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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is a BYOB wedding reception wrong?

124 replies

headisintheshed · 13/08/2012 23:31

Asking this question on behalf of my friend. She's on a budget for her wedding and hiring out the local church hall but there's no bar. She wants to pay for the welcome drinks and toast by getting in some prosseco and wine and will provide soft drinks but is she being unreasonable to ask people to byob instead of a wedding present if they would like to drink?

OP posts:

WilsonFrickett · 14/08/2012 08:59

'Bring a bottle to share' would be nicer I think. She should provide lots of soft drinks and mixers though, as well as some 'emergency' wine and beer and definitely think about how to cool things. We did this for a big party a few years ago and had loads of big plastic storage boxes which we filled with ice. No-one wants warm booze... However, that said, the convention at weddings where there is a pay bar is that the couple also provide wine for the meal. I think just a welcome drink and a toast drink is a bit tight, myself.

IfElephantsWoreTrousers · 14/08/2012 09:00

Agree that "bring a bottle to share" is better than "bring your own" - but I don't think she needs to specify that this should be instead of a wedding present or she will end up with lots of expensive half-empty bottles going to waste. Let people make their own decisions on this.

"The veue does not have a licence for a bar, so soft drinks will be provided. If you would like something a little stronger, please bring a bottle to share"

I've been to two weddings which were bring-and-share not only for booze but also for food - and they were among the best weddings I've ever been to because the room in each case was full of genuine friends not hangers-on-out-for-a-free-party.

They should get some of those big rubber buckets with handles (I think they are from ikea?) and fill them with ice near the venue door so that anything that should be served cold can go in when guests arrive and cool down to drinking temperature during the ceremony (and the buckets can be carried to the hall if that's in a neighbouring building)

fruitysummer · 14/08/2012 09:08

This has got me wondering, if you all got an invite like this, what would you actually take??

I'd be taking at least 2 boxes of Stella and at least 6 bottles of wine. I'd probably also chuck in a bottle of Baileys for later but would admittedly keep a tight hold on that for most of the night.

Does that make me and DH sound like we have a drink problem???

By the way, 'gorilla buckets' are on sale for £3 in Asda, we use them for drinks at our parties/bbq's/camping and ask local pubs for ice.

She will need to hire glasses also - Morrisons hire them out!

autumnmum · 14/08/2012 09:09

I wouldn't mind at all, and it is definately preferable to a pay bar when a G&T costs £7.50!

If you don't have a licence you can't charge for alcohol, but it is very easy to get a temporary licence and they cost £21.

www.direct.gov.uk/en/HomeAndCommunity/Gettinginvolvedinyourcommunity/DG_199132

The pre-school I am involved with often gets one when we have events at our local village hall. We buy all the drink from a supermarket that offers sale or return so if we have anything left we get a refund. Alternatively our local football club have a couple of licenced members who will come and run a bar for a party for a £100 donation to the club. So you could have a pay bar where you provide the drink very cheaply but cover your costs. You would have to check that the church is ok with this because I know some aren't.

sashh · 14/08/2012 09:40

One of my friends got married and was skint, they had the reception in their own house and asked people to bring a bottle, most brought at least 6.

sausageandpickle · 14/08/2012 09:40

We went to a wedding where the reception was at the bride and grooms house. They asked guests to bring the ingredients for their favourite cocktails and some music instead of presents. People took it in turns to be 'barman' and 'dj'. It was a lovely party, but really v. alcoholic, as the only soft drinks around were the mixers for the cocktails....

Hopeforever · 14/08/2012 09:43

The buckets with handles sound a great idea. You can get them at Waitrose and bigger ones at garden centres and horse feed shops. Farmers probably have access to the cheapest ones, think where they would buy feed buckets

TeWiDoesTheHulaInHawaii · 14/08/2012 09:45

They'll need to buy big buckets of ice to put the drink in, or it'll all be warm. I think the invites should say "As there is no bar at the venue, we will provide fizzy for toasts and soft drinks, outside of that we would really appreciate it if you could bring a bottle or two of your favourite tipple to share."

But apart from that I think BYOB is fine - great in fact.

Chattymummyhere · 14/08/2012 09:51

I don't know it could work but I remember we had a cash bar at our reception.. The bar staff had to go out 3 times as they ran out of certain drinks, was normal bar prices not inflated prices and everyone got to drink what they wanted. But then the bar was included in the hire cost.

TeWiDoesTheHulaInHawaii · 14/08/2012 09:55

We had a free bar and only ran out of white wine (and fruit shoots!).

Wine was easily the most popular drink despite spirits etc being on offer for free, but I guess that would depend on who you've invited.

