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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make my excuses and leave?

120 replies

BettySuarez · 14/08/2012 00:09

Arrived today with DH and DS's (in their teens) to stay with my sister for a few days (she has a younger child who absolutely adores his elder cousins so this has been a long awaited visit)

Plan is to stay 3 nights.

Sister has always taken a very laid back approach to housework but oh my goodness the state of the house is terrible and i feel very uncomfortable.

The floors, sofas, tables etc are filthy. The bathrooms and loos are pretty horrible and we have all been accommodated into rooms with unclean bedding (I offered to bring our own but was told not necessary)

My own standards at home are also pretty laid back but my sisters house is just shocking.

I have been trying to help out today around the house and even offered to clean the bathroom for her (I desperately tried to not make it sound like a criticism but more like an acknowledgement of the fact that extra guests must be causing her a lot of extra work)

But she has refused (seemed quite annoyed by my suggestion ). I often think I can detect a level of pride in her voice that she us not 'houseproud'

Anyway, what the hell do we do? I really don't want to upset her and don't want to disappoint my nephew but I don't think I can stay here Sad

Shit shit shit!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
BettySuarez · 14/08/2012 00:45

Zigzag - she has always been laid-back about the house (ours is far from tidy but it is always clean particularly if we have guests staying)

I don't think there are underlying mental health issues to be honest. She often gets a kick out of other people's discomfort though - almost as if she is challenging me to say something

OP posts:
icecold · 14/08/2012 00:45

But, it doesn't matter whether it goes down 'without comment' .....

And I assume there is other sets of dry bedding somewhere?

I just have a much more straight forward relationship with my sister I suppose

anditwasallyellow · 14/08/2012 00:46

I am very laid back about cleaning because I hate doing it. I can easily go longer than most people before hoovering, dusting and mopping floors, partly because I am a lazy cow but mostly it's just ds and I and we always remove our shoes so they just don't get that dirty. I will leave the washing up until the next day if I'm tired and my ovens a disgrace.

But if I had guests I would always make sure that there was freshly washed bedding, clean and dry towels and a shiny toilet and bath with handwash and a clean hand towel, it's the least I would do.

If it's that bad you'll have to go home I've had to do it before.

BlackberryIce · 14/08/2012 00:47

She has a child.... How old? This is likely to be a problem with school, possibly neglect

Does she have a partner?

icecold · 14/08/2012 00:47

Haha....so probably, the state of the house isn't the real issue here, then?

numbum · 14/08/2012 00:48

Sounds horrid and I know I wouldnt be able to sleep in what you've described. Can't you feign illness and book in to a hotel so your sister doesnt catch it?! Or spill something on the bed sheets so they HAVE to be changed!

AgentZigzag · 14/08/2012 00:52

Whether she is or not, the fact you think she'd do this to play games with you is pretty shit Betty.

Her being defensive about the bathroom sounds like she could be spoiling for a fight.

Original poster
BettySuarez · 14/08/2012 00:54

Primary school aged child who is very loved.

They are a very 'natural' family though (homeopathic, organic, no artificial perfumes or household chemicals of any kind)

I am not afraid to roll my sleeves up and get stuck in, has never bothered me to tackle grime head on but she has made it pretty clear that i am not to do that.

If I suggest leaving tomorrow, she will be really hurt

OP posts:
laptopwieldingharpy · 14/08/2012 00:59

I'd give the bathroom a good scrub anyway before hopping into the shower, then leave wet marks so its less conspicuous?
Tbh, i could ot use the bathroom otherwise.

Casually do the washing up after breakfast and clean the surfaces as you go.
Put the towels in the machine after your/dc shower as if it were a natural habit and leave it at that.

laptopwieldingharpy · 14/08/2012 01:00

Can you wash the bedsheets while she's out shopping?

Original poster
BettySuarez · 14/08/2012 01:00

Zigzag - she has always been very dismissive of other people's feelings. In a 'stuff and nonsense' kind of way but with a slight edge to it.

But she is genuinely thrilled to bits that we are here (she is very family orientated and to her credit does a lot of the organising and instigation of family get togethers)

I am now downstairs in kitchen as can't sleep. To make matters worse our bedroom is swarming with moths and fruit flies (dozens of them on panel above my head). Flies no ones fault of course, just a hazard of country living

OP posts:
laptopwieldingharpy · 14/08/2012 01:01

Can you caually spill something on the floor and give it a good mopping too while you're at it! Grin

BlackberryIce · 14/08/2012 01:02

Much loved..... But not loved enough to provide the basics, a clean home

Sorry. Sounds like some tough talking is needed. Also, is she playing games with you?

Original poster
BettySuarez · 14/08/2012 01:06

Blackberry - I truly don't have any doubts about the welfare of her son. He is a happy little thing and very close to his mum.

I think she does play games a bit, has always tried to dictate what I (and I presume others) think or feel about various issues. So possibly quite controlling yes - feels weird admitting that about my own sister !

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 14/08/2012 01:06

Grin at laptop, 'Oh no I've made a clean bit, may as well do the rest of the house'

AgentZigzag · 14/08/2012 01:10

It's like she's trying to force you into accepting her as she is.

When you were growing up were your parents strict at all? (just thinking that it sounds like a rebelling teenager who's got to fight to be accepted for what they are)

cantspel · 14/08/2012 01:10

No matter how loved her little boy is he shouldn't have to live in a filthy home.
Poo on the loo seat and slimy sinks are gross and go way beyond a house just needing a hoover and dust.

BlackberryIce · 14/08/2012 01:12

How does he manage school? Bet he can't have friends home to play Sad

Is he grubby looking? Sorry, it's hard, it's your sister I know.

laptopwieldingharpy · 14/08/2012 01:19

I also think there is a control element in her attitude BTW.
Dsil has a 1y old. All other kids in the family are 5 to 20 years older. She is on a mission to teach us and her 70 y old parents of 4 how we have poisonned 2,generations with the use of domestic cleaning products, synthetic sports jerseys and non organic milk.
She has not even BF her child Shock horror!
We all love her like an old mad aunt.

Original poster
BettySuarez · 14/08/2012 01:31

That does sound familiar laptop

I usually manage it in good grace but am struggling in this context.

Prob best to sleep on it I think and make decision in morning (not that I can sleep - arggghhh!)

OP posts:
laptopwieldingharpy · 14/08/2012 01:37

Make a Brew and wash your bedsheets while evryone is sleeping? That's one thing ticked off your list!

ThatVikRinA22 · 14/08/2012 01:42

i draw the line at dirty bedding.....

you either have to say something (eek....really hard to do)

or leave.

TheQueenOfDiamonds · 14/08/2012 02:06

I'd get down to the shops, buy cleaning products (and some cheap towels and soap) and just get to work. I'd probably be brutally honest too - If a HV saw those conditions she could end up with social services getting involved.

There's no excuse for filth. Cleaning products are so cheap - I buy tescos own brands for back ups and for my horse - baby bath, baby shampoo and baby wash are 9p and 11p a bottle. That's 29p fgs. And they're not bad - I've used them on myself happily. Soap is a few pence.

Floor cleaner - wilkos own 30p a litre, pine disinfectant stuff. Toilet cleaner a quid.

AgentZigzag · 14/08/2012 02:23

But the sister's said she doesn't want the OP cleaning her house Queen.

Would you really carry on if someone was telling you not to, when you were their visitor?

It's probably not much to do with money either.

TheQueenOfDiamonds · 14/08/2012 02:38

If it were family I'd find some way of doing it.
Rather me tell them to truth and do something than social services.