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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be very very upset that my friend gave my DC a sip of coffee.

108 replies

megandraper · 19/08/2012 14:47

DS is 4. He is also coeliac.

In a cafe, while I was in the loo, apparently. Friend was giving her own child a sip of coffee, and offered DS one too. DS said 'Is it gluten free?' Friend said 'Yes', and gave it to him.

I don't think you should give other people's young children coffee, but especially not when they are coeliac. Friend could not have known if the coffee was safe. Even a tiny sip of anything that has been contaminated will cause damage. It wasn't her decision to make. Before I went to the loo, we had just been discussing the difficulty of ensuring safe food (I brought food for DS to the cafe, he didn't eat theirs).

I only found out several days later, when DS mentioned it. This may explain the tummy ache he had for a few days.

It just makes me feel very upset. I work so hard to ensure that DS has safe food, and there is still a long way to go before all his pre-diagnosis damage is repaired and he's back to full health.

Unlikely to see this friend again for a long time (we were visiting her town, which is a long way from ours) so may not be worth raising with her. It's just another worry. I've already had the 'always ask if something is gf' conversation with DS, now I will have to have the 'who can you trust to give you an accurate answer' conversation too.

OP posts:

Acekicker · 19/08/2012 16:36

I'm not in a position to comment on the wisdom of the coffee either way (child of 70s who went to school on a mug of black nescafe every day from being in reception and no major direct experience of coeliacs). What I would suggest though is that notwithstanding your friend at age 4 your probably need to start drumming into your son that he doesn't eat/drink anything without first checking with you. It's great that he thought to check about the gluten but as you're finding out people are so vague about what food/drink contains it isn't really reliable.

DS is allergic to nuts and for years we've had the rule (and chanted it out in the car on our way to see people): Q: what are the rules about food? A: don't eat anything unless mummy/daddy/grandma or AuntieL say it's ok. Q: what about if someone tells you it's ok and doesn't contain nuts. A: say 'no thank you' and come and check with you.

I'm just not prepared at the moment (DS is 7) to rely on other people's judgement/assessment of what is/isn't safe for him to eat. Over time he will have to learn to find out for himself (and we're starting now with him reading labels etc and making him ask for himself in restaurants) but it takes time and in the meantime he knows not to rely on anyone other than the 4 people we've told him to.

valiumredhead · 19/08/2012 16:39

We have always done that too ace.

Now ds is 11 it is much easier as he can check labels himself.

mercibucket · 19/08/2012 16:54

First off, this is all based on something a 4 year old said several days after the event. Are you sure it happened as he said? Maybe it was a bit of froth off the top of a milky latte for example? I let my kids do that sometimes.

Secondly, on what basis are you upset? Because he is only 4? I agree, it is not a great idea to give other people's kids coffee, even if it's just a sip, but 'very very upset' is an over-reaction, understandable as you have had a hard time over his condition, but an over-reaction

Or is it because you believe coffee to not be gluten free? Where have you read that? Or that the coffee might have been cross-contaminated? Has the consultant suggested that drinks in cafes could be contaminated and so he should take his own? If so, I can see why you were cross but had you told your friend? If not, I think you need to step back a bit and take a deep breath. I agree with cailindana and scummymummy

lljkk · 19/08/2012 16:54

I am leaning towards YABU, it's only a little taste of coffee, & if he's old enough to know to ask the question he's an old enough child to (in general) have a tiny bit of coffee. What in a small sip of coffee would usually be so harmful to someone his age? Can't be the caffeine unless you find you also need to ban chocolate, Lemsip & any sodas.

& Coffee would usually be gluten free. But mostly it's a learning experience, if you're convinced he was affected. You've got to figure out how to keep on him a very strict diet, if you find he's that sensitive. He can't just ask "Is it gluten free?" and take a yes or no, he has to be much much stricter than that. Probably only eat food that he himself has provided & made from simplest ingredients. Reading labels won't be good enough.

zookeeper · 19/08/2012 16:55

Acekicker - what do you do about children's parties? Do you check with the host first or stay there?

lljkk · 19/08/2012 16:55

I presume coffee-flavoured sweets & coffee cake (even gluten free) cake would also be out, if you think a small sip of coffee is that bad for a 4yo.

EightiesChick · 19/08/2012 17:15

Seriously, people let kids drink coffee now? I can tell you that my DS on caffeine is a scary thought .

I'm with PedanticPanda from page one. My DS knows coffee as a drink expected grown ups only. I don't even give him sips of it because 1) don't see even tiny amounts of caffeine as good in a young child's diet, and 2) I don't intend to have to argue about why a sip is ok but a whole drink is not with DS.
Coffee, like coke, is something I expect parents to have strong views on - as I do myself - so I would NEVER offer one of those drinks to a child without checking first their parents were ok with that. Had this friend had the sense to do that, the gluten issue wouldn't even have been an issue.

OP, total sympathy and a YANBU from me . I have a good friend who is coeliac and I know you need always to check. Your friend's behaviour, especially just after a conversation about food safety, was idiotic.

EightiesChick · 19/08/2012 17:16

Argh, phone typing! Meant 'drink FOR grown ups only'.

VivaLeBeaver · 19/08/2012 17:18

My friend is celiac and drinks coffee all the time, never asks when we're out if the coffee is gluten free. So wouldn't cross my mind that it might not be.

Coffee's not ideal for kids because of the caffiene but one sip is not the end of the world.

Sorry but I think YABU.

