To ask DP to give up sport?

[Woopdiedoo]

I don't know if I am being reasonable or not hear, I am genuinely wanting opinions on this.

I have been with DP for 11 years and when I met him he played cricket. Since then he has played most years but not every year. When we had the DCs he didn't play for a few years. But he resumed this year without discussing it with me.

My problem is that the season starts in march (with training or netting as they call it) and doesn't finish until September. He plays every Saturday without fail. It starts at about lunchtime and goes on all day. Another problem I have is that often if the game finishes at say 7 or 8 giving him enough time to come home and help put the DCs to bed, he will stay for 'a drink'. More often than not, one drink ends up with him stating out all night and not returning home until 2 or 3 in the morning. Like tonight for example. I am seething as I've had the DCs all day on my own (he had to work this morning) and now he isn't even answering his phone .

We have argued ALOT over this. I don't feel like it is fair on any of us. I absolutely hate weekends as inevitably I am left to entertain the DCs with no help. I am a SAHM but during the week I can take the DCs to free groups. There is nothing like this on the weekends. Plus we can't have family days out as every weekend is taken up by cricket.

Every weekend I end up telling him I can't do it anymore and that I want him to quit but he talks me round. I know he works hard during the week and he says he needs time to do something for himself and see friends plus there's the exercise argument (largely negated by the drinking) . He often argues that as he played when we met I should expect him to keep playing, but I feel that things do and should change once you have DCs (they certainly have hit me!). Incidentally, my social life is impacted too because I can't see my friends until he comes home to watch the DCs (at about 8 in the evening).

He wants to play again next year but I think he is being unfair. Or AIBU to expect him to give up his sport which he loves?

Agent... The red stains to the right of his white cricket trouser zip is the give-away

Agent - I don't understand what you mean about the registration number? Not been here long so still things I don't understand.

I bloody hope he's playing or I've been washing his cricket whites for nothing . But it might explain the grass stains . Seriously though, I know some of the WAGs who tell me he's been there.

I think if he has Saturdays to himself, you should take Sundays. If you can't visualise doing anything but with the family, then you probably really need Sundays to yourself .

Let him try it and see how reasonable he thinks you're being.

Follow Quints advice and find something to do for every Saturday fir the next 6 months. The DCs will probably enjoy spending some quality time with their dad.

I think YABU to ask him to give up his sport. I have a sporting hobby which I do every week and I would be furious if anyone told me I had to give it up, it needs the weekly practice and team effort so couldn't drop back to fewer sessions. It has health and social benefits and it's not fair to deny someone that. He did give it up for a few years when the dc were small so he has already made sacrifices.

The nights out sound like the real problem here, there's no need to him to stay out after every session. I also agree you need to develop your own hobby and should find something for yourself that you can do every Sunday while he has the dc!

Thanks again for the further replies. Just to clarify mands, he gave up for a few years due to a leg injury and when DC1 was young. They are still young, DD2 is only 18 months. But I do appreciate what you are saying. I just wish is didn't take all bloody day. Having said that though, he could have played Sunday for the lower team as I would have been do much happier with that but he refused.

Everybody has been right though, there are 2 main issues, the drinking and the lack of time for my own interests.

Yabu to ask him to quit something he has always done.
But seriously, all day every week is shit.
Its not really compatible for family life. I also thinking the drinking is a big issue. As is the fact that you get no time.
I would be retry losses if dh committed to something that would take up half the weekend, every week.

I think I would be peeved too. I had an ex that did this while trying to insist I look after his kids (not mine) for the day. His ex wife actually sided with him and not me and she told me I was unreasonable to not look after her kids whilst he didn't want them and neither did she! I out my foot down and they ended up hanging around him being bored all day.

There needs to be a compromise found. If he's working long days during the week, Saturday morning then hungover on a Sunday,then that can't be good for family life to have no quality family time at all for half the year.

Maybe you could try going along one day per month for a few hours and he could agree to stay home one day per month?

I understand his wish to play cricket but YADNBU to expect him to come home directly after the game. Once anyone is a parent he/she has to make compromises and that should be his at the very least.

You'll be a lot happier with your life if you got an outside-the-home hobby.

Fwiw I disagree with Quint on it just being stood with a bat in your hand all day. DH is a bowler and so probably runs equivalent of 5-10 miles depending on his run up.

