toddlers horrify her and i don't expect to visit her house anytime in the next decade or so.

She's fantastic in so many other ways, kind, interesting, generous, fun; she's just not interested in kids. And from my point of view as the dn, it's completely normal.

Well, I am an aunt (and TTC) and I adore my little nieces and nephews to be honest, but your sister is obviously different. Don't force the issue - maybe a relationship will develop naturally. I really disliked one of my aunties as a child. Now as an adult we get on very well indeed.

Sorry, but your kid just doesn't interest your sister at the moment. 11 month olds are pretty boring. People that do nothing but talk about their kids all the time (not saying you ARE like this) are also often boring, especially to those that don't have kids. Like other posters have said, she might become more interested once he gets a bit older.

Mumsyblouse , thanks for your really helpful perspective
on my comment. I'm quite sure I'll be completely absorbed by my baby when he arrives; however perhaps because I've been on the other side of it I'm going to try my hardest not to cut out other parts of my life that have meant a lot to me to date and try to be understanding of how my baby fits into other people's lives, as I think that's a good quality for motherhood generally. I certainly think that if a friend reported a miscarriage, I'd manage to refrain from insisting that my baby had to remain the only topic of conversation!

OP - looks to me like you're taking everyone's comments in good grace which in my view gives great hope for your relationship with your sister being able to develop positively.

I agree with what most posters have said. Some people just aren't interested in children, especially other people's children.

It sounds like she does visit and see him, she has held him, her only fault is to also want to chat to her parents instead of cooing over your baby all the time she's there?

I don't understand what you expect her to do tbh.

You also have to understand, and this is quite sad, that the Uk is not in general a baby-loving or child-loving culture. People think it's fine to dislike children/babies, often (because we all sprog fairly late) have little experience with them, and some people also get their identity through not having children as much as having them (I have friends who love declaring 'I hate kids').

This is not the case in some other cultures in which children and babies are much more integrated into everyday family life. If people in my husband's family (Eastern European) said 'I hate kids' everyone would think there was something wrong with them- it's like saying 'I hate adults' or 'I hate old people' (if you've seen that thread), it doesn't even make sense as to them, babies and children are part of a family and not some separate breed of existence that you have to have some type of personal preference to like. Also, men over there interact a lot with children, if you turn up at a party and there's a guy there, they will get down, play with them, throw them about, even those who don't have children themselves. People chat much more to children and therefore aren't scared of them or say things like 'I don't know what to do with them'.

Disliking all children (except your own) seems to be a cultural phase, it's very odd given that the majority do have children but try not to take it too personally.

Mummyblouse -

I'm one of those who generally doesn't "like" other peoples children. I use quotation marks because I think the sentence is incorrectly used. I don't hate children, its nothing personal against any child, I just don't find most small children enjoyable.

Newborn babies I usually love. I have only one rule for new mums - do not invite your friends over under false pretences. It is annoying and will probably result in your friends not coming round anymore. My biggest hate is being invited somewhere for a glass of wine and ending up playing babysitter.

If a friend wants me to mind their baby, all they have to do is ask. No matter the reason. Have a bath, an hours kip, do your hair, stand on your head singing the wheels on the bus if they really want to, I don't care and will almost never say no. But do not let me get dressed nicely expecting wine, and then dump a sicky, pooey baby on my lap.

Toddlers and young children though.. I'm not keen on most for a variety of reasons - behaviour I find unacceptable, annoying traits, overly touchy (I don't like anyone touching me, not just children). These traits alone I could cope with but the parents icy stare when I do not encourage whatever ridiculous behaviour their child is displaying, or I do not spend the visit ooohing and ahhhing, and I am not fawning over their child tips it over the edge.

I don't think its weird, or sad, to not enjoy certain aspects of children. You have to remember in oher countries, parenting styles are different, and childrens behaviour is vastly different than typically seen here too.

What everyone else thinks. I had no interest in children whatsoever until I had them. The fact my sister had a daughter (a year older than my eldest) meant nothing to me at all. It wouldnt have occurred to me to visit the baby. I wouldnt take it to heart so much. You can't force her to be involved.

I havent read all the responses so sorry if someone has already covered this, but how has your relationship changed with your sister? Was she round all the time before or has your visits remained around the same? Do you talk as frequently as you used to? Were you expecting her to come round more now your DS is here?

OP but your sister would have to fake the interest wouldn't she; you know she just isn't into children so it's not personal.

I've only ever been interested in my own, I occasionally feign interest in friends kids out of politeness but that's only because I feel guilty about them fawning over mine. It wouldn't have occurred to me to bother faking it before I had one.

It's not your child that bores her, it's all children, she'll probably be a great aunty when he hits the teens or adulthood and suddenly becomes an interesting person to her.

I used to work in Eastern Europe- and when I was travelling on a train one day an old lady said to me 'Do you have children?'.; I said 'No' and she said 'Ah that is why your husband lets you travel on your own'

One of my friends there has had seven abortions, and she's not that unusual. Like here, it can seem a baby orientated society but if you talk to other women- it's a bit more complex than that.

My sister is completely self involved. She was okay with me (not close but civil) till i got pregnant and apart from a nasty text when she found out i was pregnant i have not heard from her since.

She has children but i think she is angry as she thinks my dc will detract from her dc. Also, despite being desperate for kids her whole life and having extensive ivf to have hers, she is totally indifferent to others children even before hers were born. In fact she is indifferent if not hostile to everything which isn't about her. She's a bag of cocks!

Anyway, sorry OP it is a pain, but sadly it does happen :(

Spuddybean - I feel you. Mine is a self involved bag of cocks too. You really can't choose your family!

OP my uncle was utterly uninterested in us as little kids - didn't even send birthday cards till we were 3 or 4.

He was a fantastic uncle as we got older, gave us a very different perspective from our parents, offered money for school activities, took me to the ballet etc.

It's a long game. Don't write her off yet.

Sorry, YABU. Not everyone does kids.
I got sick of parents (usually mums) bringing in hordes of baby photos. I mean, one or two, to be polite - but 20?

When DS was born I was off for a few days and went back into the office. I was told bring some photos in tomorrow. I duly did. So, who was to know they didn't want 20 photos of the rabbits...

I loved seeing someone's baby in the office. Once. I took DS in for 20 minutes and didn't inflict him on anyone else again. [And my DS was, of course, the brightest, most intelligent yada yada - like everyone's DS or DD]

Kids are special to their parents; occasionally GP. Anyone else? It's a bonus.

When I got with my fiance my sister flat out said in jealousy. If you ever marry that man or have kids I want nothing to do with it. And she wont. As I'll make sure of it. I wouldn't want her negativity and darkness around any child of mine. Maybe its better ott this way rather then getting involved and showing that she begrudge it.