To make my excuses and leave?

[BettySuarez]

Arrived today with DH and DS's (in their teens) to stay with my sister for a few days (she has a younger child who absolutely adores his elder cousins so this has been a long awaited visit)

Plan is to stay 3 nights.

Sister has always taken a very laid back approach to housework but oh my goodness the state of the house is terrible and i feel very uncomfortable.

The floors, sofas, tables etc are filthy. The bathrooms and loos are pretty horrible and we have all been accommodated into rooms with unclean bedding (I offered to bring our own but was told not necessary)

My own standards at home are also pretty laid back but my sisters house is just shocking.

I have been trying to help out today around the house and even offered to clean the bathroom for her (I desperately tried to not make it sound like a criticism but more like an acknowledgement of the fact that extra guests must be causing her a lot of extra work)

But she has refused (seemed quite annoyed by my suggestion ). I often think I can detect a level of pride in her voice that she us not 'houseproud'

Anyway, what the hell do we do? I really don't want to upset her and don't want to disappoint my nephew but I don't think I can stay here

Shit shit shit!!!!

Op, I understand why your son's sleeping on a dirty soda under a dirty blanket makes you sad. I feel sad on your behalf!

Just do the basics. Clean one loo, find clean sheets (or sleep on top in clothes, clean a bit of the kitchen if you can.

I think you do need to say something to her, but perhaps quietly when the two of you are alone - can DH take DSs off somewhere so that you two can have some time alone? Difficult, as she may kick off again, but perhaps you can couch it in terms of being concerned about her and whether she is actually coping as well as she thinks she is. Dirty bedding for visitors is pretty bad, and whatever the state of the rest of the house, that's the one that really suggests that she has gone beyond being a bit casual. She may be offended, but perhaps that's a risk you need to take. Is there anyone else you can talk to about it - a parent? Another sibling? It does sound as though there may be some underlying issue doesn't it?

Honestly I wouldn't have put my little kids to sleep on a dirt crusted sofa under a dirty blanket. There is no excuse, a little soap and water doesn't cost much and even if she were the biggest lentil weaver out there you don't live in dirt. The granola lentil weavers here clean with white vinegar and safe soaps and cleaners, no excuses.
She is being disgusting and just cause you don't want her to kick off doesn't mean you put up with it. Rent a hotel for tomorrow night and tell her why, if she wants to live in filth thats her business. and Social services does take kids for living in filth, she may want to get over her idea of living for the shock value and act like a grown up. Shame on her for putting you and your in such a situation and for letting her kiddy live in it.

My goodness, tought my house was a tip till i read this. Cna;t believe how grubby your sister has been. I would have cleaned and cleand if we had people staying over!!!

Does she have issues with cleaning due to 'environmental / natural is best hippie type morals?

How far are you from home? Could you buy cheap sleeping bags and say the kids are chilly?

Tough one

Stuff the sleeping bags. Agree with getting acheap hotel...

I'd have to change the sheets, and I'd clean the bathroom while I was in there.

Aside from mental health problems. I find the idea of having a house this dirty hard to understand, especially with guests

Difficult one. We have all got our own standards haven't we. We just stayed with a relative of my dh. They are loaded, massive house with pool and maid but her 4 dogs smelled so awful I thought I was going to throw up.

I think you may risk a big fall out so just clean the immediate bit you can without her knowing and make an excuse that there has been an emergency at work or something and depart early.

Yy, leave and call SS to remove her poor kids from the filth

What an over reaction, to some dirt

I think there is more to this, from what you have said about your sister

I now think you should definitely collect.your family together and leave your poor sister and her hospitality when you get up. How would she feel if you showed het this thread?

I would have to leave.
I couldn't stay in a dirty house...one reason why I hated vising ILS. The toilet was always filthy.

It depends on your relationship with your sister.

If it was me with my sister I would say 'show me where the Hoover is an then go have a bath or sit the fuck down & relax whilst I tidy up' then clean the whole house. I would assume that things had gotten on top of her with DC and she hadn't had time to clean.

If this isn't the case then I would want her to know it needs cleaning up a bit & my sister would realise that. Like I said - this depends on your relationship.

I don't think I could put up with it though.

Did you sleep OP?

our bedroom is swarming with moths and fruit flies

Start looking because you are going to find a rotting piece of fruit somewhere.

I suppose it does depend on your relationship. I used to work with a girl many moons ago who was the most slovenly house keeper ever. I just could not understand how, when you are both out at work all day, how a house could be come such a shit hole. She loved it when I stayed, because she would get up and the house would be sparkling.

I shudder at the memory of the bloody cats worms all over the window sill. How any one can have a self cleaning oven and not put the cleaner in it is beyond me.

Bathroom would do it for me - poopy toilets ikk ikk ikk! I'd be in there with my marigolds and a bottle of bleach.

Is her kitchen clean enough to eat from? or have I watched too much Kim and Aggie and theres botulism in every corner?

On a more serious note, is she ok, your sister? is she letting everything get on top of her? Are there underlying issues?

where did you eat last night?

Betty. I completely understand. We have a similar issue with a relative. She's a lovely girl but (self admittedly) really lazy about the house. Her husband was brought up in a house that looked more or less like theirs does now so he doesn't see an issue.

