To be concerned about becoming a MIL?

[nokidshere]

I read lots of posts on various sites about MIL's and 99% of them seem to be really awful. With two boys of my own I am a bit nervous of becoming a MIL in the future!!

My own MIL is lovely and has never been anything other than supportive to us (we have been married for nearly 30yrs) we don't always agree and she has moments when she purses her lips tightly but on the whole we have always got on well.

So, to all you people with horrible in laws - a)are you absolutely sure that its not partly your fault? and b)what would you want your in laws to be like on a daily basis?

Comma, so sorry for your losses and for you with a very, very U MIL.

OP, as a mum to DS x 2 I accepted that becoming a MIL may not always be easy. I am very close to my own DM and expected the same for any DIL I may end/have ended up with.

I decided early on that I would be the perfect MIL by being very much like my own; supportive, pleasant and non-interfering. I expected DIL to be closer to her own mother and a little more distant with me IYSWIM.

Instead, I have gained (sounds corny) a daughter. Our relationship has gone from strength to strength, so much that 9 weeks ago I was there to support her at the birth of DGS2. DS1 sometimes teases and says that DIL only married him so that she could be my 'daughter'.

I try not to interfere but have always made it very clear that we (DH and I) are there to support them when they need it. I don't do some of the things that I have read on MN but I am sure that I probably do other things. DIL and I don't always agree on things but as in any healthy relationship, we listen to each others opinions.

The biggest compliment she could ever have given me is that she wants the same relationship with 'her boys' as I have with mine.

Sitting here feeling overwhelmed with love for DS x 2 and DIL and DGS x2 at the moment. Soppy so and so

Do you get on with your own children? That's a good start.

It's an interesting one...

I think that once children come along and mil become grandmothers things change.

When my baby was first born, my mil INSISTED on coming and staying the night. The baby was 3 days old. I was brave and said I'd rather she didn't as she'd be sleeping in our sitting room and I explained that I'd like to be able to go in during the night to feed and watch tv. Her response? "oh I won't mind that at all!"

Aaaarrrrggghhh!!!! I'm still angry months and months later. I was so exhausted and didn't have the strength to be firm - mainly because she had decided that was the plan and my dh had said yes. He couldn't understand why I wouldn't want her there to "help". Less than 72 hours after giving birth I was eating supper at the table and finding sheets/towels for my mil. I wanted to be semi naked, learning to feed my baby while eating pizza on the sofa. WITHOUT an audience.

This is so minor compared with what others have described. But I think that when mil (or mothers) don't respect their dil's status and feelings as new mothers there is something primal that kicks in that makes the dil just furious and protective and raw. That's my experience anyway!

It has made me dislike my mil in a horrible, irrational, unkind way that I am ashamed about. No-one in rl knows how I feel - least of all my mil. But (horrible confession coming) I struggle with her position in my baby's life to the extent that I have returned or given to charity everything she's bought for him. My dh hasn't got a clue that I've done this - it's only been a couple of toys and a sleep suit. I was being totally unreasonable not to keep them. And mean. And my mil has no idea I haven't kept them. But something very deep was hurt when she was so insensitive around the time my baby was born and I have struggled to like her ever since. Eurgh. Horrid thing to admit.

I'm going to try to get over it. But when we have another baby I am going to explain to her that I DO NOT WANT her to come and stay for AT LEAST two weeks. She can visit for a few hours at a time like my parents did. I do not want to waste those precious first few days getting to know my baby and trying to fathom feeding etc because I have to host her.

Sorry. Longest post ever. And ranty. Sorry. But it might show mils how horrible and irrational their dils can become when they don't respect their dil's boundaries! Sorry...

ps I know that some mil would come and stay after the birth of a baby and actually be a welcome help. I have friends with this experience. My mil's idea of "helping" was to look after the baby. Not help me, but take the baby off my hands. I had to tell her that I had to learn how to look after him and to please stop trying to settle/wind/comfort him. At a few hours old.

I'd like to point out that I had NO problem with anyone else holding him when he was tiny. Because they cuddled him, gave my arms a rest and then gave him back. GAVE HIM BACK. To his MOTHER when he needed to be fed/comforted/changed.

