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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have this opinion of SIL.

274 replies

Justme23 · 10/08/2012 11:41

Probably a terrible whiny thread actually but I need a vent.

The back story is that since I have known SIL2 she has wanted to get pregnant.

Her ex left her because she stopped her contraception without telling him (which in my opinion is abhorrent). He was always very vocal that he wasn't ready for a baby and neither was she, because of their age and situation. (SIL being 19 and VERY immature and him being 21 and studying furiously for a law degree, both living at respective maternal homes). He was broken up when he found out she was lying and took it very hard, poor kid.

Anyway she finally conceived after a string of one night stands and an on off thing with her ex. She told another guy that the baby was his for the last six months of her pg but when baby was born it was clear that her ex is the father.

She told him (via text) and he rang her to ask what she wanted from him. She said nothing at all (very dramatic scene, telling him he can't go anywhere near the baby, she is a "strong" woman, blah blah.

And typically after 14 months she's realising it's not as easy as she thought it was, mainly down to her doting mummy refusing to sponsor her anymore after she threw a tantrum and smashed up her room. (over a broken phone no less)

She is the epitome of a Jeremy Kyle brat. Out every weekend, no job, sees less of her child than I do mine and I have a full time 12 hours a day job!

So she rings her ex, who is doing brilliantly at his degree and job, has got a lovely girlfriend and money etc, and demands money from him.

He said no... That if she will allow him some time to meet the baby and get to know her then he will provide for THE CHILD.

And I agree with him..? So does DP.

Is it that unreasonable?

OP posts:
larrygrylls · 10/08/2012 16:19

Fermez,

There is a world of difference, morally, for those who want to see it, between a genuine contraceptive failure and lying about using contraception.

I wonder how many women insist on a condom when sleeping with a man who has had a vasectomy in a long term relationship and I wonder how many ask to see evidence that he is not lying.

Original poster
Justme23 · 10/08/2012 16:20

Yes a vent and opinions.

There is nothing I can physically do clearly.

Really didn't think a group of strangers, not all, are so qualified to make so many snap judgments. Bowing out of this thread now before it turns full blown witch hunt.

OP posts:
jollyrancher · 10/08/2012 16:20

"I don't think it is unreasonable to assume a trusted long term partner is not lying about contraception."

Not unreasonable, no but neither is it applicable.

The relationship ended due to her lying about contraception and then he continued to have sex with her outside of the relationship without a condom. He should have been worried about STDs if nothing else.

Lying about contraception is a hideous thing to do but even with contraception sometimes people who you have sex with get pregnant. Both parents are responsible.

WorraLiberty · 10/08/2012 16:21

Larry given the fact they split up because she tried to get deliberately pregnant by him without his knowledge?

You think sleeping with her again without a condom was wise after that?

littlemoominmamma · 10/08/2012 16:21

Justme

I'm with the others on this thread thinking you are not who you say you are.

Fuckwhits' lovely new girlfriend is the only person he would surely go into so much sexual detail with and the only person who would be so in awe of fuckwhit to be taken in by this drivel from him.

My money is on you being fuckwhits' girlfriend in RL.

off to put a tenner on : )

FermezLaBouche · 10/08/2012 16:23

Larry, according to the OP this bloke originally broke up with the woman for stopping using contraception without telling him. He was insane to have trusted her word! And you maintain he was "tricked?"

I've been on the injection for years but partners have still used condoms for both sexual health reasons, obviously, and also for their piece of mind.

As for the vasectomy situation I can't offer a comment as I've never been in that situation.

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour · 10/08/2012 16:23

She sounds awful

But that changes nothing. If he is the father he should go to court for access, but even if he never lays eyes on the child- if he is the father he has to pay

Not a savings account
Not nappies
Not money that he can dictate how it's spent

Just money, a % of what he earns. And she is free to spend it however she wishes. But if you're all so convinced she will spend it on herself and neglect the child why haven't any of you done anything about it?

larrygrylls · 10/08/2012 16:29

Worral,

Very stupid but I think he thought the MAP was foolproof, especially as he went with her to buy it and take it. Anyway, even if he gets 10/10 for stupidity, I still think he has been royally shafted.

hackmum · 10/08/2012 16:35

Well, obviously the OP sees things in a particular way because she knows this guy. Here, in her view, is a lovely, hard-working, decent guy who has been shafted by his scheming, selfish and unreliable ex-girlfriend. And that's probably true.

But if you strip away your personal feelings about the matter you end up with the bare facts, which is a man had unprotected sex with a woman he knew wanted to get pregnant. You have to take responsibility for your own actions ultimately. There is a child, and it is his child. Certainly I as a taxpayer have no desire to end up paying for the upbringing of someone else's baby just because he feels he's been shafted.

longjane · 10/08/2012 16:35

why is saint not going for custody?

