aibu to think we must tell the children

[dementedmumof6]

My MIL has just been diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer, my husband and his sister don't want to tell any of the children.

I want to tell mine that granny is dying as they lost there granpa 3yrs ago to kidney cancer and were not told how bad he was and only found out once he died, my eldest in particular took it really badly.
So aibu to want to go against everyones wishes and prepare my children for the worst.

How old are the children?

I would tell them MIL is very very ill and when people are as poorly as she is then they usually die x

How old are they?

Absolutley not unreasonable imo.

How old are your dc?

This charity should have info the website thatmight help you in talking to the children and explaining to the rest of the family why it is so important.

www.winstonswish.org.uk/

range in age from toddler to teen dnt want to give full ages incase i out myself

I'd tell them that she will die when she becomes very ill. If she is still up and about I might just tell them that she is ill and then if they ask if she will die, you should tell them the truth.
Good luck. It will be sad for them x

Agree with Valium...

I am thinking of how we dealt with MIL death to cancer when my StD was 14 and DD nearly 4.

We told them she was very very poorly and when they asked about her getting better, we said she probably wouldn't. Then the day before, we took the girls to 'Say goodbye to Nanny' as she was going to die soon.

Sometimes Cancer can be a long drawn out process. You want to shorten the time the DC are fretting about it a much as possible.

Also, you DH and his DSis are really the main players in this, I know you and the DC care but it is their DM! They may not feel they can cope with the DC grief while still trying to process their own. So I would say at this point YABU, but nearer the time YWNBU!

You need to tell them in a way that each child can understand the sad news you are imparting.

Tell them the truth, no matter how old they are,

Everyone has to deal with death

It's really hard because if you do tell them they may well tell their cousins and the choice is really down to your SIL if they know or not.

Could you tell the older teanager (s) and ask them to keep it quiet so as not to upset the younger ones?

I am sorry it is such a hard time for your family. x

i really think its your husbands call not yours.he probably has enough to handle at the oment without having to take on their distress as well and you going against his wishes

I would tell them that she has a disease called cancer, and that sometimes doctors can treat it, but sometimes they can't and people die.

My children were both with me when I received the phone call telling me that my dad had terminal cancer, so I had to think on the spot. The children were actually fine.

Sorry to hear about your MIL.

Could you tell the older teanager (s) and ask them to keep it quiet so as not to upset the younger ones?

I couldn't disagree more - it is perfectly ok for children to be upset when someone is ill and dies - it os not something they should be shielded from imo.

I think this depends. I know you are thinking of your children but don't forget your husband and his sister are MILs children, maybe they need some time to absorb this. No matter how old they are this is horrible news about a parent.

I think you need to wait a while and see how MIL acts about it. I don't know how ill she is but she may still have time to address this herself. If she doesn't want to tell them then it is absolutely not your place to share it (although you can prepare them without being overt about it). It would be awful if you told your DCs who told SILs, etc. and created a situation in MILs last days for which others may not forgive you.

I think you know your own dc and if they were distressed before as they were not aware - and that was a main factor in distressing them more - then you need to have a very sensitive conversation with your older dc and possibly down towards the age of 6 in words they will possibly understand.

To me you need to have a good relationship with dc and being truthful and not hiding bad things from them is important.

Telling the dc that grandma is very ill will for the older dc have its own meaning anyway and they may well ask - is granny going to die, so relying that her only care now will be palativeare to make the reminder of her life comfortable is goign to make sense to them but not to the younger dc

I'm not drip feeding and normally i would be the first to say sons daughters ect come first, but when their granpa died my eldest was really angry and struggled with his grief, he was a typical teen who put football and friends first, and after his granpa died he blamed us because in his words if he had known how ill his granpa was he would have spent more time with him .[ sad]

I can totally understand your view point and I do think you should tell them. But and this is a big but, only if your husband agrees. I think you should talk to him more and try and convince him and then let him convince his sister. To be honest if I asked my husband not to tell my children something like this and he did it anyway, I don't know if I could forgive him :(

Exactly why I would say the older ones really ought to know - I would have been livid as a teenager to have been excluded from something like this. Younger ones you can manipulate (for want of a better word) and make sure they do spend appropriate time with their grandmother. Older ones are going to have choices, and aren't going to be happy to discover they chose to hang out with friends rather than see granny for the last time, because no one thought they needed to know that it COULD be the last time.

But I suspect your DH and SIL need to get their own heads round the news first.

'after his granpa died he blamed us because in his words if he had known how ill his granpa was he would have spent more time with him .[ sad] '

..but blaming their parents is what teenagers do

It may be worth considering that pancreatic cancer is one of the fastest-progressing cancers and is often v advanced by the time it is discovered. My nanny died in march this year after getting her diagnosis in July 2011. She was one of the longest survivors the hospital and hospice had known of as generally the prognosis is only a few months at most.

Sorry to put a downer on things but with pancreatic cancer, things can move very fast and it should be taken into account so you can all spend as much time together as possible.

I'm sorry to hear about MIL.

I don't know the answer to this but when I was 5 my dear grandma died of cancer. I don't remember what we were told but as she came home to die, her illness was not hidden from us. I distinctly remember the last time I saw her alive and now I am so glad I had that (even though I was only 5). I was allowed to the funeral, my cousins weren't. I think it was the best thing to let me go. I remember being sad but also having an understanding about what was happening.

Contrast this to when DMum got cancer when I was 10. She survived thankfully, but for some reason we children were not told, presumably to 'protect' us. However, I think they handled it really badly. We knew something was wrong and kept badgering the adults to tell us leading to me feeling extremely confused. We were told eventually but then I felt angry about being lied to.

I don't think adults always give children enough credit with their ability to handle and process death which I think I'd a very important life lesson for them and one which will have to be faced eventually.

I am of the opinion that the DCs should be told but obviously it's tough when other family members don't agree. Perhaps show DH this thread to see the other opinions?

My gut response:

Tell the older ones who can appreciate the value of spending quality time now.
Do not tell the younger ones because they will assume it's happening Now. They can't think in long term, yet, and will only find it confusing that you've told them now when the reality might still be quite distant.

Pain if other family want to conceal it from their older ones, you may have to explain that to your older ones that it's a private matter for now, other parents want to find the right time & place for their offspring & you are trying to respect that. Not fair on them to have to keep it secret, but don't see what else you can do.

What would MIL want? Does she care if people know, perhaps she would prefer not to worry the grandchildren?

Honestly, I would tell them in an age-appropriate way.

I was devastated when my grandad went into a hospice - I knew he was ill but until that happened (and to be honest, probably not even immediately) I didn't have a clue he was dying.

I was 18 btw, and it was just awful. I wish my parents had been more open as we were close and I would have appreciated being able to say goodbye when he was still 'there'.

I lost my Mum to pancreatic cancer 3 years ago.

At the time we lived as an extended family, (DS1 was 4 and DS2 was 1), DS1 and my Mum were incredibly close.

Obviously he realised she wasn't well as she stayed in bed, had special bed downstairs etc.

I waited as long as I could before telling her that she was going to die, partly because I could hardly bear to tell him and
also because I didn't want him to have the weight of that knowledge any longer than necessary.

YADNBU to want to tell your DC but I also met resistance from family members who thought I shouldn't be open with my DC.

So sorry you're going through this, feel free to PM me.