To ask what your Ex pays in maintenance and your arrangements

[EmptyCrispPackets]

As per the other AIBU thread re ex paying towards school uniform costs, I'm wondering what yep of arrangement you have with ex re maintenance, and is it through CSA or mutual?

Does ex see child(ren) regularly & does he pay towards extras (uniforms, school trips and so on)

Nothing. And he hasn't seen DS for 12 years either. I'm OK with that, though it would obviously be easier in some ways to have extra money coming in. I'm amazed at the amounts that some people I know get, it's almost like a second wage! He's on the dole AFAIK so it would only be £5 a week ish if I did get anything and I'm not stirring up a hornet's nest for that, some things are best left alone.

Zero.

OH ex (the Bm) hasnt seen DSD since January and pays £5 through csa a week

My dad paid £5 a week and I was born in 1971. that this still happens! My DH paid the mortgage, utilities, ct and £50 a week cash for DSD. Basically everything. Which is one of the reasons why I'm with him, while similtaneously acknowledging that his XP was a using money grabbing caah.

£230 a month for my son. Private agreement x

Me and DH and our DC still together, but.....the walls between our house and neighbours is very thin! They shout a lot, hence I know he pays £1200 a month towards his two children with his ex-wife. His current partner moans about always having to buy them clothes and get their hair cut but she also has very serious mental health problems and makes wild accusations about various things, so it's difficult to know where the truth lies. He is mentally stable and has moaned on more than one occasion (ti people he hardly knows) about what he has to pay out so the £1200 figure I think is true.

£200 PCM, private arrangement. Doesn't bother to see DS, will send Xmas presents/birthday presents, sometimes both.

nothing, and ds hasnt seen him since i broke up with him 10 years ago when ds was 6 weeks old

DD's father : Pays £80 a month by private arrangement. She sees him for a week at Easter, two weeks in the Summer and a week in October each year (600 mile distance, though still in the UK). He sometimes buys her everyday clothes or shoes when she is there, and gives a present and £20 to her at Christmas and Birthdays.

DS1's dad : pays nada. Zilch. Bugger all. Through the CSA, too. Up until a couple of weeks ago, he was having DS1 every other weekend, a midweek overnight and half of all school holidays. He currently is only seeing him for 8 hours a fortnight, due to issues with DS1's SM, but am not going to push for CSA YET as it will more than likely mean DS1 going back to previous contact arrangement that is not in his best interests sooner than he is ready to. Birthdays and Christmas DS1 gets bought presents, but they are NEVER allowed to be brought here by DS1, but that's the SM, ex used to send them here before he got with her.

DS2 & 3's dad : pays £15 a week MORE than is stated as the minimum on the CSA calculator for two DC's, mostly because DS3 has allergies and his food and dairy/soy free formula are criminally expensive. Was part through CSA, part private agreement, but is now all by private agreement (through Maintenance Direct, a min assessment set by CSA but administered privately). He pays half of school clubs, uniform, shoes and coats. Also helps me with Christmas & Birthday for them, toys to be kept here as he 'doesn't have room'.

He only has one night a fortnight with DS2, and only 6 nights a YEAR with DS3 though. He does come here after work twice a week to see them, but I am trying to work towards that stopping in about 6 months time when DS3 is 2yo. He disagrees, and when I DO push for my life back, goodwill on ALL issues will disappear.

So at some point in the not-so distant future, when I can no longer put up with the emotionally abusive arse in my home, I will have to go back through the CSA, and will no longer get anything above what the CSA sets out.

He's only this financially helpful while he gets his own way. When I get with someone new it will end too. So I don't see the current, good situation as long-term, but it is nice while it lasts! (Been there before with DS2. Made the mistake of believing he had changed. )

I get $1600 a month supposedly
Im gettting a bit less than that at the moment cos hes unemployed at the mo
BUT the bit he is short is stacking up an when It gets to a certain amount the CSA in mass will nail him :o
I have 3 kids with him 20,18 an 16 he pays till they are 23 or finnish college ( I had a good divorce lawyer :o)
He took me back to court to have it reduced when he retired from a state job at age 52, the judge said tough and uppped it :o told him to get another job :o
He is supposed to pay 1/2 college tuition but I havent seen a dime,Im not going back to court cos I dont want the hassle, Ill pay it.
The kids very seldom see him BTW as soon as they turned 14 and had a choice they stopped. The oldest see him now on their terms they drive so go se him and leave when they want, he was a crap dad and they figured that out themselves :o

Wow, seeing what others get make me realise how much hubby pays his ex, nearly £500 for one child. We have her on all our days off and both work full time. As we have her so much we never get time together just us, well maybe 3 or 4 times a year. Ex wife works part time and still asks for more. I don't have a car because we can't afford it so working shifts and using public transport a nightmare.

I was nothing to do with their split by the way. They had been separated for years when we met.

ExP pays 0. DS is 13 now and won't even talk to his dad now as he has been let down so mant times over the years. ExP didn't even bother getting DS a birthday pressie this year (or Xmas pressie last year). Even a small token gift would have been nice.

ExP started claiming the dole and working cash in hand when I mentioned the CSA.

