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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up of being called fat?

102 replies

olympicblues · 19/08/2012 13:25

My mum used to be very slim but has thyroid problems and is very overweight (22-24) and feeling bad about it, I am a size 12 - 14.

I keep getting comments about

"Your going like me"
"You need to go to x to loose your weight"
"WE need to do something about this weight"
" We look like two [insert fat insult here]"
Other fat insults.

Its getting me down!

OP posts:
lubeybooby · 19/08/2012 13:28

Get her to look at herself next to you in a mirror. So she can see her actual size. Seems she has a skewed image of herself and she's being very rude and out of order.

mummyinspain · 19/08/2012 13:29

Sorry blues she is projecting.

I would go with a firm. Mum I love you, but you I am NOT fat"

There are other variations you can use.

If none of that works I would go for direct.

Mum I love you, I am sorry you are unhappy, but I am NOT fat and you are being rude comparing us please stop it.

ILoveStripeySocks · 19/08/2012 13:29

She sounds petrified that you will end up her like her, and she is not happy with how she looks, I feel the same about my DDs, I wuld hate them tobe big like me, and miserable!

frazzledbutcalm · 19/08/2012 13:31

Tell her straight that you don't like what she's saying. If you're happy with your weight and size that's all that matters. If your mum's not happy about her size then only she can do something about that. Her thyroid should be controlled with medication which stops the weight gain so maybe she's simply eating wrong...
My mum has thyroid problems and she get blood tests often to make sure her medication levels are right. She often goes in between appointments as she knows they're wrong - either she starts to get extremely tired or she starts to lose/put on weight .. I really don't think your mum's thyroid is the real cause of her size. Maybe she's talking like this to you as it's her way of asking for help?

WorraLiberty · 19/08/2012 13:38

I think she just doesn't want you to get to her size and perhaps she sees you as being 'on the way' to it.

If you're genuinely happy with your weight then ignore her.

pumpkinsweetie · 19/08/2012 13:40

My estranged mil was very much like your mum, a size 24 (probably bigger) didn't like her own weight but instead of doing something about it, she projected her frustrations out on others and called my dh jellybelly & teletubbie, called my pint sized 14yo niece ineed of losing a few pounds, said my size 8 mother had sprayed her jeans on for them to fit Shock.
I would tell her the comments she is making are hurting you and you are very happy with your size. 12-14 is perfectly healthy size, her size is not she should not be comparing it at all.

WorraLiberty · 19/08/2012 13:47

With respect pumpkin no-one here knows how tall the OP is or what her BMI is.

It's a healthy size for some, but for example it wouldn't be for me.

marriedinwhite · 19/08/2012 13:52

I have had thyroid problems for 20 years. I am over 50 with two teenage children. I have had a difficult menopause and am on HRT. In the last four years I have put on 2 stone. (For me that's just over my bmi and a very tight size 14). I have been going to weightwatchers since the middle of June and have lost 11lb. I was making excuses to myself about thyroid, age, hormones, etc. Actually I was overeating and drinking too much wine (not alchy levels but often a third glass).

I am turning it round now and it's not too difficult because I wasn't too out of hand and I am quite forthright and confident (anyone on Mnet noticed).

Why don't you just say to your mum "yes we do both need to do something about it, come on mum let's join weightwatchers together". It sounds like a cry for help to me - hear the cry and help your mum and get yourself back into a size 12 at the same time

SrirachaGirl · 19/08/2012 13:58

That's a good idea, Married. Ignore the insulting comments or gently call her on it but offering to go to WW with her might give her the incentive she needs to do something constructive instead of putting others down. Even if you're not looking to lose weight, WW is a pretty healthy approach to making good food and lifestyle choices.

carabos · 19/08/2012 14:11

My MiL (5ft tall and size 18) once offered to lend me (5ft 4 and size 8) an item of clothing because we are "the same size". She was offended and upset when the gathered family burst out laughing but she sure didn't do it again.

Your DM needs a similar shock. She is in denial.

AGilchrist · 19/08/2012 14:21

I think married could be on to something. Sounds like she is wanting a 'dieting partner'.

