to want some more parenting respect from my ILs? It's ruined first day of school

[SundaeGirl]

DH works from home, as do I. I'm off back to nearly full-time work in a few weeks. We've made the decision that DCs can be collected and looked after by DH after school. I'm from a tiny family who live in a different country, both parents dead. DH's family is massive and mainly lives close by.

The problem is they seem to think DH parents by himself, with a little help from me. He's the 'parenty' one, I'm - dunno - the ambitious one? The work one? Whatever, I don't count as a full mum. They say such hurtful, rude things that sideline me.

Today they came over and DH gave them the run down of DSs first day at school. I said something about dropping him off and MIL said, 'Oh, did you go too?' She genuinely thought I wouldn't have gone to see my son into his first day at school.

AIBU? Should I write to her? DH won't discuss it with me.

It's ruined first day of school

Bit of an over reaction there.

Ruined would be PFB having his head flushed down the toilet. A passing IL comments does not ruin your childs day

That's all she said? She probably just assumed your DH would take him because he's going to do it when you go back to work.

I think you may be over reacting...

I didn't take my son for his first day at school, the childminder did as I'm a single parent who had her own new class to teach. Don't get upset.

What did you say to her?

I think this might be the last of a long line of 'drip-drip' incidents...am I right OP? So if it is one of a list of things, YANBU about the entire situation, rather than this one incident.

You are overreacting.

RedHelenB, I wonder if I was your childminder who took your son to school on his first day .

OP, YABU!

"Write to her" ?

Oh My Goodness. With all the kindness in the world, you need to grow a thicker skin. She probably just meant it in a were you able to get time off work way.

I didn't take either of mine to their first day of school. I don't think it makes me any less of a parent.

(like RedHelen, teachers can't easily take time off for these things!)

Oh, sorry. I am not at work. She thought I would have stayed at home rather than go to see him off.

Yes, long, long list of drip drip incidents. They just don't see me as a full parent.

(Oh and please don't get upset, parents who couldn't take your child to school. Presumably you weren't just, y'know finishing off your breakfast and off to walk the dog as this implied of me.)

I think that in this case you are over-reacting. She thought school runs were settled as something DH was doing, hence surprised you went. First day at school isn't a big deal for many people, so wouldn't be expected as a noteworthy occasion.

You have my sympathies. Had I flipped out and stabbed my evil witch of soon to be ex mil, people would have said, "But she only did/said X". But it would be the straw that broke the camel's back after 20 yrs of such incidents. No useful advice sorry, my mil never took on board that she might have been in the wrong...

Well if you were over-reacting, it's understandable. First day of school is emotional, and if other stuff has been said you are bound to be riled on this of all days.

But don't write to them

why do you need their approval of your decisions?

OK, AIBU over this.

I do get upset at how much they cut me out, though. DS said the other day 'yes, we could do a big picture of our family and Mummy could do one of hers'. I feel excluded because the culture is just so their family.

The comments aren't even spiteful, more a genuine, 'Oh you're part of these children's lives as well?' type. SIL is single mother and I think that's how they sort of view parenting. (Ex-BiL cited the family mafia as one of the reasons he left. So did SIL's boyfriend after him...)

From what you've told us in the OP, YABU and totally over-reacting.
Presumably though you already don't like her, and take everything she says in a way as if it's a personal insult. In which case, it's different.
Write to her ???!!! You see her regularly. If you want to have something out with her, bring it up in conversation.

happy avocado - why do you need approval of their decisions?

I don't. But they don't disapprove of my decisions anyway. To them DH would be the obvious choice of appropriate parent. I'm just hurt that it's not immediately obvious how central I am to my DCs worlds. I cannot imagine asking anyone else that - work/sick other child withstanding.

I understand what you are saying OP. And I'd be frustrated/hurt

Presumably though you already don't like her, and take everything she says in a way as if it's a personal insult.

No, it's worse than that. I do like her and I definitely don't think she was trying to insult me. I think she just doesn't think I'm up for being a parent. Truly, I think she doesn't really see the DCs as anything like as involved with me as DH. I suppose I wonder if anyone else views it like that. DH is a 'loud parenting' type.

If it helps - they probably label (in their heads, but it always leaks out) people from within their family just as much as they do you.

My ex came from a mafia-esque family too, if you weren't born into it then you'd alwyas be an outsider no matter what you did so I totally sympathise with you and I'd say YANBU

I don't think you should write to her, it'd cause all sorts of problems but you should definitely start standing up for yourself, I'm sure there are a hundred times you've thought of something you wish you'd said at the time so you should start saying them.

My FIl actually said to me once, when DS1 was a baby, that he was surprised how good I was with him, because he hadn't seen me as "the maternal type". I thought it was tactless, and funny because of that, but it is a hurtful thing to think about a mother

That's exactly it! I AM the maternal type! I just take a back seat when we're with them so DH can demo his Fab Daddyness. It all grew out of the hurt they were in when SIL was abandonned by BIL when her DC were 17 months and three weeks old.

They are the stereotyping sort.