to be very very upset that my friend gave my DC a sip of coffee.

[megandraper]

DS is 4. He is also coeliac.

In a cafe, while I was in the loo, apparently. Friend was giving her own child a sip of coffee, and offered DS one too. DS said 'Is it gluten free?' Friend said 'Yes', and gave it to him.

I don't think you should give other people's young children coffee, but especially not when they are coeliac. Friend could not have known if the coffee was safe. Even a tiny sip of anything that has been contaminated will cause damage. It wasn't her decision to make. Before I went to the loo, we had just been discussing the difficulty of ensuring safe food (I brought food for DS to the cafe, he didn't eat theirs).

I only found out several days later, when DS mentioned it. This may explain the tummy ache he had for a few days.

It just makes me feel very upset. I work so hard to ensure that DS has safe food, and there is still a long way to go before all his pre-diagnosis damage is repaired and he's back to full health.

Unlikely to see this friend again for a long time (we were visiting her town, which is a long way from ours) so may not be worth raising with her. It's just another worry. I've already had the 'always ask if something is gf' conversation with DS, now I will have to have the 'who can you trust to give you an accurate answer' conversation too.

You need to be at least 60 to enjoy coffee cake It's horrible!

I dont think a child with severe allergies or coeliac disease is being faddy or paranoid.

Paranoid and faddy?! About an illness that caused my DS1 to bleed from his bottom at 5yo?! Yes, of course it is being paranoid and faddy following a restricted diet to prevent that from happening again. My mistake to think otherwise.

And of course, it is also a mistake to follow an even more restricted diet for my DS3, when one skip crisp lands him in hospital having to have adrenaline injections to keep him alice due to his Cow's Milk Protein allergy.

I'll go and tell their paediatrician and dietician that it MUST all be a mistake, I don't need to be so careful about their diet, then, shall I?

A lot of posts from those whose kids have other allergies but not those whose kids are celiac - what do those with celiacs or with kids with celiacs think about the sip of coffee thing?

Incidentallu, if my coffee had cake crumbs in it, I'd be pretty cross! Just an aside.

zookeeper to answer the question about checking with the host vs staying there it's not quite that straightforward...

With the exception of 1 party where the mum had a nephew with the same allergy and I knew her really well we always send DS with his own food. In Reception I stayed there as most other parents did, in Yr 1 I mostly hung about in the car park as DS didn't want me there, since then I've always checked with the parent if they're ok being left in charge of an epi-pen - if they are then I've gone home having double checked they are genuinely ok, if not then I sit in the carpark mumsnetting on my phone/watching movies on my ipod. In my experience most parents will say they are ok catering for DS and then wobble a few days before when they start buying stuff and reading 'may contain nuts' on the labels of everything. Hence I always offer to cater for DS myself and am always happy to take the 'actually we're really sorry, is it ok if you do send food with him' call the day before a party.

We have a variation on 'the rules' for parties:

Q - what are the rules about food?
A - NO SWAPPING
Q - what about if someone offers you something and says it's fine as it doesn't have nuts?
A - I say thank you very much but I'm fine with what I've got and don't eat it.

I was ruthless about enforcing no swapping/eating food without checking when DS was little to the extent that when he was 4 and grabbed cake (which was nut free) at a party (loads of kids swarming round the cake grabbing sweets etc off it, I couldn't get to him in time and had the luxury of knowing he would be ok), I bollocked him to within an inch of his life and we left the party immediately. It absolutely destroyed me as he sobbed all the way home...but he learned the lesson that I was totally serious about 'the rules'.

One sip of coffee would give me painful stomach cramps and unpleasant bowel - er - occurrences for at least 24hrs. I have IBS.

YANBU, OP.

Interesting - some of the responses here illuminate many of the possible things that were going through my friend's mind. I think though that it was probably just completely not thinking when she offered it - but I can't understand why, when he asked if it was gf, she didn't think again and say 'let's wait and check with your mum'. She didn't know if it was safe or not. And it wasn't.

I have not researched the gluten status of coffee (haven't needed to yet as it's hardly a necessary part of a 4-year old's diet). However, this coffee was sprinkled with chocolate powder (definitely not safe) and had sugar spooned in from an open sugar bowl on the table - again definitely not safe. And, as others had pointed out, my friend had been eating cake, so again, definitely not safe.

Makes me sad that some people are so nasty - a coeliac diet 'paranoid' and 'faddy'. I hope DS doesn't spend time around people who think this way.

i think /hope that people were addressing the paranoid and faddy bit to the people who said regardless of coeliac a 4 year old couldnt have a sip of coffee?

If they weren't that is of course nasty.

Surprised how many people think it is OK to give a 4 year old coffee - coeliac or not.I would be bloody furious if anyone had given mine coffee at that age!

And my DC's do not have unhealthy diets - tonight I made a chicken curry, with rice so no gluten, and the sauce was tinned tomatoes and fried onions with added curry spices, I then take out some for my DS3, and add nutramigen and cornflour to his bit, and I add some cream to the main dish. Bung some peas in each.

Unhealthy? No. Taking care to avoid foods that make my DC's severely ill? Yes.

if anybody gave any of my children any ammount of anything containing caffine i would reward them by making sure i spent at least the next 5 hours keeping them in our company.they would never ever do it again.

yanbu you dont give other peoples kids food/drinks other than known ok stuff or water without permission

yanbu. a few if my childrens friends have allergies and i would NEVER guve them food without checking with them first if it was ok. its just not worth the risk imo.

