To ask DP to give up sport?

[Woopdiedoo]

I don't know if I am being reasonable or not hear, I am genuinely wanting opinions on this.

I have been with DP for 11 years and when I met him he played cricket. Since then he has played most years but not every year. When we had the DCs he didn't play for a few years. But he resumed this year without discussing it with me.

My problem is that the season starts in march (with training or netting as they call it) and doesn't finish until September. He plays every Saturday without fail. It starts at about lunchtime and goes on all day. Another problem I have is that often if the game finishes at say 7 or 8 giving him enough time to come home and help put the DCs to bed, he will stay for 'a drink'. More often than not, one drink ends up with him stating out all night and not returning home until 2 or 3 in the morning. Like tonight for example. I am seething as I've had the DCs all day on my own (he had to work this morning) and now he isn't even answering his phone .

We have argued ALOT over this. I don't feel like it is fair on any of us. I absolutely hate weekends as inevitably I am left to entertain the DCs with no help. I am a SAHM but during the week I can take the DCs to free groups. There is nothing like this on the weekends. Plus we can't have family days out as every weekend is taken up by cricket.

Every weekend I end up telling him I can't do it anymore and that I want him to quit but he talks me round. I know he works hard during the week and he says he needs time to do something for himself and see friends plus there's the exercise argument (largely negated by the drinking) . He often argues that as he played when we met I should expect him to keep playing, but I feel that things do and should change once you have DCs (they certainly have hit me!). Incidentally, my social life is impacted too because I can't see my friends until he comes home to watch the DCs (at about 8 in the evening).

He wants to play again next year but I think he is being unfair. Or AIBU to expect him to give up his sport which he loves?

First off, I don't have DC so can't comment on that though as DP and I both work full time, often with travel & have quite a few other commitments I'd also be a bit if he was out from early until 2am every Saturday for half the year.

I can I think comment on the suggestions that you all go out an make a day of it at the cricket. I think that could be fun & you might make some great friends doing so (although it does take time & effort to join and established group) but it's not really something for you / your family - it's a comprise for your DH, so i still think he sould make a similar compromise.

Whether that's making sure he's up and alert for Sunday family days out or getting home on time for you to take an evening class, taking responsibility for the children to ensure you can see friends. It doesn't sound as though he's doing any of that.

When I met DP I ran regularly with a club, doing races and half marathons, swam at least once a week, went to the cinema at least once a week to support my interest in film, attended weekly French evening classes, and went away hill-walking at least one weekend each month. If i didn't get enough exercise i'd feel uncomfortable, restless and unhappy. I see some of these activities as integral to and expressions of my identity.

He knew all this when we got together.

Does that mean it is reasonable for me to expect to be able to devote the same amount of time to these activities as I did when single, now that we have a child? No.

Does this mean that it is reasonable for me to presume that my need for exercise and for the mental and social stimulation that these activities offer is more important than his time doing his exercise and other activities, or our time together with dd as a family? No.

So would declaring unilaterally that i will be devoting a significant portion of every weekend to these activities be reasonable? No.

Does it mean that he should understand that these activities are important to me and work with me to accommodate them, fairly, along with his own, in our family life, through careful planning and negotiation? Yes.

Would either of us see acting the WAG to the other's activity as an acceptable substitute for our own activity? No way. It might offer some semblance of joint family time if the activity suited this and both parents could enjoy it but recognising the extent to which the parenting was actually being shared.

So, you would be unreasonable to ask to give up sport entirely. You would be entirely reasonable to expect him to negotiate his 'me' time with you, on the basis that you have equal 'me' time and that shared, enjoyable, family time must also be accommodated and (I think) sometimes takes precedence.

I do think there's a massive double standard in operation in this society about sport and 'me' time. There also exists an assumption in many people's minds that SAHM means 'primary career 24/7', unless an exceptional release from duty is granted, not, as I understand it 'my job during business hours is child care' with parenting at evenings and weekends shared. For those reasons your post, as one example, makes me very cross in a much more general sense.

