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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

aibu to think we must tell the children

81 replies

dementedmumof6 · 20/08/2012 17:41

My MIL has just been diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer, my husband and his sister don't want to tell any of the children.

I want to tell mine that granny is dying as they lost there granpa 3yrs ago to kidney cancer and were not told how bad he was and only found out once he died, my eldest in particular took it really badly.
So aibu to want to go against everyones wishes and prepare my children for the worst.

OP posts:

Downnotout · 20/08/2012 23:32

Please be honest with them.

I lost my DAd 2 years ago. He was ill with heart disease.
The last few weeks we had with him were incredibly precious because we all knew what was happening. My youngest was 8 at the time. We laughed and cried together and also created some wonderful memories, which would not have happened if we had hidden it from the children.

Dying is a process and death is only the final act. Children have a way of coping with things that they are helped to understand. Seeing death as a shock because they didn't expect it is so much more difficult for them to come to terms with.

LucieMay · 20/08/2012 23:36

Yes I would tell them. Ds is aged six and we often discuss death, what it will be like when our loved ones die, when I dies, when he dies. My own mum died years before ds was born and I often talk about her to him. He came to his great grandad's funeral when he was five. No taboo around it or euphemisms in our house.

lisad123 · 20/08/2012 23:40

I would tell them. We have always been honest with dd1 about dh cancer and she was 6 when it all started. She's now 9years old and even tonight was asking dh about his cancer, treatment ect. Of course we have been age appropriate but been very honest with her.
Dd2 was only 18months when it started and while we haven't sat down and told her, it's not hidden from her eg she sees dh chemo treatment and has on odd time come to hospital when no one to babysit.

Children know when we are lying and I think from age about 6 they are able to understand and sadly it's a part of life they will have to deal with.

123caughtaflea · 20/08/2012 23:48

If the question is: do I tell my children that my mother is dying (which I know it isn't, bear with me) - my answer would be unequivocally, yes.

If the question is: Am I happy for anyone else, partner or not, to make the decision whether to tell my children that my mother is dying - my answer would be unequivocally, no.

(Never to speak of: If the question is: Am I happy for anyone else, my son, my DIL or anyone else, to decide for me who knows that I am dying?)

I think it's clear. It's your MIL's call first and foremost and your DH's call next. SIL decides for her own children (assuming MIL is happy for it to be shared). You can talk to DH (and MIL if possible) to explain why it is so important for your children to be know the truth and I agree it is important. But your MIL's right to have a voice in this most central of matters transcends everyone else's and her own son's right to make decisions for his children re his mother comes next.

JugglingWithFiveRings · 21/08/2012 00:00

I just don't think I entirely agree there 123.

I think a mother's simple right to tell her own children the truth if and when she feels that is right "trumps" all.

I hope you can all broadly agree on what to tell the children, and how and when.
Best of luck with everything. You might find the children help you all more than you expect x

Original poster

dementedmumof6 · 21/08/2012 09:48

Just a quick update.
Husband came home last night and said we will NOT be telling the children until absolutely necessary, obviously im not going to go against his wishes and will just have to deal with the inevitable fallout when it happens.
Thanks for all your kind wishes much appreciated

OP posts:

throckenholt · 21/08/2012 09:52

My mum died of cancer in March. She had been diagnosed about 2.5 years earlier. We told the kids (age about 7-8 at the time) from the start. We didn't make it scary but were honest. Talked a lot about the uncertainty of it all. They really did take it in their stride. They loved their nan, were with her all the way through - even to visiting the day before she died. I think it really helped them come to terms with it.

And to be honest - it was much easier for us to be open than to try and hide it. Easier to deal with your own emotions when you are not trying to hide it from children.

I also remember my mum talking about when her own grandfather died. She said the kids knew something was wrong, there were lots of whispered conversations between adults and worried faces. She said she thought her imagination of what the problems might have been was much worse than knowing would have been.

throckenholt · 21/08/2012 09:55

cross post with your last entry. Even if your DH doesn't want them to know the detail you can still prepare them for the idea in more general terms. Talk about getting old (any older neighbours around ?) - talk in general terms about things like cancer, heart disease, alzheimers. Talk about treatments - how sometimes they work, sometimes they don't. How the treatment themselves can sometimes be tough to deal with in their own right.

Your kids will gradually put two and two together over time as they see what is happening with their gran, and hopefully it won't be such a shock. Presumably your older one is well on the way to having much of that understanding anyway given previous experience.

PackItInNow · 21/08/2012 11:34

If you want to let them know that their Nan is dying, I suggest asking the local cancer charity/hospice shops if they know anyone who has been involved in palliative/end of life care and if they have experience in telling children about their ill/deceased relative in an age appropriate way.

The Hospice Shops may well be you best bet, because IME they have people who have been or are currently are involved in palliative/end of life care, but help out in the shops in their spare time.

The main thing about these particular situations is that you're honest and open to your youngsters. The more you try to hide things, the more you have to think of other things to say when they start asking more questions. Telling them truth about the relative is a lot easier because you don't really have to think about something to say IYSWIM. You have the facts there as they are, so you just have to think about a way to help the kids understand the facts about your MIL.

I hope you are keeping your chin up and looking after yourselves.

lljkk · 21/08/2012 12:03

Gawd, I think your husband's attitude is dead wrong.
and HE should deal with the fallout when it happens. He's creating extra problems with the culture of secrecy. Not you. :(

aufaniae · 21/08/2012 12:06

In that case can you make sure you visit her with the DCs?

