AIBU to be a pissed off with comments from 'friends'?

[SzechuanPalace]

I don't want this to sound like a stealth boast, it isn't. I've lost a lot of weight (approx 5 stone) in the last 20 months or so and I'm proud of it. I feel like it has been hard work but very worth it and I'm happy with myself.

Apologies in advance, its long!

I went out this morning with friends, I haven't seen them in 3 months or so because we moved away so don't see them as often anymore. When I started dieting they were very interested and would ask me about it, asking how it works (slimming world) and that they still have some baby weight that they want to shift and maybe they'd try it. So, at first they were really positive about it.

I made it a rule a long time ago that I only discuss my diet if I'm asked, its one f those topics that bores other people so I try not to bring it up. But, when we are in a restaurant all together and I'm asking to have the dressing on the side or whatever, it always does seem to come up.

When I got down to a size 12 they started saying things like 'ooo, you don't want to lose any more', despite the fact that I wasn't even in the healthy range of the BMI scale yet. I just said that I hadn't set my target yet and would be discussing it wit my SW rep to decided where my healthy range should be. I felt a little annoyed that they brought up the topic (I didn't) just to be a bit negative, but tried to just brush it off.

So, I saw them again this morning for brunch and the first thing they said was 'omg, you need to eat more, look at you, you've lost too much, you look so gaunt, what does your DH think, you've gone too far'. You get the general idea.

I didn't want their opinions, I didn't bring it up. I am not 'too thin', I'm 9 1/2 stone, BMI of 22.15 on the NHS BMI Calculator which is right in the middle of the healthy range.

I ended up leaving the brunch a little early because I felt like I was being attacked by them. Every time the conversation changed to another topic, one of them in particular brought it back to my weight, every time.

AIBU to feel pissed off?? Why, if they had to say something, couldn't they just say well done? Or just shut up and enjoy a rare catch up.
AIBU?

that rule is for aquaintances, real friends are the ones who tell you when you are on the cusp of going too far with something

maybe they think that they are closer friends than you consider them to be?

Losing 5 stone will have made a huge difference to your face. Your DH won't have noticed so much as he sees you every day but your friends will have. I have a friend who lost about the same and I have to say I actually got a fright when I saw her - she looked ill. Over time I got used to it, but at first I was really concerned and I did say I felt she might have lost a bit too much weight. She lost a bit more weight after than and then saw herself in a photo and got a terrible shock - she looked so like her elderly mother. She put back on about a stone and it was far better, she just looked healthy again.

Perhaps that's what happened?

I got almost identical comments from one particular friend when I lost weight with WW. I am 5'6" and I had got down to a size 10/12, my BMI was about 23/24 so bascially healthy. I was getting lots of exercise and felt great. So it was annoying to have her say "oooo, be careful, are you sure you aren't losing too much?" She kept going on about it, I felt pretty deflated.

BUT - I subsequently found out that she had eating disorders when she was younger (she is a petite 5'1" and about a size 6) and had to take a year out of school because of it. So I think her comments were more about her, and her associations with losing weight, than my new healthy lifestyle.

Generally, if someone is being a bitch to you, it's about them and not anything to do with you!! YANBU but don't spend too much time thinking about it. And well done!!

I'm 30 btw, not far off 31. My face does look very different, I have newly discovered cheek bones but I don't think I look bad. I'm no beauty, never have been but not being pretty isn't because I've lost weight. I'm just not pretty!!

I think people are jealous or don't understand that being derogatory about someone's weight loss is as rude as if they commented on them gaining weight. I got asked if I had an eating disorder by someone recently

Are you really a size 8 though?! I weigh less than you and am a few inches taller and I'm definitely no smaller than a size 10

Sounds to me like jealousy. Either they wished they could lose that much weight or they liked being the thinner girls of the group and you could steal their crown. Congrats on your weight loss.

Eggs IMO you DO need to be careful with WW as the leaders at both meetings I tried were very insistant about setting goal weights at the BOTTOM of your healthy BMI - right at the cusp! and the first one would not adjust it even when I was in the lower half of my healthy bmi! they want you to keep paying full price for as long as possible and they want you to yo yo up so you have to start paying again if you do get to their goal

a lot of the women at goal at the meetings did look awful and would look better half a stone heavier

WW goes too far a lot of the time. Yes I do warn friends about it. Been there done that have the horrific gaunt photos to prove it (thought I looked HOT at the time!)

MrsMiniversCharlady Yes, I really am. In M&S jeggings I'm a 6, big sizes in there I think. In Zara I'm an 8 for bottoms and an S or XS for tops. In Dorothy Perkins I am a 6 on top but an 8 on bottom. I'm a somewhere between hourglass and pear shaped I think.

I don't think they are concerned. If I was concerned I would speak to my friend on the quiet. Not like they have.
Some people are just like that and want to belittles other achievments.
Well done op, as long as you are happy and healthy. Ignore them.

Wow it's an amazing thing you did!

I think that saying someone is gaunt is very rude, for some reason people think it is ok to pick at people for being thin when they wouldn't dream of mentioning weight gain.

I think a few MN-classic 'did you mean to be so rude?' should do it.

I'm clearly shopping in the wrong places then! Mind you, a friend dropped some outgrown clothes aged 13-14 off for my dd and I fit in them just fine

I am just imagining this conversation the other way around. Would it be ok if the OP had gained 5 stone over a period of time and each time she saw her friends they kept making comments about it? Or would that be hurtful and rude?

