Nearly everyone I know is having their second child. I'm happy with one.

[Zealey]

I'll probably delete this post immediately, but I just wanted to write it out to get it off my chest first.
We have a gorgeous DD nearly two years old. But we have a very tight circle of friends, and even Facebook becomes a kind of crazy yard-stick as well of what it 'normal' and everyone else seems to be doing. So everyone we know is now having a second child, some are giving birth as I write, others are full term round Xmas, either way my wife is hinting and dropping what she thinks are subtle cues about wanting another. I'm not up for it. Love having one. Told her that from the start. For a mixture of financial and emotional reasons I don't want a second (mainly financial but mental reasons just as valid if I'm being honest).
Am I being unreasonable to refuse to have a second child even though the first one is working out fine, touch wood?

I've got an only, dh said from the beginning he only wanted one and although I would have liked another I accepted his decision and feel blessed to have dd, I have a very close relationship with her which I don't think I would have if I had a second plus we've been able to give her things and do things with her that we wouldn't have been able to do iif we had another.

Plus Having a second child does not guarentee they will be close or grow up to be close, I see my sister once a year if that and she lives quite close to me, we're just very different people and when we were young we argued and physically fought every day, I used to wish I was an only.

This is between you and your wife. Not Facebook, not peer pressure, not "would it be good for dd". You two are the bedrock for your family and nobody else's opinion matters.

Maybe you could broach the subject, have a frank chat about your current feelings, then park the idea for a year or so and see how you both feel then ? Your dd will still be young. Theres no rush. Theres no right answer; all the stereotypes about family dynamics (onlies are spoilt, kids in big families are neglected etc) are just that, stereotypes. I know some delightful children and some little horrors. There's no pattern as to what size of family they're from ! It's such a big decision that if you can, you need to come to some agreement between you, even if at the moment that seems an irreconcilable prospect.

YANBU but neither is she.

I never planned to have any children. I had a surprise baby. I semi-planned another, who came within two years of the first.

For me, having two was easier than having one. I suffered from pnd after no1, and my pregnancy 'cured' that. But not only that, when they were a little older they entertained each other do I could get on with housework - and even now, as teenagers they have some shared interests and spend quite a bit of time together.

There have been some challenging times, while they learned about sharing, fairness, that kind of thing - but I think they are both better people for sharing that experience with each other.

everyone's experience will be different, though, and nobody here will be able to tell you what is right or wrong for you and your wife.

Annie, you've just posted pretty much what I was going to say.

DH was clear "from the start" that he only wanted one and we had DS. I knew DH's feelings and had decided that I wanted to have one child with DH rather than 2+ with someone else. Then after a couple of years I really really wanted another child - a physical, womb aching need. This was made worse by the fact that although we had been the first of our friends to have a child, many of them were now "overtaking" us and having their second or maybe third.

We decided to see what happened if we stopped using contraception, and two miscarriages later we both realised that we did want another child. We also saw that DS was suffering from not having siblings (though there were lots of benefits too!). Cut a long story short, we adopted DD last year and it was absolutely right for us, and we feel complete as a family.

You've got plenty of time to re- visit your feelings on this, so unless you really really are clear that one is the only option for you, I'd suggest that it's not a closed subject but another right now isn't what you want. You need to have the conversation properly, not rely on hints. You deserve to know how the other is feeling on this.

Yanbu. My DD is 6 months old and we are categorically, absolutely sticking with her. Shes adorable but quite enough for us!

I think you can discuss having children before you marry, but I don't think you can decide how many.

Having a child is such a life changing experience I don't think you can say in advance how either member of a couple will feel.

I knew I wanted two and actually didn't change my mind, DH, I suspect, would have stopped at one, but agreed to two.

Both of us agreed that much as our sisters annoyed us our lives were richer for them. It's special to have someone else to share the ups and downs of life with, to moan about parents, relatives and BFs, to tell secrets to because your sister will keep them. Someone to share holiday and Christmas memories. Someone to have built those memories with. Now sadly someone who remembers those who are no longer with us.

We both known only several only DCs they always seem a bit spoilt. My BF at school was an only, she was probably the least spoilt, but she is fiercely independent, which can have its ups and downs.

