To be concerned about becoming a MIL?

[nokidshere]

I read lots of posts on various sites about MIL's and 99% of them seem to be really awful. With two boys of my own I am a bit nervous of becoming a MIL in the future!!

My own MIL is lovely and has never been anything other than supportive to us (we have been married for nearly 30yrs) we don't always agree and she has moments when she purses her lips tightly but on the whole we have always got on well.

So, to all you people with horrible in laws - a)are you absolutely sure that its not partly your fault? and b)what would you want your in laws to be like on a daily basis?

For goodness sake, it's about individuals surely.

I get on fine with my MiL, and my step Mil - I can be grumpy, irritable and stubborn but mostly reign this in with what I actually say/do because I recognise these are my issues and not the fault of anyone else. My MIL and step-Mil are lovely, lovely women and maybe I lucked out, because when I read some of the horror stories on here on both sides of the mother/daughter in laws relationship, I thank my lucky stars!

I did have a read through gransnet once, to have a nosy and think about things from my parents and my in-laws perspectives as DH and I are expecting our first child. Mostly it was all pretty reasonable but the one thing that really leaves me cold is this sense of proprietary some people get over children. There's something about that sense of ownership/property/only wanting to see the children, not the actual mother/daughter or father/son themselves. It kind of freaks me out.

I get everyone is excited at the birth of a new baby/child/grandchild but as excited as you - the grandparents - might be, think about how excited (and probably in shock!) the actual new parents might be. The level of expectation I see on some in-laws threads is breathtaking. I would hate for my need for just a bit of privacy to be ignored and would react very badly to that kind of imposition. Not because we don't want them to spend time with our baby but because of what it represents. We fully expect our parents to respect our need to be left alone a little bit initially - if only because we have respected pretty much every wish they have asked of us our entire lives! Relationships are two-way, give and take of respect, understanding and acceptance - even if you don't agree with everything the other person might do or ask for.

In potentially 20 odd years or so, when I become a MIL, I hope to continue this give and take, respect boundaries asked for and maintain functioning relationships with my children and children-in-law.

I worry about this too. I remember talking to a girl who had frozen out her in-laws from her and her husband and childrens' lives because she wasn't very keen on them, they irritated her a bit and it was easier for her to do that instead of accommodating them. Her spineless twat of a husband went along with it because shes a bully. I don't think I've ever been more disgusted.

Yes, I get that they are excited about becoming GPs-but hello-we´re about to become parents!

I wonder what their own MILs were like?

Bagof Holly, surely as a parent if you have a healthy relationship with your offspring that does n't just disappear over night.
There seems to be a huge gender expectation on women to take over the social niceties and responsible for all contact. My husband does n't ring up my parents for the GC to chat, he does n't send my brother a birthday card. should I commit time and resources to keeping people happy that don't truely see me as part of their family.

I certainly wouldn't say I have "horrible" in-laws, but that doesn't mean I don't have my ups-and-downs with my MIL (she's a widow, so no FIL), just as I have my ups-and-downs with most members of my family now and again.

To reply to the OP's questions:

a)are you absolutely sure that its not partly your fault?

I think "fault" is a bit harsh, but I do agree that most disputes arise because of false expectations on both sides. My MIL had very set ideas about what she wanted her DIL to be like (I'm not over-analysing, she told me once) - a jolly, "to the point" girl from the country that you can share crude jokes (she was using the example of a neighbour's DIL) and talk about gardening with, probably someone just like herself. I can appreciate that as a MIL, it may be slightly hurtful to think that your son chose someone who doesn't reflect your own personality (I don't have DCs yet, but I imagine that would be the case). Sadly I'm a city girl, quite reserved and sensitive, and I think she finds my personality rather "foreign". Equally, I have a great relationship with my own mum, and probably "expected" to be able to "win my MIL over" using the same things I knew my own mum would enjoy (taking her on spa days, on city breaks, going shopping). When MIL showed her displeasure/lack of interest/outright criticism of these things, I felt a bit hurt.

