relatives "dropping in" without calling first

[Quip]

I think it's rude, when people (not living round the corner who are in and out of the house the whole time) but say 1hr drive away turn up unannounced, at a mealtime, without calling first. AIBU? My DH thinks so, and thinks it would cause great offence if I asked them to call first?

My house is generally a tip, and multitutinous undies get taken out of the drier during the day and heaped on the sofa for sorting. I feel quite embarrassed, especially when relatives visit, if I haven't had a chance to tidy up. I'd always call ahead before visiting, even someone 5 mins away, come to think of it, as it isn't that hard to send a text. I find it a bit presumptuous the idea that you can drop in on someone at any time. However, I am aware that I may be acting southern and uptight. This is also not my native country, so I may have missed some cultural norm about this issue.

AIBU here?

I would absolutely hate it and I would never do it myself. If you know that the host likes it - not a problem, but the OP does not. Is it really so difficult to give her a call and ask if it's a good time?

The thing is with an hour drive, it's going to put the pressure on the person being visited to say "come in, that's fine" unless they have a very good reason not too - if someone has popped in on their way past your house anyway, you can say "actually, not a good time, I'm just about to give the DCs their tea, can I see you later?" or "was about to go to the supermarket, can I see you on your way back?" that's fine, but if someone has driven for an hour, you'd need to be about to do something that was prearranged and hard to cancel. (Like a doctors appointment, or having been invited to someone else's house.) If you were just about to do something like go to the park or go out for lunch, you'd have to invite them to join you, even if you didn't really want to.

If you do say 'no, this doen't work for us' to someone who's driven that far, you look like the rude one, when actually, they are being rude by just deciding that whatever you had planned for the day, seeing them is far more important.

I think there are three ways to make a visit.

• popping in, no notice
• quick text beforehand or phone call
• prearranged visit

The first can be a problem - what if you've plans? What if the person popping in can't take a hint and sits down expecting tea and cake while you're frantically wrangling toddlers? What if you find it difficult to say a blunt "No I'm going out, I'm afraid you can't stay"? What if you're out and the person takes offence? (has happened to a friend of mine who was out for the day and came back to a narky note from an aunt on her door!)

There are very few people I would pop in to with no notice, just my parents really - and even then it would only be if I were dropping something in for them and wasn't going further than the hall. If I was just looking for the pleasure of their company I'd give them at least a 4 minute warning! (my sis doesn't do this and my dad is threatening to do a streak through the house next time she turns up - fuck hope I'm not there at the same time if he does!)

I just think the quick text or phone call is manners - it not only warns the visitee(?is that a word?) but if you're not going to be there, it saves the visitor a trip. However, as I live 30 mins drive from ANYONE, they always check I'm going to be there, to save a wasted trip. I have never lived where people could pop in with no notice so I've never had to deal with it but I reckon I'd hate it. Because the people that would do it, would be the ones that would sit there and not help if I were busy (sis). The ones that I wouldn't mind, that would join in on washing up, would make themselves tea (and a cuppa for me too!) wouldn't dream of NOT giving notice (DM & DF, DB & SIL).

And I don't think it's a sign of how much you care for someone that you're comfortable with them arriving with no notice - I think it's just the way you're made. And as it's your own home, people should respect how you are made, and if you need notice to be happy with a visitor, they should give that notice without judging.

And I think I should stop writing sentences that begin with conjunctions!

I can't conceive of making an appointment with my parents or ILs, nor would I want my children to have to make an appointment with me. Yes but that's YOU ffs. Doesn't make the rest of the world strange, fucked up, hostile etc etc. They are just different to you.

I find it really arrogent that people who have posted that they don't mind people dropping in have been so judgemental of those who do and think they are some kind of cold, alien, unloving creatures. Have some judgement back then - maybe those of us that would appreciate a call or text first actually have LIVES and don't just sit about at home all day waiting for some company. It is not strange to make an arrangement it's common sense. Yes if family and friends live in your area that normal to pop by. The OP specifically said about people driving for an hour to visit with no arrangement. That is just bloody stupid and you are not just popping in for five mins after driving for an hour. Call, text, whatever, then you can be accomodated and nooone else is put out. People are just different!!

