to be a little suspicious of landlord MIL.

[SmellsLikeTeenStrop]

Sorry, this is long.

DH and I rent from my MIL. She bought the house for DH before we met and there was always the understanding that when he had a steady income that would enable him to take on a mortgage she would let him buy the house at the same price she paid for it.

This was over 10 years ago, DH and I live here with our DCs and we're now in a position where we can buy the house, but now the plan seems to have changed. MIL is very cagey when we try and talk to her about buying the house. In the past she's said she'll 'be fair' when it comes to selling the house, but she's also said that for various reasons it would be impossible to sell the house to us for anything less than full market value. We've been told that the rent barely covers the mortgage and insurance, but we've also been told that she relies on our rent as her main source of income.

The last discussion we had she was pushing towards us not buying the house but instead having our names added to the mortgage and taking over the mortgage payments. I asked her how much the mortgage was and she claimed not to remember.

She's not been the best landlord in the world, she's made no effort to update the house at all. We can't have the boiler serviced because it's so old there are no parts available for it - but she can't replace the boiler as she has no money. The house is in massive need of updating, the kitchen is at least 30 years old, ditto the bathroom. The windows we're fighting a losing battle with, we sand them down and paint them every other year but they're deteriorating more and more.

For a house we're merely renting, it's not suitable for us any more. We're expecting another DC soon and we're a bit squished as it is. If we owned the house DH and I would hang on here a bit longer to improve the house and hopefully get it to a point where we can sell it on at market value and use the equity for a bigger home. Alternatively we could extend and/or add a loft conversion. MIL is aware that this is what we want to do and has said that this would be fine, but that was when we weren't in a position where we could actually buy the house.

If she won't sell us this house than the only real alternative is for us to move out. I won't hang on renting a house that is too small for us, especially with all the issues we're having with it. Us moving out would either force MIL to sell, or to invest a few thousand in to the property before she could get new tenants in. Given the amount of work the house needs, I can't imagine it would sell very quickly unless she sold it very cheaply.

So, after this huge wall of text. AIBU to be suspicious of MIL and WIBU to expect her to honour the promise she made to DH but if that really is impossible for her, to give us a mahoosive discount to take in to account the years of rental we've been paying, plus the huge amount of money we'll need to invest in the house?

Oh no SmellsLike- I had high hopes for your husband to stay on-message! Well, it all panned out just like you and everybody else expected- histrionics, claiming poverty, refusing to replace the boiler, and continuing to try to con you out of every last penny. The only surprise is that she's already financially screwed over another relative.

Sounds as though you've already made the decision to move- hurrah!

A couple of thoughts that occurred to me:

• Don't worry that a 6 month rental contract will be too long. Others have explained above how this could be set up on a rolling contract basis- and, to be honest, many house moves can take around 6 moths anyway,especially with a chain. Ours took 4 months, and we were first time buyers buying a vacant property (lots of fart-arsing about with solicitors chasing down people with power of attorney etc).

• Mortgages- yes, there are fees. Solicitors, stamp duty, searches, surveys. You'd probably have to pay at least some of those fees if you bought her house though. The key point is - none of this will cost you as much as getting tied into MIL's debts and carrying out the urgent repairs and boiler/ CH work that are needed to make the house safe.

Oh dear. Oh well, only one thing for it now: Give notice.

Could you just continue to assert DCs as reason?

Dear MiL

We are giving notice as of today and will be out within the month. We understand you are in no position to replace the boiler and therefore we cannot remain as your tenants. We hope you understand that we are motivated only by a desire to provide the DCs with a safe home and we need to find them a suitable one as soon as possible.

I know we have discussed more complicated arrangements regarding the transfer of the mortgage and so on but in light of recent discussions that wouldn't be appropriate. The best solution for us is to move out.

Love and best wishes ha ha
Strop

Give notice Strop, and start look for your new home,Good luck with the house hunting. Hope you find some where loverly for you and your family. Iam sure DH well see things diffently when you are all get away from THAT house.

