relatives "dropping in" without calling first

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I think it's rude, when people (not living round the corner who are in and out of the house the whole time) but say 1hr drive away turn up unannounced, at a mealtime, without calling first. AIBU? My DH thinks so, and thinks it would cause great offence if I asked them to call first?

My house is generally a tip, and multitutinous undies get taken out of the drier during the day and heaped on the sofa for sorting. I feel quite embarrassed, especially when relatives visit, if I haven't had a chance to tidy up. I'd always call ahead before visiting, even someone 5 mins away, come to think of it, as it isn't that hard to send a text. I find it a bit presumptuous the idea that you can drop in on someone at any time. However, I am aware that I may be acting southern and uptight. This is also not my native country, so I may have missed some cultural norm about this issue.

AIBU here?

depends who they are. if they are my very good friends/relatives they are welcome whatever the state of my home, they know us well enough and are relaxed enough to not give a toss, we would grab a bottle of wine/pizza for dinner, or nip to the shops for afternoon tea if not sticking around for the evening. There are other relatives where i would just spend the next hour apologising, running around trying to tidy/sending Dh out to get food in etc and would not enjoy it.

But it is rare/never that anyone who is not literally around the corner would turn up unannounced, as it would be a waste of their journey if we were not in.

I would prefer an appointment system a bit like my doctor's surgery.

They can ring and try to get through for half an hour in the morning to get a same day appointment or ring back later in the day to see if I have cancelled what I was doing.

Other than that, I'll see them in 3 weeks.

I hate it but I don't really know why! Our house is generally tidy and if it isn't I'm not bothered about others seeing it - it just seems a bit rude to expect people to drop everything to entertain an unexpected visitor.

I don't understand the mentality of someone who would drive for an hour, just to 'pop in', without even knowing if you were going to be in the house?!

I hate 'pop-inners'. I don't let them in. They can pop the fuck off and come back later when I've cleaned up.

NOt mad on popper inners but wouldn't turn them away. They would have to take us as they find us, which might be in dressing gowns at 4pm in the afternoon......

not unreasonable at all. My relatives live vair close and still don't give me a heads-up. My gran always lectures me about the state of my house, but even if I had 10 minutes notice I could shovel stuff under the sofa/cupboards etc. Or at least put a bra on or get out of my slobby joggers that usually have boogers, drool and jam on them. The other day I had no bra, slobby joggers, DD had just upped a cup of water down my top, and there was my grandparents with my Australian cousins that they'd just picked up from the airport, passing though. I hadn't even brushed my unruly hair, so embarrassed.

But they wouldn't even let me in the door once when I went for a walk with DD once and desperately needed a pee... she made me go around MiL's [who lives next door to them]. I have to schedule visiting afternoon's with them in advance.

My parents are just as bad... they keep telling us that DD wants a little brother or sister, they came over when they knew my sister had DD for a trip to the park that afternoon. So just me and DH at home, slightly disheveled and had to run downstairs to answer the locked door to find them wanting to come in for a cuppa and wait for DSis to return. Ack, talk about passionkillers.

Read back on this thread ; do any of you wonder why you cannot sustain relationships?

I hate it, I'm very forgiving of older people who do it because that was normal in their day, people didn't have phones and there wasn't much home entertainment so they probably welcomed the company whereas nowadays people are busier and more distracted so more people see it as an intrusion, extra social types excepted.

I would tell them to call you first because it's a long enough journey wasted if you're not there or busy with something else, then the next time they turn up unannounced, don't answer the door.

I hated being dropped in on pre-DC. My own mother knew she had to ring me first

But now, if it's just me and DD in the house, I'm desperate to see another adult. I'd invite the postman in tbh. In fact I had a lovely cup of tea the other day with the council rat man!

Jumping. Yes because people don't share your view of an open door policy they can't sustain relationships. Your children are a bit different than some inlaw or relative you don't just want turning up when they fancy with no regard to your plans for the day. Doesn't take a second to send a text or pick up a phone.

