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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make my excuses and leave?

120 replies

BettySuarez · 14/08/2012 00:09

Arrived today with DH and DS's (in their teens) to stay with my sister for a few days (she has a younger child who absolutely adores his elder cousins so this has been a long awaited visit)

Plan is to stay 3 nights.

Sister has always taken a very laid back approach to housework but oh my goodness the state of the house is terrible and i feel very uncomfortable.

The floors, sofas, tables etc are filthy. The bathrooms and loos are pretty horrible and we have all been accommodated into rooms with unclean bedding (I offered to bring our own but was told not necessary)

My own standards at home are also pretty laid back but my sisters house is just shocking.

I have been trying to help out today around the house and even offered to clean the bathroom for her (I desperately tried to not make it sound like a criticism but more like an acknowledgement of the fact that extra guests must be causing her a lot of extra work)

But she has refused (seemed quite annoyed by my suggestion ). I often think I can detect a level of pride in her voice that she us not 'houseproud'

Anyway, what the hell do we do? I really don't want to upset her and don't want to disappoint my nephew but I don't think I can stay here Sad

Shit shit shit!!!!

OP posts:
diddl · 14/08/2012 08:25

I think that it´s beyond rude to present visitors with dirty bedlinen & a dirty bathroom.

I´d be upset & thinking that the person didn´t give a toss about me & my family.

Peacocklady · 14/08/2012 08:29

I've been in a similar situation with a friend. My kids woke up with cat fur stuck to them and there were kind of gritty bits all over. In the morning I went to try and get some breakfast for the kids and the dog had wee'd and shat all over the floor. No loo roll etc. When we arrived She'd said we'd got there a bit early and she'd just had chance to get the cat poo out of the bath! I got shitfaced which took the edge off but the morning with the dog poo kitchen nearly finished me off. She sorted that after a momentous lie in as always and I kind of went "pleeeese let me do a little Hoover". Her way of reconciling me cleaning her house to herself was by saying I have OCD and so lets me do it. Not stayed since though and loathe to again! She sees people cleaning for her as an insult; it's her choice.
My advice is to grin and bear it, it won't kill you, or try the jokey 'I have OCD' method making out it's your compulsion clean rather than her problem.

CailinDana · 14/08/2012 08:30

I am in no way houseproud but that level of filth would really bother me. I know how awkward it can be to say these things though, especially to family, and your sister certainly sounds like she enjoys making you feel uncomfortable, perhaps to prove to herself how "uptight" you are?

DH and I stayed with his best friend once. We arrived late and I went into the bathroom without my glasses to get ready for bed then went to sleep. Sheets were clean thank god, but when I went into the bathroom again in the morning with my glasses on, I nearly puked! There were inches of encrusted dirt all over the place, which I hadn't seen the night before due to being very short sighted. I told DH in no uncertain terms that I was never staying there again, that he could visit on his own in future. Cleaning and tidying for guests is a matter of courtesy and it is extremely rude to expect them to put up with dirt IMO.

Lexie1970 · 14/08/2012 08:32

Sounds awful but you are making the best of it.

Hope you find SOMETHING to clean bathroom and loo .......,,

Have your sons commented or are they at that age where cleanliness is no longer next to Godliness ??!! :)

shrodingerscat · 14/08/2012 08:35

So her feelings will be hurt if you leave, but she has always been dismissive of other people's feelings? That sounds manipulative and self centred. If you leave and just tell her straight, that you feel uncomfortable in her house, what will happen?

Thumbwitch · 14/08/2012 08:38

No, Betty, I wasn't offended - just irritated that your sister seemed to be using it as an excuse, when it isn't one. :)

porcamiseria · 14/08/2012 08:40

I have a similar friend OP

I always ALWAYS hide a clean sheet and pillow case in my bag
I then use the excuse that I have period and dont want to stain sheet!!!!

and then I fxxk her off my washing up, and "helping"

its a tough one, think you need to grin a bear it and accept your differemces

shrodingerscat · 14/08/2012 08:40

Just saw your last post: She laughed at me (not in a kind way) as she obviously thinks I am pathetic but I really can't be arsed to play get games

Do you think she has any respect for you?

ihatethecold · 14/08/2012 08:53

What do the rest of the family think?