She is also somewhat 'proud' about the state of the house. She has plenty of time to clean (really, really not a problem) and there's nothing wrong with her mental health she just prefers to do other things.

Mostly now when we visit we stay in a hotel and suggest lots of meals out. This of course makes visiting really expensive so we visit much less than we used to.

Those posters saying 'just grab some clean sheets' clearly have never been to a house like this. There probably aten't any clean sheets. If there are they certainly won't be neatly stacked in an airing cupboard somewhere. They are probably buried deep in the hosts' bedroom under lots of 'stuff'. It's really not possible to barge in.

Also however close the OP is to her sister it is a really difficult thing to say to someone that you can't bear to be in their home.

My advice Betty is to do what you can quietly in the bathroom. Grit your teeth about the rest this visit and stay somewhere else next time.

You tried the diplomatic approach, without success. You need to leave. And if she makes an issue of it-tell her why (not unkindly) She "courts" confrontation? Fucking give it to her!! You don't invite guests to stay in those conditions. There is no way I'd stay.

Yuck! I could not bear it either.

YANBU. What did you do? Do you stay?

She may not have spare bedding. I don't. I have one set, washed in a morning and hopefully dry enough to put back on at night.

I would imagine the OPs sister would be very insulted if she bunged the bedding in the washing machine.

I'd got for a stealth clean of a loo, nip out to buy a towel and unfortunately grin and bear it.

Cup of tea in bed. Spill cup of tea. "Oh, must get these sheets into the wash before the stain sets, sorry sorry, dsis"

Or, preferably, have them in before she gets up so it's too late.

Get some anti bac wipes and wipe round the loo seat before you use it.

Buy a couple of cheapie towels to use while there, take home in suitcase.

Unfortunately, it sounds like any kind of challenge will mean your sister thinks she's "won" and you're a snobby, judgy cow. I would quietly do the basics and decline all future invites as "We obviously put you to too much trouble last time"

If the house is this bad and they are anti chemicals you're not going to find any decent cleaning products in her cupboards either . God what a terrible situation. I once stayed in a place like this - rooms piled high with rubbish, dirty cutlery everywhere, furniture covered with pet hair, dogs allowed to luck the plates after meals . I managed to get through the night by getting very drunk and collapsing on to the dirty sheets! Disappeared sharpish the next day though!

Being "organic, homeopathic, natural" etc. is no excuse for being disgusting. Most people who avoid domestic chemicals find other methods of cleaning, not just leave it. Vinegar and sodium bicarb are your friends in these instances, to say nothing of the more natural products that can be bought in shops. Really quite irritating when people think that being organic, natural, etc somehow = utterly slatternly.

Re. the sinks - you can avoid touching those, but if not, then find something and swill them out.
Re. the loo seat - use babywipes if you have any.
Re. the bedding - sneak it into the washing machine, say one of the kids has wet themselves or something - this and the loo seats are the worst aspects of your sister's filth for me so far.
Re. the hoovering/floor/dusting/crusty furniture - just avoid touching it wherever possible, keep shoes/socks on your DC and your own feet.
Re. the towels - either stick those in the wash with the bedlinen, say you used them to clean up after DC, or buy cheapy ones as has already been suggested.

I have stayed overnight in student houses that have been cleaner than your sister's house sounds and been very uncomfortable, and I am by no means a perfectionist!
I'd be very tempted to get her any one of these books for her next present - not passive aggressive, more flat-out aggressive, tbh - because then she would have NO excuse. A peck of dirt for immune system function is fine; shovel-loads isn't.

I´d leave tbh.

If she wants to live like that-fine!

OP doesn´t-and why should she clean her sister´s house??!!

Morning everyone and thank you for your replies. Feeling grotty this morning but do feel a bit better for sleeping on things.

Have had a quiet word with DH who is also shocked about the state of the house but general feeling is that we should stick it out.

I'm going to need to brave the shower this morning and also get boys into shower so will see if I can find some cleaning stuff somewhere. She has washing up liquid if nothing else!

I think if she says something then I will just stick to the facts and say something like 'I need to shower but can't shower in that' or something anyway!!

Kitchen utensils and plates etc are sparkling clean btw because they have a dishwasher and no concerns re meals as everything organic or homegrown and freshly cooked (bless)

Plan is to go out for the day with the kids so hopefully not back until late so will try to pick up cheap sheets if possible.

She did ask why the washing machine was on this morning so I just said that I couldn't find any clean towels and left it at that. She laughed at me (not in a kind way) as she obviously thinks I am pathetic but I really can't be arsed to play get games.

Main reason I want to stay is for my nephew

Thumbwitch I hope I haven't suggested that organic/natural etc = filth etc.

I think my sister tries to use this as an excuse though - sorry if I have caused anyone offense!

Why all this pussy footing around? She's your sister, your blood. Just clean everything and enjoy your family time. God my sister would have a fit if she saw my house in its messy state, but she'd give me a good talking to and clean up. I wouldn't get offended, just laugh and tell her to get on with it.

Wrt sheets, just say you spilled some juice or coffee on the bed and wash them.