I agree with going up and watching. I'm a WAG and spend a lot of time socialising with the others. However it's slightly different in that I was in to cricket before DH came to this club.

Quite often DH has sat and sun matches and even Tuesdays in June and July. Next year we will be compromising and he won't be playing as much although I'm happy with important cup matches etc.

In our case, 8 out of 18 matches have been rained off this season. Some of these were started and not finished, some not even started.

I think that he should play cricket but there is no need to stay for drinks. I also think that you need a similar interest and he needs to look after the DCs while you do it.

If he stays for drinks get him to arrange a babysitter and then you can join him.

Take the DCs to the cricket match.

I would go to watch, then as soon as the match finished leave sans dc. Tell him you'll see him at home. Then go to the flicks and turn your phone off.

I have a sport mad dp, he's a pita when he doesn't get any exercise (mind you, we're talking 20 mile runs on a Sunday morning!) and, while YABU to demand he gives up completely, YANBU to be thoroughly pissed off at the lack of respect he's showing you.

Feel free to point at me and laugh in about 6 months time. PFB is due in early December and we have a plan of how to fit dp's running in with the baby... It involves some long walks, a sling and a rota

can he take the kids out on a sunday afternoon to give you some time to yourself, maybe you should start a hobby/yoga/gym class where he has to look after the kids. I think it is reasonable that he should be allowed to play cricket on an afternoon but there is no need for it to go on half the evening unless you and kids go and get your tea etc. My dh does his hobbies, for example I moved house while he was away for the day doing his hobby but if I want to do any gym classes/ night out with friends he looks after dd for me without question.

I come at it from the other angle.

You knew he played sport when you hooked up with him. Therefore it is unreasonable to expect him to stoop playing. Most sports are sociable and a lads thing and you would expect a certain amount of after match drinking to go on. But not till the silly hours of the morning.

DH always played football but it was a morning game of a Sunday, swift half cough in the pub and home for Sunday lunch - those were the days when you have very short opening hours.

DS2 plays cricket, and it is a time sucker. Be grateful it is only a short season, unlike football that goes on.... and on.... and on.... Or it could be worse - he might take up golf and you get woken by the stumbling foot at 5am looking for this and that coz it's an early round.

No sane person would put up with what I put up with - but on the other hand he's always very appreciative that I'm not like some of his mates wives who try every angle to curtail their own DH sports activites. And I do always get "we aren't soing anything this weekend, don't mind if I have a round of golf do you?". It's a courtesy thing, we go through the dance, he asks, I say I don't mind.

Having said all that, DH has never been a big drinker. I've never seen him drunk, tipsy once or twice, but never drunk.

Once the season is over, I agree that you should take up a hobby . How about a spa hobby with a friend? Out all day Saturday, overnight hotel stay, back Sunday lunchtime to help with kids. Or visits to the friends you don't get to see -again, out all day Saturday , out for a drink, and stay over. Every weekend for several weeks. Don't seethe, show what it's like.

You need to have as much 'you' time as he has 'him' time

I'm with jumping through more hoops. It isn't the cricket that's the problem, it's the drinking. If I were you, I would take the dc to watch the last over and to have a treaty drink with crisps and then suggest it's hometime. That would be my compromise. The nagging won't work; he may go for one, have two and think "I'm in for it anyway so may as well stay now".

You do also need to take up an interest of your own and arrange for him to be available once a week for childcare. And there are things you can do with children on Saturdays: park, soft play, children's movie showing, eked out trip/treat to McDonalds.

I do sympathise because when ours were young my dh was either at sport (football - every single Saturday - not as long I know), cricket, sailing or usually working. I felt that because he was the one with the full time job and I was a SAHM with all my time for me and the dc, that he needed the release that sport gave. As soon as DS was big enough he started going to football with his dad, leaving me just dd to look after go shopping with. As DS got bigger still, DH threw himself into supporting his sporting activities - cricket, rugby, football - much of the training, lots of the umpiring, and on all the sidelines. They still fit football in whenever they can around DS's fixtures but sometimes have to miss it - some neighbours champ for their season tickets when they can't go.

Every cloud has a silver lining OP.

When I met dh he was captain of the cricket team, and I soon realised i never saw him on Saturdays in the summer.