If MIL needs to sell you the house at 'market value' then there really isn't any benefit to you of buying an unsuitable house that has been neglected for a decade. If you add mortgage fees, solicitors fees and estate agents fees together then they would probably add up to more than getting a 'good' interest rate if you have to sell in a couple of years. Unless she is on a life time tracker those benefits are time limited anyway.

If Oh wants to discuss it, you could tell him there is no point until you see a mortgage statement. He's being emotionally blackmailed and I really feel for you both. But get out now!

She sounds even more manipulative now! I'm glad you ave the sense to see you need to move out and get as far away from her sodding house as possible. People who get hysterical like that often do so to detract and distract so it's good you didn't fall for it. Get out asap and leave her to it. Oh and dot be so quick to believe what she says either, I would put it past her to lie.

She is USING you and now you see this she is acting up. Don't fall for it!

Sorry it went so badly.

I think the best you can do now is find a new rental property ASAP.

But do not tell her until you have to give her notice.

Then ignore and refuse to discuss anything to do with the move with her.

I'm sorry it went so badly too. I would write to get your factual points - she can rant and rave but the letter won't respond or be swayed.

Get out asap-you do NOT want to be part of this womans disastrous finances.

I may have missed your reply but have you actually got a formal tenancy agreement?

If not then you could move as soon as you have a place. I don't see you have any obligation after the way she has behaved.

What has your DH got to say about the disgraceful way he let you take the flak from his frankly deranged hysterical mother?

My dh has a lot of trouble asserting himself with his family too. There's so much emotional blackmail!

Its the most frustrating thing!

You just got to move as soon as you can. A lot of people are having problems with investment in holiday homes abroad so will be help lines for them get DH to find one for her then he wash his hands of her and hopefully, can move on

If MIL needs to sell you the house at 'market value' then there really isn't any benefit to you of buying an unsuitable house that has been neglected for a decade.

That' exactly what I'm thinking kiwi. There is no benefit in investing a huge amount of money in a house we don't want to stay in and is too small for us.

That reminds me, yesterday she kept going on about how she wants us to own this house so we could get the benefit of the equity from it and help us buy a bigger house. I said to her that her financial situation sounds pretty dire, it would make better sense for her to sell this house and keep the equity but she just wouldn't have it.

Oh yes, and again yesterday she repeated that our rent just covers the monthly mortgage repayments - so why then does she want a lump sum off us to put our names on the mortgage, to make up for her loss of income?

Not that this matters really, we're not buying or putting our names on the mortgage for this house. It's just further evidence that I can't trust her.

We do have a formal tenancy agreement bossybritches, DH is sorry he didn't properly support me, he says he's used to her doing things like that when confronted that he tends to sit back and wait until she's calmed down.

Thankfully, DH and I are both in full agreement that we need to move ASAP and we will not be involved in any more of MILs financial schemes.

Smells, in your position I would ask DH to absent himself from any further discussions on the subject, and leave you to deal with his mother.

Also if you have to use the boiler in the meantime, I would buy a few more CO detectors - they are not expensive. I'd put two by the boiler, one in each bedroom, and one in the living room. Agree a strategy with DH as to what you do if one goes off, and have an overnight bag packed and standing by the door.

she said "I can't afford to replace the boiler I have no money"

you say "tough shit, you've broken the law for the last 10 years and if you don't replace the boiler (HP is she has to) then we will seek legal advice and report you"

"i bought the house to be yours and i'm just paying the mortgage"
"we signed a tenancy agreement that means you see us as tenants, we are tenants and the law recognises us as tenants. Taht means you have broken the law by not making sure that the house is safe and fit for us to live in"

i also think you should ask an estate agent round to value the house "at market value" - i bet because of the work that needs doing to it to make it safe that you won't get as high a valuation as your MIL thinks.

estate agents try to big up the vaue, so make sure you tell them you need a realistic selling valuation because of a mortgage application.