AGilchrist · 19/08/2012 14:21

Although you can't be it if you don't want/ need to lose weight.

hmc · 19/08/2012 14:25

She might be coming from a good place - i.e. has experienced first hand how prejudiced society is about obesity and just wants to make sure you don't go the same way. She has a very ham fisted way of going about it though. I used to be obese and was miserable when formerly 4 stones overweight so consequently I do worry about dd, who whilst a healthy normal weight at age 10 ( due to my vigilance largely) has an insatiable appetite.....I worry less about ds who always stops eating when satisfied and frequently declines pudding, cake etc. I think you should just tell her that you don't appreciate her comments and can manage your own weight / health issues

hmc · 19/08/2012 14:25

might

Viviennemary · 19/08/2012 14:30

I think she is just concerned that you will end up overweight as she is obviously worried about her own weight. Work out your BMI and quote this at her. And say Mum I am at a healthy weight please stop worrying.

Original poster
olympicblues · 19/08/2012 15:16

Thanks all, I do agree it's probably she's worried about me going same way. I have offered to go to ballroom dancing classes with her as I know she wants to go.

OP posts:
LRDtheFeministDragon · 19/08/2012 15:22

I agree she might be hoping for you to help her diet. But it would still get me down, if I'm being honest.

I'm sure you could quote your BMI to her or tell her how happy you are, and that might stop her commenting, but it probably won't stop her feeling upset. It must be pretty tough to suddenly put on so much weight, even the most well adjusted person might easily have issues about themselves.

Why not be blunt and say to her is she trying to hint about a diet buddy, and if so, you'd like to help though you don't want to lose weight, just to maintain a healthy weight?

Empusa · 19/08/2012 15:32

MIL does this, she is much bigger than me. Always has been.

Silly thing is she knows I was slim until I suffered an injury which left me almost bed ridden for a year, and with limited mobility since. Sometimes DH will take her shopping and pick up our shopping while he is at it, and she'll forbid him buying things that I've specifically asked for as I've "put on too much weight" Angry Luckily he tells her to shut up.

TiddlyBears · 19/08/2012 15:53

My dad is a big chap. I used to be slim but my weight does fluctuate (currently for the bigger). Dad points it out every time I see him, last time he did this I reminded him that the tot bouncing on his knee had been born from me only 3 months previously. It hurts but I genuinely believe he does it out of concern of me turning into him and enduring the difficulties (diabetes, heart problems, mobility troubles) that he is facing. Could it be the same for your mum?

carernotasaint · 19/08/2012 16:27

In my experience people dont leave you the fuck alone even once youve slimmed down. I went from a size 28 down to a 12. And then i had people saying stuff to me like "oh dont eat that youll get fat again" and my mum then gave me a size 10 skirt which was too tight. Unfortunately im currently a size 18 but this time im trying to lose weight for my health not my dress size. In my view if my dress size is so conducive to whether you like me or not or want to spend time in my company
then i dont like you or want to spend time in yours!
Obvs im talking hypothetically. That isnt aimed at anyone on this thread.

SoleSource · 19/08/2012 16:32

I lost ten stones and the comments I received sete mainly vompliments but consr tant questions about method I used got medown. I wish I could hide weight loss butimpossible. Otjers complimenting or otherwisw
E on a person with an eating disorder is unbeknown to them fucking annoying and rude. I dread it.

Chandon · 19/08/2012 16:37

Annoying, OP.

I get called fat and flabby and squishy by my not so lovely DC...

Have told them to stop it.

I wear size 12/14 like you, so I know I am not really fat at 6 ft, yet I do feel flubby and hate comments.

Your mum is projecting, tell her off!

carernotasaint · 19/08/2012 16:41

What really annoys me is the insistence of society of looks and weight is all that a woman should be about. Watch any famous woman or actress being interviewed on tv or in most magazines (not all Psychologies doesnt do this) and rather than her talent or acheivements the conversation will always be steered round to the latest diet shes been on or whether she believes in cosmetic surgery etc. Even if shes just won an award or gold medal or written a fantastic book they never seem to focus on that actual acheivement for long without steering the conversation back to looks and weight.

carernotasaint · 19/08/2012 16:46

Sole Source i know how you feel. I lost ten stones and it was all anybody wanted to talk about. I wanted to talk about other things like books and culture and music and someone else would ALWAYS steer the conversation back to my weight. How i control myself at times i really dont know.

SoleSource · 19/08/2012 16:53

One ex friend stated I have an obligationto tell others about my weight lofss. Just part of her poison. Glad she is out of my life now.

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