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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Nearly everyone I know is having their second child. I'm happy with one.

80 replies

Zealey · 11/08/2012 21:43

I'll probably delete this post immediately, but I just wanted to write it out to get it off my chest first.
We have a gorgeous DD nearly two years old. But we have a very tight circle of friends, and even Facebook becomes a kind of crazy yard-stick as well of what it 'normal' and everyone else seems to be doing. So everyone we know is now having a second child, some are giving birth as I write, others are full term round Xmas, either way my wife is hinting and dropping what she thinks are subtle cues about wanting another. I'm not up for it. Love having one. Told her that from the start. For a mixture of financial and emotional reasons I don't want a second (mainly financial but mental reasons just as valid if I'm being honest).
Am I being unreasonable to refuse to have a second child even though the first one is working out fine, touch wood?

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 11/08/2012 21:45

YANBU

It's a very big decision and not to be taken lightly

CommunistMoon · 11/08/2012 21:46

YANBU and don't feel you have to delete this either. My DS is 4, I've always wanted one child and have no desire for another (even if we could afford it, which we can't). My DH is fine with this, happily.

GreenGoldSilverAndBronzeShadow · 11/08/2012 21:48

An only child is a very different child to one with siblings.
My personal view is, think of the child - most only children I know would have loved a sibling.

ReindeerBollocks · 11/08/2012 21:49

YANBU

Your family, your business IMO. You have to fund and raise any child you have and if you are happy to have one, then just have one. Ignore any comments about having one child and enjoy your DD.

I would love a third, when most of my friends are just having their first. That works for me, and you have to do what works for you. Be confident in your decision.

MrsPenrysJones · 11/08/2012 21:49

Dropping hints is not a good sign.
You need to talk about this properly. although, thinking about it, did you not have the "how many DCs do you want" conversation before you got married? Cos if you want one and she wants ten there could be a slight problem here.

Cathycomehome · 11/08/2012 21:49

I have two children, one is a month old and one will be twelve (years) in a fortnight. There are lots of reasons why we previously thought our older son would probably always be an only, and you can feel odd if all your friends have a different set up, but YANBU to think about it very carefully. If your partner really wants another, it's for the two of you to come to an agreement over and nothing to do with anyone else.

0lympia · 11/08/2012 21:50

Good for you. I think I had the second on auto pilot. I love them both equally but obviously my life went from being enjoyable to really really stressful and tiring after the second. two children are about FIVE times as much work as one child. Also, having the second child changed my relationship with the first child and not for the better. before the second child came along she was my absolute angel. then all the jealousies (hers) and stresses and exhaustion and frustrations (mine) affected our relationship. It's still not great tbh.

I would love to only have one child. Obviously that is different from saying I'm going to send one back or leave one on the church steps! but I can acknowledge that if I had one child childcare would be cheaper, I could afford to work, I could buy a two bed house , can't really put a boy and girl in the same room now at their ages. And they FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT. I wake up to the sound of them fighting and when I'm downstairs and they've gone to bed I can hear them still annoying each other.

OK, now I'm getting all worked up thinking about it!!! I need a glass of

Tee2072 · 11/08/2012 21:50

"My personal view is, think of the child - most only children I know would have loved a sibling"

And a lot of children I know with a sibling wish they were only children.

There are no absolutes. Do what's right for your family.

DamnBamboo · 11/08/2012 21:51

You need to sit down with her properly and discuss this.
Dropping hints does not suffice when you clearly know this is going to be a big issue for her.

Did you tell her you only wanted the one?

lovelyredwine · 11/08/2012 21:52

You're not that unusual. My DH and I feel the same way- our dd is nearly 20 months. I get asked several times a week when I'm going to get pregnant again, quickly followed by, 'you've GOT to have another', or, 'you CAN'T only have 1'...

We're happy with our one lovely girl. It must be difficult if you don't both feel like that though- the urge for babies is so overwhelming- I remember that when ttc our dd. I feel for you both and hope you can agree one way or another op.

