aibu to think we must tell the children

[dementedmumof6]

My MIL has just been diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer, my husband and his sister don't want to tell any of the children.

I want to tell mine that granny is dying as they lost there granpa 3yrs ago to kidney cancer and were not told how bad he was and only found out once he died, my eldest in particular took it really badly.
So aibu to want to go against everyones wishes and prepare my children for the worst.

I think the older teenage children should know, its not fair on them otherwise. For the younger ones, I probably would just say that mil is very very poorly, and try to get them used to the concept of death. I find the book waterbugs and dragonflies very good for explaining what might happen one someone dies.
Sorry to hear about your mil.

At what point the children need to be given a fuller picture depends on the time scale I think. I do realise that can be difficult to judge.

Something to bear in mind is that the children's behaviour around their grandma may change if they know how seriously ill she is, even if she wants them to treat her just as normal. When my dad was dying he didn't want any of us to acknowledge it; he didn't want sad conversations and tears. So we just said to the children that when someone you love is old and ill it's important to go and see them often, and made sure we did. I think if we'd explicitly told the children he was dying the whole atmosphere would have altered and he would have found that so difficult.

I agree that how your DH and SIL feel is extremely important. By all means talk about it gently, but it really is their call. Of course your ES has already learned through sad experience that it's important to spend time with grandparents, so he may well not need it spelling out.

Honesty is definitely the best policy, especially for the older children.

When we were 11 my best friend's mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer, as our mum's were best friends too, she confided in my mum about the situation.

My mum told me how things were, but my friend's parents decided not to tell her and her brother that their mum was going to die.

It was only when we were having a 'deep and meaningful' in our late twenties that BF found out that I had known about the nature of her mum's illness. She was understandably devastated that I had been 'in on it' whilst the truth had been kept from her.

Based on your previous experience with your DS (who I assume is in his mid/late teens now?) I think you will do much more damage by keeping the situation a secret.

Does your DH understand why you want to tell your DCs?

I think you should tell your DCs, but if you don't, please make sure you visit her regularly, for her own sake of course (assuming she wants visits) and also so your DCs don't feel guilty again.

My children were 2, 4 and six when they had their first experience of death. On the day the death happened we told them Daddy was going to see X as she wasn't well and was in hospital. Daddy got home a few hours later and we told them together she had died. I think we did it the best way for our children. They didn't have hours or days of fretting and we were able to give them facts rather then don't knows.

I'd tell the little ones that she is very ill and and leave it at that for the time being. I think teens are old enough to be told but not little ones.

I don't think you can even really consider not telling them. It would be awful of you to not tell the older ones, and the little ones will know something's gong on and are likely to be more upset by knowing that there's something big happening but that they can't even begin to understand because no one will talk to them about it.

I really do think it would be very very wrong of you to not tell the older ones, and even worse because ou know how he felt last time. How can he ever respect and trust you of he tells you sensibly about the way he has felt and then you completely ignore it? I think you'd be setting yourself up for some major rebellion if you didn't tell him.

And anyway, I lost my Dad at 15. I was as capable of coping then as I am now.

What's the point in keeping a secret when they will find out at some point?

Tell them.

My stepson's grandmothers boyfriend recently died and they were told they wouldn't see him for a very long time just as MIL was about to have treatment for cancer and they won't see her for a very long time. MIL is unlikely to die any time soon but the eldest figured out the boyfriend was dead and got very worried about his Granny.

Please just tell them. A group of ignorant adults in trying to protect my stepsons caused an awful lot more upset than was necessary.

My sister and I were 12 and 16 when our dad died, it was sudden so different circumstances. He collapsed and died the same day.

I think we would both have been very angry if it had been a long illness and we were not told. Maybe give your dh some time to digest the news and then have the conversation with him again. I think the teenager should be told even if the younger ones arnt

I would tell them MIL is very very ill and when people are as poorly as she is then they usually die x

this is what we told out children they were 9 and 4 before their grandma died , Op I think you should tell them granny is ill. I am sorry your MIl is so ill

I have told my DS7 that his grandma will die early. She has MND and its a life limiting illness, so there is no chance of her ever getting better.

I have told him about her illness in simple terms.

My sil hasn't told her girls yet. they are both older than my son. I think she was a bit shocked when I said I'd told him.

He's already aware that her voice is going (hard to miss), I did ask my Mum if she minded and she didn't.

Why should kids remain in the dark? They are pretty observant and can also sense when something isn't right. I have never lied to my kids and I'm not going to start now. All I had was a week of insecurity because he was afraid everyone would disappear, he is now over that having had a weeks holiday away from me and me still being here when he got back.