MIL is also very assertive, and in that respect, it's my fault that I didn't dare to be equally assertive with her early on. So things would eat away at me and when I finally did criticise her, it was very out-of-the-blue and hard for her to deal with.

b)what would you want your in laws to be like on a daily basis?

1. Stop keeping a tally on how much time we spend with the respective sets of parents. My parents live in another country (MIL is a 2-hour drive away) and I hate having to justify why I went to see them for a week but will only visit MIL for a long weekend, or feeling bad about going on holiday with my parents because MIL won't be getting the exact same "time slot".

1. Be more proactive in visiting us/suggesting things we could do together, instead of moaning that we don't visit her enough and having to be "officially invited" at least 3 times before she does come to visit. Constantly moaning that someone could visit you more often is just going to want to make them visit you less, and sentences like "I really miss spending time with you, let's meet up next week" work better than "I've counted and this is the first time you've been up to see me in 6 weeks".

1. Accept that your DIL will have different interests and opinions, but that they are not better or worse than your own, just different.

1. Accept that your DS is not a sheep who does things just to please his wife, but actually might want to do these things himself, even if he didn't express an avid interest in them in early childhood.

1. Most importantly for me, try to maintain some sort of relationship with, or at least interest in, your DIL's family. The fact that MIL dislikes/doesn't feel comfortable with my family is a major source of tension, because we can never bring everyone together to celebrate things as a family. I'd like MIL to feel that my relatives are now part of her extended family.

Thank you again everyone.

I think on my first thread about her MN wisdom had her pinned down as a narcissist and a couple of books were suggested to me for reading up on it. It does seem to fit quite well, although she wasn't as bad as most of the case studies in the books.

I am much happier now, I don't see her and neither does DS. DH does the occasional duty visit which is never very cheerful. I worry about what she might say to DS that would upset him about his brother and sister, what she might say about me or what awful story she would tell him that she finds funny. One of her favourites is how DH's pet rabbit was ill so they had a neighbour strangle it and leave it in the hutch for him to find when he came home. DH was about 8 at the time, found the rabbit, came inside and was matter of fact about it being dead and they thought he wasn't upset but then they heard him crying upstairs. I have no idea what's funny about this story but PILs find it hilarious.

If my MIL popped up on MN I'm sure her side of the story would be very different. Her official line at the moment is that they have done nothing wrong but also done their very best to make things up to me and "tried very hard with Comma." The trying very hard is the unrelenting telephone calls and letters insisting that I speak to them. Seventeen calls in just a few hours once. And letters saying "I know you've asked me to stop writing to you but I don't want to."

And DH and his siblings seem to find it normal but the wider family see little of them and I wonder now if they have experienced some of this in the early days of MIL and FIL's marriage and distanced themselves.

Carefuleugenie it's up to you how you handle your own inlaws but I think it's disgusting for a DIL to force her DH to choose between her or his parents when by her own admission, they were a bit annoying, not hideous damaging psychopaths.

My MIL deserves a medal. She's awesome.

I reckon if you're worrying about being a bad MIL, you'll probably be a good MIL. The bad MIL's probably all KNOW they're brilliant MIL's and it's all the DIL's fault

I think the best thing to do is not to make assumptions based on how you're used to things being done. Chances are your DIL will have experienced different things, and do things different ways. It's nice to see things from a different perspective. Take from the good and ignore the bad unless it's seriously dangerous.

You'll be fine OP, and when in doubt SAY NOTHING!!!! I learned that from my awesome MIL!

motto: "zip your lip and wear beige".

1. Do not talk a lot even if you're nervous.

2.Never ask re. holidays,other grandparents,pretty much everything. 3.Never ever use your son's baby or nickname to him. 4.Do not get ill,and never cry...it is manipulative. 5.do not spend money and buy crap for kids.Also sweets etc.You are an ignoramus in regards to nutrition. 6.Never knit acrylic horrors...dogs homes want blankets and toys. 7.Disappear, you have had your turn at motherhood.

I think some MsIL panic that they´ll be left out & so become too forceful.