Annunziata · 21/08/2012 12:09

It might be MIL who doesn't want them to know! It might upset her to know they are coming just to say goodbye.

lljkk · 21/08/2012 12:10

yeah, I asked OP about what does MIL want them to know, not sure she answered?

throckenholt · 21/08/2012 12:48

This may sound callous - but the kids are the ones who will have to deal with this long term, emotionally. Your MIL is likely to get upset at times anyway (who wouldn't in that situation ?) - worrying too much about if taking the kids to see her will upset her too much is not the main issue. Most grandparents would probably love to see their grandkids as much as they can (both) cope with. After all their grandkids are their legacy - the reaffirmation that their own life was valuable, the continuation of their line etc. Having youth around sometimes helps put their own situation in perspective.

As for taking the kids to see their gran - it is a judgement call. As long as they want to go, and gran is happy to see them, then go for it. If it gets to the stage that you think seeing her may be frightening (probably for the younger ones) or override their memory of her as she was before she was ill, then stop taking them.

Be aware that she may only be able to handle very short visits some times.

Mine were 9 and 10 when their nan died, they wanted to go and see her, last time was the day before she died.

Original poster

dementedmumof6 · 21/08/2012 12:53

Truthfully not sure if my MIL wants them told or not, she has decided not to have any treatment and just let nature take its course.
But given that it has already spread i unfortunately think she will pass sooner rather than later and would rather had them prepared as best as can be.
My dh is not being told much as after his dad passed he had a breakdown so they are worried he won't cope again.

OP posts:

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 21/08/2012 12:59

Its a difficult one as I think your DH doesn't want to tell the children because of his issues rather than because it is really in the children's best interests. I agree with others than someone with advanced pancreatic cancer can deteriorate quickly. It is really important that your children at least spend some time with your MIL whilst she is still relatively well.

My stepmum and my dad both died of cancer and we did explain to the children what was happening to the extent they could understand (under 8 years old at the time).

I am sorry that you and your DH are going through this, its very hard watching someone you love die.

Pandemoniaa · 21/08/2012 13:07

All I would say is that please try and persuade your DH to tell the children that she is very poorly before she dies and, if possible, let them see her.

Only when ds1 & 2 were 10 and 9, their much loved paternal grandfather died. It was very sudden and peaceful although he'd had progressive heart failure and was increasingly less well. Naturally my dcs were upset but they were particularly sad that they'd never had a chance to say goodbye. Had I known that his death was imminent, but kept this from them, they'd have found it all the harder and yes, I would have been blamed.

TroublesomeEx · 21/08/2012 14:20

My dad has cancer. He had it for 7 years before we told DS. We also decided to tell DS at the point at which we felt it was 'necessary' and by that we meant when he started to look ill, couldn't do the things he used to, etc.

Our hand was forced because he was admitted to hospital unexpectedly and none of us thought he'd make it out.

That was nearly 4 years ago and he just takes it in his stride now.

I don't believe in worrying children unnecessarily but I think at the point at which the word "terminal" is being used, it is necessary.

I think for your husband, telling the children will just make it too real. Your children need to be told. I think the rest of the family are being a bit short sighted and selfish by not wanting to tell the children.

It is very sad though.

JugglingWithFiveRings · 21/08/2012 14:56

Maybe there is an element of understandable shock and not having been able to take in and accept the situation in some of the families idea not to tell the children just yet - wanting to keep things as normal as possible too. But I think when people have had more time to adjust it might be possible to be more open and honest, and to include the children as appropriate, which is generally the approach I've heard recommended by those with experience.
When my MIL was very ill I remember how hard I found it, both because of my own close relationship with her, and thinking about DH and my young DC's.
Hope this thread can help a little x

TapirBackRider · 21/08/2012 15:16

I can only give you my dh's experience.

His mother had breast cancer, and was nursed until her death at the family home. He and his sister were not told that she was terminally ill, just that she was unwell. When she did die, it was a terrible shock to him, and the fact that he wasn't told the truth is something he's never fully got over.

When his father was ill, dh insisted on telling our children; he believes that they, as part of the family, deserve to know what's going on.

His father passed away not long after this, our dcs were upset, but because they knew he was gravely ill, I think it was easier for them to come to terms with it.

TapirBackRider · 21/08/2012 15:17

Forgot to say that I'm very sorry to hear of your MIL's prognosis.

oopsi · 22/08/2012 19:47

whatever you do ,don't go against your DH's wishes.It is his and his sisters mother, you don't really figure in this decision

JugglingWithFiveRings · 22/08/2012 22:26

Oopsi - I don't really know how you can say that OP doesn't figure in this decision about what to tell her own children during her MIL's final illness ? Although of course it will be good if her DH and herself can be reasonably agreed on the sort of things they'll be saying to each child at different times. Even then you can't discuss everything beforehand, conversations with your own children tend to naturally come up and you can't always follow a prepared script. I think there has to be some freedom for everyone to say whatever they feel is for the best at any time.

fivegomadindorset · 22/08/2012 22:29

Your DH is wrong, I am really sorry to say that, but he is.

independentfriend · 22/08/2012 22:43

Your teenager is going to find it very hard to forgive this a second time.

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