Practically, we live in the middle of nowhere, have enough bedrooms and a big garden. One child would rattle around here and be very lonely.

YANBU. I know adults who were only children and those with siblings and their experiences were and are all different. I, for example, had a wonderful childhood as an only child, never wanted siblings and do not miss them as an adult either (even after my father died and my mother needing more care - I have my DH and friends for support). My DH is one of three siblings and is not particular close to any of them. My DD is an only by choice and she not only is a sociable little thing but can happily play for hours on her own. She doesn't need us to entertain her. So life is very easy for us with one.

DJ and I originally agreed on two but a few years after dc2 dh became very broody. So I finally agreed to a third. And after that a fourth. We both love our big family.

I only have one DD and that's the way it will stay.

My family (my side) agree with my decision and would be furious if I changed my mind (which I wont). They understand my reasons completely.

DH on the other hand took a while to come to terms with my decision but has now accepted it (or buried his feelings). He now sticks up for me when his DM or DSIL bring it up (which is often )

My reasons include: bad pregnancy, bad birth, PND, disabilities (not baby related), finances, career, not being naturally maternal.

Also DD is very sociable. She has LOADS of friends, she also plays with her cousin lots (who is currently an only aged 9 who hasn't suffered either from having no siblings, although DBIL & DSIL are TTC)

My DSis is abroad so all that stuff about being the only one to care for your parents can apply when you have siblings too. I'd bet on my life my DSis won't be travelling over here to help me in any way if DM & DF needed care. Selfish c*w that she is.

As you can see, I don't get on with my DSis, nor do my parents get on with their DBs or DSis. DH is close with his DB but there was a time when we first started dating when DBIL was a complete and utter a***e and had DH in tears.

Don't be bullied into doing something you don't want to do.

just read that back and it sounds like I hate being a mother. That's not true, but its certainly easier as DD gets older. I'm not a baby person. It was a real tough learning experience. I hated the sleepless nights (which lasted years), the colic, the fact DH never got any parental leave...

But I do love DD and I think having just one means she gets all our attention and both of us have such a strong close relationship with her. I believe even DH feels it and that has helped him accept having just one

We just have one and its great. I wanted more but it was complicated wrt health so we decided no in the end. We are v social though and always have a house full! Ds is 18 now and its great. Although a friend said to me you could only have one so you were sent one who is the work of 3! The truth in my case!

Well I sobered up this morning and decided not to delete the thread after all due to some really good and balanced advice. Thanks to all contributors. The upshot is yes definitely I will sit down and have THAT conversation with her that we are both dreading but need.

Good luck Zealey, I'm impressed that you're ready to express your true feelings to your DW and I hope the conversation isn't too painful for you both, but also that you both get the opportunity to be completely honest with each other.

Don't forget that it may not just be one conversation, then 'subject-closed' for the rest of your lives though... People and feelings evolve and it will help you both to communicate your feelings about this, every now and then, over the years to come.

Glad you found good and balanced advice here too

There are lots of good reasons, I think, for having another child (she says, while 12/40 with DC3), but the important thing is what you and your DW think. You need to have a proper chat and sort this out between yourselves.

YANBU, I am an only child and LOVED it!! , really different and super cool!. Furthermore I only want one child!!, it's my dream!!. Everything is so expensive these days, Gosh, buy one thing and it's your whole monthly income blown!, once you have bought your DD something you won't have a little voice in the background "can I have one too"? ha ha plus time, people are so busy these days and you can devote more to one. Having said all that, at the end of the day, it's entirely your decision but one is the perfect number for me!. We're not all selifh and spoilt....PROMISE!! .

selfish

Love having one child. No fights, no sibling rivalry and jealousy. Now DD is at school I really appreciate all the time I have with her. Plus things like homework so much easier as I can concentrate on working with her, and I feel that she has benefited from this. She is outgoing, cheerful, loving and vibrant, good at sharing and we try our best to ensure she is not a spoilt madam. I'm 42, DD is 6, and I really wouldn't want to go back to the beginning again. DD great at sleeping and no loo issues, but was and still is lousy eater. If I had another DC who turned out to be another lousy eater, or bad sleeper, I don't think I could mentally cope. So,OP, YANBU.