When we got married, he gave up cricket and took up golf. He plays up to 5 times a week, but goes at 8 in the morning, back by 2.... So I would always have Saturday afternoons off.

He has always spent lots of time with the dcs...he is usually home by 5pm.

He now plays golf, sails, goes to the gym...but I do things as well.
So it's not a problem as he has always done his share. If I'm honest, I deliberately made myself boring mummy so they veered towards him for activities.
I didn't mind watching ds playing football, but have never been to see him play him cricket in 6 years as I hate it. Thank goodness he has now given up cricket for golf.

with my user name it is obvious that I am going to have an opinion on this ....

Every cricket ground I have ever been to (there is a lot!) there are always wifes/gf and loads of children. The children all play together, the wifes occasionally look at the game get told if they have to say good shot or not laugh at the dropped catch but generally for those not playing it is a social occasion. The players if they are not batting often are given the pushchairs to walk around the ground with and yes, those without the wife's/children will stop later than others and keep the bar going those whose family are with them will not stop for long.

You said earlier in the thread op that you felt the other wifes were 'cliquey' but maybe that's because you are never there and haven't formed a relationship with you (or they think that you are above them because you don't go). If you actually spent time there then I am sure this will change very quickly.

Your dh has asked you to go and take the dc (it is easier than you think to keep them off the ground) and enjoy his hobby as a family. I also think it is a good role model for your dc that sport can be enjoyed no matter your age/ability.

I understand the amount of time it takes on a Saturday and Sunday, Tuesdays etc but it is a sociable sport for all of those connected not just the players.

Embarrass it and enjoy it!

sorry just realised! Last line should read embrace it and enjoy it!

I had this problem with dh and football. Football, I thought, would be a couple of hours on a saturday afternoon. But dh 'needed' to be there an hour early to warm up, he would stay to play another game if asked, he hung around afterwards. I was stuck at home for most of saturday with a very difficult toddler (who I could hardly take anywhere - certainly not to the game because he did run on the field) and a baby. I was utterly sleep deprived at the time and increasingly bitter. There were also two evening trainings a week, so I struggled with bedtime alone. And then he would complain about how tired he was after all this sport and say he needed a rest.

The next season, when dh suggested playing again, I said that was fine but I was taking equal amounts of time off. So I would be going out two evenings a week and sundays. Dh said, 'but we'll have no family time!'. No shit, sherlock. Dh was so terrified, I think, at the thought of being stuck with the dcs alone, that he gave up football. I feel a bit bad about it sometimes, but he was really taking the piss.

On another note, I recently had an argument with my father - the first argument I think since I was an adult. He told me he was very hurt that I had only called him twice when he was away on holiday and also that my dcs were less affectionate towards him than his friends' gc. I thought about it a bit, and then pointed out to him that he had never never called me. He had left that to my mother (who passed away a couple of years ago). He had never really spoken to me. I had barely seen him when I was a child because he worked all week and played sport all weekend. He said, ' but I worked hard and needed something for me'. I said I understood that, but you can't have everything. You can't have all your me-time and have time to build up a relationship with your children. I also pointed out that it was his responsibility to manage his relationship with my dcs, and the fact that he never came to visit us (because he played sport all weekend) and that we had given up coming to visit him for a long time (because he still disappeared off all weekend to play sport, leaving us sitting in his house alone) was probably the reason why the dcs didn't have as good a relationship with him as his friends. And breathe.

I understand what you are feeling. DH plays cricket (we are in Australia, so rarely rained out, he also plays indoor cricket once a week, trains once a week and we get to 'enjoy' winter cricket here....) in fact I met him in the UK as he came go watch the Ashes (I know, I should have realised....) but it sounds like the big difference is that DH will have a drink with the team after the match and then come home. He also gives me 'time off' during the week or on a Sunday for time to focus on craft stuff of shopping without a noisy toddler!
I totally admit that some Saturdays I seethe at him being out again, but I will never ask him to give it up. We do have an agreement that if I or DS is ill he won't go, I know that we are a priority above cricket.
I do take our DS to the oval for part of the match, we'll also pop to the shops as well. I go to the end of season meal and I'm trying to learn to love cricket!
I get the feeling if your DH came home after the match and therefore didn't have a hangover on Sunday and could join in with family things, him playing cricket every week wouldn't seem so bad.
Good luck with your conversation with him.