Nearly everyone I know is having their second child. I'm happy with one.

[Zealey]

I'll probably delete this post immediately, but I just wanted to write it out to get it off my chest first.
We have a gorgeous DD nearly two years old. But we have a very tight circle of friends, and even Facebook becomes a kind of crazy yard-stick as well of what it 'normal' and everyone else seems to be doing. So everyone we know is now having a second child, some are giving birth as I write, others are full term round Xmas, either way my wife is hinting and dropping what she thinks are subtle cues about wanting another. I'm not up for it. Love having one. Told her that from the start. For a mixture of financial and emotional reasons I don't want a second (mainly financial but mental reasons just as valid if I'm being honest).
Am I being unreasonable to refuse to have a second child even though the first one is working out fine, touch wood?

YANBU, I don't want another one either, I'm very happy with my healthy, beautiful boy. That doesn't stop everyone commenting that of course we will have another one, or my friend constantly asking if I'll be her 'baby buddy' and have another at the same time as her, or my DM going on about how it's cruel to have just one (she seems oblivious to the things my older brother did to me). Luckily my DH is happy to go with the flow so wouldn't push for another one unless I was 100% behind the decision. I think the decision on whether to have another child has to be made by both parents, and if it's 50/50 then I wouldn't. It isn't fair to bring a child into a marriage when one parent doesn't want it, the strain of a new baby is hard enough at the best of times!

I'm an only who has an only and tbh my biggest regret is not giving her a sibling. She continuously says she wants a sibling and she is such a sociable child, who hates being alone. It doesn't help that she is the only, only child in her year of 36 children.

I never bothered about being an only when I was a child, although as an adult I've sometimes thought it would be nice to have a sibling.

Mine is quite contrite aboute it, 'I don't want a brother or sister because they'll be really boring and wee and poo all the time then they will get bigger and wreck our house and all my toys'

Why do I get the feeling that having another child is the way to go because it's seen as "the norm"?

I can't imagine people would have another because it's "the norm" as if we're talking about the latest fashion.

Probably because most of us do have siblings so it seems natural to want more as that's how we've experienced life etc. how else would you make the decision?

Zealey, it's a difficult situation and I feel for both of you. The problem is that although you can agree a plan between you pre-children, your feelings about it all can change so much when the reality does (or doesn't) arrive. When DH and I got married, he definitely wanted children, I was on the fence, but we agreed to try. Now we have twins and I have discovered to my enormous surprise that I love, love, love having babies, whereas my husband has found it quite tough, much as he loves our boys. So we've now got a reversed situation where I'm desperate for more children, and he definitely doesn't want any more. It's tough, because obviously this isn't something we can compromise on.

I hope you and your DW manage to work this out, somehow.

What I'm trying to say is please don't see this as her reneging on an agreement. Having a child has probably just changed how she feels about it.

No, honestly, I'm not saying that at all. If you both decided before you got married that you would have one child, it does give you more a leg to stand on in deciding whether to have another. I'm just not sure how helpful that leg will be! It's OK to agree something in theory, but a few years down the line, if she doesn't feel the same way, no amount of "but you said" is going to work. She's not reneging on a business agreement. She's a human being who appears to have changed her mind about wanting another baby.

I think you have to find out if the not-so-subtle hints your wife are dropping are of the:
"I would quite like another baby - I'll just sound him out to see if he's changed his mind" variety, or of the
"I absolutely have to have another child - I'll just sound him out to see if he's changed his mind".

Trouble is, it's not exactly something you can compromise on. Perhaps it's time for a chat with her?

My baby is only 9 months old but I'm driving myself crazy with this 'you can't choose to have an only' thing.

We struggled to conceive, had a very stressful pregnancy with lots of scary tests and it all ended in a traumatic labour, followed by pnd - we both feel we don't want to go through that again now we have ds...but I just keep thinking I'm being selfish and he'll miss out somehow without siblings (both dh and I are one of three).

This thread has helped crystallise for me that if I'm only thinking about a second because 'it's the done thing' then it's what I absolutely shouldn't do!

Sorry for the thread hijack and waffle Zealey! I hope you and you wife can sort this out, you definitely need to talk about it rather than just drop hints. And thank you for starting this thread, it's really helped me, hope it does the same for you

I agree with everyone else that you need to talk to her about this. The difference between 'another baby would be nice' and 'I am desperate for another baby' is immense. It can lead to massive resentment within a relationship, and is currently putting my own relationship in danger as I so desperately want another and he doesn't.

Are you my husband op? Lol.

My sons only 8 weeks old and I'd like another one in a couple of years but my husband says no.

I know a couple of only children and whilst they say they loved it when they were younger they haven't liked it so much when they've gotten older as they gave to deal with things on their own.

Overreaction, stick to your plan. Really, there is so much outside pressure to produce siblings when you really don't feel it's right for you. We see others doing it so we think we should do it too. so wrong!

Some good advice on this thread.

However seeing as the practical aspect of preventing a second child coming into being hadn't been mentioned, I would say that if one party definitely doesn't want more children then they should take primary responsibility for contraception - in your case a vasectomy.