You mentioned having a big family get together on wed
Personally I would be gone. Checked into a hotel.
I just don't get why anyone lives like thisSad

Goldenbear · 14/08/2012 10:05

I think you should tell her in a jokey way. If she says you're uptight about cleanliness, show her this thread. I know it can be hard to be straight talking with a sibling if you just don't have that kind of relationship though. My brother is the opposite to your sister, I'm not being lighthearted in saying I think he has OCD. I feel very nervous when I stay as they are very regimented in how things are put away. They have intimidating cupboards that when opened have mechanised compartments that open up or row upon row of tupperware (posh tuppaware) faces you with different food types in them. A cupboard of childrens' dinnerware. Mind you given the opposite, I think I prefer this scenario.

Someone posted that they had to sleep on all sorts of grime when living as a student in a shared house. I think most people can tolerate this at a young age, when most people are not concerned with housework but there comes a point when you've literally had enough of that kind of shit living. Also, it is not fair on young children as in most cases they have no choice as to the cleanliness of a house. I stayed at a friend's student house and was given a bed to sleep in that had blood stained sheets half way down that I assume where as a result of that time of the month. Needless to say I slept in my clothes on top of the duvet, but it was new years eve so I was too drunk to be that upset about it!

Leena49 · 14/08/2012 10:07

I've just had a friend text to say she is pooping round with breakfast buns. I have just had a whizz round to make sure things are clean. It's not a major job to clean a loo and change some sheets is it. 20 mins?
She has no pride!

TeWiDoesTheHulaInHawaii · 14/08/2012 10:12

I would do the minimum cleaning to make you feel comfortable - if she comments on you washing sheets just say "oh, dc spilt a drink on sheets so just clearing it up - don't want to impose on you since you are kindly putting us up and feeding us." "DS must've poo'd on the loo seat, just clearing it up" etc.

Don't do more than that though.

diddl · 14/08/2012 10:19

Why should OP have to lie about why she is doing stuff?

It´s hardly as if the sister doesn´t know that she gave her dirty sheets & doesn´t clean the bathroom...

margarethamilton · 14/08/2012 10:19

I'd be at the supermarket buying some wipes myself and doing some surrupticious cleaning. But I know it's hard.

I wouldn't know where to start in my friend's house. It's filthy and untidy but she gets a kick out of making me feel shallow and uptight for having a 'normal' clean house.

TeWiDoesTheHulaInHawaii · 14/08/2012 10:22

Because if she tells the truth it will cause a massive row and dramallamaing when there's about to be a massive family meet-up.

On this occasion, it is easier to lie and just not stay again IMO.

CuriousMama · 14/08/2012 10:26

I was wondering what the rest of the family think too?

Also if you stay there again why not take sleeping bags? If she asks why just tell her. She's your sister.

Am glad you got some sleep though.

CuriousMama · 14/08/2012 10:30

Exdh is minging and laughs about it too.

DS1 is almost 15 so obviously not into housework but even he is thinking of cleaning exdh's pit! I'm buying some cleaning wipes for him and ds2 next time I'm in town and they can use them. In summer it smells more so I think it's getting to them.

I just tell exdh he's minging though and buy him scented candles as gifts when we go anywhere. He's always over the moon with them Hmm I even still cut his hair and we've been split over 7 years. I used to badger him to have it cut as he embarrasses ds2 when it's sticking out like horns. Now I just wait until he asks. He asked last week and I did it yesterday. Dp is amazing and totally understands the way it is. He gets on well with his exdw so that helps. My sister thinks we all belong in Take a break Grin

CherryBlossom27 · 14/08/2012 10:42

Yuck! If it was me I'd get out to the nearest shop and buy some rubber gloves, a bottle of bleach and a bottle of cif, some cheap clothes and get the bathroom cleaned up whilst you are 'having a shower'.

I think going out and buying some cheap sheets and quilt covers is worth it for your own sanity as well.

Pretty awful that your sister hasn't made any effort to clean up before you got there :(

Bumblebee333 · 14/08/2012 10:45

I would just do things as you go along. Try and find where the cleaning stuff is without asking and go from there.

flapperghasted · 14/08/2012 10:49

If it was my sister I'd say, these sheets are a bit loppy Jen, did you miss that? Where's the washing machine I'll just run em through for you.