My weight can fluctuate a little bit and I can guarantee that every time I have lost weight my friends have made comments about losing too much weight etc. When I put weight on no one says a word about it.

I just wonder sometimes why it's ok to make comments about someone's personal appearance if they lose weight but not ok if they put it on.

I have a very, very good friend who has an eating disorder and who has ended up having an operation to reduce the size of her stomach to stop her eating too much. It wouldn't even have occurred to me to tell her that she had put lots of weight on, even before she told me about the eating disorder. She's my mate and it's not important to me how much she weighs.

I was confused, like mrsminivers, but I suppose everyone's body carries weight differently. At 9st 1lb and 5'4", I was in an 8-10 recently, more 10 for bottoms. (I'm pregnant now, so all change!)

Well done on losing the weight. I put on and lost again, three stone, in recent years. And those who haven't seen me in a while, commented on my skinny face. My mum hinted towards gaunt, but then corrected herself because it was just such a change. It's probably just that it's now how they are used to seeing you, but they could have been kinder.

Nearlythere I have a small waist and quite small boobs, my weight appears to be concentrated in my thighs

Some women do this. Even women who are otherwise perfectly nice. It's weird. I got told by my best friend I didn't need to lose any more weight when I was, by the kindest internet calculation tool I could find, about two stone overweight, and I bloody looked it too.

Sometimes it's a misguided attempt to be nice and all "love you as you are" (which I think was the case with my friend, but probably not in this case because your friends rudely went on and on about it). Sometimes it's because you are in their heads as "the fat friend" and it disturbs them you might not fit there any more. And sometimes I think there is an element of jealousy - not necessarily of the weight loss per se (though it could be that) but of the fact that you have successfully taken control of something in your life that was bothering you. Maybe they wish they could.

If everyone else, family, your DH etc, just thinks you have got the balance right, then I would ignore the friends.

All I'm bothered about tbh is being healthy. I had a health scare last year and it terrified me, I need to be healthy to bring up my DS's. So really it is less about how I look and more about what my GP says. He is happy with me, about 2 years ago I was about to be put on tablets for high blood pressure and he talked me through my risks because of family history. It was scary stuff. TBH even if my face was gaunt I'd rather be gaunt and healthy than the alternative.

I'm feeling better about it now, maybe the issue was more how they feel about themselves or the change in group dynamic rather than how I actually look.

On the face thing, I think it does take a while for your body to sort itself out and for you to re-learn how to present it when it has changed shape (though I realise you've hardly done drastic crash dieting, at 5 stone over nearly 3 years). It's odd but even stuff like make-up and hair that you would never think would be affected does need to be tweaked to suit your changed appearance. So you might temporarily be finding your way a bit with that, and that may account for the "gaunt" comments (no excuse for them tho ).

Well done you!! SW rocks doesn't it?

I lost 6lbs this week.

I have a lot to lose before people start saying I have lost too much, but when they do, I shall put it down to jealousy!

I have lost almost 3 stone. Lots of people are telling me i should stop, I look great, it's enough, etc. The thing is, I am still size 18! I have at leat another 2-3 stone to lose. People just struggle with change, I think.
If you are happy, and your doctor is happy, just nod, smile and ignore.

I know somebody who lost a fair bit of weight but then took it too far- difficult things in her life and weight was one thing she could control. People were worried for her. I, on the other hand find it difficult to control my eating. I comfort eat.

Classic envious comments. I bet you look and feel great. Time to get new friends.

If you are happy with your weight, and in the right healthy range then what's it got to do with them? If you like what you see in the mirror then why not be proud of yourself? You have done brilliantly.

lots of luck xxx

One of the ladies I work with is probably a similar size to you now, but she lost a lot of weight to get there. Her face looked awful for a while, because she had too much skin for the fat that was left, so she looked really old, quite suddenly (she was in her 40s) Lots of people bitched behind her back, but I don't remember anyone saying anything to her face.

A couple of years down the line, her skin just fits her face better, so she now looks younger and healthier, but she honestly did look rough for a while.

You should be so proud of yourself though. I only want to lose a stone, and I can't do that.

YANBU, they are. I'm a petite size 4-6. I get picked on at work all the time, told I look scary/ gaunt/sick (I know I dont because my family and close friends who really care about me tell me I look greatm and I feel great). In fact i've never been off sick, run for many km every week and lift weights regarly. I feel energetic and active, I am just very tiny. I dread lunchtimes because jokes about how I need to be fed more/eat more are common place but nobody tells the overweight colleagues to eat less ...

1. YANBU
2. Congratulations on your weight loss!

India Knight writes really well about this in the Idiot Proof Diet book. Basically, if you've been "the big one" in your group of friends, and were used to ordering pudding willy-nilly if you were all out for a meal, some people may have seen that as "permission" to also order pudding, in a "Well she's having it so I can have it too because I'm not the only one ordering pudding and she doesn't care what she eats so I can be a bit like that as well" kind of way. And that those people would also then say to you, while you still had a couple of stone to lose, "Oh but you look great! You don't need to lose any more!" when it was perfectly obvious to you and them that you did. This is because people can feel threatened by change, particularly when it's to do with weight, and feel uncomfortable when the Formerly Fat Friend has now escaped from the Fat Friend box and the dynamic has changed. Also, if they've got a bit to lose, it's reminding them of that, and of how they haven't done anything about it, and that can also be a bit uncomfortable to think about.

She puts it much better than I have.