to want some more parenting respect from my ILs? It's ruined first day of school

[SundaeGirl]

DH works from home, as do I. I'm off back to nearly full-time work in a few weeks. We've made the decision that DCs can be collected and looked after by DH after school. I'm from a tiny family who live in a different country, both parents dead. DH's family is massive and mainly lives close by.

The problem is they seem to think DH parents by himself, with a little help from me. He's the 'parenty' one, I'm - dunno - the ambitious one? The work one? Whatever, I don't count as a full mum. They say such hurtful, rude things that sideline me.

Today they came over and DH gave them the run down of DSs first day at school. I said something about dropping him off and MIL said, 'Oh, did you go too?' She genuinely thought I wouldn't have gone to see my son into his first day at school.

AIBU? Should I write to her? DH won't discuss it with me.

"Just be a teensy bit thankful for having loving and supporting GPs. Some of us would give our eye-teeth for that."

Comments like this really piss me off. Completely unhelpful, and doesn't help the OP with the fact her PIL don't seem to respect her as a parent.

I think you probably are over-reacting over this, but I can see that it's more that it is just one more little thing in a long line of (probably) little things that all come together to form one much bigger picture.

Just ignore her. DS is your son and you are his parent. Lots of families have a situation where one works more than the other. That doesn't make the working more parent less of a parent.

What about families where both parents work long hours? Does that child have no parents? Or two half parents? Of course not.

Don't write to her. People rarely respond well to that and you don't want it to become gossip fodder for the family. Just ignore her.

Agree with Never - can you big yourself up more?

Can you do a bit more of the "glory" parenting - get DH to go off and do something for him at the weekend (you'll get Brownie points there) and then you bring the DC's swimming/to the zoo/a theme park and make sure you tell PiL's all about it, show them the pictures so they realise DH wasn't actually there? (not in a martyr like way obv, just "look what a nice day we had" "oh where was DH" "he was off at the footie with Mike")

A bit devious but it will give you back some of the control over how you are perceived?

Also perhaps correct DH in front of them (not in a narky way) if he hugely misleads them at any stage about who did what?

I've seen actual surprise in my parent's faces sometimes when I mention something I did with DD (a trip into town to an art gallery for example) as it was so different to the way they parented and they didn't expect me to be doing things like that. When I realised this I started to mention stuff more to them.

I think it's like work sometimes, you are toddling along doing a great job but you have to let your manager KNOW the good stuff you are doing, otherwise it gets overlooked.

I think it's like work sometimes, you are toddling along doing a great job but you have to let your manager KNOW the good stuff you are doing, otherwise it gets overlooked.

That is a very good point!!

I agree quietly.

Big Families, "close" families can feel a little oppressive. It feels like OPs family has been swallowed. The only way to re-assert that is between her and her DH

I mean reassert the importance of her own family

Thanks everyone, so much is true in your posts.

The big family thing is so relevant, the stereotypes and the need to compare and pigeonhole. Also, they are a known family - as in 'Oh are you related to the Smiths of Village, well, I work with X/shoot with Y/play tennis with Z - God, great family to be related too!'

I really like both of my PIL, otherwise I wouldn't care what they thought.

Op, I do understand this. You need to get some self preservation going here. When you are with the IL's, you need to STOP taking a back seat. Take control, do things, be active. If your DH refuses to correct the wrong impression they have, then you need to do it by SHOWING them.

This sort of thing is crap. My ILs can be very judgmental about DILs who don't live up to certain standards, and there have been a few rough patches in our relationship as a result. But I WILL NOT let DH allow a wrong impression of what I do or don't do to be out there to them, or to the wider world.

When his DPs stay with us (usually for about 3 - 4 weeks as they live abroad) he manages to get home early almost every day, makes drinks for everyone, loiters, chats, etc. I make sure it's understood by ALL that this is NOT the usual routine.

One of DH's classics is that when we are around people he will do the Daddy things, and so I do make the comment that it's so lovely to be able to stand back for once and not be responsible for everything - some people we only saw on weekends were beginning to think this sort of thing too! (Numpties!)

On the rare occasions we have a dinner party on a Saturday he will slave away making some extravagant meal, receiving loads of complements and I get the 'aren't you lucky having a DH who cooks'. I give a completely honest answer of 'yes, it's nice when he has the OCCASIONAL chance to cook, he's quite good at it, his DM made sure all her sons knew how to cook'. (And I do often make the cake for dessert anyway!)

Those wrong impressions really grate on me. I don't mind him getting recognition for what he does, but let's not pretend he does everything!!!!

Oh and if you get ANOTHER Mother's day card addressed to both of you, I suggest you do the same back to them with an innocent 'Oh, I thought that was the done thing, isn't it?'