To be this upset about this...

[curiousgeorgie]

I have a 22 month old DD and have been trying for a baby since she was about 5/6 months with no real success. Several miscarriages, one ectopic.. Lots of heartbreak.

During this time two friends, two sister in laws, a cousin, various acquaintances and people I used to work with have become pregnant and a few have had babies. One particular friend even had my original due date, and while it stung, I've been able to be happy or them, swallow the lump in my throat and just get on with it. (Even throwing two of them baby showers which are stupid)

My best 'baby friend' had a dc the same age as mine, we were pregnant together, did newborn stuff together, took them to classes, all the first day trips to beaches and farms and Softplay etc.

She has known that I've been trying for a baby (as I systematically gave up alcohol, smoking, caffeine, loads of foods etc) and known about miscarriages and has been very matter of fact about it all saying its not the right time, why would I want a small age gap, she's been saying all along that she enjoys her son too much and won't be having a 2nd DC till hers is at least 4.

So I haven't seen her for a few weeks since my DD had chicken pox and hers hasn't had it, then she was away, then busy. So unusually had quite a gap between meet ups but was texting loads.

Today I walk into Softplay and think she has a bump. But maybe it's in my mind or she's put on some weight or something... So she asks me 'how's everything with you? Pregnant yet?' and since I hate this question and have decided to keep things secret from now till I'm at least pregnant (by 20 weeks or something) I just said no, I'm having a break.

So she gestures to herself and tells me she is. Isnt it great. She's going to have a small age gap and wasn't even seriously trying yet, just once or twice the whole month she conceived.

I felt like she punched me. It physically hurt.

I sat through the next hour and a half of Softplay trying harder not to cry than I've ever tried at anything.

Then left and sat in the car and sobbed my heart out for two hours. (poor DD :s)

I don't know what to do. I don't think I've ever felt this upset. I don't know why this has hit me so hard. I might have to stop seeing her.

Am I ridiculous?

*being

YANBU, your friend is incredibly insensitive. Sadly it's not uncommon, I know someone who had a MMC discovered at the 12 wk scan. A little while later her best friend arranged a big get together at the pub, where they announced their pg, 1st month of trying. Without any advance warning to my friend or consideration for her feelings. Unbelievable.

I'm so sorry, it's shit, I know.

It would be a shame to lose a good friend but if she is really that insensitive, not sure it would be much of a loss. Only you can say.

It does sound insensitive the way she told you. But I agree with whoever said you are probably so upset because she told you she wasn't having another yet, and you thought she was "safe". I totally sympathise as I struggle to conceive and tbh at several points there was no right way to tell me! fingers crossed for you!

Be kind to yourself.

You are very raw. It's one of those situations where you just need to wait for time to pass. In 6 months you'll prob be able to shake your head and roll your eyes at her insensitivity. It won't be the slicing, heart penetrating wound it is at the moment.

Can you keep going with the friendship knowing you will get to that stage. Is she worth it? Might she have been nervous at telling you and completely ballsed it up? Do you trust yourself that you heard it in the way it was meant?

So been where you are. Don't feel bad for hurting - everyone responds like this.

To be honest however she told you it would hurt. I had a miscarriage with my second pregnancy and confided in a friend. She was sympathetic. Didn't see her for a while and next time I saw her she had a huge bump and she must have been pregnant when I miscarried, but she didn't tell me she was pregnant. Maybe she thought it would rub it in for me. But I fell pregnant again. It will hurt for you but really if you are at that stage of your life people will be falling pregnant left right and centre and they will be thinking about themselves and their pregnancies. Likewise hopefully you will become pregnant again, and who knows maybe some of your other friends will be struggling and envy you. I know despite my mc i was still one of the first of my friends to have a second child, and my friends second babies came along a year or so later. Fingers crossed for you.

She was probably trying to make you feel better by all the age gap, and not-the-right-time stuff, not believing any of it herself for an instant, but just scrabbling for things to say that might make you feel a tad better.

But yes she has been insensitive. After my 3rd M/C I was utterly devastated, thought I would never have children. A friend announced she was expecting her second.

A few months later I was pregnant again and things were looking good but, like you, I'd decided I was not going to tell anyone for ages. We went out as a group and my friend spent the whole time monopolising the conversation on a) being a mum b) how hard it was having a baby c) being pregnant again and d) how she couldn't BELIEVE she would soon have two. As I was full of hopes for my new pregnancy (which did result in DS1), it took me a while to realise how astoundingly fucking insensitive she was being, because as far as she knew I had just had my third miscarriage and was in utter despair.

