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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be concerned about becoming a MIL?

101 replies

nokidshere · 09/08/2012 20:10

I read lots of posts on various sites about MIL's and 99% of them seem to be really awful. With two boys of my own I am a bit nervous of becoming a MIL in the future!!

My own MIL is lovely and has never been anything other than supportive to us (we have been married for nearly 30yrs) we don't always agree and she has moments when she purses her lips tightly but on the whole we have always got on well.

So, to all you people with horrible in laws - a)are you absolutely sure that its not partly your fault? and b)what would you want your in laws to be like on a daily basis?

OP posts:
bronze · 09/08/2012 20:11

I have the same worries, three boys and a mil who sounds familiar. I know it's give and take though and I worry I'll have dil who don't give at all.
I've read the odd post on mn where it's a dil complaining and I think your poor mil

WelshMaenad · 09/08/2012 20:14

Not all MILs are awful. My exes parents are gorgeous and I'm still very good friends with them. DH and the kids and I are going to theirs for a BBQ on Saturday actually.

If only my current one was one tenth as tolerable!

Lilylightfoot · 09/08/2012 20:16

Iam a MIL. I thick we sould start a Mum in Law support network

Lilylightfoot · 09/08/2012 20:17

Think not thick sorry

danteV · 09/08/2012 20:17

I have a ds, only 17 months and I dread becoming a mil. Not because he is my little boy and no one will be good enough. But because of threads here and how women talk about their mils at work.
Some mils sound awful, but some dils do to. Also you only get one side of the story here. A dil could sound completely reasonable, but in rl she could be the unreasonable one.
Also you are not going to get many posts talking about lovely mils.
I like my mil. She is nice, helpful but not over bearing. I look forward to visiting her. :) oh and fil as well

Hesterton · 09/08/2012 20:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LITTLEGEEK · 09/08/2012 20:19

I have a DS and wonder the same. My MIL is a lovely woman but on occasion if she does something I'm not happy about, I ask myself, if my mum had done this would I react the same. If the answer is no, I let it go because she loves DS and when I hear him giggling away at her, it's a lovely sound and I don't want that to stop.

shesariver · 09/08/2012 20:20

This isnt real life - you wont get many threads here about the millions of people who get on just fine with their MILs, but you will get the people who think they have problems. I have no doubt there are some nightmare MILS out there - but from reading some of the stuff here some DILS are a bigger nightmare, particularly when it comes to what the difference between their own Mums and MILs. What they seem to forget is their own Mum is actually their DH/DPs MIL.

MidnightKnitter · 09/08/2012 20:23

I had a look on Gransnet and i was nearly in tears reading about Grannies who don't see their gc. I'm scared of that happening and mine are only little. There's always two sides to these things it's just that one side might be bonkers

TheQueenOfDiamonds · 09/08/2012 20:23

I don't get on with my OHs family. His grandparents are lovely but that's it.

My worst nightmare as far as being a mil one day would be a DIL like my brothers ex, or my ohs ex.

exexe · 09/08/2012 20:24

Sometimes it will be the dil and I'm afraid there won't be much you can do then.
My mum is wonderful and I think she's a great mil to my sils. She never interferes and always tried to be understanding about things dil related - sometimes at the expense of me and my sister. She explains that as her daughters, we'll understand but the dil/mil relationship is more fragile (its never anything majorly serious)
One of my sils is lovely and really gets on with my mum. She's always around at mums and brings the kids, leaves them with her, takes mum shopping etc. My other sil is horrible and no matter how hard my mum has tried, there's no helping that relationship.

exexe · 09/08/2012 20:25

Oh and me and my sister get on fine with our mils. They are both non interfering which I think is a big thing.

MummytoKatie · 09/08/2012 20:27

I like my MIL. Pretty sure she likes me. We both love dh and dd and are both bright enough to realise that that is all that really matters.

