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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what your Ex pays in maintenance and your arrangements

112 replies

EmptyCrispPackets · 17/08/2012 22:26

As per the other AIBU thread re ex paying towards school uniform costs, I'm wondering what yep of arrangement you have with ex re maintenance, and is it through CSA or mutual?

Does ex see child(ren) regularly & does he pay towards extras (uniforms, school trips and so on)

OP posts:
MissKeithLemon · 18/08/2012 09:49

ExP1 pays £120 p/week through CSA which includes about ten years of arrears.

I send £70 pw straight back to him as I realise that he can't live on what he's left with and if he quits this job I be back to zero maintanance again. After 10 years of him shirking/ducking/diving I'm grateful to be receiving it at last. He seems to have become a slightly better parent since being forced to pay csa too Hmm

ExP2 gives me £120 per month as a private arrangement plus pays half of a joint loan we took out years ago.

When the loan is paid off I may ask him to increase the maintenance a bit. He has both kids to stay sometimes, lives down the road and is a good childminder dad when I need it these days. He will stump up half of some extra costs if pushed, although he will moan to high heaven about it! Nothing new there though - he was the same when we lived together Grin

ciderpenguin · 18/08/2012 10:24

We have a private arrangement. I get £420 per month (for 2 young children) which I think due to some recent changes is less than the CSA would take. Ex P sees the children 3 times a week. We're recently flexible with each other over times and helping out and sometimes there is extra at Christmas and birthdays.

MoongirlsCat · 18/08/2012 10:31

CSA take the grand sum of £5 per week from Ex's benefits. He did work - used to job hop (assuming so the CSA couldn't catch up with him). He did start a job in January last year, CSA took six months to organise themselves, took £400 via DOE order and he quit his job the next day.

Had no contact/phone calls/cards/letters for well over 7 years (only know that because the last time we saw him was the same weekend I got my oldest cat and I remember her age).

He was a shit father anyway. Dropped DS off early all of the time because 'he had stuff to be getting on with'.

Know a few bits and bobs from facebook noseing (filthy house, scarey dogs, etc) and am very grateful that we're not in contact and that my lovely child doesn't have to stay there or see him.

If I saw him in the street I'd carry on walking.

JackJacksmummy · 18/08/2012 10:52

Used to go through CSA but it was very hit and miss when it landed in my account and was never the same amount so couldn't rely on it. About 5 years ago we decided on a private arrangement of £100 per month. Doesn't pay for any extras such as trips or uniform but am thinking now she's getting older that the time might be coming to reassess this amount.

Sassybeast · 18/08/2012 12:01

Ex pays the mortgage, which gives him tight control over the children and I (Currently working on getting that undone)
Mortgage payments are significantly less than what he would pay if I went through the CSA.
He pays nothing extra.
His contact is restricted by SS.

brightermornings · 18/08/2012 12:19

I get 65 a week for ds 17 and ds 10. He has them every other weekend from sat lunch brings them back sun teatime. Ds works on a Sunday so takes my car and sometimes he brings his sister back.
They also used to go to there nanna's (his mum) every Friday but the cut that to every other Friday a few months ago.
Very rarely sees them any extra maybe 3 times this year he will pick dd up from school take her for tea then bring her home. Poor ds doesn't get invited.
No help during school holidays and no money for extras.

Lazydaisy55 · 18/08/2012 12:21

No maintenance as x is a bastard who works the system and evades the CSA.

MyLittleMiracles · 18/08/2012 12:31

My ex doesn't see DS though occasionally kicks up a fuss he wants to but didn't follow through with contact centre/mediation and pays nothing and honestly I would rather struggle and not have to have anything to do with him

tiredcommuter · 18/08/2012 12:33

My DP pays £500 a month to his EX for his 3.5 year old DD and his mum pays his EX £200 a month. Not through the CSA as EX rufuses.

We have her 40% of the time and put £100 a side for clothes and food for her at our house. After all of this we have very little money left so DP currently doesn't pay any extras but I'm sure that will change when DSD starts school. Although I'm not sure where the money will come from!

FerrisBueller1972 · 18/08/2012 12:36

£325 a month and no contact at all. He lives 15 minutes away.

captainhastings · 18/08/2012 12:36

I receive nothing and an quite happy to do so . I feel sad for my ex that he does not contribute but his choice.