You do need to talk with your wife. To the untrained ear, I sound like I am brooding for another, however I know 8mo dd will be an only (it is very much what dh and I want), however I do feel sadness at the thought of never being pregnant again.

To those around me, it seems like broodiness, however in actual fact, I do NOT want a newborn baby or need a sibling for dd. I just know I will miss being pregnant

talk.to yiur dw

Good luck with the conversation.

But what you need to be prepared for is the possibility that her need for another child isn't stronger than her need for this marriage.

In an ideal world you should be more important to her, but that isn't always the case and the longing for another baby could have a toxic effect on your marriage.

Also, if she really, really wants another one I doubt the financial argument will carry much weight, as somehow money always seems to stretch for children (not far enough, but you can feed and clothe them). You'll have to be really clear about your emotional reservations.

Nannyogg, with respect, the op doesn't have to present an argument. The default is not having a baby. The person who wants a baby has to make the case.

I hope I don't cause offence but I'm going to be really honest here. I had DS because I was getting on a bit, didn't want to miss out, and everybody told me how fab it would be.

He's here now and he is the light of our lives, but I realise now that my reasons for having him were a bit rubbish. I haven't found it fab, unfortunately. I'm getting there but it has been the hardest time of my life by a million miles.

All my ante natal lot are on their second now, and I'm thrilled for them as its what they want. But I already drifted in to one major life decision, and I'm not doing that again. DS is loved, adored and wanted. But one is enough for us.

Also, and again with greatest respect, it is simply scientifically impossible that two children are easier than one. Of course, they entertain each other (although my mum spent our childhood mostly refereeing and pulling us apart) and that brings its own joy. But much of the work will be doubled. Shopping, cooking, laundry, cleaning, entertaining, organising, etc etc.

Your already hectic workload will double, as will many of your costs. That is mathematical fact.

Also, it is pointless to ask parents of more than one if its a good idea. Their kids are here, loved and adored like all kids are. So they aren't going to be objective. I love and adore my DS but that's not the same as thinking that having him was the right thing to do.

YANBU and neither is she, as the others have said.
It has to be a personal decision.

I was never the most maternal person in the world, and when my DH and I married, I was of the mindset that I'd probably never want kids. He just wanted to be with me, so he was fine with that.

After 5 yrs of marriage, and being 5 yrs older, we both wanted to have a baby, and sadly had 3mc before conceiving our DS, who is now almost 5. I had a great relationship with my DB growing up and so I didn't envisage my DS being an only child, my DH hated his DB, but he was adamant that a lot of the reasons for that were down to his parents, and so he wanted the chance for DS to have a sibling too. I had a horrific birth with DS. So much so, that we both said we wouldn't have my more as my DH was also so upset with what I had been through. We only felt ready to try for a second baby about 2 yrs ago, and now we are struggling ttc, and are both desperate for another baby to come along and waiting for a fertility referral.

I think what I am trying to say is that things change, people change, and people's wants and needs change. You have to find a way of working through it and getting to a point where you are both coming from the same place and wanting the same things.

YANBU. I only want one child (in fact this will be a compromise as originally I didn't see the point of having any at all!). I believe the research tends to show that only children are happiest, and so are their parents!

I had siblings and wished I didn't, fwiw.

As an only child I always looked on at funfairs, school events etc where my friends attended with their siblings, and it always seemed like they were having more fun, while I had to play with my parents. (In reality many siblings were probably fighting anyway!)

As an adult I'm glad I have my mum all to myself (selfish) and I have a strong enough support network that I don't particularly feel hard done by, not having siblings.

The problem with planning for particular scenarios is that it can get difficult to know where to stop. So you want a sibling for your child, then you want a particular age gap, then you want all boys, all girls, mix, older boy etc. And you have reasons for all of those choices. And then it doesn't work out the way you think it will anyway.

Do what you want for the reasons that you want but agree with the other posters make sure you have made your decision making explicit! It's hard having two or more but it's also fun. Experience depends on so many factors that you can't always predict.

Told her that from the start. is the sentence that raises my hackles. If she has changed her mind then you need to talk about it. That kind of comment isn't helpful. You are allowed to change your mind.