Thinking about this further, the only way you can pop in without calling first (at least to say "hiya, we're about 5 minutes from your house at X, can we call in on our way past?") and not be rude (just assuming they've got nothing better to do than to see you is rude), is if the person you are visting has staff .

If the door of the person you are calling on is opened by a housekeeper or butler who will show you to a perfectly kept library while they find out if the person you are visiting wants to see you or not, and if not will politely decline your visit, then it's fine.

It's not "making an appointment" it is checking that what is a convenient time for you to see them is also a convenient time for them to see you.
It only takes a minute to phone someone to see if a visit is convenient. Not doing so is arrogant and presumes that other people should fit in with your plans.

Everything Jumpingthrough said and more.Maybe this board is only for those with ishoos,who then cannot wait to lay into others who give their opinion,of their own world views,that are not fraught with above ishoos.We are also allowed to post!!

It is rude, however well intended it is supposed to be, I have DD 5 weeks and DS 4yrs home now im on ML 99% of people know not to come round unless i know they are coming because i do not open the door if i don't know someones coming round.
However i was home last week just got back from a long walk with the kids and whipped my bra off for a pumping session whilst DD slept and DS played by himself, 2 minutes later a big thump on the front door, made me jump it was so loud, turned out to be my Great Grandfather-in-law, 70 something yrs old!
He was smiling and brandishing flowers, came straight on through woke DD up and sat down started talking to DS etc, only left when i started leaking through my top, i was so uncomfortable it made me really angry, although how do you get angry at an elderly relative of your husband, who has bought you flowers?
Luckily he didn't stay long as DD was screaming her head off, but i hope he never does that again.

gotthemoononastick read Jumpings posts below. It was the people who weren't in agreement about having an open door policy who were accused of being 'hostile/unsociable' not being able to sustain relationships. So noonoe can respond to that no? Those people where not making generalised sweeping statements about those who do!

Read back on this thread ; do any of you wonder why you cannot sustain relationships?

*This board is full of people who are often lonely, isolated, appear to have toxic/narc parents, "entitled" siblings, what comes across in the written word as absolutely barking mad ILs, a whole host of downright peculiar friends - all I can say is: if you need an appointment system to see any of these people, and randoms you meet appear to be giving you "catsbum" looks in the shops - might it just be that a proportion of this boards posters are in fact hostile/unsociable/down right odd and it isn't the world at large who is peculiar?

And I ask again - those who don't like drop ins by parents/siblings/ILs/friends - would you apply those rules to grown up children who have left home? Do they have to make an appointment too? Because if they do, I think the parent-child relationship there is mighty peculiar.*

It divides people on here.

The people like you (and me ) who hate it think it's rude. The people who love it think it's abnormal not to want people dropping in.

I think it's rude to assume that everyone feels the way you do. I know family who would think it rude if I handed over a card and present on their doorstep and left without coming in for a coffee so I respect that. I give warning to those who prefer it.

I think it's rude to assume that everyone feels the way you do. Agree! People are just different - not one group of warm, fuzzy, caring people without issues and one group of cold, prickly, emotionless fuck ups. Just people with different points of view!!

"I can't conceive of making an appointment with my parents or ILs, nor would I want my children to have to make an appointment with me. Yes but that's YOU ffs. Doesn't make the rest of the world strange, fucked up, hostile etc etc. They are just different to you."

Absolutely, KellyElly.

Why is is called "an appointment" anyway? Just to call up and say, "I'm free now/today/next week. Are you?" It's courteous to make arrangements to make sure people are free and that they actually want to see you.

I think it's a bit odd that some folk think it ok just to drop in when anything could be going on. But I would never slag off those people who are happy with that.

