To be this upset about this...

[curiousgeorgie]

I have a 22 month old DD and have been trying for a baby since she was about 5/6 months with no real success. Several miscarriages, one ectopic.. Lots of heartbreak.

During this time two friends, two sister in laws, a cousin, various acquaintances and people I used to work with have become pregnant and a few have had babies. One particular friend even had my original due date, and while it stung, I've been able to be happy or them, swallow the lump in my throat and just get on with it. (Even throwing two of them baby showers which are stupid)

My best 'baby friend' had a dc the same age as mine, we were pregnant together, did newborn stuff together, took them to classes, all the first day trips to beaches and farms and Softplay etc.

She has known that I've been trying for a baby (as I systematically gave up alcohol, smoking, caffeine, loads of foods etc) and known about miscarriages and has been very matter of fact about it all saying its not the right time, why would I want a small age gap, she's been saying all along that she enjoys her son too much and won't be having a 2nd DC till hers is at least 4.

So I haven't seen her for a few weeks since my DD had chicken pox and hers hasn't had it, then she was away, then busy. So unusually had quite a gap between meet ups but was texting loads.

Today I walk into Softplay and think she has a bump. But maybe it's in my mind or she's put on some weight or something... So she asks me 'how's everything with you? Pregnant yet?' and since I hate this question and have decided to keep things secret from now till I'm at least pregnant (by 20 weeks or something) I just said no, I'm having a break.

So she gestures to herself and tells me she is. Isnt it great. She's going to have a small age gap and wasn't even seriously trying yet, just once or twice the whole month she conceived.

I felt like she punched me. It physically hurt.

I sat through the next hour and a half of Softplay trying harder not to cry than I've ever tried at anything.

Then left and sat in the car and sobbed my heart out for two hours. (poor DD :s)

I don't know what to do. I don't think I've ever felt this upset. I don't know why this has hit me so hard. I might have to stop seeing her.

Am I ridiculous?

OP I am so sorry to here about how you have had to put a brave face on regarding your MC's it must have been really really hard. Is there an option of counselling for you? It sounds like you need time to work through those emotions and the emotions of being out of control in regards to the decision when to have a 2nd child.

For me it helped to focus on the fact that I knew one day I would have a child, I just knew deep down that I would be a mother one way or another and for every test and treatment I tried to look at it like a little step closer to my child. I only have experience with infertility not secondry infertility as I'm pregnant with #1 now but I assume it wil be as hard to get pregnant again as the cause of our infertility was never really understood. Now looking back at it I see it as rolling a dice, yes most people get lucky in around 4 months and that's great for them, they can plan their life with conveinient age gaps but for us it took much much longer (DC waited to stick the cycle before we were due to start IVF) I try to see the positives, last year my 3 very best childhood friends all got pregnant and had their babies within 3 weeks of each other, it felt like my life was in free fall where as they had these perfect situations. In reality 2 of them were having a really relaly hard time and however much it hurt me to support them I did because that is what friends do. I am so glad I did because now I am pregnant I need them more than ever. If I had gotten pregnant the 1st month we tried I'd have a toddler now, I am happy I didn't get pregnant when we first started ttc because I wouldn't be pregnant with my wriggly little boy right now that I allready love so much.

You have had a successfull pregnancy with your DD the chances are really high that you will have another successfull pregnancy. Enjoy your DD, probably in the end you are your DF will sit there with her with the little age gap and you with a slightly bigger age gap and look at your kids and think it is the perfect situation for you, when your child comes you wouldn't change them for anything and this waiting and upset will all seem worth it as it is what you had to get through to meet your DC.

