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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DP to give up sport?

85 replies

Woopdiedoo · 18/08/2012 22:33

I don't know if I am being reasonable or not hear, I am genuinely wanting opinions on this.

I have been with DP for 11 years and when I met him he played cricket. Since then he has played most years but not every year. When we had the DCs he didn't play for a few years. But he resumed this year without discussing it with me.

My problem is that the season starts in march (with training or netting as they call it) and doesn't finish until September. He plays every Saturday without fail. It starts at about lunchtime and goes on all day. Another problem I have is that often if the game finishes at say 7 or 8 giving him enough time to come home and help put the DCs to bed, he will stay for 'a drink'. More often than not, one drink ends up with him stating out all night and not returning home until 2 or 3 in the morning. Like tonight for example. I am seething as I've had the DCs all day on my own (he had to work this morning) and now he isn't even answering his phone Sad.

We have argued ALOT over this. I don't feel like it is fair on any of us. I absolutely hate weekends as inevitably I am left to entertain the DCs with no help. I am a SAHM but during the week I can take the DCs to free groups. There is nothing like this on the weekends. Plus we can't have family days out as every weekend is taken up by cricket.

Every weekend I end up telling him I can't do it anymore and that I want him to quit but he talks me round. I know he works hard during the week and he says he needs time to do something for himself and see friends plus there's the exercise argument (largely negated by the drinking) Confused. He often argues that as he played when we met I should expect him to keep playing, but I feel that things do and should change once you have DCs (they certainly have hit me!). Incidentally, my social life is impacted too because I can't see my friends until he comes home to watch the DCs (at about 8 in the evening).

He wants to play again next year but I think he is being unfair. Or AIBU to expect him to give up his sport which he loves?

OP posts:
Original poster
Woopdiedoo · 18/08/2012 22:34

Sorry for spelling mistakes, I'm tired and upset Sad.

OP posts:
SuperB0F · 18/08/2012 22:36

I don't think you're being unreasonable. It's not his job, he's not professional. It's a time-consuming hobby, and he is neglecting his responsibilities.

whois · 18/08/2012 22:37

Well...

Sounds like it is the staying out late drinking with friends, and the lack of time with you/DCs that is actually the problem?

I think it would be U to ask him to give up playing, but absolutely NOT u to expect him home bloody pronto after the match and not stay out once it finishes.

mymatemax · 18/08/2012 22:37

i think it would be more than reasonable for him to not play maybe once a month so that you can have some time together, have you asked him to not stay for a drink every week?
Sounds like a bit of comprimise is needed by both

GhostShip · 18/08/2012 22:39

What a sod.

He's well within his rights to have hobbies, but not if it's leaving you like that, neglecting parental responsibilities and taking up so much time.

LaurieFairyCake · 18/08/2012 22:40

How long til the kids go with him and join juniors?

I agree that you should expect him home after the match.

I also think you should get equal leisure time so what classes/gym/nights out do you get during the week?

CrispyCod · 18/08/2012 22:40

Every week is a bit much when you've got kids.

WilfSell · 18/08/2012 22:40

Tough one. I think you should probably take something up this year that takes you out every Saturday between September and March, and see how it goes or him? Grin I'm sure you can find a course or workshop or summat.

More seriously, I think he needs to compromise, not just for you, but for your kids. Does he do stuff with them on Sundays? But equally, frankly, he sounds like he has an assumption that you 'should' fit round him because he is earning a wage. You may have assented to this one way or another. Perhaps you need to have a more serious chat about your shared relationship and parenting values and expectations?

AgentZigzag · 18/08/2012 22:41

You need to be firmer with him, and he needs to stop being such a selfish idiot.

Things change over 11 years and he shouldn't just brush off something which upsets you so much.

Is it all or nothing and he'd have to give it up if he didn't put all his time into it?

civilfawlty · 18/08/2012 22:42

Why don't you take up a hobby on a Sunday and do to him exactly what he is doing to you. I'd have thought two or three consecutive Sundays would be enough to ram the point home. If not, carry on til he gets it. Obvs don't let him know it is a temporary thing.

YANBU btw.

thenightsky · 18/08/2012 22:42

Are you in Yorkshire? In Yorkshire it is normal for wives to turn up for Saturday afternoon all day matches with hoards of DC in tow. Cricket is for families in Yorkshire.

Annunziata · 18/08/2012 22:42

Asking him to stop playing would BU, asking him to stop drinking afterwards isn't. Do they have to go together?

