To think someones personal tragedy shouldn't totally negate their sensitivity to others?

[waterwatereverywhere]

This is my first post so be gentle with me. I'll try to summarise.

A very close friend lost a baby at term 2 years ago. Awful, devastating and the worst thing that can happen to anyone. Everyone rallied around, were tremendously supportive and did the very best they could in terrible circumstances. Very bravely she has publicly raised awareness, fund raised and documented her personal journey. Shortly after her loss she and her DP had a luxury holiday - everyone was pleased that although it offered her no relief from her loss she had a chance to recuperate a little. 2 months later there followed several city breaks, designer shopping trips, concerts and theatre trips. Again, everyone was pleased she had a tiny release amid the pain all be they just distractions. Over the 2 years that followed, via a blog and social networking she has charted her fund raising, her efforts to TTC and her feelings. It has been both heartbreaking and heartwarming.

Then gradually over several months the posts about her journey have diminished leaving only posts about a frankly lavish lifestyle. During this time close friends have suffered personal losses, divorce, illness, family deaths and financial difficulties following redundancy. These have not been acknowledged by her, but the posts about meals in wait list restaurants and holidays have increased 10 fold.

AIBU to wonder if it is OK for her to be unable to show sensitivity to others due to the nature of her personal grief? Much as I care about her and am pleased she is finding some small happiness is it natural that she can't empathise with others their less significant losses? If she had not been through what she has I would think she was being completely insensitive and dare I say, flaunting material things to friends who are financial on their knees (not me, before anyone says I am jealous)

Or do i just sound like an insensitive bitch?

I haven't been through what your friend has been, but have had a lot of trauma. Because of this - and not despite it - I boast of the "good" things, I am sometimes foolish with money (I have Borderline personality Disorder, a self destructive condition), and basically do everything I possibly can to cover my pain with material items or conversations.

Whilst I am aware I do it in reflective moods like today, at times I completely deny it, mostly I am entirely oblivious to my behaviors.

Sometimes the pain you feel inside is so dramatic, you try desperately to alter it in any way you can.

So I don't think you are unreasonable to feel the way you do, but do think you need to alter your perception of how she is acting.

water sorry, not quite clear from your OP...are you saying your friend doesn't acknowledge any of her friends issues in person or just that she doesn't acknowledge them online in her posts?

You do, a bit.

It'd be lovely if she were warm and huggy and caring to other people, but you're coming across as if there's something wrong with her blogging about her 'frankly lavish' lifestyle ... but what's wrong with that? I wouldn't choose to read a blog about someone's bosh lifestyle but it doesn't do any harm, and the fact she lost a child does not mean she now has to be a saint forever and never enjoy herself again.

I don't really see how her blog shows she's being insensitive? Are you one of the friends? If so, and she's not said anything sympathetic in your trouble, that's sad, of course. But, well, you don't surely support someone when they're having a bad time just as insurance against getting the same support when you're upset.

Maybe she is still struggling too much to be very good at gushy sympathy?

She's not doing anything insensitive, you're just objecting because she's not doing something deliberately nice and caring ... I think that's a little harsh.

Oh and just to add, I've had some horrible losses in life - not as bad as your friend but not nice.

I find it very hard to open up to my friends about it - it's fine online here or in an official capacity (such as a blog). So sometimes I keep people at a distance by focusing on the cool or positive stuff in my life. It doesn't make me any less sad in life but I don't want to be known as "the one that has the shit life".

I don't think you are a bitch. I've not lost a baby at term, but a friend has. Interestingly, she has also gone on a lot of very expensive holidays and whatnot. She said that she had all the money saved for maternity leave, so why not. Fair enough I think. Her choice.

Maybe your friend has got a bit wrapped up in her own stuff. Maybe people haven't felt comfy talking about their own problems with her after her loss. "I can't moan about my stuff, she lost a baby." That sort of thing. So maybe she's out of the habit of asking.

I'd gently pull her back to earth. Give her a call and say something like, "Jane's having a really bad time of it at the moment. Shall we take her out for dinner?" It might take a while but persevere if she's a friend you want to keep.

I think tellybug talks sense.

I really don't know. It's hard to tell from your post whether it is just on her blog or if she has not offered any sympathy or support to friends in time of need.
I have a friend who is a little like the person you are wondering if your friend is.
She has 5 children 2 of which have had health problems and she can often be heard saying how a mum of 1 cannot be tired or stressed out. Cannot understand what it's like etc etc. it does irritate me at times because I don't see having children as the competition she does. We all have our own perspective on our problems.

What does she say if someone else is struggling? Does she show empathy? Does she immediately talk about her own loss, not letting the other talk about theirs?

I don't understand the relevance of her lavish lifestyle.

If someone posts 'I lost my job' then she posts in reply 'I'm in New York spending $$$$'s' then that's insensitive. But if she's just posting shallow stuff meaningless about her life I don't see how that's at all relevant to her loss.

Surely you should be pleased she's posting less about her grief and attempts tc?

I'm not sure what people post reflects what's going on inside them anyway.

But plenty of people blog about restaurants and write reviews etc. how come this is acceptable but because your friend's blog stemmed from a tragedy, it is not ok to blog about more positive things?

