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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have this opinion of SIL.

274 replies

Justme23 · 10/08/2012 11:41

Probably a terrible whiny thread actually but I need a vent.

The back story is that since I have known SIL2 she has wanted to get pregnant.

Her ex left her because she stopped her contraception without telling him (which in my opinion is abhorrent). He was always very vocal that he wasn't ready for a baby and neither was she, because of their age and situation. (SIL being 19 and VERY immature and him being 21 and studying furiously for a law degree, both living at respective maternal homes). He was broken up when he found out she was lying and took it very hard, poor kid.

Anyway she finally conceived after a string of one night stands and an on off thing with her ex. She told another guy that the baby was his for the last six months of her pg but when baby was born it was clear that her ex is the father.

She told him (via text) and he rang her to ask what she wanted from him. She said nothing at all (very dramatic scene, telling him he can't go anywhere near the baby, she is a "strong" woman, blah blah.

And typically after 14 months she's realising it's not as easy as she thought it was, mainly down to her doting mummy refusing to sponsor her anymore after she threw a tantrum and smashed up her room. (over a broken phone no less)

She is the epitome of a Jeremy Kyle brat. Out every weekend, no job, sees less of her child than I do mine and I have a full time 12 hours a day job!

So she rings her ex, who is doing brilliantly at his degree and job, has got a lovely girlfriend and money etc, and demands money from him.

He said no... That if she will allow him some time to meet the baby and get to know her then he will provide for THE CHILD.

And I agree with him..? So does DP.

Is it that unreasonable?

OP posts:
GhostShip · 10/08/2012 20:37

Putting holes in a condom.

No we can't but like I've said a million billion times before, if you're in a loving trusting relationship with a partner you should be able to trust them to take their contraception.
You don't expect them to trick you.

Me and my partner don't use them, I don't like them. But he knows I wouldn't stop taking my contraception. Even though I would LOVE a baby right now. He trusts me not to get pregnant, and rightly so.

Pickles77 · 10/08/2012 20:39

Surely we should be discussing the child not the pregnancy/conception?

Krumbum · 10/08/2012 20:41

Ghostship. Your dh should be aware though that even with you on the pill you could still get pregnant. It's not 100% effective. And knowing that if he seriously, definately did not want a baby then using a second form of contraception (a barrier method) would be advisable.
Grow up about 'not liking' condoms. They are so important that spreading that bullshit just means more people don't use them.

GhostShip · 10/08/2012 20:43

Tis a shame for the child. Hopefully the dad will get over how it happened and be responsible for the child. And hopefully the mum will let him see the child.

Also see too many mums trying to withhold access

GhostShip · 10/08/2012 20:44

If we fell pregnant then we would deal with it wouldn't we. That's not the same as being tricked into it.

And grow up? If I don't like them than I don't like them! It's going into my fanny so I think I'm entitled to have a preference about what goes in it!

GhostShip · 10/08/2012 20:45

Sorry for the crudeness people

GhostShip · 10/08/2012 20:45

Then *

Pickles77 · 10/08/2012 20:45

I agree ghost ship.
I'm being advised to withhold access when my LO is born but not sure I can. But I should until I get respect for both of us from the twunt. Different situations though.
I couldn't give a toss about money!

I think i just what what a normal mother should want and thats what we should be
Discussing here 'whats best for the child in the long term'

GhostShip · 10/08/2012 20:48

I don't know about your situation so can't comment but hope you resolve everything pickles and find something that's best for all of you.

A lad I work with split up with his girlfriend who is not letting him see his little boy. He seen them in asda and his kid didn't recognise him :(

He's trying to gain access now. But that's been hindered because she got him locked up. She'll play on that probably m

diddl · 10/08/2012 20:52

"if you're in a loving trusting relationship with a partner you should be able to trust them to take their contraception."

Were they, though?

They were very young-were they even living together for example & had they talked about children?

Pickles77 · 10/08/2012 20:52

That's so sad ghostship, that's what I don't want.
My baby was a accident and I've been left homeless, jobless and confidence less by my twunt. I've been emotionally abused. I don't want that for my daughter. I wudnt want her to ever not recognise her daddy!!

I feel for the child in ops post, seems to be used to play games Sad

GhostShip · 10/08/2012 20:54

Oh pickles that's awful! (hugs) do what's best for yourself and your baby, I'm sure you'll make the best decision! Hope you can find happiness and security x

jollyrancher · 10/08/2012 20:55

I wouldn't fancy explaining to an adult daughter that the reason I didn't have anything to do with her or pay maintenance was because her mother had tricked me into the pregnancy by refusing to take the MAP but had she been the result of a contraception failure then I would have supported her. I can understand the anger and indignation because the mother does appear to have behaved underhandedly and seems to be bloody awful on top of it but I can't understand just sailing the dd down the river like this.