I feel really guilty about having a child with such a flakey character and I feel really bad for DS.

Ex has just started paying 150 a month for DD1 and DS, He spent the past 3 years saying he didn't have enough money but he has always had them overnight 3 times a week and had them one day a week (sun) so I let it slip. It is less then CSA says he should pay but at least its something. My OH's ex however pays nothing. She has never worked though and has 6 kids dotted over the place so we wouldn't get anything anyway. She hasn't seen them for 2 years either.

I can see both sides of this.

My DP has paid his wife >£400 for years. He gave her the house mortgage free on divorce and also buys his DC clothes, pays for holidays and school trips and has them as much as she will allow.

He paid more than the CSA recommended amount and she moaned and then went to the CSA to ask for it to be increased. They lowered it.

He's a doting Dad who has fought to maintain contact with his DC and she has obstructed this continually. He has offered over and above what he would be forced to pay. She doesn't acknowledge this ever and is vile in her treatment of him. The marriage broke up because he left her after the 2nd affair (hers). I have known him for years and watched events unfold so although it's all one sided version I have seen how he is with his DC and know how he has struggled to maintain contact. His DC are now late teens and have a fabulous relationship with him so his work has been worth it.

I have a DD who cries because her father has made no attempt to see her for 2 months. I call him and ask him to spare an hour to see her....drive her to him, walk the dog for 45mins then collect and take her away. He pays zilch. I am polite and never let my thoughts show because DD would be even more distressed.

It's terribly terribly sad for DC in situations like ours. They cannot help but be affected and despite your best efforts as a divorced parents it really does take two to make it successful. I despise parents who put their own selfish interests above what is right for a child in a divorce.

LesleyPumpshaft
I feel really guilty about having a child with such a flakey character and I feel really bad for DS.sad

Me too. He wasn't always like this though. Possibly the signs were there but not waving flags. My ex made himself unemployed as a deliberate act to make sure he paid zero maintenance as well

£43 per month for DS (15yo). I am at a loss to how XP arrived at this figure, he pleaded with me not to go through the CSA and it was so pathetic I couldn't be bothered.

DD - she's an adult now but never got a penny.

Ds1 ive had maintanance twice in 17 years for a few months both times, he goes self employed every time the csa get hold of him. He sees him whenever he can be bothered to go to his parents house at weekends. Ds1 has always stayed with his dads parents at weekends.

Ds2 100 a month he sees him every other weekend.

Wow... My DH has a private arrangement where he pays 400 per month plus half of any clothing/holiday/school trip expenses. We have DSS every Fri-Sun plus half of all school hols. DH's ex also has zero childcare costs. We are expecting a child together but I doubt things will change then :(

£1.25 each week, he sees them about 3 times a year (only lives an hour away!!)

£0. His mum (DDs nana) gives me her staff discount on clarks shoes for her.

He's never met her (she's 20 months now) and he lives 10 minutes away. I recently contacted CSA and they are starting proceedings to take money for her, apparently DD is entitled to £400 a month- this will go into her own bank account and spent only on things specifically for her- music classes, uniforms etc- thats if he doesn't quit his job out of spite mind you!

spg why does that make you sad? Surely you're proud of your OH for being responsible compared to some of the utterly terrible excuses for dads on this thread?

Currently nothing because he's not working. For about 8 months he was working and paid £150 a month (for 3 DCs) via the CSA.

He hasn't seen them for 15 months and phones them once a week, he moved 400 miles away a few months after we split up.

rough yeah you're right, I am proud of DH for doing the right thing, or even in the eyes of the CSA, way over and above the right thing.

There's a lot of backstory which makes me sad which is inappropriate to post here - just the fact that I'm worried that we're going to struggle financially with the new child whilst I'm on mat leave and I know that without it being a CSA arrangement and something that DH's ex will not negotiate, our new child will end up in hand-me-downs whilst DSS gets bought shoes for £100 a pop each time (yes, really!)

I would never want to deprive DSS of anything and once I'm back to work all will be fine but just wish there was some room for temporary manoeuvre whilst I'm on mat leave as the financial differences between the two children will be incredible.

Not sure if that all makes sense?! Hope I don't come across as grabby or disrespectful, like I said there's a lot of backstory which I don't want to go into here...

...as I know that if it was a CSA arrangement then allowances for our new child would be made.

Recently gave exP a kick up the arse and he has doubled what he gives me to a reasonable amount. He also - to be fair, without protest - pays for DS to attend playschool three mornings a week. I do occasionally get a guilt trip about how stressful it is for him, but afraid my sympathy is limited.

As for contact... A few hours one day of a weekend seems to be sufficient for him. I have started deliberately making plans so that he has him all day. When I ended things last year I also demanded he called every night to say goodnight, which he does 75% of the time. I now don't call him if he doesn't call - that was a hard decision to make, but I can only meet him half way. Hopefully he will sort out a larger place to live soon (though the places he's looking at will be even further away, and as neither of us drive, can just see him insisting I take DS over there each time...) so DS will be able to sleep over. We'll see.

I still get on fantastically with his family, and go out for days with his mother to museums etc quite frequently. They adore DS.

Must say, I think some of relationships some of you have managed to maintain are really wonderful.