WorraLiberty · 10/08/2012 16:47

Another thing that made me suspect the OP was quite likely to be the girlfriend is because she seems so totally detached from her niece or nephew...constantly referring to them as 'The Child'.

whattodoo · 10/08/2012 16:49

Not much I can add that hasn't already been said.

except

How come everyone (mum, dad, boyf, random family members jeremy kyle ) all believed that someone else was the father for 6 months, but then happily believed her when she said it was your 'friend' (despite the skin colour thing) and no-one has insisted on DNA?

threeleftfeet · 10/08/2012 16:57

"Why should any man pay for a child he cannot see."

Because what matters most here is the child's needs not his needs (or the mother's)

The child is a real human being, not a possession, and he is the father. He has a duty to provide for his child, no matter how that child came about.

TheQueenOfDiamonds · 10/08/2012 17:07

How is the girl in your OP your SIL anyway? She is your brothers new wife, or your husbands sister?

Birdsgottafly · 10/08/2012 17:10

"The relationship ended due to her lying about contraception"

More like she found out that she was pregnant and he bailed.

Further up you described her as the 'love of hislife' you don't walk away from that and your child.

Birdsgottafly · 10/08/2012 17:12

I meant my life would be easier because having a break from full time job, animals children, partner, mortgages, responsibilities in general would be quite nice

OP, that is precisely what your friend is doing.

You do have to ask youself why you are showing your bitterness at her, although you probably know why.

Krumbum · 10/08/2012 17:27

He needs a DNA test and then he should have access and he needs to pay child maintenance. It's irrelevant how the child was conceived he is the father and needs to support his child. It surprises me he has not want to see the child up until now!

Moominsarescary · 10/08/2012 17:42

birds he left as she lied to him about using contraception when she wasn't, before she got pregnant.

Really he has himself to blame for having sex with her after they split up without using a condom.

Krumbum · 10/08/2012 17:45

If a guy told me he had had a vasectomy (before we got together) I would still use another form of contraception unless I didn't mind possibly becoming pregnant. Even vasectomys arnt 100%.
So yeah if he was so adamant about not wanting children then he should have used a condom or not had penetrative sex. Always be aware that piv sex is what causes babies!
How do you know she stopped taking the pill specifically to get pregnant? Did she herself tell you this directly?

WildWorld2004 · 10/08/2012 18:00

I agree DNA first. She sounds horrendous by the way.

I hate fathers who dont paid for their children but in this case i would side with him. He sounds willing to help & be involved & she should accept that.

Your SIL needs a good kick up the backside.

diddl · 10/08/2012 18:02

It is an awful situation.

Unfortunately "she tricked me" can´t be a get out for responsibility, can it?

midori1999 · 10/08/2012 18:12

There's no doubt that if the SIL has doen all the things you say she has, OP, that she is indeed an awful person, although I doubt that any 19 year old desperate for a child, who then 'tricks' a man into having one and later decides she doesn't want to look after said child was like that by co-incidence, having had a perfect upbringing.

The other thing is, the father doesn't seem that proactive in wanting what is best for his child either. He has known for a long time that he may have been the father, for 7 months that he is probably (or is) the father, yet he hasn't done anything solid to try and see the child. Not seen a solicitor, not set up a savings account (you say he wants to, but there's nothing stopping him doing this if he really wants to) and not paying any maintenance.

Plus, the more of an awful parent you say your SIL is, the worse you are making the father of the child sound, because if he really is that awful then he should have done something about access and probably custody by now.

CommaChameleon · 10/08/2012 20:22

If you don't think a bunch of strangers are qualified to judge, don't post on a public forum asking them to judge.

From your description of your SIL in your very first post it sounds like you might have been happy with a witch hunt if she had been the target.

Instead you have had a lot of people tell you that this man, any man, who has sex without a condom cannot then claim to have been tricked into parenthood and that he bears as much responsibility as your SIL does and you don't like it.

It's unfair to say that she tricked him, even with her past behaviour to go on. She might have had every intention of taking the MAP but had a change of heart, or no intention whatsoever. The point is, by the time the option to take the MAP comes into play, it's her choice to make and no man should relay on any woman making the choice that suits him the most. So the only sensible thing to do to make sure is to wear a condom in the first place or not have sex with a woman you don't know or have had previous reasons not trust where contraception is concerned.

GhostShip · 10/08/2012 20:29

I'm with you OP.

Women like this disgust me.

But I've been in this argument time and time again so there's no point me going over the same issues because I just get shot down 'oh he should have worn a condom' crew.

Would be different if a man tricked a woman into a baby...

FermezLaBouche · 10/08/2012 20:33

Would be different if a man tricked a woman into a baby...
How would he do this, exactly?

'oh he should have worn a condom' crew. But you can;t escape the fact that if he HAD worn one, this whole sorry issue wouldn't be happening...

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