Pickles77 · 10/08/2012 20:56

I will thank you. Up and down days this post hit a nerve I guess.
This guys facing up to responsibly and trying, it's not about contraception the child is here is options for relationships now Smile

flippinada · 10/08/2012 21:23

If Mr Amazing is so damned wonderful, and this woman is as bad as she's painted, why isn't he taking active steps to safeguard his daughter's welfare?

Also why isn't anyone in her family doing anything to help?

flippinada · 10/08/2012 21:25

Nobody in this tawdry little drama is behaving very well.

I feel desperately sorry for the child who is caught up all of this.

WorraLiberty · 10/08/2012 21:29

No we can't but like I've said a million billion times before, if you're in a loving trusting relationship with a partner you should be able to trust them to take their contraception

Yeah but he wasn't.

Remember he broke up with her because he found out she was trying to get deliberately pregnant by him without his knowledge?

Then he had an on/off relationship with her and shagged her without a condom?

LineRunnerSpartanNaked · 10/08/2012 21:30

I guess it's always easier to slag of the Evil Single Mother that to hold Mr Amazing Father to account.

I still reckon the OP is very heavily emotionally invested in this guy.

Socknickingpixie · 10/08/2012 21:37

ghostship how did this evil ex get your mate locked up?

op she was a twat for doing it, he was a twat for having sex with her in the first place knowing that she was a twat.

the thing with storys like this is she may have a compleatly different way of telling it but that aside as after all you we are talking about a suituation as you describe it.

if she refuses dna she dosnt get to have maintainance,
if he wont man up and go to court (with this perticular suituation) and it can be done very very quickly with no need to naff about waiting for bugger all he dosnt get to force any type of contact.

he will never get to dictate how he pays or what she spends it on.
she will never get to dictate that he does pay unless she uses csa

there is never any excuse at all for either trying to sell a timeshare to a child or for not taking legal steps to prevent a person from doing so.

if shes as bad as you claim why not get ss involved there is no excuse to not do so ever so yabu and coluding with this for not doing so unless your lieing and wildly ramping up how bad her parenting skills are to justify your own agenda oh and so is this 'dad' especially given that you say he had a really bad start in life why would he not at least try and avoid it for his own child.

FermezLaBouche · 10/08/2012 21:37

Remember he broke up with her because he found out she was trying to get deliberately pregnant by him without his knowledge?

Then he had an on/off relationship with her and shagged her without a condom?

Why does this still seem to elude the people defending the bloke;s right to go bareback and not expect any consequences???

ReindeerBollocks · 10/08/2012 21:39

He should go to the CSA if he is serious about being a father. That way he can get DNA sorted (because if this woman is as irresponsible as you make out, then he should be sure), but also the CSA will work out what is required in monetary terms, and if she is in receipt of IS, HB and CT benefits, then his money will go to her, but some of her benefit money may be reduced depending on how much he pays.

He can then sort out access, separately, and use all of your above points as reasons he should be allowed to see his child.

However, if he just wants to bleat about it, and not actually do anything productive towards financially supporting/raising his child, well then he's just as bad as she is - regardless of the baby's conception. The baby is here now so the rest is redundant and he needs to go about supporting this child properly. If he wants very little contact with SIL because of her attitude there are still ways that he can sufficiently provide for the baby without involving her.

GhostShip · 10/08/2012 21:42

socknicking don't really want to say on here, but he was royally screwed over. Her, her father and mother had planned it. He played into their hands and now is paying the price. Im sorry I cant be more open than that, so you aren't able to make your own decisions.

MrMiyagi · 10/08/2012 21:43

"Would be different if a man tricked a woman into a baby...
How would he do this, exactly? "

Tell her he's wearing a condom but not actually put it on? There's a thread about that at the minute (albeit in the context of a marriage) and I don't see many people telling that OP it's all her fault for not being on the pill/having a coil.

GhostShip · 10/08/2012 21:45

Good point mrmayagi. I'd read that thread myself and didn't think bout that.

WorraLiberty · 10/08/2012 21:47

I don't think the other thread compares to this one.

If the OP of the other thread deliberately slept with him without insisting he put a condom on, then it would.

But the neither party insisted on it in this case.

Hence a baby being born