And my mil told me I had to have my baby weighed every week and report his weight to her. Which I didn't do. I went once or twice a month and sent an email to both grandmothers with his weight. But she didn't understand why I "refused" to go every week. (no weight feeding problems after first few days so why would I?!)

Oh, and learning to breast feed is not a spectator sport. I'm sure some women would happily bf in front of their mil. But probably not most (especially at the beginning).

Sorry again. I know I'm going off on a tangent. It's been cathartic getting it out!!

Mine is difficult. However this is because she is a difficult person in general. Most of her own family fall out with her. If anything, I,m kinder than them because I have to be polite. My own Mum is great and we are close, so of course I spend loads of time with her. It is up to the MIL's son to be close to his Mum and spend lots of time with her, like my DB does with my Mum.

Both dh and I find his mum quite trying at times, she does go on about stuff, and did give me a lot of grief before kids when I spent a lot of time competing with my horse when apparently I should have been at home cooking dh's dinner! We had a couple of quite animated discussions about it, after the second one I basically said just don't mention the bloody horse, he is not the cause of all the problems in my marriage, I do take your comments on board, but really, if you saw how it really is, instead of how you think it is, you might be quite surprised!
9 years on and 2 (3 soon) kids later and she is a wonderful grandma, a great help and support for me although sometimes says stuff that bugs me, I tend to just let it wash over me, I'm sure I say/do things that annoy her too. I'm very fond of her. So mil if you are out there and reading this - Thankyou and we all love you loads x

My husband is an only child.

My ILs live their life through him.

That´s not my problem tbh.

I find them hard to get on with-we are very different people.

Rather than accept it, though, they seem to feel devastated that I don´t love them as much as my own parents.

When I was pregnant with my PFB, they thought that as my parents already had a GC, this one would mean to my ILs than my parents

They have never wanted to visit me & the children if my husband wasn´t there as well, so missed out on such a lot.

I'm the opposite, I'm terrified of becoming a DIL!

My mum and I are so close. She really is my best friend and our bond runs so deep due to past trauma. She's my heroine, and my idea of a perfect mother.

I'm afraid that I just won't cope with a MIL.

Which is why I'm going to marry one of the lovely ladies from here's sons because you sound so normal and understanding!

I am hoping that I will respect my dil - respect her feelings, her choices and her parenting decisions.

I wish my mil did that.

One small example is being ill with a d&v bug at xmas time and when asleep in bed recovering after chucking up all night she came into the bedroom and pulled the covers off me, sniffed and said "this will pass". Beggars belief.

I think this is a thing Lurking.

I loved my mum & we were very close.

It never occurred to me that I feel like that about a MIL-& I didn´t think that it would be a problem!

I know it must be hard for MILs when the son works & has limited time to see them, so they want to make sure that they see their GC.

But being pushy & nasty isn´t the way to go.

I´m sure most DsIL realise that you love your son & his children as much as our mums love us & our children!

So don´t try to force was isn´t there or make your son take sides!

"this will pass".-LOL-is she an MNer?

Look. My mil is awful. She is an awful mother and consequently an awful mil. So yes I am sure it is not my fault.

People here will tend to post more if there is something to moan about than if all is going swimmingly so it gives an unbalanced view. This doesn't mean we think all mils are horrid.

I am a DIL to an awful MIL. I swear it's not me! Trust me I really, really, really just want to have an easy relationship with her.

You will be fine. I'm sure you are a lovely person (sadly my MIL is not).

Even as bad as mine is I don't stop her seeing DS & keep my feelings for her as separate as possible - still making sure she has time with him etc.

Please don't all blame the DIL - some of us r really unlucky & do have MIL from hell.

I quite like my MIL but really find my FIL unbearable and it has caused some isshoos.

I think the most important thing is to discuss your expectations and make sure your son is realistic about problems that might arise. My DP was vv shocked that I didn't automatically love his parents like him and it has caused no end of problems. You also need to make it clear that you won't begrudge loyalty to his future partner. I think a lot of problems are caused by that and then DS's get caught in the middle.

