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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel I have just witnessed child abuse?

209 replies

mrsrosieb · 14/08/2012 13:15

Please note I have only used medical terms in this post and nothing I am writing is meant to be insulting towards obese people.

I have just witnessed a morbidly obese woman pushing a pram with 2 older children-one about 9 and one about 14. These children are dangerously obese from a medical point of view.

I felt so sorry for them. If mum wants to eat a diet that makes her obese that is her choice and I have no problem with that. What I have a real issue with is raising children that may go on to suffer heart disease and diabetes-plus getting a ragging from the school bullies.

I know the SS have removed children like this. Am I right in thinking this is child abuse?

OP posts:
cricketballs · 14/08/2012 14:50

BlackberryIce - I was thinking the same question; my youngest DS is autistic but he doesn't have any weight issues despite him being very obsessive about certain foods (not the healthiest foods either!) as I counter this with encouraging fruit etc and exercise

cricketballs · 14/08/2012 14:56

kladdkakka - thanks for that additional information, but as a parent of an autistic son who also has severe developmental delays etc it is up to the parent to counteract the issues and not use them as an excuse. I'm not saying its easy, but we have in the main managed over the past 13 years to keep him on an almost healthy diet and exercise.

However, I do hold this as one of the 1000s of things that I worry about when we are no longer able to care for him.....

ouryve · 14/08/2012 14:56

re: autism and diet, Kladdkaka gave a very full explanation. Both of my boys have autism and eating issues. We have to work hard with DS1 to keep his weight up. When he's eating well, he eats as much as me and ust maintains a healthy weight. It doesn't take much for his appetite to completely disappear, though and when he's anxious he frequently misses meals and the weight falls off him. Occasionally (though much more rarely than when he was younger), he goes the other way and eats and eats and becomes extremely distressed and angry if he doesn't get all the food he wants.

Some kids with ASD can take either of these behaviours to extremes. When the newspapers are spouting shock headlines about 5 year olds with eating disorders, my suspicion is that these children are far more likely to have ASD than be on the often mythical weight loss diet gone wrong.

Psammead · 14/08/2012 14:57

I don't think it is child abuse, necessarily, but if the OPs assumptions are correct, and if the following has not yet occured, and if there are no other medical issues involved, then I think someone needs to intervene on behalf of the children and help the mum wrt diet and exercise for the family.

Kladdkaka · 14/08/2012 15:02

kladdkakka - thanks for that additional information, but as a parent of an autistic son who also has severe developmental delays etc it is up to the parent to counteract the issues and not use them as an excuse. I'm not saying its easy, but we have in the main managed over the past 13 years to keep him on an almost healthy diet and exercise.

Good for you. I haven't so I guess I'm just a shit parent then.

Hammy02 · 14/08/2012 15:04

I just think it is up to the parent to control what their child eats. I didn't realise that was contraversial.

Original poster
mrsrosieb · 14/08/2012 15:11

As some other posters have pointed out the family may already be getting support-but if not I hope something can be arranged.

I actually have medical reasons to be overweight myself, but try my best to eat healthy and exercise. The result is that I am in the healthy weight range, but it is a struggle to maintain this.

I am not trying to say the mum is malicious towards her children. The vast majority of child neglect does not occur maliciously-there are very good reasons such as learning difficulties which hamper some peoples' parenting abilities.

It has just made me so sad to witness this.

OP posts:
KinkyDorito · 14/08/2012 15:25

doublevodka she's getting there, thank you Smile. She's 19 months through 2.5 years of treatment for leukaemia. We have our ups and downs - she's 14 this week, and, unfortunately, pubescent girls can have quite a tough time on chemo. Roll on end of April 2013!

WelshMaenad · 14/08/2012 15:31

blackberryice, re: Georgia, she's doing really well. She's lost over ten stone in hospital and I think she's going back to wellspring (the US 'fat camp') for more help. She lives near me so I've taken something of an interest. I hope she gets the right help. And is rehoused away from her bloody parents to give her a fighting chance!

Trazzletoes · 14/08/2012 15:34

My BMI is bang on 30 and I had numerous chats from my midwife while pregnant about how to lose weight, how to join WeightWatchers etc etc. I'd be amazed if someone who was morbidly obese managed to avoid the lectures.

BlackberryIce · 14/08/2012 15:37

welsh thanks for the update and glad to hear she is doing so well. I think going back to her parents is a death sentence, hope she manages to remain independent from them!

PoppyAmex · 14/08/2012 15:38

OP you didn't "witness child abuse" - you saw a group of people on the street and judged them based on minimal information.

As people on thread pointed out, the children may have mental/physical health issues, the woman might be carrying baby weight, the woman might be their CM or aunt... and the list goes on.

KinkyDorito really brave of you to share that, I'll be thinking of your daughter hope it all goes well.

BlueMoon74 · 14/08/2012 15:45

My MIL overfed all four of her children (including my DH). Three are still obese/morbidly obese now (all adults). DH is still mentally scarred from this abuse - and yes, he calls it abuse. At 15 yrs old, he was 17 stone. He's now 12 stone. MIL still doesn't acknowledge that she overfeeds - indeed, she comments regularly on DH now saying things like 'Is your wife not feeding you properly?' 'Oh you used to look so much better when you had some meat on your bones' etc etc. She just cannot see that fat = unhealthy.