It must be hard that if your son works you are limited to time, but if your DIL & her parents don´t work they can in theory see each & the GC other whenever they like.

I always thought I got on well enough with my ILs-until they wouldn´t come to see me & the children without my husband being there.

So I did think then "well fuck 'em" tbh.

The thing that actually annoys me about my mil is her incessant "im not going to be left out with the grandchildren" comments which started about 5 years ago. Our first child is 3 months old . Maybe she reads mumsnet!

My husband and i were just talking yesterday about the type of grangparents and pil we thought we would be (our daughter is still young and want to have another so a long way off for us yet)

Anyway i have struggled with my mil a little as when my dh and i were dating she told in him that i was not good enough for him, at weekends i would stay over and in the morning i would hear mil on the phone to daughter 1 and would be stagging off daughter 2 then talk to daughter 2 and slag off daughter 1 and this had a effect on our relationship as i couldn't help but think if mil can speak that way about her own daughters then what on earth would she say about me, someone she hadn't any problems with saying she didn't like. We do get on better now and in some ways she is very genous and kind, but does like to talk other people down and question there decisions where as i prefer to let people get on with there lives and don't like to gossip.

I do try to ask myself would this of bothered me if it had been my own mother and that helps me keep perpective.

I have also always tried to be fair with both sets of grandparents, recently we asked if mil and fil would like to have dd for a few days (we don't live near by and our dd often stays with gp's in holidays) mil said yes if my mum didn't want her, i said it didn't make any difference because she was as much her grandmother as my dm is, mil thought my dm should get first refusal because she's the maternal grandmother, i think that is a load of rubbish, both sets of grandparents are equally important.

Not all dil's are unreasonable or mean and most mil's are loving and kind but some are not and unfortunatly these are the one's that get threads started about them, you sound very reasonable in the very fact that you are already thinking about this.

Sorry i seem to of gone on abit

I do think though that you don´t have to be really close or "best friends" to have a workable relationship.

When I was pregnant my FIL said "it´s really important that you & MIL become friends now"

I was &

For some reason he couldn´t tell me why it wasn´t important before...or why it was important at all...

I agree with the poster that said the secret is being non interfering. My MIL is a nightmare. She was fine till I got pregnant and DH moved out. She was so overprotective and he wasn't allowed to sleep out even in his twenties as MIL was scared on her own. She offered to pay to abort DD1. Then when DD was born she was all over her but ignored me altogether. She expected to come round every day all day and take over with the baby. She wanted to tale DD abroad without us at a few months old. She tried to wreck our wedding. She invited people to my stillborn DD's funeral even though I said I couldn't face people please don't I wanted just parents. She used to take my flowers out at the cemetery and put hers in their place. I almost died having my twins and she turned up at the hospital to 'see the babies' even though I was in ICU she didn't ask how I was, she wanted to see my babies before I could! (In NICU).

MIL said she wanted to be 'close' to DGC but the irony is that she didn't let DH see his dad and his paternal grandparents from the age of six months to punish his dad for leaving. Yet she expected masses of contact while treating me like dirt. It was so hurtful. She has even got her friends to harass me in the street and random people coming up to me asking why I had stopped breastfeeding etc. .

Luckily things are civil now 16 years on. But it still hurts the way she was. The way she tried to exclude me and take over. Her classic phrase was that she and DH were 'the family' and me and DH' children and I were merely his 'extended family'. That shows her mindset. Another plus is that DH got in touch with bio dad a few years back and I get on so well with him and step MIL. Whereas MIL doesn't get on well with many people and DH's exes all had problems with MIL.

I have 3 DSs and intend not to interfere, to show I want 5DIL and not just GC, to not criticise etc.

My personal experience is that my MIL had a very fixed idea of How Things Would Be with her DC and with grandchildren. That didn't take into account distance or the strength of the relationships and was based on how she was with her parents rather than her own relationship with her ILS.

eg She took her DC to visit her parents nearly every Friday and stayed until after Sunday luch for several years. Her own ILs lived 100s of miles away and she was a SAHM with a DH working away for months at a time. She expected her daughter to visit as frequently with the grandchildren, even though SIL works full time (as does BIL) and BIL has family too who live 2 hours away in the other direction! She can't/won't see that what she did was as much for support/companionship as 'duty' as she was stuck on her own with DC with no friends or support network.