Further discussion will take place via email, that woman just isn't capable of having a rationale discussion. Admittedly I've never seen her that bad before, but she has form for making sure discussions stay firmly on herself and what hard life she has had and how she means well but things have just gone wrong, and everyone is horrible for not seeing that she means well.

Good advice about the CO detector, we're ok not using the boiler right now. We tend not to use it much over summer anyway, we have an electric shower and a dishwasher you see. So the boiler is mainly used in winter for heating. We could be out of here by the time we start needing the central heating.

She sounds pretty amazing OP. I'm glad you have spoken to your DH and have made a sensible decision. Some people are so self interested they just can't understand why people don't see it all the way they do.

My MIL is like that - been investing money in DP's name since he was 16 so she can benefit from his non taxable threshold, then expecting him to pay for the accountant and fines for late submission of accounts. She cries and says 'i have been sorting out your tax since you were 16 and you are so ungrateful etc'. Without comprehending that he wouldn't have needed and accountant if she wasn't milking the system, and he gets fuck all out of it - but no it's all about her martyrdom and she pockets the money. She has recently asked if i am using my allocation of tax free investing...er fuck right off!

nickel, Apart from threatening to report and seeking legal advice, I said those things.

Further upthread you said she's been on holidays etc yet she keeps claiming she has no money.

At best, she's just a complete idiot with money who lets her opinion dictate what she wants to do with it, rather than any kind of common sense.

Perhaps point out to dh that mixing family with business is damaging his relationship with his mother, and that in order to come out of this with any hope of continuing a relationship with her, you need to move out. A clean break now may cause upset, but to continue like this would lead to a complete deterioration in family realtionships.

fwiw, it can take up to 3 months for a house sale to go through. by the time you've moved into a new rental, looked for somewhere, got mortgage approval etc, 6 months will be rolling around. It's also a good time to buy, rather than sell, so don't panic that the perfect house will slip through your fingers - there will be other coming on the market for spring 2013. The worst case scenario is that you'd have a month of overlap where you pay the mortgage and rent as well, plan that into your budget. A month's extra rent isn't that much compared to a happy family home.

good. :)

i thought you'd said something about the tenancy agreement, but I couldn't remember if you'd said it on here or told us you'd said it to her...

You giving her a lump sum to make up for her loss of income is ridiculous. Partly because as you say your rent apparently only just covers the mortgage, and partly because she is making out she is doing you a huge favour/gift by getting this house for you so why would she want to financially benefit if its a favour/gift.

Did you manage to bring that up between her self pitying sobs?

Spuddy - you must tell your DH to stop doing that! it's tax evasion!

Sorry for hijack strop ...

Is it Nickel? neither of us are sure what's going on she is secretive and says everything is for his own good. He is really bad with money and numbers and find official things baffling (cant understand council tax bills etc). I think she has played on this his whole life. Told him he is rubbish at it then made herself look kind by 'sorting it out for him'. She is vague and evasive. She wont speak to me at all and i keep saying to DP to ask her stuff but when he gets off the phone i get gibberish and he is flustered and upset.

If DH had a brother I'd wonder if we have the same MIL spuddy,

PooPooOnMars, no we didn't unfortunately.

Spuddy yes it is- known as money laundering & if it's discovered it's your DP who would go to prison not his awful mother!!

You need to find out everything his name is on & get it removed asap.

strop glad you & DH are on the same page, I can understand the "deer in the headlights" moment he had when mother started her hystrerics, it's difficult to break the habits of a life time for some of theses men with controlling mamas! Get that letter of notice written & you can be out & in a nice big SAFE rental house for when the baby is born I would think? (or shortly after? )

You don't want to be in that house a moment longer than you have to with a new born.

TBH given that she has not kept her part of the tenancy agreement by maintaining the house properly you would be within your rights to leave as soon as you find somewhere I would think, so that you can get settled before baby arrives? She can hardly sue you.

Oh fuck. What if she invests the money in DP's name and gives it all to him? (what she says she is doing in an account when she dies i think) TBH i have no idea what is happening. I may have it all wrong too.