MrsPenrysJones · 11/08/2012 21:54

I hate to admit it but our 2nd DC was almost a response to the "oh it's not fair to make them grow up as an only child" remark.
As for DC3.....I have no idea how that happened, must have had a senior moment there.

perplexedpirate · 11/08/2012 21:55

YADNBU.
I was only thinking this the other day. Everyone seems to have two (i know this isn't true, but it just seems like that sometimes).
I don't want another, and fortunately my DH agrees. If he didn't, or dropped hints or whatever I think I would be quite resentful. It could even be a deal breaker for me actually.
I am just very lucky we agree!

0lympia · 11/08/2012 21:56

wrt facebook, it makes everybody feel crappy for one reason or another. I have been gagging on posts about wedding anniversaries lately.

JollyHockeyStick · 11/08/2012 21:56

You really need to talk to your wife about this so that she is clear you haven't changed your mind.

Original poster

Zealey · 11/08/2012 21:57

@Olympia thank you for such an honest and open answer. You've hit the nail on the head of what I'm kinda fearing. I think I'll stand my ground on this issue. Bless. Zx

OP posts:

dixiechick1975 · 11/08/2012 22:00

It may seem as everyone is having a second but many have one now for a variety of reasons.

A 1/3 of DD's class (including my DD) are only children.

Only yourself and your wife can decide what is right for you. If you are having another do think about childcare costs - two in childcare can be very expensive.

MsVestibule · 11/08/2012 22:00

When did you say "I told her that from the start", what start was that? Before you got married, after you had your DD? Deciding how big a family you want is a very personal decision, but don't underestimate your wife's need for another child.

I'm not saying you're wrong at all, but this isn't an easy one - neither of you ABU.

thenightsky · 11/08/2012 22:01

I found the second only 50% as stressful as the first. But I did leave a gap of 5 years, so DD started school when DS was 10 days old.

flexybex · 11/08/2012 22:03

I'm and only child and didn't feel it necessary to have more than one myself (so I can't have wanted siblings that much!)
Sometimes it feels that everyone is targeting only children (don't share, spoilt, etc) - then you just have to listen a bit harder:
middle children - pushed out by oldest and youngest children
oldest children - jealous because another child came along
youngest children - spoilt by older children
multi children - can't share because they have to protect their belongings.

And so it goes on. It's all urban myth!

Don't worry about what people think. My only has grown into a very sociable and kind boy :)

GingerWrath · 11/08/2012 22:05

YADNBU, my DD is 6, a bad birth experience put me off but now the memory is receding I feel my age (40) and the age gap with her would be sibling would be too much. she is enought for me, well adjusted and well socialised, doing well in school..nah, not doing it again!

lovelyredwine · 11/08/2012 22:05

Also- as an only child myself I can honestly say that I never missed having siblings. I was really happy. I look back at my childhood and have fantastic memories. My DH is one of 4. He loves his siblings and also has great memories, but only wants one as he recognises how busy and broke his mum was all of the time!

Original poster

Zealey · 11/08/2012 22:09

@MsVestibule - your answer makes me kinda nervous. Are you saying that if you fall in love with someone and discuss your hopes and dreams for a future life together and come to a blessed agreement, it is suddenly acceptable for her to renage just because 'she has a need'? Hope I haven't misunderstood you, x

OP posts:

rattlingovaries · 11/08/2012 22:10

I'm in the opposite situation. Would love another but dh really doesn't. My motivation for wanting another is partly because it would be "good" for dc1 to have a sibling, for better or ill, and partly because everyone else in the world seems to be pregnant and it makes me so bloody jealous. Not sure which of these is the stronger driver tbh. Anyway, it looks like I wont get to try but it is, as lovelyred suggested, a very hard idea to let go of.

mumofthemonsters808 · 11/08/2012 22:11

I always stated that I was happy with one child but then something strange come over me and I decided I wanted another(7 years later !!!).So it is possible you may change your mind.Having a second child has been one of the few right decisions I have made.

Iggly · 11/08/2012 22:11

Have a proper chat with your other half and don't let Facebook dictate your family size.

I have two and it's hard! Youngest is 8 months with a 26 month gap. However I knew it was the right thing to do - both of us (DH and I) couldn't imagine just having one as we both have loads of siblings.

I want a third but DH doesn't and no way would we have a third unless he agreed. Explore your reasons with your wife and clear the air.

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