Mumsyblouse · 14/08/2012 10:03

Sorry, going against the trend here, but I wouldn't invite people to a wedding and make them bring a bottle. Wine is very cheap in the supermarket, all the supermarkets are doing 3 for £10 offers, I would rather pay out £100 extra or more and get lots of bottles of wine (red/white) and not much else.

If I was really so skint I couldn't afford £100, I'd ask one of the parents to do that as a wedding present.

I get that it's all fun and relaxed, I don't even drink so wouldn't be affected, but I would feel odd about asking my closest friends and family to come to my wedding and essentially bring stuff to drink as I didn't want to pay out for it.

Sorry, obviously I'm alone in this!

Sparklingbrook · 14/08/2012 10:08

I know what you mean Mumsy. I would go to a wedding like this and take my bottle etc.

But I would never do it myself. But that's just me.

TeWiDoesTheHulaInHawaii · 14/08/2012 10:13

A church hall is usually only £40 or so to hire, so I think it's very likely that this is an every penny counts wedding.

Keepthechangeyoufilthyanimal · 14/08/2012 10:14

I think it's fine as long as you word it as mentioned above - bring a bottle to share rather than BYOB.

Also ensure there is a designated area for people to leave it when they arrive. (a table with ice buckets/fridge etc)
And remember plenty of bottle openers/corkscrews etc.

Another thing to think about is where will they get glasses? Will they have to be hired and then stored/laid out somewhere for people to use?

ScarletLadyOfTheNight01 · 14/08/2012 10:16

We did this at our wedding. We had the reception at my MIL's and we laid on a buffet type meal and said on the invite something like "Some drinks will be provided but please feel free to bring your own" or something. We provided some fizz and a few bottles of wine, and everyone else just brought champagne I think. I was pregnant so wasn't drinking anyway, but it worked out fine.

TheBolter · 14/08/2012 10:18

An excelllent idea. I would quite happily bring along a couple of really good bottles of wine/prosecco/Champagne, especially if instead of a gift. It saves money for everyone, what's not to like? I would hope the guests would bring a bottle each though, rather than one per couple, as the alcohol would quickly run dry before the evening otherwise!

ImperialBlether · 14/08/2012 10:19

How broke is your friend? How many people will be there? What kind of drinkers are they?

Normally people wouldn't expect to spend the whole event drinking for free, would they? There's usually a pay bar.

totty12mum · 14/08/2012 10:19

We did it that way (we did provide some booze) and it was great, no one minded. We also got everyone to bring some cheese for a massive cheese board for the evening it was awesome. (We specified no other presents.)

Bumblequeen · 14/08/2012 10:24

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

Vickles · 14/08/2012 10:25

No, I think it gives out the wrong idea... and there could be territorial problems.
And it sounds too much like a curry house!

I think Bring a bottle to share is better... I love 'Elephant's' suggestion... a nice compromise... and great wording for the invitation.

Have fun!
xx

TeWiDoesTheHulaInHawaii · 14/08/2012 10:27

I love the cheese board idea Totty

PeshwariNaan · 14/08/2012 10:29

No - if it's a very casual wedding and this is clear from the invites. I also wouldn't ask for gifts at this type of wedding because the guests are basically throwing the party.

EssexGurl · 14/08/2012 12:32

So long as she tells everyone clearly in advance, it will be fine.

Much better than DH's cousin's wedding. His new wife's family are very religious and don't drink. So cousin and his family arranged and paid for all the alcohol and supplied lots of soft drinks - elderberry cordial a favourite of mother of bride apparently. The reception was held in a marquee in a field, no bar facilties, no local shops etc, so they had to supply all drinks.

Half way through the wedding breakfast DH's aunt came to our table to ask us not to have any more wine. The bride's family were polishing it all off and there were limited supplies left to last all night. I spent all evening nursing a glass of said cordial, horrid stuff which I couldn't drink. I can never face a glass of it again.

Aunt then sent us a bottle of bubbly afterwards to say thank you for being so understanding. She had over catered on booze for the drinkers but evidently the brides family have double standards and only drink when others are paying.

kitsmummy · 14/08/2012 12:46

I know i'll be flamed here but I think it is incredibly tight in all honesty. I don't think they'd need to spend more than £300 which would supply loads of booze (how many guests are there?), more than enough for everyone I should imagine. Are they providing a meal for their guests?

Even if they went down the cash bar route with a friend running it selling very cheap drinks it would be preferable to asking everyone to bring a bottle (and would then recoup their costs).

I'd be totally ashamed to invite people to my wedding and ask them to bring their own drink.

usualsuspect · 14/08/2012 12:48

Sounds like a good plan to me.

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