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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be this upset about this...

77 replies

curiousgeorgie · 16/08/2012 14:23

I have a 22 month old DD and have been trying for a baby since she was about 5/6 months with no real success. Several miscarriages, one ectopic.. Lots of heartbreak.

During this time two friends, two sister in laws, a cousin, various acquaintances and people I used to work with have become pregnant and a few have had babies. One particular friend even had my original due date, and while it stung, I've been able to be happy or them, swallow the lump in my throat and just get on with it. (Even throwing two of them baby showers which are stupid)

My best 'baby friend' had a dc the same age as mine, we were pregnant together, did newborn stuff together, took them to classes, all the first day trips to beaches and farms and Softplay etc.

She has known that I've been trying for a baby (as I systematically gave up alcohol, smoking, caffeine, loads of foods etc) and known about miscarriages and has been very matter of fact about it all saying its not the right time, why would I want a small age gap, she's been saying all along that she enjoys her son too much and won't be having a 2nd DC till hers is at least 4.

So I haven't seen her for a few weeks since my DD had chicken pox and hers hasn't had it, then she was away, then busy. So unusually had quite a gap between meet ups but was texting loads.

Today I walk into Softplay and think she has a bump. But maybe it's in my mind or she's put on some weight or something... So she asks me 'how's everything with you? Pregnant yet?' and since I hate this question and have decided to keep things secret from now till I'm at least pregnant (by 20 weeks or something) I just said no, I'm having a break.

So she gestures to herself and tells me she is. Isnt it great. She's going to have a small age gap and wasn't even seriously trying yet, just once or twice the whole month she conceived.

I felt like she punched me. It physically hurt.

I sat through the next hour and a half of Softplay trying harder not to cry than I've ever tried at anything.

Then left and sat in the car and sobbed my heart out for two hours. (poor DD :s)

I don't know what to do. I don't think I've ever felt this upset. I don't know why this has hit me so hard. I might have to stop seeing her.

Am I ridiculous?

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 16/08/2012 14:26

No, you're not ridiculous. She was somewhat insensitive and I think she probably caught you massively offguard because she'd been saying one thing and has done something completely different, so you weren't even in a position to expect it might happen.

Your turn will, I hope, come.

Krumbum · 16/08/2012 14:29

No your not ridiculous. You have been through a lot of heartache and when somebody so easily has what you desperately want that is going to be very hard.
Maybe stay away for a while and hopefully you can stay friends if she is somebody you care about. It will be hard but could well be worth it. You just need time to get your head around it.
I really hope things work out well for you and you can find a way to have another child.

Happilymarried155 · 16/08/2012 14:31

I totally understand where you are coming from and it's completely natural. I am in a very similar position to you although I'm still ttc my first while some of my friends have just announced they are having there second :( its so hard. But ultimately you have to smile, congratulate them, be excited for them and then go home and cry. I tell myself that I will get my turn, I just have to be more patient! I really hope we get our BFP soon, good luck x

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 16/08/2012 14:36

YANBU, but your friend hasn't done anything wrong.

Her comments about small age gaps in the past may have been a genuine but misguided attempt to comfort you and let you know you still have lots of time to keep trying.

It would be a shame for you to stop seeing her if you have been good friends, rather than just friends who have had something to share at the same time in your lives.

Tee2072 · 16/08/2012 14:37

You are always entitled to your feelings. No matter what.

I remember when I was trying with my now son, which took nearly 2 years. It seemed like everyone was pregnant and I was fine with that until one of my best friends rang from the US to tell me she was. I don't know to this day how I got through that phone call because as soon as we hung up I sobbed for about 2 hours.

She and I actually haven't been as close since, actually, which is ridiculous but true.

I think a step back from her would be good until you either get pregnant yourself or can at least deal with the emotion.

elliejjtiny · 16/08/2012 14:37

No, you're not ridiculous. Your friend was being very insensitive and it must have been a big shock for you. There's nothing worse than wanting something desperatley and someone else just doing it and then telling you how easy it was for them.

Original poster
curiousgeorgie · 16/08/2012 15:13

Thanks everyone. I just can't cheer up. Sorry for those of you that are also struggling :(

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 16/08/2012 15:18

It really wouldn't have killed her to let you know in advance of you meeting up.

She was hugely insensitive (and a tad hypocritical too).

I'm really sorry for your hurt and I hope that you have the successful outcome you want soon.

PedanticPanda · 16/08/2012 15:28

No you're not being ridiculous at all, she was being very insensitive. Asking "are you pregnant yet?" seems quite harsh if she's known all about the miscarriages and trouble you've had.