Level3at6months · 18/08/2012 22:43

My DP is very sporty - runs, bikes, swims and takes up a lot of time doing it. I used to resent it a lot but as time has gone by I've come to realise that it's not worth arguing about. He needs time to do it, and if he doesn't then he's grumpy and fairly useless, so better to let him burn off his energy and make sure I get time to do what I want too.
I think YABU to ask him to give up - it isn't all year, it isn't all weekend, it only impacts on your social life the one day. I'm sure lots of posters will think YANBU though.

kim147 · 18/08/2012 22:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SirBoobAlot · 18/08/2012 22:48

Thing is its not just a few hours to himself, is it? Its a whole day and night, and I'm guessing if he is coming home that late, he certainly won't be the one getting up with the kids in the morning.

Think you need to discuss the boundries with him. Cricket, fine, getting pissed every week and being old for the entire time? Not so fine.

I don't think YABU at all.

Original poster
Woopdiedoo · 18/08/2012 22:48

He says 'the team need me' when I ask him not to go every weekend. I think they have to go to a certain number of games in order to be selected for the next game IYSWIM.

I have no hobbies at all, the DCs are my entire life. He argues that I get to see my friends at play groups but these are only mum friends and not my long standing friends who I very rarely see and he makes it difficult with the cricket Angry.

I wanted to join a slimming club but he finishes work too late for me to do that. I like the suggestion of a hobby though. I have also asked him to play on a Sunday but then he would have to play for the lower team do he wouldn't do that either. Sometimes we do things in a Sunday but usually he is hungover and I am pissed off with him. Generally I use Sunday's to visit my family too and get away from him.

He nags me all the time to take the DCs and watch him play but the women there seem cliquey and I think it would just be hard work trying to keep youngest DC off the pitch and I would rather watch paint dry than watch cricket.

OP posts:
McHappyPants2012 · 18/08/2012 22:49

Compromise and say every other Saturday or he stays home once a month.

Original poster
Woopdiedoo · 18/08/2012 22:49

X-post. Yes, one of the biggest issues for me is how much time it takes. If it was football which lasts a couple of hours then there wouldn't be as big an issue.

OP posts:
UniS · 18/08/2012 22:50

where do you live that your DP has managed to play cricket every Saturday this season? round here about 60% of games have been rained off this summer. DH has played in one match.... I think the boy has managed more cricket than DH. the kids keep going in the rain on youth cricket training evening.

Do you ever take the DCs to watch a game. Boy learnt to walk, kick a ball and then ride his bike at a cricket club. Nags his dad into the nets for a bit of batting practice while DH is waiting to bat, nags me into catching practice while DH is fielding.

I figured I could be a cricket widow and resent something that DH enjoys a lot, or I could embrace it as part of our family life. Glad I chose to like it. Boy likes it too and its done wonders for his basic PE skills.

AgentZigzag · 18/08/2012 22:50

'I've come to realise that it's not worth arguing about. He needs time to do it, and if he doesn't then he's grumpy and fairly useless'

Someone tantruming every time something they don't like being talked about is mentioned and who's in an arse and sulking if they don't get their own way would fuck me off no end.

BlinkersOn · 18/08/2012 22:52

How is he the rest of the week? Do you get to go out on your own without him and DC's?

I think I agree with the others that perhaps he could still play but skip the drinking. The argument that he has always played is stupid, he may have always played but he hasn't always had a family. I also agree with the other posters who suggest going along with the the DC's to watch the match. They are usually really friendly and good fun.

My DH is sports mad, sometimes it's a bit much but I think it's not the worst vice too have.

Original poster
Woopdiedoo · 18/08/2012 22:53

Ooh missed that nightsky - yes, Yorkshire Grin. Many of the players have their long suffering wives in tow plus all the kids but it doesn't appeal to me. I don't like the drinking around the DCs. He always says its a family environment, but there'd be hell on if I took them to a pub that late at night while I proceeded to get pissed Confused.

OP posts:
kim147 · 18/08/2012 22:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WilfSell · 18/08/2012 22:57

I suspect he needs to spend a few full days on his own with his children before he fully understands how stupid the claim 'you get to see your friends at playgroup' is...

Does he ever take his kids out for a whole day on his own? Does he see you and your needs for a break from your kids as important?

Original poster
Woopdiedoo · 18/08/2012 22:58

We have two DDs who are a bit young to get involved yet. He has taken our eldest DD and she has made a friend there but when he stays to drink he doesn't come back for her.

I don't really do anything for myself. I suppose that's part of the problem and I am beginning to resent him for the time he has to himself. I don't want to sound like a martyr or anything but I do like being with the DCs, I just wished he would be there to go places with us. Especially as DD2 is at an awkward age and VERY headstrong.

OP posts: