AIBU to be a pissed off with comments from 'friends'?

[SzechuanPalace]

I don't want this to sound like a stealth boast, it isn't. I've lost a lot of weight (approx 5 stone) in the last 20 months or so and I'm proud of it. I feel like it has been hard work but very worth it and I'm happy with myself.

Apologies in advance, its long!

I went out this morning with friends, I haven't seen them in 3 months or so because we moved away so don't see them as often anymore. When I started dieting they were very interested and would ask me about it, asking how it works (slimming world) and that they still have some baby weight that they want to shift and maybe they'd try it. So, at first they were really positive about it.

I made it a rule a long time ago that I only discuss my diet if I'm asked, its one f those topics that bores other people so I try not to bring it up. But, when we are in a restaurant all together and I'm asking to have the dressing on the side or whatever, it always does seem to come up.

When I got down to a size 12 they started saying things like 'ooo, you don't want to lose any more', despite the fact that I wasn't even in the healthy range of the BMI scale yet. I just said that I hadn't set my target yet and would be discussing it wit my SW rep to decided where my healthy range should be. I felt a little annoyed that they brought up the topic (I didn't) just to be a bit negative, but tried to just brush it off.

So, I saw them again this morning for brunch and the first thing they said was 'omg, you need to eat more, look at you, you've lost too much, you look so gaunt, what does your DH think, you've gone too far'. You get the general idea.

I didn't want their opinions, I didn't bring it up. I am not 'too thin', I'm 9 1/2 stone, BMI of 22.15 on the NHS BMI Calculator which is right in the middle of the healthy range.

I ended up leaving the brunch a little early because I felt like I was being attacked by them. Every time the conversation changed to another topic, one of them in particular brought it back to my weight, every time.

AIBU to feel pissed off?? Why, if they had to say something, couldn't they just say well done? Or just shut up and enjoy a rare catch up.
AIBU?

Yes! That's where I read it too, LadyMary, and I straightaway realised I'd had real life incidents like that.

Fir some change is very scary. Their prob, not your rude friends beeswax at,all. I get this after losing 140lb. People are jealous. Always women too.

Ok - well there is 3 possibilities:-

1. You genuinely have lost too much weight and your friends are right to be concerned
2. You are a good weight for your height but the shock of the change means that your friends (genuinely but wrongly) think you have lost too much weight.
3. Your friends are cows who preferred you fat!

Obviously it is very difficult to know which one it is over an Internet forum.

One thing that has confused me is your weight vs size. You are 5ft5, weigh 9.5 stone and a size 4 - 6. Are you very muscly? It's just that I am an inch taller than you, about half a stone heavier (so similar BMI) but a size 12. (And occassionally a 14.) And I have defined muscles on my arms and calves.

I'm just concerned that you might be like my dh who has serious serious muscle. When I met him he had a BMI of about 24 but the bones in his ribs stuck out so much he was sharp. He now has a bit of middle aged spread and has a BMI on the cusp of overweight but still is most definitely not fat.

What I'm trying to say is that your BMI makes you sound a really sensible weight but BMI is a rubbish measure for the super sporty muscly types. It may be worthy trip to your GP to ask him to assess you to rule out 1.

If it is 2 then this will resolve in time as they get used to the new you.

If it is 3 then you may need some new friends I'm afraid.

Whichever it is - you have done brilliantly - 5 stone is an amazing achievement.

How weird. Look at it from their point of view. There's nothing to make them feel more guilty about their unhealthy lifestyle than their friend looking completely fabulous from a weight loss regime. They are jealous! I'd just avoid having lunch with them (temporarily)

My friend lost an awful lot of weight and i hadnt seen her in 6 months she had the stomach op , any I was shocked when i saw her she looked ill , I think it was because i was so used to her being over weight, she is better now and i have seen her a few times and I got used to it and she looks fine now in my eyes IYSWIM , I didnt say anything to her though your friends were a wee bit tactless thats all ,

When you're thin/slim/skinny, people comment on it and take the mickey at times and make critical remarks. They would never do that to someone who is overweight (IMHO). I've experienced this all my life and am always feeling bemused by it!

MadBusLady, she's great isn't she! She just explains different situations so simply - like visiting your mother, who knows you're on a diet, yet has made you four different kinds of cheesecake and then gets all upset when you say you'd rather not eat any... how is that helpful?!

i am always getting told to have some cake by a few people I dont say oiy tubby put that cake down that wouldnt be allowed

Just ignore them as fat overweight woman seem to make them selves feel better by calling normal sized woman gaunt and calling obese woman curvy,

MummytoKatie I think it can be where you carry the weight. I am 5'4 and a half and 8st 13, and I am a 12 on top and a 10/12 on bottom. I have VERY skinny arms and legs, if they were normal sized I'd probably be 10stone.

SzechuanPalace My take on it is that they are jealous and your face is thinner and they call this "gaunt" as a way of expressing their jealousy.

Really good posts madbuslady and ladymary.

Congratulations OP on the weight loss. You are right that you are more healthy now. It must have been hurtful to hear your friends say that

I recommend the Idiot Proof diet book as well, a lot of good stuff about the psychology of dieting and overeating.

I think that when you've lost a lot of weight it takes a while for your body and skin to settle somehow. I have known some women, probably older than you though, who have looked a bit drawn immediately after the loss but a couple of months later, at the same weight, they looked great.

I do second the WW encouraging people to go too low though (although I know SW don't). I am huge atm, fatter than I've ever been before but back in my thinner days I once got down to 9st 10 and a slim size 10 at 5'7", they were telling me I should have been a stone lighter

I lost 3 stone & my mum (who is a natural sz 8) was genuinely worried I'd lost too much & thought I looked gaunt at 10stone (5ft6 & a very average sz 12). They just need time to adjust to the new you & after a while will forget you were ever large but it does take time & lots of irritating comments & diet questions.

Well done on your weight loss. I expect they are jealous, particularly if they feel they have some weight to lose but have got no further than vaguely discussing it. I'm sure there is also an element of having to adjust their mental picture of you and that not being a comfortable thing to do.
Why should you care - you know you are a healthy weight and look fabulous!

YANBU but get used to the fact that people are polite to the overweight but think its fine to say what they like to the 'skinny' (As I have been called in the past at a healthy weight - 11st and 5'10 is certainly not underweight).

The simple fact is that they think of you as fat but you're now slim. Its confused them and they are quite possibly jealous.

MummytoKatie No, I'm not a 4-6, I'm an 8. In M&S jeggings I'm a 6, big sizes in there I think. In Zara I'm an 8 for bottoms and an S or XS for tops. In Dorothy Perkins I am a 6 on top but an 8 on bottom.
I am quite muscular I suppose, only on arms and legs though, I don't think my stomach has any muscles!

My GP is happy with my weight, very happy that I have improved my health and has been supportive.

LadyMary I think you might have hit it on the head, it has changed the group dynamic and they don't like it.

ThisisMummyPig I suppose maybe my skin doesn't fit my face very well, its hard to know when you look at it every day. Maybe in a few years it will fit better!

Congratulations on your massive weight loss, that is so hard, you did brilliantly. Your friends are only jealous. You're not underweight at 9 and a half stone with a bmi of 22, that's perfectly normal. You should be whatever weight makes you feel your healthiest, happiest and most confident. Ignore those who will try to sabotage you, they don't have your best interests at heart.

If you feel good and you're doctor is happy with you, there's no problem.

If they continue to insist on trying to talk you into getting fat with them (which is their intention, they don't feel comfortable with your size because it makes them feel bad about their own pudginess and they can't be arsed to do anything about it), then maybe you should find new friends. Nobody's worth getting fat again for, especially after all the hard work you've invested.

Viperidae I'm 5' 7", the last time I was anywhere near 8st 10lbs I was 17 (about 9st then actually I think). And I was a seriously skinny-arse 17 year old. How on earth could they think that was appropriate for you? I'd settle for ten and a half now!

No-one is ever happy for the person who loses weight.
I lost 2 1/2 stone which got me down to the size 10 I should be (I'm short!). Unfortunately the saying about choosing your face or your figure when you get to a certain age is true so I can look a little gaunt around the above-the-bust area. I'm happy with that as the rest of me is okay (slim not skinny).

A friend and colleague who is clearly thinner than me always comments that I mustn't lose any more, I'm looking too thin (even when I put 1/2 stone back on), am I not eating etc, etc.

Just do what you are comfortable with. It's your body. Just deflect any comments rather than arguing (as they won't listen).

And yes, they're jealous!

Well done btw!

I know how hard it is!

To give credit to my SW rep she discussed my target with me, we looked at he BMI range, said to go away think about it, talk to family etc. In the end I only set my target once I got to a point where I felt happy and I could say this is my best weight. There was no pressure at all, but I've been going a long time and she knows me well.

Wow 5 stone!!! Well done you! I'm after trying SW post baby I need to hear this stuff
They sound jealous IMO. Whether its of the actual weight loss or your self control is difficult to say but it sounds like green eyed monster to me.
I doubt 9.5 stone is too thin unless you are 6 foot. That weight would be borderline big for me.
I am (when I'm not pg) somewhere between 8 and 9 stone and I can't please anyone either
Your post made me think of a friend who at the moment is takin a hugs interest in what I order and eat in restaurants and making me feel weird about it. It's not nice to go for a social meal and have your food choices scrutinised.

Crack Yes, I did feel scrutinised and it isn't nice. Especially if I'd put 5 stone on I'm damn sure they wouldn't have said a word!
Good luck on SW, it really can work if you stick to it.

Maybe they are genuinely worried that you have gone too far, they don't know your bmi. Some people look thinner than they are ifyswim. Don't get upset it's not nasty. They should mind their own business Though, it's your body.

Krum They do know my BMI though because I was quizzed on all my vital statistics and exactly what I eat on a normal day. It was a bit much.

I think I will try to put off our next get together for a while.