In a society where we are used to controling everything infertility gives us the ultimate challenge, enjoy your daughter and your DP and your friends, the second child will come :)

yanbu for feeling like you do.

however, friend may have actually been trying for some time. lots of people don't like to advertise this- especially if they know that you have had problems. but what can they do? i was in this situation from both sides. i tried to get pregnant for 2 years but did not broadcast this. worked with a lovely person 10 years younger who fell pregnant- i found this hard but of course was really pleased. she lost her baby at 5 months pregnant and i fell pregnant shortly after. i put off telling her as long as possible, hoping that she would fall as well. at 16 weeks i could put it off no longer. All during this time i would have denied it if any one had asked if I was trying. luckily she fell a few months later and all was well.
sounds like your friend didn't know how to broach this, may have been inept, thought it best to say in person.

and don't let anyone make you feel bad about having a cry in front of your dd. can you remember anything from when you were 22 months old? neither can I. The only time my children remember me crying was when my grandmother was vile to me- they were 7 and 5 at the time and tbh I don't think that harmed them either.

That's the trouble though with putting on a brave face, people take it at face value

YANBU or ridiculous to feel the way you do - your friend was perhaps insensitive, though not malicious, but it doesn't lessen the pain you felt.

DH and I are trying (really frickin hard) to conceive our first but without much success and every time another friend pops up with baby news it takes a beat for me to put on my happy face and congratulate them. I am happy for them, it's joyful news, but for that moment that happiness is squashed by my own pain and in my darker moments, jealousy.

I do get that its upsetting, and your friend was a bit clumsy in how she told you and it was a shock given your conversations, but its really unlikely that she thought she would hurt you. She probably didnt know how to deal with it.

I was ttc for 10 years so had a lot of family/friends pregnancies announced in that time. One always gets to you more than others. For me it was my sister who announced hers at a big family party literally the day after my latest ivf hadn't worked. She knew this as we had spoken the night before and I told her , but she didnt tell me anything about her circumstances.

It was horrible, and I was shocked and had to leave early, but I did get that it was her pregnancy and she wanted to make a big announcement when everyone was together, so I could see how she didnt want to spoil it by telling me first.

Didnt make it any easier though, so I do sympathise, but dont throw a good friendship away over her making a mistake on this.

You are not being ridiculous, your friend, in her haze of happiness has been very insensitive. I am sure she didnt mean to upset you,people can just be very self centred when they are very happy.

I hope it is your time to be self centeredly (is that a word?) happy soon :)

Of course you're being nasty! You told the OP to "get a grip" after she posted that she was upset about her infertility. How on earth is it not nasty?

Her only mistake was posting in AIBU. Nothing about infertility is reasonable or unreasonable.

Wow, QueenofDiamonds - telling the OP to get a grip?? Seriously??

Power down your laptop, step out into the sunlight and reaquaint yourself with real life, just for a moment. There is No Need to be that nasty.

OP, YANBU in any way, shape or form. Your friend knew about your struggles, knew about your miscarriages and STILL behaved like a moronic dolt who deserves a GOOD kick up the arse with an open-toed sandal.

And some of the comments on this thread leave me breathless. Unless you have struggled, grieved, gone through the emotional agony of hopes and dreams dashed, lain awake at night rigid with fear about if this baby will die too, wondered if your husband would be better off with someone else, and quietly died inside at the sight of every pregnant woman, you haven't a clue what it's like.

And if you have a friend who is struggling in this way, even I'd they put a brave face on it, DON'T be flippant/glib/tell them to relax. If you have happy news to share, text or email it first so that they can go and rail at the heavens in private, and then cheerfully congratulate you. They want their own baby, not yours.

Right, having read back I don't think it wasn't the OP that QOD told to get a grip. I apologise for that bit.

I don't apologise for calling her post nasty though.

Of course you're being nasty! You told the OP to "get a grip" after she posted that she was upset about her infertility. How on earth is it not nasty?

Can you read? I wasn't even talking to the OP. Stop being so dramatic, and I wasn't being nasty.

And she has fertility problems, so what, that's not an excuse for dropping your friends and picking them up again when you feel like it. I've got fertility problems, mine were inflicted on me by somebody else, I don't drop my friends because they don't have the same problems, and I don't expect to never be told I'm wrong about anything.

See above post. Yes I can read.

You sound lovely.

