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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

relatives "dropping in" without calling first

109 replies

Quip · 20/08/2012 20:23

I think it's rude, when people (not living round the corner who are in and out of the house the whole time) but say 1hr drive away turn up unannounced, at a mealtime, without calling first. AIBU? My DH thinks so, and thinks it would cause great offence if I asked them to call first?

My house is generally a tip, and multitutinous undies get taken out of the drier during the day and heaped on the sofa for sorting. I feel quite embarrassed, especially when relatives visit, if I haven't had a chance to tidy up. I'd always call ahead before visiting, even someone 5 mins away, come to think of it, as it isn't that hard to send a text. I find it a bit presumptuous the idea that you can drop in on someone at any time. However, I am aware that I may be acting southern and uptight. This is also not my native country, so I may have missed some cultural norm about this issue.

AIBU here?

OP posts:
CheesieChippies · 20/08/2012 22:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lonelylou · 20/08/2012 22:21

Most of you sound like you take yourselves too seriously. I love unexpected guests. As another poster said it keeps me on my toes but they do have to wait a while to clear the sofa of ironing.

It's nice to know they think you are friendly enough to drop in on. Smile

nokidshere · 20/08/2012 22:25

no problem with it here - my house is like grand central station most of the time! :)

2rebecca · 20/08/2012 22:33

I don't like it but it doesn't happen as my friends and relatives all live some distance away. I have always phoned my parents if visiting since I left home for college age 18. Everyone I know tends to be busy. Popping in is a very selfish thing to do and does imply the person you are popping in to see has nothing better to do than sit and watch Jeremy Kyle all day and wait for visitors.

CremeEggThief · 20/08/2012 22:37

I'm not keen on it either. In fact, I don't think I could live in my part of Ireland again, where it's still a common practice.

HappyAsChips · 20/08/2012 22:47

Yanbu! Can't stand it when people do this.
sparklingbrook Grin I want one of those!

Sparklingbrook · 20/08/2012 22:50

I find it inconvenient. If I'm going out or I am very busy, I have to stop and talk to people who I didn't even know were coming. Angry

Then I feel bad if I can't entertain them. Confused

QOD · 20/08/2012 22:54

One of my sils has bought a house up the top of my road grrrrrrr

She DRIVES down 4 times a week ..... DRIVES!!! There's hmmmm what 9 houses between us?

And if other (favorite and lovely) sil visits she sees her car AND BLOODY DRIVES DOWN or at least rings [hmmm]

NameChangeGalore · 21/08/2012 09:25

YANBU! Once my dh's brother and friends decided to "pop in" at 8pm on a weekday. I'd put dd to bed and had a shower and was in the kitchen in my pyjamas making some hot chocolate. It was snowing outside. Anyway, long story short, they came and sat in the back room which leads into the kitchen. Too embarrassed to meet them in my blue sheep covered pj's I had to go outside into the garden (in my thick socks!), open the side door and run around to the front door and then run upstairs to get changed into proper clothes. When I came into the room to say hello, my dh was fighting the urge to laugh out loud. I was extremely pissed off.

I always phone before visiting someone. Even family.

iscream · 21/08/2012 09:38

I hate it. Call first.

LittleMoo6 · 21/08/2012 09:46

YANBU, I hate it when people do that and I make no attempt to disguise my annoyance if they do.

BiddyPop · 21/08/2012 09:52

We lived near to a holiday camp when we were growing up. Various extended family relatives would go to stay there for a week without us knowing (coming from places MILES away), and just drop in to visit as we so rarely saw them - we'd see the car or van driving in the gateway as our notice. One particular branch of the family grew quite fond of the holiday camp, and grew quite fond of turning up to see us, ALWAYS coming up to a mealtime (and they had quite a few kids in each family). So I remember dinner that would be a strech to feed us 8 having to stretch even farther to feed an additional 6 or 8 mouths. At a time when there WASN'T extra in the cupboards.

I also remember a time when the van turned up at the gate as we arrived home from school for lunch, an adult cousin with his mother and aunt in tow. So they had to get our spag bol for lunch, while we got a slice of bread and packed off back to school starving (and we had to walk back as mum couldn't leave them).

Luckily, we are actually so far away from anyone now ourselves, that they really do have to give us notice as they need beds as well as feeding. So I always have at least an hour's notice (I keep the guest beds permenantly made up so that I can spend any notice on cleaning the house rather than have to think about that). And people also know that we both work FT outside the house, and weekends are pretty busy as well out and about, so they really do need to check first if we will be around before they call.

quoteunquote · 21/08/2012 09:55

blimey, this thread an eye opener,

we always have an open door, people family and friends are always turning up, unexpectedly, they just join in while we get on with life, It very common to arrive here and find someone already in the kitchen, making tea or sitting in the garden, everyone just walks in,

I can imagine not feeding people if we were eating, just add some more veg,or carbs,

we don't stand on ceremony for anyone, just carry on with stuff and enjoy the company as we do.

If someone arrives and I'm off to do something else where, they either come with me, or hang out until someone gets back.

fedupofnamechanging · 21/08/2012 10:16

I hate it when people just drop in. I don't mind if it's my parents or sister, but I like to sit around my house with my pjs on and no bra - not a good look if unexpected guests turn up.

I would never give unexpected guests the food I'd cooked for our dinner - it's really rude imo to just turn up and expect people to feed you.

ladymariner · 21/08/2012 10:18

I'm with you quote I'd be mortified if people didn't think they could just drop in and see us when they felt like it, they'd have to take us as they found us but that's no problem surely?

