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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want some more parenting respect from my ILs? It's ruined first day of school

85 replies

SundaeGirl · 22/08/2012 19:06

DH works from home, as do I. I'm off back to nearly full-time work in a few weeks. We've made the decision that DCs can be collected and looked after by DH after school. I'm from a tiny family who live in a different country, both parents dead. DH's family is massive and mainly lives close by.

The problem is they seem to think DH parents by himself, with a little help from me. He's the 'parenty' one, I'm - dunno - the ambitious one? The work one? Whatever, I don't count as a full mum. They say such hurtful, rude things that sideline me.

Today they came over and DH gave them the run down of DSs first day at school. I said something about dropping him off and MIL said, 'Oh, did you go too?' She genuinely thought I wouldn't have gone to see my son into his first day at school.

AIBU? Should I write to her? DH won't discuss it with me.

OP posts:
JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 22/08/2012 19:50

It's really hard. Do you get all bitter and try and prove yourself, or let them carry on with their presumption! I don't know. All you can do is be yourself and answer back sometimes.

Maybe your DH feels he has to prove himself, hence the Fab Daddyness.....

CockyPants · 22/08/2012 19:51

Simple. Tell them to fuck off. And teach DCto tell them to fuck off too.

Original poster
SundaeGirl · 22/08/2012 19:55

I don't get bitter (though I am a bit sad my parents aren't here to big me up or say I've done a good job or whatever). In some ways I've colluded with it because DH's identity seems to thrive on it and the DCs get the benefit.

But it does all seem at my expense. I am careerish, too, and DH just isn't. But I'm still their mum!

OP posts:
JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 22/08/2012 19:56

Aaaah, if only ..... Grin

JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 22/08/2012 19:58

OP - i meant I get bitter Grin

What you say about not being bigged up is interesting. I think most of us need that as a parent. But I suppose you do have to just validate yourself. I don't suppose this is something you can talk to your DH about?

JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 22/08/2012 19:59

This career thing is interesting. The idea that it is antithetical to being a good mother.

Original poster
SundaeGirl · 22/08/2012 20:00

Dogsmom - so many times I've thought of things to say. I think the reason I don't summon up the responses at the time is I'm so, sort of, beaten by it. It's really just accepted: 'Sundae loves her DCs, of course, but Daddy is the Parent'.

OP posts:
JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 22/08/2012 20:00

I meant that's the message you are getting from somewhere (society, probably)

Original poster
SundaeGirl · 22/08/2012 20:00

I have tried to talk to DH. He absolutely will not do anything about it. And he flipped this evening when I tried to talk to him.

OP posts:
OxfordBags · 22/08/2012 20:31

It's intersting that he flipped, OP. Sounds like he basks in this delusion of him as 'top' parent, the most loved, the better, more involved parent. Obviously it's nice for him to feel like he's seen as a wonderful father, but it's not good for your relationship that he gets angry if you naturally want the lie to be addressed. Are you sure that he might not be fuelling this with his mother somehow? I don't necessarily mean deliberately lying to give her the false impression, but bigging himself up and playing down your role when talking to her, on order to get more of the 'best parent'-style praise. If he's not that ambitious and he sees being a father as his major source of status, it's in his interest for this bullshit to continue.

Whatever the reasons, you need to say something. Next time she starts, could you say something along the lines of, "MIL, why do you say things like that? Do you honestly think that I am not as involved with my childrens lives as DH is?! Just because he does a lot of good stuff doesn't mean he does more or better than me. It's really unfair and upsetting that you continually suggest that I love my kids less and do less for them and it's not good for them to overhear such things either. If you keep running me down in front of them, one day they will really take against you, you know... ".

otchayaniye · 22/08/2012 20:44

only a narcissist would really be bothered by their image as a parent in the eyes of others rather than just getting on and doing the job of parenting ... so on that basis YABU

none of this is, or should be, about you.

Original poster
SundaeGirl · 22/08/2012 20:54

Who should this be about? It's my thread, started by me, about someone else's attitude to me and how that makes me feel. Sure, it's all me, me , me but I can't see who else it could be about!

OP posts:
Original poster
SundaeGirl · 22/08/2012 20:57

Oxford, I think I might say something. I often want to but then I have a cry, calm down, remember how useful involved they are with the DC and leave it until the next time.

And, yes, DH gives me zero credit in front of them. None. Just not in his nature. My ideas become 'we had the idea' and everything else is him.

OP posts:
otchayaniye · 22/08/2012 21:00

no, and typical narcissist defence. i mean parenting isn't about you -- parenting is about 'doing'. doing things that benefit your children, serving the next generation. not how it serves your image of yourself as a parent. try and describe yourself in this regard without using the word 'am'.

to be fair, we're all guilty to some degree. but to really care (to the point of rowing) what others think of you as a 'mum' is a narcissist trap.

however, if they are disparaging you to the children then that makes them terrible people.

Original poster
SundaeGirl · 22/08/2012 21:09

Sorry, that's ridiculous. If I know you and say, 'you're really falling down as a mother there' then you'd likely be upset (assuming you knew me and valued me). That would be quite a natural reaction. That's not narcissistic, it's involved with the people around you and caring to greater or lesser extent about what they think. In fact, the opposite of narcissistic.

OP posts:
ClaireRacing · 22/08/2012 21:10

It's best not to invest too much emotionally into situations you can't control.

ssd · 22/08/2012 21:11

TBH it sounds like you dh is more of a problem than the in laws

he doesnt seem to back you up or big you up either

I think you need to ty to chat with him about this, its obviously upsetting you and this should upset him

Original poster
SundaeGirl · 22/08/2012 21:11

Claire, does that mean I need to give up? You might be right but, honestly, it doesn't feel great.

OP posts:
DozyDuck · 22/08/2012 21:13

I parent DS full time by myself. His Dad took him for his first day of school. I was at work Sad

Ignore them

WorraLiberty · 22/08/2012 21:14

Do you think perhaps it was just because your DH was the one explaining about the first day at school?

She might have presumed you weren't there because you didn't add to the conversation/nod along perhaps?

Northernlurkerisonholiday · 22/08/2012 21:14

If your child has just started school then you've a lot of years as a working parent ahead of you. Sometimes people are going to say cruel and inaccurate things and you will need to push back. This is not one of those times.
YOu can't be seen as a sahp if you aren't a sahp. You and dh are parenting as suits you and THAT should be your only yardstick.

ClaireRacing · 22/08/2012 21:14

No, it means you shouldn't make 2+2=5.

Just be a teensy bit thankful for having loving and supporting GPs. Some of us would give our eye-teeth for that.

coldcupoftea · 22/08/2012 21:16

"only a narcissist would be bothered about their image as a parent in the eyes of others..."

COMPLETELY disagree with this! Of course everyone worries about how they are seen by others as a parent- as most threads on MN will demonstrate!

OP I sympathise. I have never been the housewifely type, while MIL is uber-mum. DH has inherited her OCD tendencies tidy genes and is much better at cleaning etc than me. However I do end up doing most of the housework and cooking as I am at home more. But whenever the inlaws are here DH nearly always cooks, they are all forever running round with a dishcloth and I feel a compelling urge to just tell them 'I do this stuff too you know!'

Original poster
SundaeGirl · 22/08/2012 21:17

Claire, my parents are both dead. I know about giving an eyetooth for loving grandparents.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 22/08/2012 21:17

I agree with ssd

It sounds as though your problem is with your husband rather than with his family. It needs to be discussed and he shouldn't stop that from happening.

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