I think you are both being a bit unreasonable. A fair compromise can be reached here - I don't think he should have to give up his sport (no way on earth would I gve mine up) but he could play saturday, come home at a reasonable time, have an evening with you, or you go out saturday evening, and then do something as a family on a sunday.

Great post Lottie

Yes good post Lottie.

tbh the feminist part of me is rather shocked at all the people advocating WAGishness. Seriously, just being the wife of someone who likes cricket isn't the same as liking cricket - and why should the OP spend half her weekend bored to tears? It isn't a family event if the mum of the family hates it!

OP if I were you I would ask him to start coming home earlier at least two weekdays and on Saturdays. I would then join your slimming club or start a new sport. Two evenings a week plus Sundays is reasonable. Start competitive swimming, maybe! Then if he likes he can spend Sunday in the spectators' gallery at the local pool, keeping the DDs amused with crisps and chatting to the other OHs. Do you reckon he'd be up for that? If not, well, he knows what he can do.......

Possibly just me, but if DH ever described me as a WAG he'd be under the patio.

Thank you everybody for the replies, there are done very different opinions on this but I think by and large everyone thinks that the drinking is a bit much.

He ended up coming home at 2am. I made him sleep in DDs bed after letting her fall asleep in my bed. He's been tired and grumpy all day. Another weekend ruined by his selfishness. I did however, get a long lie in as he couldn't sleep in DDs bed .

I think part if the issue is that he views the cricket as a way to socialise so in dubious that it's just about the sport but I may be wrong. Also, the issue about going to the club with him isn't just about the WAGs being cliquey, it's also that I don't feel like its a suitable environment for our young DCs given all the drinking. Whilst I can see where people are coming from saying that I should just embrace it, I also feel its unfair that our family time should revolve around DP's hobby.

I am willing to compromise with him on it though and agree to go some of the time if he agrees to compromise and get our family/me/his time balance back to a more harmonious balance.

Thanks again for everyone's input, it has been very helpful to have some suggestions and other perspectives on this and has made me look at the surrounding issues such as the lack of time to myself and away from the home and DCs.

This is why I love this forum and have become totally addicted in the short time since joining .

surely they don't really drink DURING the match do they? i mean the players and wives? who generally drives home?

i reckon those who have children at the match with them will drink far less afterwards (just one probably) and then head home. I'd go along and hand him the youngest as soon as the match finishes - he can stay for a drink while entertaining the toddler or you can all head home together

maybe if you can break his drinking habit after the game then you wont' even need to go to every match but could visit your parents or whatever instead. and if he wasn't hung over on sundays then i'm sure that these saturdays would be quite easy to accommodate.

If you play cricket then during the season you have to commit to weekly matches, you can't just go once a month, it's a team sport and you are either in the team or you aren't.
I never did the cricket wife thing though and just went to the occasional match on a sunny day. I do have my own hobbies though as do the kids and my husband didn't do the cricket socialising thing, just nets every week or 2 as well.
All sporting hobbies are time consuming.
I'd hate to have a bloke who had no hobbies and just mooched around the house all day.

Surely the obvious solution is for you to do the equivalent on Sunday. Take yourself off for the entire day and evening, every week, leaving him to look after the kids. You may want family time but it seems unlikely to happen.

I agree with everybody saying that the drinking afterwards is the issue, not the sport. One drink it fair enough, it takes what, 20 minutes? But coming home at 2am is really not on.

However, I think the other issue is you not having a life outside of the children. Everybody needs this and of course you end up resentful of your husband's cricket because you have nothing.

I don't have a husband or partner but I still make very sure that the children are not my whole life. There's a trade off. For example, they do dancing/musical theatre all Saturday afternoon so I make it a priority to be at the theatre school if they need me. But I do amdram on a Monday so they have to bring their toys/homework/books etc and watch me. They do gymnastics on a Tuesday and Thursday while I do marking in the parents area, I go to gym classes early on several evenings while they go into the gym childcare.

Lots of give and take is the key. It can be done with children so, I would have thought (no experience!) it can be done with a man.