And be nice at christmas! No wierd present giving rituals and chill out about booze and food!

sorry wanted to add that there is all of this is it the MIL, is it the DIL stuff, but I think the sons are to blame in many cases and get off v lightly.

Oh my god CommaChameleon you poor thing.

Will never complain about my MIL again!

What s horrible witch!

Comma

Oh you poor poor thing!

This sounds like a mentally ill woman, not just a difficult mil

That was my point really, ethel. The mil's primary relationship should be with her son. My mil doesn't see one set of gc's much and blames her dil, but it is her son who should want to see her. If you have a genuine concern about the GC's, say it to your son, not the dil. If you think DIL shiuld not work for example, remember your son has helped make that decision. And so on..!

@born yes I think DILs get blamed fo things that are the son's fault.

My DP blames me for any disagreement with his parents when his father is acknowledged by all to be a massive git. However DP doesn't pull up his FIL on his behaviour.

Naked

"Do you get on with your own children? That's a good start."

Thats a very KEY point, alot of threads I have read about problem MILs seem to have a troubled relationship with DS in the first place, when the DS then meets someone to have children with - the chasm really becomes apparent and they are watning a closeness that isnt actually there.

Get on with your sons in a healthy way first - then you have more chance of actually getting on with them AFTER they have met another important woman in thier lives!

Yes then when they do meet another woman - a serious one - the DIL gets blamed for the bad relationship!

It wasnt THERE in the BLOODY first place.

DD1 is married and both DH and I get on well with our SIL most of the time. We have had a couple of disagreements but that was because we were adjusting to our pfb being married which takes time.

Thanks Diddl, you've made me feel less guilty. :)

I want a wonderful relationship with a MIL, but I don't want nor need a second mum IYSWIM? I want my kids to have great, loving relationships with both my mum and IL's, (who knows? Maybe even over night stays ) but I don't want to feel like I'd be hurting MIL because I'd want my mum to be with me at the birth or have her be the one to come help me in the first few weeks.

I fear because of my extensive MH issues stemming from abuse (hence mum and I being so close) MIL may judge me for always needing my mum at a close distance. And I always will. I've only ever made one attempt to move out, and that was with my extremely abusive ex. I'm back at my home, my mum helps with my medicines, my appointments, my issues...So she'll always be the one to help me when I'm fragile.

I guess some of these MIL threads have ut the fear of God in me. I don't want to be 'that' DIL, I want my MIL to understand who I am and love me like I would her without trying to be my mum or blaming me for her son's failings.

This is all ridiculous as it's nowhere near happening, but it is something I think about a lot, particularly since every boyfriend I've had has either had a mum who had severe, severe, severe MH and boundary issues, or mum's who have hated me. One even said I should be forced to go to a special school because of my MH issues. :(

I am now an awful DIL, before children I was very, very good.

DH was the middle golden boy but behind him was me saying phone your mum, I've wrapped a present, etc. DH went on large family road trips to Australia, Morocco, etc in the first 5 years whilst I stayed behind working/saving because I did n't have the same cushion of wealth. 20 years later we're still together.

MIL has always been very direct with me that once one her children has split up with a partner she does not want to hear from them. That was repeated with every failed love affair of her other children. I guess that was fine when we were all in our 20's with no DCs but I've been apart of that family for nearly 20 years now.

As soon as DH had had one roast dinner at my mums he was part of the family and my parents joked that they would stay in touch with him rather then me. That's a much warmer emphasis to build a foundation on.

Once we'd delivered the first couple of grand children and had the first ever minor falling out I realised I don't have to be bothered, I will always be the outsider. Being a grand parent is a learning curve but my children are not there, as they repeatedly suggested, for them to 'practice' being grand parents so they can get it right with the ones that follow.

If you lay your foundations warmly with an open heart, you might be upset when relationships fall apart early on but time goes pretty quick.

Met MIL when I was 20, I got married at 26, had DCs at 32 & 34, stopped making an effort when 35, now 39. I'm polite about them but not 'warm'. I don't ring them, send cards, invite them to my house that's up to DH and most of the time he does n't bother.

Comma, I just wanted to say how sorry I am for all that you have been through.
Your mil is unhinged, she is not just difficult.
I hope that you and your family have a much happier life without them.