It would be too cruel for the party that is unsure and may dream of another baby to be the one responsible for preventing that pregnancy happening.

However I'm sure you're already taking care of that!

Your child is only 2 years old my DP and me to an extent felt the same as you when our DS was 2 but we changed our minds and there is an almost 4 year gap between them.

my dd is 3, she is an only. All my friends with young children have had another, are pregnant ot ttc. I am most def not!! I have no desire for another child (which is excellent as I am single) but often get told that I really should have another as dd will grow up a spoilt brat, or that she will be lonely etc etc. I may change my mind but at the moment its a no more babies from me!

Good for you. If only more people were content with one. Hsving one child is totally fine (it's incredibly weird how some people are actually against it! ).

I think I'll stand my ground on this issue. It might not just be a case of you saying "We aren't having a second and that's that." and then carrying on happily with your lives though. What will you do if your wife starts to be really unhappy about this?

Ixia. Your dd will grow out of that. Everyone says that want what they don't have, grass is always greener and all that. She won't care about not having siblings when shes older! If she's sociable then she will make lots of friends, most kids don't wanna hang out with their little sibling. A lot of people hate their siblings too!

I'm so glad I have 2. Both DDs, just 20 months apart. They entertain each other, love each other (most of the time), and provide great learning opportunities and support for each other, in a way that only a sibling can.
Several poster talk about many siblings hating their siblings, but for most siblings that is NOT true.
I'm one of 6, so an only wouldn't have been my choice.

BUT, EACH TO THEIR OWN.

Like so many other poster have said, MAKE SURE your DP is on same page as you on this. Not by hints, but proper sit down conversation.

And take primary responsibility for contraception!

YANBU - it is your family, your choice after all - but I think you need to speak openly with your wife.

I'm in the opposite situation where people have been less than enthusiastic (and some just plain rude) about me having a third DC 'because I already have one of each'

I think you need to speak candidly with your wife.
After all she may well love another child, and if you do not, well then she has her life, and you have yours - she needs to find a new mate who would love to have a child with her.

Sorry to be blunt, but you do need to let her go if she really wants another child, and you really do not.

My dh was adamant he didn't want a second at all. Then he'd sometimes would have had a drink at a party and say "oh maybe one day...."

Which caused me a lot of pain and heartache. If you are adamant then you have to be resolute.

I had made my peace when Ds was 5 and settled in school and I was enjoying work. Then dh started talking about getting a bigger house in a few years and maybe having another child. I said no, I'd had enough of him treating it as a pipe dream and I was going to start focusing on my job and my life.

Then matters were taken out both our hands when I fell pg with dd when Ds was 7.
He was a bit of a self absorbed dick during the pg despite wanting to go ahead. All "I didn't ask for this", "I love Ds do much, it's going to really affect him".

I ignored him, got through a difficult pg and hospitalisation had a brilliant birth.

He wouldn't be with out her now. Loves having two dc and has said to others he doesn't know why we waited

I am not going to lie, it affected our marriage. When you love someone, and have to make joint decisions like this, one person will not be happy. If you a prepared to make this decision now and stick with it and live with her unhappiness, fine. Do so and live with the consequences whether good or bad. If its simply a case of you are not sure now, and not ready, simply tell your wife that though.

It is not your decision alone, nor hers.

YANBU but if you are sure then make this clear to your wife.

I am expecting my first and do not know when or even if I ever want another one. I hate the assumption people make that three years from now I'll be pregnant again. Why is it impossible to some people that you might actually be happy with just one?

I'm an only child. When I was young it didn't bother me, but then mum was a childminder so it wasn't really noticeable. As a teenager it also didn't really bother me because all my friends argued with their siblings and I was glad I didn't have it.

However, as an adult I feel completely different to the extent I will either have no children or at least 2 (obviously I am aware it might not work out like this but I would never plan to have just one).

I feel that I have missed out developing a close bond with someone and having never had a relationship that is based on 'equals' rather than 'authority' meant I found it extremely difficult to build romantic relationships and share my living space.

I am very aware that as my parents (divorced) get older, their care will fall solely to me. I want to do this as I love my parents very much but I can't help wondering how I'll cope on my own, especially as they live at opposite ends of the country.

My bf now has no siblings (although did not grow up as an only child). It deeply saddens me that when we have children, they will have no aunties and uncles and no cousins. Our family unit will be just us.

I also feel sad when I see my friends who hated their siblings as children and now are so close. I see photos of them at their weddings and just after the birth of their children and the photos clearly show the close bond they have. I feel sad that I will never have a sibling to share those moments with.

I do realise though that this is only my experience.

We had more than one child for them, as well as for us.

We wanted them to have siblings to grow up with, extended family when they are older with nieces/nephews etc. It wasn't only about what we wanted....

But, being an only isn't a bad option - it's just a different life for them. Not a bad life, not a great life - just a different experience than if they had siblings.

If your partner is dropping hints, maybe you need to open those lines of communication - don't let resentment breed.