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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be a pissed off with comments from 'friends'?

81 replies

SzechuanPalace · 21/08/2012 13:16

I don't want this to sound like a stealth boast, it isn't. I've lost a lot of weight (approx 5 stone) in the last 20 months or so and I'm proud of it. I feel like it has been hard work but very worth it and I'm happy with myself.

Apologies in advance, its long!

I went out this morning with friends, I haven't seen them in 3 months or so because we moved away so don't see them as often anymore. When I started dieting they were very interested and would ask me about it, asking how it works (slimming world) and that they still have some baby weight that they want to shift and maybe they'd try it. So, at first they were really positive about it.

I made it a rule a long time ago that I only discuss my diet if I'm asked, its one f those topics that bores other people so I try not to bring it up. But, when we are in a restaurant all together and I'm asking to have the dressing on the side or whatever, it always does seem to come up.

When I got down to a size 12 they started saying things like 'ooo, you don't want to lose any more', despite the fact that I wasn't even in the healthy range of the BMI scale yet. I just said that I hadn't set my target yet and would be discussing it wit my SW rep to decided where my healthy range should be. I felt a little annoyed that they brought up the topic (I didn't) just to be a bit negative, but tried to just brush it off.

So, I saw them again this morning for brunch and the first thing they said was 'omg, you need to eat more, look at you, you've lost too much, you look so gaunt, what does your DH think, you've gone too far'. You get the general idea.

I didn't want their opinions, I didn't bring it up. I am not 'too thin', I'm 9 1/2 stone, BMI of 22.15 on the NHS BMI Calculator which is right in the middle of the healthy range.

I ended up leaving the brunch a little early because I felt like I was being attacked by them. Every time the conversation changed to another topic, one of them in particular brought it back to my weight, every time.

AIBU to feel pissed off?? Why, if they had to say something, couldn't they just say well done? Or just shut up and enjoy a rare catch up.
AIBU?

OP posts:
yellowraincoat · 21/08/2012 13:19

I suppose it depends. Are they actually concerned? Or are they just jealous and not wanting their friend to change?

I know it can be annoying because (stealth boast) I am a size 6/8 and sometimes people tell me I am too thin, even though I definitely am not.

LackingNameChangeInspiration · 21/08/2012 13:19

often people keep going when dieting, I have a friend who has gone to far and I've told her, what do you think their motives are if they supported you in loosing when you were over weight? they sound like genuine friends

I don't know what height you are but bellow 9.5 for me is too thin, yes friends told me, I sort of knew but also was a bit addicted to the buzz of loosing every week

WorraLiberty · 21/08/2012 13:22

They are rude to give their unsolicited opinions to you.

But I think it can be difficult to look objectively at someone you've always known to look a certain way, and then they change drastically.

Perhaps as they haven't seen you for a while, it's a 'shock' to them and that's why they maybe see your weight loss differently?

I strongly suspect complete strangers would have a different and more positive view of you....as they are using their eyes and not their memory.

This makes sense to me but reading it back...not so much! Blush

Congratulations on your weight loss, that's brilliant.

greenhill · 21/08/2012 13:23

Well done, you should now have a longer, healthier and happier life because of the positive steps you have taken.
They however will still be bitchy cows, affecting false concern for your well being.

Ignore them, or even better, once you are at your ideal weight enjoy a large piece of cake in their company, then say how marvellous it is to not have to watch your weight any more as it is just staying off all by itself...

EmmaBemma · 21/08/2012 13:24

This is something you'll probably have to put up with indefinitely, I'm afraid - whatever weight you are. I have found that people pass uninvited comment on my weight and appearance regardless of whether I've been big or slim. People just do, and well-meaning friends are no exception.

Magicmayhem · 21/08/2012 13:25

first well done for losing so much weight. you don't say how tall you are, but I wonder if you need to loose any more. I think we look in the mirror every day and don't really see what others see... has anyone else mentioned your looking gaunt? are you dressing for your new figure?

Original poster
SzechuanPalace · 21/08/2012 13:25

I don't think they are genuinely concerned, it just seemed like a bitch fest tbh.
I really don't think I've gone too far. I'm happy, my doctor is happy.

At first I think they were interested, maybe I saw that at support when really they just wanted to see if I stuck at it. Two if them said they might join their local SW too but they never did.

I'm a small size 8 now, but I'm only short so I'm in proportion. I'm quite petite and when I was large I was spherical Grin

OP posts:
EmmaBemma · 21/08/2012 13:26

I think Worra has got a point too - it might have a lot to do with your friends being a bit uncomfortable now you've changed so much, and not being able to easily fit this new version of you with the one they've known so long.

sugarice · 21/08/2012 13:28

They're possibly jealous that you look fantastic and it's worrying them that you're no longer "the fat friend" [no meanness intended]. Ignore bitchy jealous comments and congratulations on your weight loss, just be careful not to become obsessed with always wanting to lose more weight.

Original poster
SzechuanPalace · 21/08/2012 13:28

Green you should now have a longer, healthier and happier life because of the positive steps you have taken
Yes, that is why I did it, I needed to be healthier.