However, I am aware that I may be acting southern and uptight. This is also not my native country, so I may have missed some cultural norm about this issue

This made me smile and think: 'bet she's an Englishwoman living in Scotland or Ireland.' If so, it's probably cultural - in reverse, I could never get my head around having to make an appointment to see my in-laws when I lived in England! The family just want to see you all, they won't give a monkeys about the knickers

My house is never neat and tidy - Lost cause with teenagers and animals - but I'm happy to have people drop in - and they often do. My ex MIL still has a key and let's herself in, other ex-in laws drop in if they're in town and a couple of neighbours will knock on the door if they fancy a coffee and think I might be in, one friend drops in sometimes on his way to or from the gym. I'm not actually the most social of people, happy with my own company, but I do like the fact that people will do this and can usually find time for a

I agree with Angus,this is a really British thing.where i am everyone pops in, people would think it strange if you were in their area and didn't call by.I think it's sad that people don't like this,interacting with people and having a non-regimented social life makes life interesting.

Perhaps I prefer to interact with people who are not relatives.

Not everybody plays happy families you know.

MyBrainIsMush I don't think its interacting with people that's the problem it just people have plans and stuff to do and if people call and let them know they're coming then noone is disappointed or put out. It would make me feel rude if someone dropped by to say oh sorry I'm going out to see x if they had driven an hour to see me and would be a wasted trip for them or would mean I may have to cancel my arrangements with someone else to accomadate their visit. All this could be avoided by a call. Just common sense surely?

I don't mind dropper-inner-ers so long as they're happy to take me as they find me and don't expect me to cook meals for them or anything.

Our house is usually quite busy with kids and people dropping in which is fine until they start making demands

I hate people dropping in uninvited and actually refuse to let them through the front door, not even to use the toilet after people using that excuse to get through the door then making themselves comfy.

But if I know someone is coming I will pop over the road and get some biscuits or pop a cake in the oven. It causes offence at first but tbh I don't care.

To me a dropper-inner isn't someone who is planning on staying for the long haul, it's someone who is nearby,thought of you and thought they would come say hi,maybe have a cuppa.i would keep on doing what er chore I was at if they were there.if someone you dont like pops in its annoying,but I think its more annoying if they have told you they are coming,cause then you have wasted time before they arrive dreading their arrival!you may as well just be pissed off when they are there.

Id hate it too,i dont even answer my phone after about eight,i like my peace and quiet after five kids

I think it depends on the relationship you have with someone.
I don't live near enough to my parents or sister to pop in, but if I did, I would.
They know what I'm like - they lived with me for a very long time so they'd also be welcome to pop in here.

My best friend - I did pop in, all the time, until we moved. And she did with me.
If her house was a mess, I might help her tidy some of the kids toys away while we chatted, I made my own tea, if I could see she was frantic I'd make the kids dinner (this was when I was pre-children), if she didn't want me there she'd say so.
Similarly, she'd make herself at home at mine, she helped out with dd if she turned up and things were chaotic. If I didn't want her around, i told her.

Having a friend pop in when you can be this honest is great. Maybe it's when you can't be that up front and say "Look, now is a crap time" is more the issues. And yes, I always ran the risk of her not being there. But equally, I also tried to ensure that my visits didn't happen at times that I knew would put her out (from about 6.30 on was bedtime for kids - a no go zone, so I didn't). Sometimes, I was able to be really helpful (like the time her eldest started a serious asthma attack and I was able to stay with the youngest while he was taken to A&E - fluke I was there, but then I was there a lot!

Incidentally, we now live far away from each other and popping in is not an option. We try to stay with each other at least once a year and it is easy because we are so used to sorting ourselves out in each other's houses, and helping out with kids etc. I do her washing, she cleans my kitchen. It's not awkward, they don't feel like guests but as though they belong, and when she leaves here with her family they leave a gaping great hole.

YANBU! You need to put this above your door

hattieshome.co.uk/fab-shabby-chic-sign-relatives-by-appointment-sign-by-heaven-sends

My oldest friend lives about 80 miles away (where we grew up). A couple of her other childhood friends pop in all the time. In a way I'd love to have that sort of informal set up -but then again, I'm just not sure it's me. My friend is very laid back. I'm not and I think the novelty would wear off pretty quickly.

I fancy one of these