If any of her DC spend time with their ILs she pouts and is jealous. Even if it's for a day and she's just seen them for a weekend. She keeps score over everything. She also makes her children's relationships with each other strained by repeating anything even vaguely negative one of them has said about another eg one of DH's brothers is difficult and had made (nasty and untrue) comments about him to their mother. DH tries hard to keep things civil so that they can still all be present at family occasions etc. So what did MIL do? Repeated everything verbatim to DH. I spent the whole evening talking DH down from phoning his DB and severing all contact permanently.

That's how she is as a parent.

Narked my MIL also had a very fixed view of how things would be. She would always be number one to DH and she would see GC every day in her eyes. Also wanted to push in pram first, take on first holiday etc. Not have to call before visiting etc. She lived with her parents so they were very close to DH. However she didn't allow DH's paternal grandparents to ever see him again from a baby as his father left her. She expects it to be like it was with her parents even though she is horrible to me.

I would like to like my MIL. She suffers from depression and refuses to take meds, so it's kind of touch and go. that being said, I do know that I am part of the issue because I get very protective of DH and if I think MIL is not treating him right (he is the ignored child in the family) I get pissy.

So it's a bit of both. She's a bit wobbly, and I am pissy. But overall we get on, and I certainly don't hate her.

I do feel bad for my SILs though, because my DM is a DRAGON! I am pg with DS1 and will try hard to be more like my MIL than my DM!

Just be normal.

Kind.

Non interfering.

Supportive where you can.

Keep your trap shut until your opinion is asked. You are no longer the parent of a child. Respect those who are now responsible for children.

And above all, don't expect your grown up children and your gcs to keep you busy and entertained in your old age. Making demands like that on anyone is grossly unfair.

Of course, things can still go wrong even if you follow the golden rules but at least you know you've not taken the p*ss and behaved like a decent person.

Some of the sneering and jeering on here at dils as well - especially the new vulnerable mothers - really worries me, frankly.

I think you are worrying for no reason. People post here for help about awful issues and it's normal for people to post about awful stuff rather than the good stuff so the bad MIL tales are bound to feature more than the good ones.

I never really understand why mothers of boys are more concerned, particularly if they are nice people who are going to bring up their sons to be decent people.

I also think it's quite insulting to ask posters if it might be theri fault; have you read soome of the really awful stuff some MILs have done to posters here?

What would I want my In-laws to be like? Friendly but not interfering, not wanting to be at my bedside while I labour, not wanting to move into my house when I have a newborn, not expecting me to spend every christmas with them, not expecting me to leave my young children with them overnight or for several days, not expecting to be able to let themselves into my house any time they want, not expecting my DH to take their side just because they were there first... that kind of thing.

Where is the OP?

The best advice on here over the years has been to see the DIL as an individual in their own right, to accept that people have different boundaries and conventions and that eg turning up unannounced or tidying/cleaning up their kitchen won't be universally welcomed and to remember your own relationship with your MIL/mother - all the little things they did that might have been well intentioned but drove you nuts.

I think most of the MILs who are ranted about on here don't pick up on other people's feelings. Damage done to relationships when people are feeling vunerable, particularly after the birth of a child, is often permanent. Time after time on here I've read about MILs insisting on visiting newborns/staying at the house when the mother isn't ready or not giving a newborn back to it's mother when asked to do so. A little empathy and consideration for a post partum DIL could save a lot of relationships.

And ask your DIL directly if you want to know how she feels about something. There are some threads on here where the real issue isn't so much the MIL, it's her son who fails to pass on to his mother eg that his DW/DP needs some peace or fails to pass on to his DW/DP that his mother has asked if she's sure she wants visitors yet and tells his mother of course she should come!