I also bought a book called 'water bugs and dragonflies' which explains death in simple terms.

I think honesty is always the best policy in these situations. My grandad died when I was 11 I wasn't told it was that serious, I was so angry for a long time. My dd 14 and ds4 have recently dealt with the death of my grandmother. I told them and explained what was happening- she had a stroke then deteriorated very fast. We got to spend a lot of time together and each of us to say what we needed to and in ds s case he was fine and prepared for our upset.

When DD's great grandma was very ill we told her how poorly she was and that when people are very very poorly, especially when older, they sometimes die. DD would have been about 7 at the time I think.

YANBU. But you really do need to get your dh on board as well, although I cannot see why on earth he doesn't want to tell them, especially as this has

To the people saying wait and see - there may not be enough time for that. Pancreatic cancer can move extremely fast - my aunt died within 2 weeks of being diagnosed, and I don't think that's that unusual.

sorry

especially as this has happened before with their grandpa.

Will second caramel's recommendation of 'Waterbugs & Dragonflies.'

We got it for DD (then 3.5) when her great nan died - it was simple, comforting and hugely helpful.

You need to tell them the truth.

As the prognosis is so certain (my granny had it too) you know what is ahead and it will be obvious she is ill. If you say nothing or lie, they will not trust you in future when you say "oh your aunt agatha is ill but she'll be fine" when aunt agatha just has the flu.

Kids need time to process and make the most of the opportunity to spend time with their grandmother.

How they process the information will depend on the age, but they need the truth

I would prefer to tell them, but I think your husband and SIL should be the ones to make the call.

I would tell them, my dads girlfriends dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, he was told he had roughly 6 months left, he passed away just 4 weeks later.

Tell them, and soon. Pancreatic cancer is so fast :(

Just adding my 2 pence worth - my mum didn't tell my and siblings when my grandmother was dying (though we knew she was terminally ill, we just didn't know how little she had left), she didn't in fact even tell us the morning right after she died because she 'didn't want us to be upset at school' that day. I have always felt cheated out of saying goodbye to my grandmother and was confused at the time (I was 14) as to why it would have been so dreadful to have 'been upset' at school... But then this is also the mother who didn't tell me my grandfather was dying at ALL - we'd been estranged from him (because of mother's rel/ship with him) for years and I'd have loved the chance to see him before he died. I was 21. Worst thing was that my mum pretended she'd mentioned he was ill ("oh, you remember, darling, I told you he wasn't well' - er, no you DIDN'T, I think I'd have remembered that) and just dropped his death into a phone conversation one day...

My advice based on all this - tell your kids in whatever way you think they can understand at their ages, they'd rather know, I promise you.

PS so sorry to hear your sad news :(

Can you tell your dh your concerns about how your dc will cope if not told? What are his and sil reasons for not wanting the dc to know?

They really do need to know. FIL had terminal cancer when ds1 was 6 and ds2 was 2. For me it was never would we tell them but when and how. Unfortunately in our case fil ended up having a stroke and lost his life much sooner than expected.

Having just had my beloved MIL pass away 2 weeks ago on Saturday past from pancreatic cancer, we decided to tell the kids that "Nanna was very sick with a very bad illness and unfortunately she died from it, so is no longer with us anymore. BUT she's now with grandad and they're both the brightest stars in the night sky". At 7yo DS cried as he kind-of understood that we wouldn't see nanna anymore, but DD at 6yo, didn't understand about death (MIL was the 1st death to happen to someone close, in the family, since she was born).

It was the hardest thing I've had to do in my whole life, and I've faced some very tough events in my life to say the least, including hearing that my best friend had died when I was 9yo.

Telling kids that a loved one has died, I suppose, depends on what age they are and how to put it in words that are age appropriate for them IYSWIM.

Personally speaking, I believe that death is just a transition stage between this life and the next. It's like your essence/spirit/soul is leaving one body and being prepared to live in the next one, if that makes sense.

Anyway, going to bed now, but i hope you can use something out of what I've posted.

Tell them in an age-appropriate way - maybe in a day or so when DH has absorbed it.

My friends Mum was diagnosed at the end of Nov last year and died three weeks later. Pancreatic cancer is devastingly cruel.

I think be honest with your children - as their mother you have the right to do that and tell them what you feel is for the best.

Personally I'd try not to ask any child not to tell others. But agree that you could tell older one and explain you will tell younger ones a bit later.

My MIL died at quite an early age of cancer, when DCs were fairly young (3 & 6)

• a few years ago.

My thoughts with you and your family x