Think some of you sound really hostile tbh.....

JumpingThroughMoreHoops · 21/08/2012 10:29

This board is full of people who are often lonely, isolated, appear to have toxic/narc parents, "entitled" siblings, what comes across in the written word as absolutely barking mad ILs, a whole host of downright peculiar friends - all I can say is: if you need an appointment system to see any of these people, and randoms you meet appear to be giving you "catsbum" looks in the shops - might it just be that a proportion of this boards posters are in fact hostile/unsociable/down right odd and it isn't the world at large who is peculiar?

And I ask again - those who don't like drop ins by parents/siblings/ILs/friends - would you apply those rules to grown up children who have left home? Do they have to make an appointment too? Because if they do, I think the parent-child relationship there is mighty peculiar.

I can't conceive of making an appointment with my parents or ILs, nor would I want my children to have to make an appointment with me.

Flisspaps · 21/08/2012 10:30

The only person who pops in is my Dad. He is untidier than me so that suits me. He always brings cakey goodness or clothes for the DC.

ILs live too far away to pop in. This suits me as we have to do a full clean before they visit as they'd keel over at the general state of the house.

I live in a different part of town to most of my friends so it's not a 'dropping in' sort of place as its not on the way anywhere, therefore they check we're in before coming by rather than wasting a journey. I do the same if thinking of visiting anyone, but as I don't drive I don't want to waste the bus fare if I go somewhere unannounced and there's no-one in.

simperingsally · 21/08/2012 10:37

I dont mind it. just last weekend pil popped over pil only live 5 minutes away but they hadn't seen dd for a while so decided to see if we were in. The house was in a bit of a mess (it usually is until dd goes to bed) but i didnt mind as he was here to see dd.
And it also meant dd was happy and I didnt have to get dressed and take dd to theirs that weekend.

LittleMissFlustered · 21/08/2012 10:43

I don't deal well with unexpected visitors, but that's linked to my mental health so there's not a lot I can do about it in the short term. I'm better than I used to be. At one point I couldn't cope with visitors at all:(

babybythesea · 21/08/2012 10:48

"I find it inconvenient. If I'm going out or I am very busy, I have to stop and talk to people who I didn't even know were coming"

See, this is what i don't understand.
If I drop in on someone, I accept that they might be busy, so I have no issue being told "Sorry, it's a bad time".
No different to if I call on the phone for a chat and someone says "Look, now's not a good time."
And I have no problem saying it to people who drop round.

I like my friends. I enjoy their company. I also enjoy spending time with my family. Therefore they are always welcome - I usually put off what I'm doing in order to spend a bit of time with my mates. If it can't be put off, I tell them so.

I am really surprised at quite how many people think dropping in on someone is wrong. It just seems so very unfriendly to me. It might not be convenient - then for goodness sake be honest and say so. A real friend won't mind - it's the risk you take. My friendships also run a bit deeper than minding the state of each other's houses. And mostly, I'm not doing anything more important than spending time with people who matter to me. Which for me is what it comes down to. My relationships with people I care about are critical, so they will always be welcome to pop by - if the place is a mess, then so be it. If they care about me, they won't care about the mess (and may even help me tidy it!). If they judge me for it, then that's their problem for not giving me notice to tidy up. I'm certainly not about to let it worry me.

DontmindifIdo · 21/08/2012 10:56

Hmm, I'm more comfortable about 'popping in' by some people than others, but generally I hate it. I do try to keep the front room tidy so at least there is somewhere neat-ish to put people, but I like notice. I think it's because I'm not good at saying "no, i'm about to go out" so it means I feel I have to entertain people and cancel my other plans. I guess if you're a regular popper in then you dont mind someone saying "actually, this isn't a good time." But in the OP's case, to drive an hour just to be told, "oh, we're going out in 2 minutes" seems a rediculous waste of time. (Unless you were on your way somewhere else and the popping in was just on the off chance)

I also don't like not being able to plan to feed people - it's fine to make stuff go a bit futher if you're having pasta or a stew, but with something like salmon filets, I will have only bought one per person I was expecting to feed.

My MIL did go through a 'popping in' phase when we first moved into this house (20min drive from hers) but after the 3rd time of me being out or her arriving as I was just walking down the drive to go out, she started calling first.

DuelingFanjo · 21/08/2012 10:57

"Would you treat your own children this way if they had left home?"

yes, I ALWAYS call my mum to let her know I am coming, I would very rarely just drop in.

I would never just land on my son and expect to be fed/watered/entertained at short notice. What if he wasn't there?

SusanneLinder · 21/08/2012 11:03

Depends who it is. If it is people that need to be entertained, then I want notice.If it is DD and her DH and my DGS, then its open door. She lived here, so knows that she takes a chance on whether house is tidy...lol.

I pop into hers sometimes on way home from work, but make my own tea, and pitch in if she needs help.

sashh · 21/08/2012 11:03

It is REALLY odd to drive 1 hr just to pop in uninvited though!

My parents have done this, they live at least two hours away. I'm not sure if that is better or worse than when they give me a day but no time to arrive so I don't know if they want a meal or whether I can go to the shops.

OnlyWantsOne · 21/08/2012 11:05

I find my home my safe sanctity - where I can be me and relax. The idea of people dropping in when ever they please just fills me with horror. It's even worse when you expressly ask people not to and they continue to do so.