Pseudo341 · 16/08/2012 15:33

She's been pretty insensitive about the way she told you, yanbu to be upset. I found out a friend of mine is pregnant about 2 weeks after I had a mc, she knew about the mc and was very tactful in telling me, I'm nothing but thrilled for her, she's a fab friend. Not so convinced your friend is that considerate of your feelings which is the issue rather than the fact that she's pregnant, to be honest I'd consider distancing myself from someone who cared so little about upsetting me.

goodiegoodieyumyum · 16/08/2012 15:41

Curious I have my fingers crossed for you, she was definitely insensitive. I went through the same when trying for my second.
It was hard while I was trying as everyone kept telling me I should be happy with the one I had.
So many people I knew got pregnant and my sister inlaw who knew we were having problems concieving actually said to my face "when are we getting a new niece or nephew" It still upsets me now as I thought it was so insensitive.

I really hope you have some good news in the future.

TheQueenOfDiamonds · 16/08/2012 15:41

She probably could have been a bit more sensitive and tactful, but its not really her fault you're not pregnant and she is.

I think if you end the friendship you should end it properly, and not pick her up again when you get pregnant because that would be worse than her insensitivity tbh.

MyLastDuchess · 16/08/2012 15:46

I think she was really rude. It's got nothing to do with her being pregnant or not - it's how she said it.

I am very lucky that I have never had any trouble getting pregnant. But I don't rub it in the faces of friends of mine who are trying and having problems. Yes, I tell them I'm pregnant and they are happy for me, but I don't go on about it being easy or whatever. If they want to know details they can ask me but otherwise I keep my mouth shut.

maddening · 16/08/2012 15:46

I wonder if she was nervous about telling you then it came out all wrong? I can't understand how anyone could get that so very very wrong when dealing with a friend and fellow mother of such long standing and such a close friendship!

FluffyJawsOfDoom · 16/08/2012 15:48

She was being very insensitive, but I've found that people who've never struggled to conceive don't really "get" how difficult it can be, emotionally, when you are. I would distance myself from her too, just to save myself the heartache :(

RedSquizzle · 16/08/2012 15:48

Your reaction sounds completely natural tbh, she caught you completely off guard.

It sounds to me like she's just terribly tactless and had been saying all that stuff about not wanting a small age gap to try to support you, and then didn't tell you she was trying in case it upset you - just completely the wrong approach on all counts!
Perhaps she's just a bit self-absorbed at the moment due to her pg, but to come out with "So, are you pregnant yet?" when she knows your circs was cruel of her.

I'd avoid her until you feel stronger, and then tell her she upset you.

KickTheGuru · 16/08/2012 15:50

People have no idea how much it hurts when they swan and announce pregnancies to people who've been trying for ages.

It doesn't excuse her. I'd probably stop seeing her too

But I am also in the complete cave of doom today

Raspberrysorbet · 16/08/2012 15:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MammaTJisanOlympicSumoWrestler · 16/08/2012 17:19

She has had a happy accident, by the sound of it. YANBU to be upset though, but please try not to hold it against her and spoil your friendship.

ArielThePiraticalMermaid · 16/08/2012 17:25

It always hurts, even when someone is being sensitive, which this woman was not. It hurts like fuck. All we can do is have the cry and try and get on with it.

I'm so sorry :( It's crap.

KickTheGuru · 16/08/2012 17:48

I don't know if some women understand that if you've been trying for months or years and they fanny about falling pregnant telling others to "relax" or "not to worry" that actually, all you want to do is harpoon them through the cheek

ILiveInAPineapple · 16/08/2012 17:54

YANBU at all. We have been ttc dc2 for over 2 yrs, and waiting for a fertility appointment now. My DB and DSiL are now pregnant and due in February, but were very sensitive and clearly worried about telling me in case it upset me.
I am excited about being an aunty but I am also glad that they were gentle when they told me rather than rubbing my face in the fact that I wasn't pregnant yet, which is what your friend seems to have done :-(

TallDwarf · 16/08/2012 17:59

She was being a bit U with the "pregnant yet? I am!" comment, but she can't help being pregnant herself. Is she a good enough friend that you could tell her you need a bit of space for a while that she would understand?

I've never suffered a miscarriage so can only guess at how hard it has been for you,I hope you get some good news soon though Thanks

KickTheGuru · 16/08/2012 18:03

She can help being pregnant!

She said she didn't want one. So if you don't want one, one would assume you know how to put a stop to spermies!

Annunziata · 16/08/2012 18:05

YANBU at all, don't be hard on yourself. I suppose she must have seen you throwing the baby showers and bring so supportive and not thought about your feelings. Good luck xxx

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