" I never wanted kids at all. I have two. Doesn't mean I deserve them any less than someone who has fertility problems, and obviously, the girl got pregnant, but its not her fault other people can't, what do you want? A written apology from anyone who hasn't suffered infertility? Fgs some people need to get a grip."

Your post, TheQueenOfDiamonds, from page 2, where you didn't have fertility problems, yet now you say you do.
And the OP doesn't have problems with fertilty. She can get pregnant but can't stay that way. Terrible physical and emotional disappontment ON TOP OF yearning for a child.
QOD, do yourself a favour and keep quiet.

I feel for you OP. But in a way, I feel for your friend also. Would have more sympathy for her though had she handled the situation better.

My best friend was trying to conceive for 5 months when me and DP decided to start trying, after realising it could take a few months. I got pregnant after 2 months, and I was shitting myself telling my best friend as I knew how badly she wanted a baby. But, I told her, and she was happy for me. She didn't just drop contact.

She got pregnant 2 months after me, and 3 weeks before my 20 week scan which she had been so excited to come and see with me, she miscarried. I had no idea what to say or do. My scan was on her birthday, and the last thing I wanted was to ruin her birthday. I told her it was completely down to her, and she still wanted to come, and did. That night, we all went out to celebrate her birthday and she said "Fuck it, im going to get hammered and relax for a while" and she did. She was very surprised to learn a month later she was yet again pregnant, and had conceived the night of her birthday. Her happy bundle is coming up to his 1st birthday now.

She did admit after he arrived that she was jealous, and that it hurt, but our friendship means so much to us that we couldn't just stop seeing each other. So I suppose, it all comes down to how you feel about your friendship.

I saw how it ate away at my friend though, and I cried on many occasions for her. It is horrible, and I wish you all the luck in the world. Don't give up hope.

Curious I hope you don't mind me asking but have you sought help from a fertility specialist. I asked for referral to a fertility clinic after my third as my gynae did all the standard tests and then said perhaps I should "close the book on it" if I had another mc. The clinic were fantastic, did various other tests, diagnosed PCOS and put me on hormones, did monthly follicle tracking etc. When I did become pregnant they did loads of early scans and were a huge support. I felt more in control as I was "doing something about it" and more positive as a result. You will get there. I am an example of that, the road was just a bit longer.

I've been referred for 21 day bloods and a scan. I should have had it two months ago but my DD was poorly and I had to reschedule as she literally started throwing up fifteen minutes before I was due to leave and had no one local to have her at such short notice on a weekday.

I'm going on the 23rd of this month... So fingers crossed they find something easily fixable.

Very reassuring it worked out for you though Tracey x

I'd just like to add my current "advice du jour" which is to have your vit D levels checked. Low vit D is becoming endemic in Western countries because of the sunscreen/skin cancer campaigns - and low vit D can contribute to both infertility and miscarriage. I had 3 MCs before having my level tested (for other reasons) and it was below normal range - took vit D for a couple of months and got my "sticky". It may be coincidence - but you can bet your bottom dollar I'm keeping an eye on my vit D levels throughout as well - was just into normal range when I was about 10w pg, but then dipped again so now I'm taking an extra 1000IU per day on top of my other preg vits, because it's so important for bone building etc.

It may be irrelevant to you - but it's one more factor to consider. :)

Your phone has been possessed, WhiteSpirit!

Thanks, I'll mention the vit D to my GP... Would it maybe beneficial to just take some and see what happens :)

The same kind of thing happened with my bf. She'd been trying for years, had fertility treatment, etc. I decided to have a baby on a drunken whim and it happened immediately.

I still remember the horrible evening we had to tell her I was pregnant. But things all turned out fine. She had a couple of children not long after and she is still my bf!

The feelings you have are just a reaction to the situation. They won't affect your relationship in the longterm. Don't worry - it's a natural reaction.

I read about vit d too and took supplements, 4,000iu or there abouts and omega 3 too in preparation for my last pregnancy just to cover all bases. I don't know whether it specifically worked as I was on a number of drugs but it's not harmful unless in very high doses.