She'd be mortified but rather that than say nothing. Mind you, it wouldn't happen with her...much more likely to happen with me :) Even though I am a bit sloppy around the house day to day, and I really am, I always make sure that the living area is clean and tidy, in case people come to call, that the kitchen is cleanish, so I can make refreshments for folks without being repulsive, and if people come to stay the house gets cleaned, top to bottom. New bedding is used sometimes or else everything is freshly laundered and ironed.

In fact the only reason why we ask people to come and stay is because it forces us to do the 'big clean'. Blush

ToffeeWhirl · 14/08/2012 10:51

Haven't had time to read the whole thread, but I think you should stick it out, op. Your relationship with your sister is more important than the state of her house. You only have a couple of days to get through and then you'll be back in your own home again and no harm done, whereas if you challenge your sister about it, she will get defensive and you might fall out over it. I'm sure your DC probably won't even notice the state of the house and will just enjoy the family get-together. However, I would think twice about going back there again. Maybe she could come to you next time or you stay in a hotel near her home?

Sympathies though. It's sounds horrible.

SlightlySuperiorPeasant · 14/08/2012 10:54

It sounds grim.

I am not the most houseproud person in the world but everything is clean and presentable, everyone has clean bedding, clean towels etc. I would die of shame if pre-arranged guests arrived and the house was in a state. It's just rude.

I did once babysit for a friend and was shocked at the state of their house. I was trying to get the baby to sleep so I could clean it :o Later that year their house flooded and I was delighted to help with the clean-up job, it was just the excuse I was looking for! Maybe engineer a leak...

Honestly, if I was in your situation my first priority would be to get you and the DC somewhere clean to sleep. Buy cheap sheets and a blanket. I'd also get antibacterial wipes, spray, a multipack of cloths, bathroom cleaner, loo cleaner, bin bags, marigolds and a loo brush. Give the bathroom a good scrub before you have a shower, then if you can't sleep anyway get up when DSis is asleep and clean downstairs. It's then a done deed and so what if she kicks you all out, you were considering leaving anyway and you've done your nephew (and her) a massive favour with hopefully lasting effects. When she challenges you on it, be honest and say that the house was filthy and you could not either stay in such unhygienic conditions or leave her and her son in them.

Thymeout · 14/08/2012 11:01

I think she's probably as irritated by what she would describe to her friends as your OCDness as you are about her living in squalor. People have hugely different attitudes to dirt. Sounds to me as if she's well aware of how you feel but is damned if she's going to pander to it. "Take us as you find us" school of thought.

It's a bit of a battle. I'd just go ahead and clean what you want with a big smile, saying, "Well, you know me..." and if she gets in a huff, she's lost.

Btw, bed bugs don't just materialise out of grime. They're imported, often by people who've been staying in 5* hotels in New York.

Schnarkle · 14/08/2012 11:11

I wouldn't clean up for her. I'd buy some cleaning wipes and before i used anything use them. She's obviously waiting for you to snap so she can retaliate.

I would never stay again though.

ginnybag · 14/08/2012 11:16

I am not houseproud, and my house is often dusty and untidy, but bloody hell.

I make a point of having people round regularly because it forces me to get on top of it all.

And I'm adamant about three things - clean Kitchen, clean Bathroom, clean Bedding - especially for guests.

As a side note, a friend of mine recently invited me, DH and DD to stay with her when she was house sitting for her brother. (The brother knew!) I got to the door, and the smell from the front room carpet made me gag - stale urine, and worse, from the dog and the toddler that lived there.

The friend looked at me, smiled grimly, and asked me to look at the rest of the hose. When I was done, I told her I couldn't stay the night - no way was I asking DD to sleep in that. She looked at me and asked 'it's that bad then? I thought so, but I wanted someone with kids to look at it before I said anything. The look on your face....'

She rang SS the next day, and they removed the kids, so yes, SS will pull a child from a house that's not hygienic. It has to be pretty bad, but what you're saying doesn't sound too far off.

Oh, and if her hand towels are minging, and she's preparing food from scratch, I'd be very worried about eating. She's sitting on that toilet, washing her hands (we hope!) and then drying them on that towel - and then cooking!