We pay £500 a month to my DH ex and we paid off her mortgage . We also split school uniform, school trips and other expenses. We also pay for step son's phone , gym membership and will support him through university.

captainhastings · 18/08/2012 12:37

We have stepson about 50% of the time , he is quite old now do it varies.

lovebunny · 18/08/2012 13:06

i got £220 a month - £100 for me, £120 for dd, from 1988 to 1998, when we went back to the court for an increase and i think it went up to nearly £300, but i could be wrong as at first he didn't pay the increase and then paid it to dd when she went to university. he stopped paying as soon as he could.

i thought we'd been very badly-done-to but it doesn't look too bad in comparison with the payments some people are receiving today.

lovebunny · 18/08/2012 13:08

he saw dd on saturday afternoons but didn't always come. probably 3 out of 4 at the most. he made no effort whatsoever with her. she's grown up now and hasn't seen him for eight happy years.

daisydoodoo · 18/08/2012 13:24

I've got 4 dc with xh, we were married for 13 yrs. Been divorced for 2 yrs split for 3.
He pays a good amount each month but then he earns 3 times my salary at least. He has all 4 dc every other weekend and usually once or twice a week he will have them over for tea or take them out for tea.
He pays nursery fees for youngest as well and half uniform and school club costs.

We have a good arrangement and a good relationship much healthier now not together. He's a good dad as well as a good provider. He usually pays for a holiday for us (without him) as well. Still life is a lot different to how it was when we were together.

Badgerina · 18/08/2012 13:26

We get nothing. No weekly money, no monthly money. No help with school uniform, or shoes; nothing towards extra-curricular activities, or school dinners; no help with child-minder fees, NOTHING AT ALL.

And he had the GALL to be reluctant to grant DH joint Parental Responsibility. DH has loved, supported, fed, clothed, housed, and fathered DS for 4 years! Angry Angry

Badgerina · 18/08/2012 13:32

Should add: he sees DS every week, for 2 nights.

snowball3 · 18/08/2012 13:37

£1000 per month, half for me ( to pay mortgage but house is in my name) half split between two sons ( both at uni) Private agreement. He lives abroad and comes back once or twice a year. Children are now 20 and 18 and he has paid the same since I went back to work when they were 11 and 9.

helenthemadex · 18/08/2012 13:52

I have three dd with ex and in three and a half years he has paid the grand sum of 83euros, that was only because dd2 would not have been able to go on a school trip because I could not afford it

his contact was initially every two weeks for the weekend friday 6pm until sunday pm, but when he had another child with OW that started to drop off despite him living less than a mile from us and now he is returning to the UK and has said every school holiday........... I somehow doubt it

hiddenhome · 18/08/2012 15:49

I get five pounds a week which doesn't even cover ds' bus fare to school Hmm The 'father' owes me thousands in arrears too Sad

PinsAndNoodles · 18/08/2012 16:01

I get five pounds a week because my ExH is on benefits. He has vaguely been looking for work for a while; he and his partner have mental health problems.

He has DS quite a lot: one overnight a week and one day and night every other weekend plus school pick-ups until dinnertime two days a week. He is a good dad in that he clearly adores DS and they have great fun together but he is not so great at remembering to clean him, feed him the right stuff, not watch too much TV etc etc. I constantly bite my tongue, try and look at the bigger picture and hope he's not doing anything that could be potentially harmful.

wavemyflag · 18/08/2012 16:08

I've never received any maintenance from exP. In fact I haven't heard from him at all since I left him when I was pg, I let him know when DD was born but didn't hear from him at all so DD has never met him. In fact it is easier that way as he was quite manipulative and abusive and I'm sure he wouldn't have been a positive influence if he'd had contact. Also I have a new partner now and it's much more straightforward to develop new relationships and establish a stepparent role without an ex on the scene.

Despite having no financial input from him, I've never had problems meeting the costs of living, school uniform etc, even when on benefits. I'm quite shrewd when it comes to budgeting so any maintenance would have just been a bonus rather than covering the necessary costs.

captainhastings · 18/08/2012 16:09

When our stepson was a pre schooler we fully funded his mother to stay at home, because he would have benefitted from having a sahm if they had stayed together. At the time I found it hard but am glad we did it, looking back .

BuntCadger · 18/08/2012 16:11

120 a month, ds is now 12 and been same amount for 7 years. Sees him fortnightly for 1 night. Doesn't pay for anything extra for him.

AhsataN · 18/08/2012 18:57

he sees ds at weekends and pays £200 per month and we pay half the private nursery fees each per month. if i need extra for a pair of shoes ill ask if he wouldnt mind helping out with a bit extra. should be interesting to see what happen when ds needs school uniform. it depends what mood hes in he either tells me to fuck off and pleads poverty or says no problem and hands it over.