To make my excuses and leave?

[BettySuarez]

Arrived today with DH and DS's (in their teens) to stay with my sister for a few days (she has a younger child who absolutely adores his elder cousins so this has been a long awaited visit)

Plan is to stay 3 nights.

Sister has always taken a very laid back approach to housework but oh my goodness the state of the house is terrible and i feel very uncomfortable.

The floors, sofas, tables etc are filthy. The bathrooms and loos are pretty horrible and we have all been accommodated into rooms with unclean bedding (I offered to bring our own but was told not necessary)

My own standards at home are also pretty laid back but my sisters house is just shocking.

I have been trying to help out today around the house and even offered to clean the bathroom for her (I desperately tried to not make it sound like a criticism but more like an acknowledgement of the fact that extra guests must be causing her a lot of extra work)

But she has refused (seemed quite annoyed by my suggestion ). I often think I can detect a level of pride in her voice that she us not 'houseproud'

Anyway, what the hell do we do? I really don't want to upset her and don't want to disappoint my nephew but I don't think I can stay here

Shit shit shit!!!!

What ended up happening?? I think there's no excuse for that amount of filth with EXPECTED guests. It shows such a level of disrespect. I'd be mortified!

OMG I would never ring social services on my brother for that. I assume she spoke to him about it first? The only excuse for ringing social services would be if he ignored the problem or couldn't see the problem and i think then i would go round everyday and clean it rather than ring SS.

"On this occasion, it is easier to lie and just not stay again IMO. "

What I meant was I wouldn´t lie about why I was washing/cleaning-just say that it needs doing.

TBH though, I´d leave as I´d assume I wasn´t wanted there.

Doesn't matter how different people's 'standards' (or lack of them) are, dirty bedding for guests is just plain rude.
Ginnybag is quite right too - "Oh, and if her hand towels are minging, and she's preparing food from scratch, I'd be very worried about eating. She's sitting on that toilet, washing her hands (we hope!) and then drying them on that towel - and then cooking! "

I hate this attitude of there being more important things in life than cleaning. Today, it is so easy to have a basic level of hygiene, however much of an eco-warrior you are, that it doesn't have to consume your entire life. And if you know that people are coming...

The OP's sister clearly has been deliberately foul imo, just to provoke a reaction.

And if it was me staying there, she'd be getting one!

I'm sorry - I really would just tell her.

It might bruise her ego a little but I'd rather that than my sister and her DC living in squalor!

She might need the kick up the arse.

Does anyone really think that she would care?

Surely she´ll just accuse OP of being precious?

Lol at "engineer a leak" slightlysuperior !
Brilliant! Where were you last night?

It is probably a bit of a control game. Just be straightforward-she can live however she likes, but YOU choose not to sleep on dirty sheets or use a dirty bathroom, and she not force you to. Clean the minimum you have to be comfortable then shrug off anything she says.

She's your sister. The dirt is unlikely to kill you. Sounds absolutely disgusting, but for your nephew's sake I think you should keep stum.

I have a friend whose house is like this. I've spent a lot of time round there with my children and we're still alive.

Why the pussyfooting with saying a child spilt a drink or whatever?

I would just come out with it... "you told me I didn't need to bring bedding, I took that to mean we had clean sheets on our beds, we haven't, they are in fact minging, so I'm washing them, you filthy bugger "

Bumblebee - this wasn't a one off. It had been like that for months.

She'd had numerous conversations with her brother and her SIL (and her mum - who had also spoken to her son).

She had cleaned the house for them, top to bottom, on several occasions - it was never kept up.

You didn't see it. The kids bedroom, the sheets were grey (started off orange), and the walls were covered in dried on poo.

The fridge was full of rotten food. The utility room covered in mould.

The whole house stank. I left after an hour, and I had to wash my clothes twice to get them clean. This was after my friend had spent the whole day Vaxing the carpet, opened all the windows, washed all the laundry.

What else was she supposed to do? She told me later that she takes her nieces out and they smell of weeks old urine - it's on their clothes, their hair. Even if she'd gone and cleaned for them, if the parents were happy for their kids to live and sleep in that, they're not doing a great job caring for them.

They're two and four, not in school yet, so no-one to flag it externally.

The kids were pulled for a bit, then returned and SS are doing spot checks to make sure the house doesn't slip again.

My point was that, if OP's sister's house is as bad as she describes, and getting worse, it could, eventually, become a problem if the school ever flag it.

I don't think I could stay there. I'd either have to do a massive clean up or leave. Your description of the bathroom makes me want to puke. And dirty bedding ... makes my skin itch to think of it.

Could you buy your sons sleeping bags, just tell sis that you had been meaning to buy them for ages and it seemed like a good time to buy them?

My mum doesn't allways put clean sheets on the bed I sleep in, other family members also stay there when they visit, I don't really mind as it doesnt bother me if its other family members so long as it isnt couples ewww but when we visited last I was about 12 weeks pregnant and worried for weeks before that my super pregnancy nose and morning sickness wouldnt be able to cope so i just said to her could she leave clean bedding out and id change it (we were ariving at 2 in the morning) she changed the sheets before we arived.

A bit of dirt wont actually hurt you, it might do you some good ;)

enjoy your holiday :)

I know I'm a slattern, but I think that's totally gross

I have, accidentally given a guest unwashed bedding :( I thought DH had already sorted it out. I was mortified when I realised the next day

Cannot understand why people feel the need to tiptoe around their immediate family! Just say "your house is minging, and if you want me to stay here I'm going to have to do x, y and z to clean it up". Then blitz it.

By the way, I don't think you need to be sad about teenage boys sleeping on a dirty sofa...

What did you do Betty?

I grew up in a house like that, it's not nice at all.

I am torn though. I am also not very tidy, DH and I are both unwell long term and I have quite heavy mental health issues which make it very hard for me to look after myself let alone the house. DCs are always clean and in fresh clothes though.

There is also something that would click if somebody was visiting - we will do the most important bits. I would be horrified and devastated if anyone started a thread about my house so I try and make it acceptable (ie untidy but not disgusting). If I honestly thought I couldn't fix it in time I would cancel.

Betty?
Sooooooo?

I'm not houseproud - i hate cleaning up.

if this was my sister, I would say "Sis, this house is a shithole. I want to stay with you, but I'm not staying in this shit, so I'm going to clean as much as I can for you."

I know you've said she said not to, but really, i wouldn't ask my sister, I'd tell her.
at least you've been able to clean some towels.

Sorry for abandoning thread - poor wifi here. We decided to stick it out and combined some stealth cleaning with day long trips around the local area!

I was on the verge of saying something but decided to be diplomatic