If you're actually very very cross about your 4 year old being given a sip of a drink with chocolate shake mix on top of it, then yanbu as that could have gluten in it and I would tell your friend as she obv didn't realise it could be a trigger (not cocoa maybe? Mine is gluten free). If it's more the coffee thing, then I still think it's somewhat unreasonable to be more than mildly annoyed. That's because I really doubt coffee is not gluten free, having lots of friends who guzzle it by the bucketload for a start. ii would still be mildly annoyed as imo coffee is something people have 'opinions' about, like coke and sausage rolls, and it's best to ask a parent first

"The diet can be cumbersome; failure to comply with the diet may cause relapse. The term gluten-free is generally used to indicate a supposed harmless level of gluten rather than a complete absence.[68] The exact level at which gluten is harmless is uncertain and controversial. A recent systematic review tentatively concluded that consumption of less than 10 mg of gluten per day is unlikely to cause histological abnormalities, although it noted that few reliable studies had been done.[68]"

This is from wikipedia so not necessarily reliable!
And even if true might not apply to young children, I'd guess.

Coeliac disease isn't quite the same as allergies that can cause anaphylaxis, as I understand it. Just as serious, ie life threatening if not treated, but not in the same way. So a sip of coffee may or may not cause pain, if it did contain gluten, depending on the person and the rest of their diet. Whereas even the sniff of nut/celery/milk to someone with a serious allergy could be potentially fatal.

scummymummy It varies hugely from one coeliac to another. In my friend's case, right after his diagnosis he found that even a miniscule amount of gluten left him miserable and suffering for weeks on end, because his insides were still so inflamed. It is only fair to assume that a coeliac consuming gluten might well be left in considerable pain for some time afterwards. Not a chance to take with a child when it could be easily avoided.

dementedma and socknickingpixie me too! Can't believe people are so blase about giving very young kids coffee! It's not as if they will be clamouring for it and saying 'all my mates have it'! No need....

Also with coeliac, it's not just the pain - it's the internal damage that even a small amount of gluten is doing to your body. Even if you don't feel any pain (and a few coeliacs never do), internal damage is being done. Among other things, that damage prevents the body absorbing essential nutrients.

At the time of diagnosis (a few months ago) my DS looked like a starving orphan from a documentary (stick legs, distended belly) because he was malnourished. He hadn't grown for over a year. It will be up to two years before the internal damage is repaired enough for him to fully absorb nutrients again. Even tiny amounts of gluten will cause further damage and interfere with his growth and development.

It's not for anyone to decide to take an unnecessary risk with his diet. Including me. When he's an adult, he can take risks if he wants. I don't think my friend would have taken the risk with her own child if she was in the same situation.

Regardless of coeliac I would also be very angry with anyone who gave dd coffee. One sip makes me have palpitations, my ears start popping and my stomach is in pain for a while. People might think that's a bit precious but I don't care, my dd's wellbeing and digestive system is more important than trying to 'toughen her up'. YANBU

bedhopper it sounds like you and your DS have had a hard tme with this. No wonder you are upset about the coffee. The people who are saying YABU have not been through what you have been through. Your friend may have made an honest mistake, but you cannot afford to take the risk of people not understanding your situation.

I think Acekicker (further up thread) has the right idea. Your DS did all the right things by asking about gluten, but it would be safer and more practical if he knew he was only to eat and drink what you give him.

My friends dd has celiacs and she cannot even touch somebody who has unsafe foods on their hands. Yes that little bit of chocolate or the fact that the mum had been eating the cake and then sipped the coffee could be bad

Poor you and ds. It sounds like the pre-diagnosis period was terrifying. I've changed my mind and think that vigilance around his diet is clearly necessary. Did your friend know about how ill he was before starting the gluten free diet?

Thank you all those with kind words and sympathy. Friend did know how ill he had been - we discussed it - but she hadn't seen him (it had been a couple of years since we met up in person) so perhaps it didn't sink in. It is hard to know what would sink in. I have said to a couple of people - think of it as rat poison that's hidden and outwardly undetectable in all sorts of everyday food. You have to be vigilant to not let any through.

Yes, I think I will have to reformulate DS's instructions. Not just to ask if it is gluten free, but who is allowed to confirm it. It can't just be me. DH as well, obviously. And my mother, who looks after him some days. And our part-time nanny, who looks after him two days a week while I work. And the school cook/his teacher (the school are being brilliant about providing properly gf meals, and his teacher has a box of 'special snacks' for him to have when other kids bring in birthday cake). So it's not a simple thing, but we will work it out.

I'm coeliac and didn't know chocolate powder stuff and open sugar bowls could contain gluten?

I don't think your friend thought it through but on reading the thread I think YABU for not insisting that your DS ask for your permission before eating or drinking anything. Lesson learnt!

I know I'd be utterly devastated if any of my dc were diagnosed as I'd feel that I'd passed on this horrible condition to them, and because I know the agony and misery of having gluten, which I'd never ever knowingly have, but it's easy to be contaminated or to have something that has had its recipe changed to contain gluten when previously it didn't.

Ps I should add that it's easy enough to remain gluten free and I'm in generally good health, but have been stung a few times and it's beyond hideous. The good news is that you get reallygood at knowing what has gluten in, even sometimes by just looking!

Coeliacs aside, I still think YANBU for being cross. I wouldn't be even slightly impressed at anyone giving my 4 year old coffee.