We have stayed good friends, but had I not been secretly pregnant at that point, I think that might have been it.

She handled it very badly.

But she wouldn´t be the first to say that she didn´t want another yet whilst trying.

I always deflected questions about ttc.

Said that we wanted to wait a year or so when were trying as soon as we got married.

Saying we wanted a bit of a gap when we knew we would try again when PFB was a year old...

I think that unfortunately, this was always going to hurt you.

It´s understandable that you´re upset, of course.

IMO she got it very wrong, but y'know its hard to get it right

she sounds like she was trying to find a bright side for you (no small gap etc etc).. which I appreciate is the wrong thing to say, but then, most things are the wrong thing to say

"pregnant yet?" is very crude, but maybe she was nervous and it all came out a bit blurty

Personally I think its usually better to say SOMETHING and risk getting it wrong, than to not acknowledge it at all, but people REALLY appreciate a bit of guidance so you would not at all be UR to drop her a line and say that you are finding it hard to be around pregnant women at the moment so need to take a bit of space for a few weeks

she may even have been having TTC trouble herself but not wanted to talk about it so her "brushing off" your dificulties was really her saying that to herself?

Thanks everyone for your replies... She can be quite brash usually but in more of a funny confident way.

She told me she'd got pg on the first try and is still smoking despite being a few months along.

It just hurts so much that she can fall into bed, get pregnant, smoke, not worry and everything will of course be fine. It just feels like it is so absolutely easy for everyone else but so hard for me.

My DH thinks that she was probably sure I would be fine, and wouldn't have meant to hurt me.

Things just feel so dark sometimes don't they? :(

Yanbu to be upset but I think 2 hours sitting in the car crying with your dd is unreasonable.

I was ttc for 2 years before I got pregnant and i know its hard when other people anounce their pregnancies but it is their pregnancy, it is their option as to how they tell you. I actually found that being with kids made my ttc worries melt away, kids are just so lovely and take up so much of your attention I couldn't imagine thinking about my ttc struggle for 2 hours never mind crying about it infrount of a child.

You have a lovely dd, many people would envy you your 1 healthy child.

I hope you get to expand your family in the near future, but maybe try to concentrate on the positives in your life, there is nothing your friends can do to help you get pregnant, I am sure they are not having babies just to spite you.

Honeytea is spot on. I think you're starting to feel your friend has no right to get pregnant before you. Remember that sometimes miscarriages happen for the best of reasons. I'm sure it won't be long before you're looking back on all this and realise that as insensitive as your friend might have been, you were a tad over sensitive on the matter.

I think your friend could have been more sensitive and broken the news in advance to you meeting up and being faced with her bump, perhaps she just didn't know how to tell you. It is always going to be hard seeing others falling pregnant seemingly easily when you are finding it so hard yourself. If I've learned anything it's that many people have had problems conceiving or with miscarriages even though they may appear to breeze through this stage of their lives. People just dont tend to talk openly about it. I had 5 miscarriages before I managed to have my 3 children. Many times I thought I would never be a mother or be able to provide my daughter with a sibling and I felt heartbroken about it so can totally relate to you being so upset. I think your friend has triggered a sadness that was within you already though, this isn't all about her.

You are not ridiculous at all. But would there have been a way for her to tell you without upsetting you?
My friend was having a tough time ttc. She is younger than me, had no DCs. She was getting desperate and in a lot of emotional pain.
I was ttc. I was 40 and just lost my DD to cancer.
It took me a year tc.
She jst came out and asked me. I couldn't lie to her but her face when I said yes was a picture of hurt.
I didn't see her for months. She avoided me. It was obvious me being pregnant was a source of great pain to her.
It was horrible.
I don't blame her. She was in a dreadful place.
But I really do not think she would have felt differently however she found out.

Of course yanbu. I hope you get what you want very soon.

I agree with Honey and maddening.

My friend is due any day now, I'm a few miscarriages down the line in TTC number two. She's my friend and needs my support as I need hers. Cutting someone out of your life for living theirs won't get you anywhere.

I dare say from the lack of contact prior to your meeting she knew how you would feel and everything came tumbling out in a big badly thought out BLAH from her mouth before she could stop it.

I know it stings. But either we'll get there eventually and have our much wanted second children, or we'll have to develop tougher skin. Having your daughter see you cry for 2 hours is not the way forward. You never know how much it hurts till it happens to you, tell your friend how you feel, offer her support but make it clear you need hers.

Fingers crossed for you.