Actually, now I've typed it, I'm not that short, I'm 5ft 5 so I suppose that is average.

No one ever commented on my weight when I was fat ever. Maybe I'm just not used to it.

OP posts:
FushiaFernica · 21/08/2012 13:29

Congratulations on your achievement. I don't think they are being bitchy to be honest, you sound like a healthy weight to me now however if I was your friend I would be concerned that you may have become addicted to losing weight. Please now work on maintaining your healthy weight without being disheartened if you gain a few pounds.

Original poster
SzechuanPalace · 21/08/2012 13:30

magic Yes, they said my face is gaunt. No one where I live now, my new friends, have said that though and my DH doesn't think I am.

OP posts:
MyLittleMiracles · 21/08/2012 13:31

It depends, when i lose weight, i am currently 9stone 12, after recently losing 8 pounds in three weeks by shamefully living on chocolate and take aways my mum always tells me not to lose it to quickly, and does worry, she isn't jealous just worried, and she will say to make sure i eat etc etc, that I dont end up ill and my friends will say if i havent seen them if i have lost a lot of weight, only to check i am okay, but they then leave it and on to the next, we might worry if someone wasnt eating at all, and there is nothing wrong with that, but to be honest it seems like they are jealous/envious/insecure and not liking the change in their friend.

YANBU, BTW.

FushiaFernica · 21/08/2012 13:32

I am 5ft 5in weigh 10st 3lbs at the moment, I would like to get back down you your weight. Envy I can't imagine you would look gaunt at 9st 7lbs.

alphabite · 21/08/2012 13:32

I think you are being overly sensitive. This kind of conversation is very common when someone loses a lot of weight. You will look very skinny to them compared to what you used to look like. They need to get used to that so give them some time. There may also be some jealousy on their part.

You were unreasonable to leave the brunch early.

LackingNameChangeInspiration · 21/08/2012 13:36

I'm 5'4", 9.5 is just about okay but any ANY less is too much for me and my shope, my colar bone sticks out and I'm all ribs not cleavage and my face looks gaunt.

my WW goal was set (by leader) as much lower, plus I loved making my little chart go down every week, it is important to know when to stop but when you're used to loosing not maintaining you can get a bit hooked on "wow you've lost weight" which would obviously stop if your weight started to stay static

OP are you still on a weight loss diet or are you on a maintenance diet now?

DrowninginDuplo · 21/08/2012 13:37

YABU. I'm 5 foot 4 and my target weight is 9.5 stone, this is not a weight at which I will be skinny it is a weight at which I will be healthy.

DrowninginDuplo · 21/08/2012 13:39

Sorry I meant YANBU. Can't type for toffee

Original poster
SzechuanPalace · 21/08/2012 13:41

Fushia No, I really don't think I am gaunt.

Alpha I didn't leave in a huff or rudely or anything. Just didn't hang around for a second and third coffee after brunch like they wanted to.

Lacking I'm not losing now, I am maintaining because I am at my target weight now.

OP posts:
alphabite · 21/08/2012 13:48

Fair enough then SzechaunPalace. You've done well to lose so much weight. Just concentrate on that and your friends will get used to you looking different.

flyoverthehill · 21/08/2012 13:49

well done! YANBU, and its difficult to say from here, as your general build will also make a difference. You said your GP is happy I think there just jealous. At 9 1/2 stone I am fat. Thats because I'm much shorter than you and my waist is too big for me to admit its actual size !

LackingNameChangeInspiration · 21/08/2012 13:50

"Lacking I'm not losing now, I am maintaining because I am at my target weight now"

then I guess that's all you need to say, did you make it clear to them that you are not loosing you are maintaining now?

DontCallMeBaby · 21/08/2012 13:54

Just one of those things, I reckon - I was kind of amused to get a few similar comments when I lost weight, not offended, more 'wow, people really DO say that kind of thing'. I think it's partly a bit of discomfort with change, and partly that you can appear a bit gaunt when you've lost weight, even of you're really not - don't know hold old you are, but I'm 40 and losing 2.5 stone has been a little unkind to my face.

YA however BU to be the same height as me, a mere half stone lighter, but two dresses smaller. Wink

Original poster
SzechuanPalace · 21/08/2012 13:56

I did say I was maintaining not losing, because they asked why I was having milk in my coffee because I didn't used to. Now I'm maintaining I'm having more A and B choices on the SW maintenance plan so can have more milk.

I suppose I wish they had just stuck to the rule of if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. I wasn't looking for compliments but I wasn't expecting an ambush!

OP posts:
yellowraincoat · 21/08/2012 13:57

I really think people hate change. When people see that others are doing something different, it scares them because they realise that they have the possibility to change too, but making the effort is another thing.

Had a similar situation with my depressive ex. I have mental health problems and when I saw him a few years after we broke up, I was much better. He was still really depressed and he HATED that I was better. He did and said everything to make me feel like I should be guilty for being a different person.

I don't think it's jealousy so much as it is fear.