WhispersOfWickedness · 09/08/2012 20:29

I love my mil, I would move in with her if I could, except DH wouldn't let me Grin

Seriously though, I have a DS and I worry a bit too. I guess though that I know I am a reasonable and lovely person and I'm hoping to bring up DS to want to be with someone also reasonable and lovely, so odds are that we'll be ok Grin

crazynanna · 09/08/2012 20:33

I am a MIL 2 times over now.

I just keep out of the way mostly coward Wink

I do get to see the kiddies loads,though Smile

roundtable · 09/08/2012 20:33

I have a ds and another on the way. I'm currently taking notes on how to be a good mil, I won't say whether from a good example or not. Wink

I think some people are not socially aware/bloody minded. They could be dil, mil, fil etc, it's not exclusive to being a mil. Those people would be difficult in whatever situation they're in.

PropertyNightmare · 09/08/2012 20:36

I will be a MIL one day but I think I will be ok as I have seen how not to do it. Accordingly I will remember and accept 1) my dil's mother will always be closer to her than me (so i won't be barging into delivery rooms etc or getting upset when I am not the first to visit newborn grandchildren etc) and 2) DIL is bound to trust her own mother more than me (so I will not be expecting overnight visits etc unless they are offered).
I think I will be an alright mil to be honest. Plus I also have 3 DD's as well as ds so the mil dynamic should not be the same with sons in law.

Downandoutnumbered · 09/08/2012 20:36

YANBU, although mine is lovely (better than my own mum if I'm honest, she absolutely adores DS, and although my choices haven't been the ones she would have made, she's never criticised me for them). I do worry about what any future DIL will make of me.

msrisotto · 09/08/2012 20:37

I love my MIL. Don't worry, people don't bother posting when they don't have problems.

whiteandyelloworchid · 09/08/2012 20:40

it def seems easier for maternal grandparents.

paternal ones, you will have to jump through hoops, be polite, don't give unsolicited advice.
generally keep it zipped and smile and offer to babysit alot

lovebunny · 09/08/2012 20:41

i'm a mil. my sil is lovely, i'm very proud of him; i think he's ok about me, too.
we both love dd and dgd, and we both want all three of them to be happy, so we have things in common.

the thing about mils is they did things their way, not your mum's way. so it's bound to annoy, sometimes. but as a mum, i can say, i annoy my daughter far more frequently than her mil does, and she takes it very well! (hello, my love, if you're reading xxx).

UserNameNotAvailable · 09/08/2012 20:41

YANBU

I've got 2 boys (12 and 2) and a girl (4) and this is something I have thought about. I hope that when the time comes that I'm not thought of the way some of the mil's I read about on here.
I also hope that there's no arguing about how I favour dd (I don't) but knowing my own relationship with my mam I am closer to her than one of my brothers as I see her everyday and help her whereas he moved away for a while, came back with his family and just generally gets on with his own life. Don't get me wrong, he can and does talk to her and they are close even though they are both very hot headed so argue and shout a lot but its normal for them. I know his gf thinks I'm the favoured one and it pisses her off but it's not true.

lovebunny · 09/08/2012 20:42

erm, but my own mother in law still annoys me...even though she's been my ex and former mother in law since 1988!

squeakytoy · 09/08/2012 20:44

I have a MIL, and I am a MIL too.

In all past relationships that I have had, if I hadnt got on with my partners parents, I would not have continued the relationship, and certainly wouldnt have got married. I can never understand why people who do not get on with their boyfriends parents carry on the relationship really, because it would sour it too much for me if any family event was stressful.

My MIL is amazing, absolutely fantastic, and is everything to me that a mum would be. We are really close, and we have a superb relationship. My mum died 4 years ago, and my MIL has been the best second mum I could have wished for.

My role as a MIL is fine too. I dont interfere with my DILs life, and we get on great.

Catsmamma · 09/08/2012 20:45

well my eldest is 20 so i could be an mil and a granny at any point really.

I shall be slated in here for having baby eating dogs, dust on the floor, probably for not being a vegetarian and definitely for giving children cake for breakfast.

there's no pleasing some people though is what I mostly think about some a lot of th

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