Also, might it not be inappropriate for her to acknowledge other people's difficult circumstances in her blog?

Is she caring and supportive in person? Do you mean that she doesn't blog about other people's lives? Or do you mean that when she meets up with someone, she doesn't give a crap about them and just wants to talk about her great holidays?

What people show on the outside is often very different to what they feel on the inside. I lost my 1st baby and how it makes you feel is indescribable to others who haven't been through it. I would go out and look like I was enjoying myself only to go home and cry inconsolably after, tbh the lavish lifestyle is probably the only thing getting her through, giving her something to look forward to. Grief doesn't always make you a nice person, it can make you very selfish but you do what you have to to get through it. I would like to think that I have come out of the other side now (nearly 2 years on) but you can't put a timescale on grief. Please support her, she is likely to be hurting so much she can't even contemplate other people's problems.

Yes, lou. I wouldn't thank anyone for talking about my life on their blog.

I think perhaps she is seeking distractions, so will be filling her life with all sorts of things to try and get some peace from the awfulness of both losing her baby and being unable to conceive again, when she is desperate to have a child.

I think that being in the middle of all that can make people a bit oblivious/insensitive to what is going on around them. I do think you are right though, to think that at some point she should acknowledge that other people's losses are as devastating to them. She will have received kindness and support form people who were going through their own sad times, so it would be nice, if, despite her grief, she recognised that others are grieving too.

Not sure if this will happen. What is likely is that other people will retreat from her a bit.

Sorry no I wasn't clear. No, she has not acknowledged other peoples difficulties privately (absolutely would NOT expect her to do so in her blog!)

And I don't mean her lavish activities are wrong because she has dropped the charity type posts, but that on fb in particular, and in person she is borderline boastful of her lifestyle, while close friends are going through problems. In as far as a response to someone's partner being made redundant would be a comment like 'I'll bring back some wine from so-and-so far flung destination"

Sirboobalot - I suspect she is 'compensating' and I really do try to see it from her perspective - but its hard when people where they have been nothing but supportive for 2 years are getting a kind of shun - a simple 'sorry you're having a hard time' or whatever. Although I see what you're saying that in deep grief that is a hard thing to feel. Hmm.

she is not blogging about her personal lifestyle though, if it's being done on FB

Loads of good advice here.

I will say I dealt with someone's grief really badly a few years ago. My best friend of 20 years lost her dad unexpectedly. Months later she became spiteful and nasty. Maybe I should have ignored it. What I said was something like, "I know you're having a really tough time and I love you, but why are you being so mean? Losing your dad isn't an excuse."

She has never forgiven me and interpreted it as "You told me just to 'get over' my dad dying!!"

A minefield, OP.

Tellybug - thank you, that is very sensible and i think you're probably right. We have probably all been on eggshells around her, brushing off problems with a "no no we're fine how are YOU"

Saintlyjimjams - this is the kind of thing that has been happening although perhaps not as obviously as your example!

It's hard to see people being made redundant as 'having a hard time' when you lost your baby. I know that might sound harsh but that's how you feel when you are grieving.

Two years isn't that long a period in which to get over the loss of a child. I too lost our first DS at birth, and I probably was wrapped up in my own problems for that long (I also had two miscarriages in those two years after the stillbirth).

Looking back, it was all a bit of a blur, to be honest, and if your friend is also trying to conceive at the moment, (and not having much luck?) she might be compensating, or over-compensating, or just trying not to think about it all the time in case it gets her down, hence the 'life is wonderful' posts.

I only really recovered after the birth of DS2, about 2-1/2 years after the loss of DS1.

tarty I only improved after the birth of my 2nd son too. Looking back I am not proud of the way I behaved all the time but I was hurting so much

Yes, I do understand that Rhubarb - honestly I do. And no one would be expecting her or anyone else to compare the two things. But just because they are on a different scale does it make it OK to dismiss the person with the minor problem? I suppose what I'm saying is we are ALL understanding, we do realise it is the worst loss to suffer. But at what point do you step in and say something? 3 years, 5 years, 10? Or do you accept that it changes someone forever? I don't want her to lose friends. Or are we not friends if we don't accept this is who she is until she is ready to move on?

Tartyflette, Rhubarb - so sorry for both of your losses. That makes it a lot easier to understand. As you have said it is very difficult for people that haven't experienced loss of a child to empathise fully. I realise it is a very long grieving process, but with outward appearances being so 'together' and 'happy' it has been hard for friends to really understand.

Thank you for your insights.

I think you're probably being a bit naive as to why she is feeling the need to post about her lavish lifestyle - which will almost certainly be down to hiding her grief about what happened. I think losing a baby at birth must be devastating, and something you have to live with everyday. I think anyway that people who feel the need the need to boast about their life are quite unhappy underneath.
I'm sure it's still hard for you to deal with though, especially if other friends are going through difficult times. IME friendships change throughout your life, you may well feel closer to her one day, and in the mean time just keep reminding her you are there for her, and focus on other friendships at the moment if she continues to block you out a bit.

Rhubarb78 you have hit the nail on the head.

It's all consuming and changes you forever. Nothing will ever compare. And even if you do realise most of the time you don't care.