to want some more parenting respect from my ILs? It's ruined first day of school

[SundaeGirl]

DH works from home, as do I. I'm off back to nearly full-time work in a few weeks. We've made the decision that DCs can be collected and looked after by DH after school. I'm from a tiny family who live in a different country, both parents dead. DH's family is massive and mainly lives close by.

The problem is they seem to think DH parents by himself, with a little help from me. He's the 'parenty' one, I'm - dunno - the ambitious one? The work one? Whatever, I don't count as a full mum. They say such hurtful, rude things that sideline me.

Today they came over and DH gave them the run down of DSs first day at school. I said something about dropping him off and MIL said, 'Oh, did you go too?' She genuinely thought I wouldn't have gone to see my son into his first day at school.

AIBU? Should I write to her? DH won't discuss it with me.

Worra - yeah, in this case it was because DH was explaining about the first day. However, it is always DH doing the talking. This is fair as he is their son but it has skewed things.

The housework and cooking is the stuff I do, and cutting nails, organinsing dentist appointments. Just not the glory stuff that gets retold.

SundaeGirl, my mum is dead too. I think that when you don't have your own parents too, to feel like someone is on your side, or to bring a bit of balance to the situation, it can make any difficulties with inlaws seem even worse.

Maybe that was why she thought you didn't go then?

However, it is always DH doing the talking. This is fair as he is their son but it has skewed things

That doesn't stop me and my MIL chewing the ear off each other

GPs are not on DIL's side? Whose side are they on?

Sundae, I feel for you. I don't htink UABU, but maybe aiming it at the wrong person.

My MIL was a sahm, and I think she doesn't understand that I have to work to afford a child! DH also works, but his parents are quite well off, so don't fully understand that I won't be taking months and months off after kidlet is born. I think many people (especially older folks) think that parents EITHER work OR parent. they don't often (even with single parents) assume you can actually do BOTH.

And in your situation, where the both of you are availble to parent, it makes sense that you are taking turns, and sharing the load. Let your MIL know that. It sounds like your MIL is being mislead by DH to thinking you don't do as much, when it's not true. Why not talk to her about the stuff you do for the kids, get her opinion on nail clipping, share some stories.

Maybe you need to crow about yourself a little louder, don't let DH have the spotlight so much.
Don't let your DH rain on your parade.

sundae, but you do have loving gp's for your ds, they are on you dh's side

maybe if your parents are dead you could try to forge better relationships with inlaws? hard to know if they are saying intentionally hurtful things, or if you are projecting working mother guilt.

Claire, I am sure you know what I mean. I like my MIL, but when she does/says something that irritates or upsets me, such as disapproving of me still BFing, favouring one DC over the other, not thinking that what I do is a 'proper job' for example, I can't help thinking my own mum wouldn't have done that. And that if she was here it would make all those normal, everyday petty issues with the inlaws easier to deal with as at least when my own mum was around she would understand me and my way of parenting a bit more.

Just saying I can see why the OP would find this hard.

I think that it is an unfortunate instinct in a lot of DILs to take offence at anything their PILs do. I know I was like this in the early years. I thought I was being judged or tested? But I was wrong.

There can be challenges because of generational differences, and that is not really their fault. There could be just always wanting the best for their DS and DGCs. Maternal GPs will be the same.

Is there really a competition for familial pride over a child's first day at school? Can't all those who want to be proud get to be as proud as they want? Is pride rationed?

Personally, I never really got excited about first days of school (worked through 3 of them, and reluctantly took a camera to the other two because it was expected). First day of school is simply a day on the calendar that you can take no credit for nor have any control over.

You sound like a lovely person op but I think Yabu. Of course your inlaws think the sun shines out of your husband's arse, he's their golden boy. So what?

I think you could apply CBT here and follow each thought to its logical conclusion. How bad is it, really, if your MIL doesn't know what you do behind the scenes?

My MIL is v traditional and I'm pretty sure she thinks I'm from another planet as a mother and as a partner, but she's v polite and is always lovely to me. I couldn't care less if she thinks I'm lazy or whatever. Her generation are so different to mine.

SundaeGirl, my mum is dead too. I think that when you don't have your own parents too, to feel like someone is on your side, or to bring a bit of balance to the situation, it can make any difficulties with inlaws seem even worse.