Your feelings are NU. However I'm not sure there would have been a "right" way for her to tell you.
She may have been trying to support you and bolster you with her bigger age gap comments. But however much of a friend, she can't put her life on hold to spare your feelings.
I think you are entitled to feel sad, if you can't face her for a while, stick to texts. But ultimately it's not her fault you're not pg.
Wish you the best in ttc.

I am going to take a deep breath and jump in on the other side of this. I have a dear friend who is in your situation. She cannot seem to have a second child no matter how hard she tries. I have had many a long conversation and shed many tears with her and seen her pain. I had an unexpected 3rd pregnancy. I really did not want the pregnancy or the child but could not face the thoughts of an abortion. The timing could not have been worse for us and the ensuing time was horrible on far too many levels to detail here.
The one person who could have helped me enormously durning that time would have been my friend but I could not turn to her because of her circumstances. It was really not appropriate, I appreciated that. It was however ironic that we both suffered tough emotional times from opposite side of the bridge. I knew about hers and helped her. She never knew about mine though.
I would not be too hard on your friend. There is a lot of grey in life I think.

I have been blessed with type 1 diabetes and fibroids.

I still haven't had a baby.

brat similar to my experience. Although baby was planned I actually suffered awful pre natal depression, connected to the death f my dd. I was in a right old mess.
But that was no more her resposibilty than her feelings were mine. We just couldn't help each other at the time.

*She can help being pregnant!

She said she didn't want one.*

Oh right, so she should never have another baby because she said she didn't want one? I never wanted kids at all. I have two. Doesn't mean I deserve them any less than someone who has fertility problems, and obviously, the girl got pregnant, but its not her fault other people can't, what do you want? A written apology from anyone who hasn't suffered infertility? Fgs some people need to get a grip.

I think that is harsh.
Stress and grief make us feel things.
We don't always act in logical ways.
'fgs get a grip' is unnecessary and innapropriate
And mean

TheQueenOfDiamonds - As you've taken to paraphrasing me, I'm sure you'll have no difficulty in finding an example of where I've said she doesn't deserve her child - but I can assure you I didn't say it. I could go on, but someone who posts on a parenting forum that people who suffer infertility should 'get a grip' doesn't deserve my time.

And to everyone else...

I know it was terrible to cry in front of my DD. selfish even. I feel terrible and completely didn't mean it. I started to get a real lump in my throat as I was leaving the car park and so pulled straight over for a second and just completely couldn't help it. Two of my miscarriages have been while all of us have been staying with my parents (a house fell through) and its been a huge amount of fake smiling, putting a brave face on and trying to ignore it, so I think it was about everything.

MrsDeVere - I am so so sorry about your daughter :( xx

BratinghamPalace - I really wasn't hard on her. I congratulated her loads, played with her DS, fake told her off for picking him up and sat encouragingly through a list of prospective baby names. It's only when I left that I let it go.

I know it's not her fault she's pregnant. But there's almost something more devastating about it because we had our first pregnancies / babies / maternity leave together. It's not her fault but it still actually physically hurts. (I actually should get a grip!!)

Is there any reason to turn this into a nasty scrap just because of it is in AIBU, QueenofDiamonds? It is not mandatory to be unpleasant, you know. Your post is foul and you meant it to be upsetting. Shame on you.

OhDoAdmit I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I can't begin to imagine what you and your family must have gone through. I agree with your post. Very harsh indeed when what's needed is a bit of sensitivity. The feelings that the OP is expressing are relating to the stress and trauma of losing her babies and the fear that she may not be able to have another child. This friends pregnancy has stirred up all of these feelings. Of course it's not her fault but it's still a hard thing to deal with all the same. We are all only human after all.
.

DEVERE - exactly right. Sad for both. And OP I understand your position, I truly do. You have a long road to walk with this friend now with her just pregnant. It will be difficult and can you manage it? Is the friendship strong enough, deep enough and important enough to work through all of this? Good luck to you in all of the issues raised here. I imagine you have a very heavy heart.

curious I was talking to the poster who said she can help being pregnant, and implied that as she said she didn't want a baby, she shouldn't have one. That is what the get a grip comment was about.

ariel I'm not being nasty. It just bugs me when women do this ridiculous cliquey exclusion shit. If the OP and comments had said "I am thinking of explaining to my friend that I need some space, as I am feeling overwhelmed by others pregnancies" I would have agreed that that is the best thing to do and understandable.

To just drop someone who is supposed to be a friend though, for something they can't help, is just nasty, especially if they would then think it acceptable to pick up where the friendship left off later down the line when their life is going how they want again.

I meant nothing to be upsetting, I'd get your crystal ball fixed if I were you.