CouthyMow · 19/08/2012 17:27

If anyone gave my DS3 a sip of coffee, it could kill him. Unless it was a black coffee without even a splash of milk, in a cup that hadn't previously been USED for a coffee with milk.

He is THAT allergic to CMP, like a severe nut allergy, but with anything containing Cow's Milk Protein.

He also reacts to Soya and Nuts, but surprisingly his nut allergy is the least severe of the three. Yet it is the nut allergy that everyone focusses on as being dangerous.

My two best friends will check first every time, and avoid cross contamination too. Other people, I would be horrified if they gave him something to eat without checking with me first. I would more than likely go stellar, then have a worrying hospital trip with a child in anaphylaxis.

OP, you need to have a gentle chat with your friend and explain to her that she needs to ALWAYS check with you first, as your DS is not old enough to manage his allergy alone - if he can't read, he can't manage it himself.

heymammy · 19/08/2012 17:33

tbh I wouldn't offer a child who I knew had dietary issues ANYTHING unless I ran it past their parent first, so yanbu.

The coffee may actually have been fine but what if the friend had been eating cake whilst drinking the coffee, it could easily have had floaters in it! Not something that would immediately cross your mind.

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 19/08/2012 17:35

Yabu imho. As far as I am aware, coffee is gluten free. At four your child will be going to school soon and will have to learn to manage being offered things in the playground etc etc. I am sorry that he has alergies but I think that a) you are over-reacting and b) that you need to be careful that you don't make your son scared to eat anything OR to just not tell you about it.

greenbananas · 19/08/2012 17:42

YANBU. This is not just about whether or not the coffee had gluten in it, but also about whether or not your friend should have risked offering your DS anything without checking with you first.

Like some other mums on this thread, I have a DS with severe allergies (I know this is not quite the same as being coeliac, but does involve being very careful about food). DS is nearly 4, and knows that he must not eat or drink anything that has not been checked by me or DH first (we have also designated two other people that he is allowed to trust). At his age, this is the only way to keep him safe. I don't want allergies to dominate his life, but he is too young to be making judgements for himself about who understands the risks and who doesn't.

I think it's interesting that mums with allergy issues in the family are mostly saying you are not being unreasonable, while many others are saying unsympathetic things like "it's only coffee". Just goes to show how many adults do not 'get' how important it is to watch over dietary issues carefully.

greenbananas · 19/08/2012 17:43

Remus, perhaps the best way to deal with being offered things in the playground is always to turn them down with thanks. When you have serious dietary issues, it's safer to stick to what you know is okay. That way you don't end up seeing food as an enemy.

CouthyMow · 19/08/2012 17:59

As someone else mentioned, it's the issue of cross contamination that is the problem with a shared coffee when you are coeliac. Obviously it depends on severity, but even a cake crumb or two floating in the coffee would have my DS1 doubled over in agony for a day or two.

Rubirosa · 19/08/2012 18:00

If the child was under 2, I could understand you being a bit upset. But a 4 year old? A sip of coffee isn't really a problem, it's not vodka!

As for the coeliac thing, I would have assumed coffee was gluten free too, so maybe your friend made a mistake there. I think you will have to find a way round that though, because most people will only think of things obviously containing wheat. If your son is going to ask "is that gluten free?" then people will only be able to answer to the best of their knowledge.

CouthyMow · 19/08/2012 18:00

By 6yo, my DS1 could manage his diet. At 4/5yo, not so much.

valiumredhead · 19/08/2012 18:01

Exactly!

CouthyMow · 19/08/2012 18:04

Rubirosa - in that case, if it is not something OBVIOUSLY containing wheat or other gluten (barley and oats also contain gluten FYI), then the person wanting to offer should err on the side of caution and ask the child's parents if the child is under 6/7-ish yo.

Once a child can read fluently, they should be able to manage their dietary restrictions themselves. Before that, they just can't, and in cases where people are unsure, they should consult the child's main carer.

lljkk · 19/08/2012 18:16

(I) don't see even tiny amounts of caffeine as good in a young child's diet

So not even chocolate, right? And when is a child old enough to have chocolate, then?

lljkk · 19/08/2012 18:17

Oh, and coffee cake. As in cakes in a bakery that taste like coffee & might even have a bit of the real stuff in them. How old does a child need to be to have some of that, too?

ToothbrushThief · 19/08/2012 18:26

It's amazing to me that I survived growing up as a child in the 60s

Today we are so paranoid and faddy about what passes our lips, yet children are probably the unhealthiest (dietwise) than they have been for years.

YABU.

PurpleRayne · 19/08/2012 18:30

Coffee products can contain gluten. I am still astonished after many years of label-reading that certain things contain gluten,.

Your friend couldn't know without checking the source. Sensitivity varies; one sip can indeed cause upset for days. She obviously doesn't realise her mistake, you should educate her, nicely.

PurpleRayne · 19/08/2012 18:33

Coeliac isn't a fad or lifestyle choice. It is an autoimmune disorder which causes damage to the gut. It is very important that a gluten-free diet is followed for life.

bubalou · 19/08/2012 18:36

I don't give a fuck if coffee is gluten free or not. Id be fuming if some gave my DS - also 4 coffee.

A bit of cake, a sneaky treat is 1 thing - I hate it when people take it upon themselves to feed my kids things they know I wouldn't let them when I'm not there (have had previous angst with mil giving DS fizzy from the age of 2 behind my back!)

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