I can relate to that. For me its made things so unbalanced. Partly because my inlaws don't do the things for my children that they do for their others sons children. Its made all the more obvious because their is no one on my side to balance it out or to help us when we need it etc.

Sorry bit off track.

Agree that calling the op a narc for being bothered about this is . . . don't even know what the word is!

Op. I feel sad for you as i can imagine how you feel.

I do think you should make sure your husband isn't taking credit for everything. You say he likes to do the loud parenting in front of them, but if he's doing that to such an extreme that they think you are hardly involved in your own child's life they think he should give it a rest.

Why do you think he does it? Insecurity? To show off? Is he trying to make you look bad?

Claire, please don't be so patronising. This is not some cardboard cut-out MIL issue.

For the last few years, I have received mother's day cards from them addressed to me AND DH. That's right, Mother's Day. I am not making this up, being touchy or whatever. I don't even think they mean it bitchily.

I don't think DH is trying to make me look bad. More just trying to define his parenting as different from Ex-BIL's. Plus, because SIL Is on her own, he wants to show he's doing a good job too, these DC are just great, etc.

Just a thought but outside of the IL issue have you ever discussed with your dh how it can be hard to have no one praising/supporting/generally been on your side through all the stuff that most people presume their parents will be there for?

It's tough to live without that unconditional love when you're finding your feet in new parts of life, just knowing it's there iykwim..... Anyway I did talk this through with my dp once - I've struggled with the perfect son/brother syndrome, as much as I understand it's natural and lovely for him, it's not a fair fight, there's no one telling him to be perfect for me - and have found that he does at certain times seem to make sure he gives me that reassurance I'll get no where else.

It was a conversation that I very intentionally did not allude to his family or my irritation with them, but has definitely made him see things in a slightly different context.

And also don't write to anyone. IMHO this is an issue that first and foremost needs to be sorted out within your own family. Once your little unit is making you feel more secure the less likely mil will bother you.

I really disagree with the narcissist accusation.

I think that's good advice Iamsparklyknickers

I also agree with Morris

The Mother's Day card thing is just, well, strange. IMO. I would (and call me a narc here, if you like) perceive it as saying "there is nothing special about your role"

Unless they send Fathers' Day cards to him and you as well.....

Your issue should be with your DH. He is the one who can say to your ILs 'actually Sundae did XYZ it wasn't me', or make any number of small comments and gestures to indicate to them that you are a team.
And he should tell them to leave his name off the Mother's Day Card, although I don't really understand why they are sending one to you - you aren't their Mum!

Where has your DS got the idea that you aren't part of his family from? That sounds a weird thing, and does make me question your DH's motives a little when you take it alongside him getting angry with you when you tried to discuss this.

The mothers day card thing is bound to hurt you. Are they really that thoughtless / stupid?

Hmm. Are you sure they aren't trying to actively dig at you? :(

And yes, your DS talking about his family and yours, how has he got that idea in his head? That you are separate? Something is wrong here. No wonder you are upset.

YANBU Op,I too would be very hurt that they are insinuating you would rather walk the dog/sit in the house than accompany your dc on their first day.theres probably no point in saying anything to them,as another poster has suggested they have probably already labelled you as "career woman" and the only way to really change that is by demonstrating your hands-onsness with your dc! You shouldn't have to but it might help if you make a big show of it for a while.its not fair and I'm sure you are a great mum.

oh op I sypathise with you,
I am a sahm, but in MiL,s eyes DH is bringing up the kids, on his own.
I have now taken more control, I am grateful for their help and love and delighted that they have a great relationship witht the kids but for this to continue, they need to have a good relationship with me as well.
instead of sitting back and letting dh get all the credit, I make sure that if we go for a walk together, I walk with MiL and wax lyrical about all the lovely things DS,s and I have done together with or without daddy.

I carefully select special treats for her and send them from me. Basically I have worked reallynhard over the last 12 years to,let her get to know ME the person, not the wife or mother.. I haven,t quite forgiven her for telling me on the day we announced our engagement that she wished DH was marrying his ex girlfirend, cos she really,liked her!! But we have more of an understanding with each other.

I guess what I am saying is youncan,t rely on your dh to do this, if you want to sort it out then talk to her.. doesnt have to be about this, just chat about the kids, your life as a family,

good luck to you... and btw.. i think mn is the type of forum where you should be able to start threads like this.. MeMeMe is ok!!!!