I find it very strange and hostile and actually f*cked up that those who are happy with dropping in feel the need to attack those who aren't.

the conversation with my mum usually goes along the lines of-

'Will you be in in the next half an hour as I was going to pop round?' then we either say no and arrange a another time or yes and put the kettle on. Works both ways. Someone explain why that is peculiar?

My dh's family used to do this - they all 'pop in' on each other for tea and cake at the most unreasonable times of day (before 8am and up to midnight!), fully expecting you to be immaculate, welcoming, and with a spotless house.

I pointed out to dh after he complained about the messy house that they are his relatives, that we both work full time so he has to take some responsibility for the state of the house, and if he wants them to visit willy nilly, then I am quite within my rights to take my pj clad self and go to bed.

They are lovely people, but quite unable to understand that other people can have stuff planned (like sleep) and not be available.

I do wonder that about the whole 'popping round' thing. How do they know people will be in??? Or not eg in the middle of dinner or bathtime?

Yes there are always polarised views on this question.

Personally I would hate people 'dropping in' and would never do it myself. I do think it's a bit rude and inconsiderate, and just there's no reason for it these days when you can so easily phone/text to arrange to meet up at a mutually convenient time! You can call that 'making an appointment' if you want, to me it's just how normal social interactions work.

Not sure why grown-up children should be a different case. I wouldn't turn up at my parents' house unannounced, it wouldn't even occur to me to do it. If nothing else surely you'd want to check the person will be home before you travel (unless you live practically next door, I guess)?

I certainly don't mind family and close friends doing it. But there are rules.
Popper-inners have to take you as they find you (since they haven't given you a chance to get ready for them), so
(i) no looks or catty remarks about the state of the house;
(ii) don't expect to be waited on completely, pitch in;
(iii) don't expect your host to abandon plans completely: if they are about to go out, have other guests, are doing DIY or don't want you to stay long, fit in around that.
Easy.

I hate people who just turn up. In fact all of my friends and family know this and never do it. I see all of my mates at least once a week and we arrange things in advance. But by the same token I wouldn't dream of doing it to them either.

It's called being considerate of other people and their lives. How on earth can anyone be offended when they have rocked up at your house without telling you or asking you first? I could be on my way out, sleeping, spending quality time with my son, watching tv in my minging dressing down whilst eating cheesy puffs, anything.

Is it really too much to ask that friends and family just drop a quick text to ask if it's ok to come round? I don't feel that wanting people to do this means I have some sort of personality disorder.

Narked - Or having wild sex on the dining room table or have a massive row!! You should be able to do these things in your own home without someone popping in for an unannounced brew!

I like people popping in.

However at MILs her front and back door are always unlocked and her friends just let themselves in randomly!

That I would find too much! There is zero privacy in her house because any one of about 10 friends could pop up at any second.

That would drive me bonkers, personally!

'Or having wild sex on the dining room table'

That's it's best chance of a thorough polishing

When I was a teen I had no landline, neither did some of my friends. (This is pre-mobiles).

We always just popped in on each other. I liked it, and miss the spontaneity now we all have mobiles.

Having said that I always call to say I'm on my way these days.

I suppose to be fair, I suppose if you were sleeping, or having sex or something, you can just not answer the door! Maybe a bit more difficult to pretend you're not in if you're having a row involving lots of shouting...

Narked - Ha ha!! This actually happened to a friend of mine. She and her new BF were going at it in the dining room (like you do at the beginning of a relationship) and her parents turned up and when they didn't get a response at the front of the house they went round the back and looked through her dining room window.

Funnily enough they now ring first to see if it's convenient to call round

I fang around to my mums all the time- she never answers her damned phone anyway. However she always calls me first, which I thank god for because it means I can sweep, make sure dp did the litter and do something about my hair.

In general, I hate pop-ins. Dp works shift and is foul if he's woken. Our house is the size of a nit so you fart and the neighbour knows. Sneeze...and wake the dragon.