However, as ppl have said, there could be any number of reasons why the kids were fat. So we can't jump to conclusions. BUT it is awful to see fat children and I feel so sorry for them. :(

manicinsomniac · 14/08/2012 15:55

It's an interesting debate. Not as simple as overweight parents overfeed their kids and underweight parents starve their kids though!

I am very underweight (I have anorexia). My older daughter (9yo) is also underweight, very picky with food and a reluctant eater. She does not think she's fat but she thinks being fat is a terrible thing and she's frightened of unhealthy food. I have not starved my daughter . I encourage her to eat a varied diet and I have tried my very best to make sure that she develops a positive body image, is unaware of my issues and does not base self worth on appearance. Despite all that, it looks like I have failed in that somewhere. Maybe the issues are genetic, maybe they are environmental, maybe it's a mixture of the two. But at some point along the line I have damaged my child. Have I abused her? I don't think so, personally.

I would say the issue with overweight parents is exactly the same. They may not be overfeeding their children, they may be encouraging them into healthy eating patterns and trying to boost their self confidence. But their children might share the parents' issues. They might comfort eat, have a large appetite, eat in secret, have very low self esteem etc for a combination of genetic and environmental reasons.

So, while I do think these parents need help, I don't think it's a simple solution and I don't think they should be judged for what could be an unintentional passing on of a personal issue.

LadyBeagleEyes · 14/08/2012 16:00

Wow welsh, 10 stone is amazing.
Agree that there's no way she should go back to her mother.
That was clearly a form of abuse

WorraLiberty · 14/08/2012 16:10

That would depend on the child's age surely manic?

I mean for a child to become morbidly obese with parents who feed them healthily and see they get regular exercise...they'd surely have to be old enough to feed themselves in order to get into that state?

MadameCupcake · 14/08/2012 16:10

I don't think the OP started this as a mean spirited thread - it sounded like a genuine question/comment to me.

No - no-one knows why they are all overweight but if it is due to a bad diet and the parents not giving the children healthy food then it is neglect and very unfair and eventually could be dangerous for the children.

manicinsomniac · 14/08/2012 16:12

True - but the children in the OP are 9 and 14 (ish). More than old enough to have picked up on and/or developed their own problems and be acting on them themselves.

MarysBeard · 14/08/2012 16:14

I don't think it's abuse. It's very hard not to pass on your own anxiety/issues about eating/eating habits to your kids. Some people manage not to, but I think that is the minority. Also I think there is a genetic aspect.

Ohhelpohnoitsa · 14/08/2012 16:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

janji · 14/08/2012 16:18

My sister has always been overweight (as have I sadly) but she has continued to become morbidly obese as the years have gone by. She is now in her early thirties and I am truly afraid for her future. Her health is bad (asthma from a young age, mobility problems) and I do wonder if tackling her weight at an earlier age would have set her on a healthier track for later life. However, not sure what could have been realistically done as have no real expertise in this (hence my own diet struggles / emotional eatin etc).
How could healthy eating be enforced.
As a teacher I have encountered many obese children with parents who adore them but who find it very difficult to manage the problem.

hackmum · 14/08/2012 16:22

Well, assuming the family haven't got a pre-existing health condition, then it is abuse. But the problem is it's not abuse like beating a child, is it? It's a kind of unintentional abuse. The parents don't know how to feed themselves healthy food and they pass on their unhealthy habits to their children. There seems to be a whole group of people who have somehow missed the message that a diet of burger, chips and coke isn't good for you. They're not evil, just not terribly, um, aware.

sancerreity · 14/08/2012 16:34

I don't think it's that easy to control what a 14 yo eats.

HmmThinkingAboutIt · 14/08/2012 16:36

I've witnessed a 8 year old child being told off until they finished their dinner in Gourmet Burger. Kid was full and didn't want to eat anymore.

Which would be fine - except the kid had a starter, large burger, fries and salad, large milkshake. And they'd already recieved desert which he had ploughed half his way though.

And they were still berating him and shouting at him for not finishing his dinner.

Its not like the portion sizes are small there. Me and DH can generally only manage a burger each and fries to share between us. DH is a big bloke and couldn't imagine eating that much himself.

We were slightly godsmacked to say the least - not by how much they eat, but the way they were forcefully trying to make their already well fed child eat even more.

I do think for the most part there isn't an issue about what parents feed children. However I do there are are certain situations and cases where it definitely is an issue.

ppeatfruit · 14/08/2012 16:47

There is a book out called Wheat Belly by William Davis M.D. and he puts most obesity down to, you've guessed it, wheat! i maintain a healthy weight by not eating it at all. There is an addictive side to it (hence the ill effects of burgers but also of what a lot of people would call healthy brown wheat sandwiches)

There are so many people who are unaware of its many side effects which include depression and autism (i saw a t.v. programme about autistic D.C.s who were licking the wallpaper due to the wheat in the glue Shock the mum noted a great improvement in their symptoms when they were totally off it.